Starting Over 3, 02-02-06 – Dealing With Our Lossesby LauraBelle
Starting Over deals with the topic of Loss often, but then again, it's just that important. We all experience it, and many times it's what it holding us back. Fear of facing that loss head on does crazy things.
Rhonda, having lost both her parents at an early age, leads the Group discussion today about Loss. She asks the women to talk about their own losses. Lisa2 feels she has lost a lot of love. She was hiding so much all these years, many times just staying inside her bedroom, that she missed out on a lot of love. The first loss Christie thinks about is her marriage. She was so caught up in moving on after her divorce, that she never properly grieved it. Although the more she keeps going with this, the more she realizes that her overall loss is security, never knowing what that felt like going through her parent's divorce so young, then experiencing her father's death and mother's drug addiction.
With what Jill has been going through the past few days, there is no doubt what loss she is feeling right now. Her father. She realizes now how much that early loss has affected all her future relationships with men. And now, after talking to her mother yesterday, and gathering information for the private detective, she realized her mother was somehow a part of that loss she experienced as her mother wasn't entirely honest about why her father wasn't around. Jill had always been told he was just a negative person, but she now learns that after her father got back from the service, he told her mother he wanted a divorce, and her mother was already pregnant with her. He didn't turn his back on Jill so much as he turned his back on her mother, and not out of negativity. The only reason she has never shared the truth up to this point, is that Jill never asked.
Jodi is facing a similar loss with her father. While she does know who her father is, she experienced this loss because of her mother as well. She turned her back on her father when she was young, because after her parents' divorce, she felt the need to protect her mother. She never took the time to mourn this loss, because she was young and too busy protecting her mother.
Rhonda says in order to heal we all must face our losses. We have to accept the loss so we can move past it, which will open us all up to so much more in our lives. To help everyone accept their losses and move on, Rhonda provides them all with an art box, telling them they are to create artwork today with their biggest loss as the subject. Later tonight they will share them with each other.
After Group, Jill talks outside with Christie, and tells her she never thought about not knowing her father as a "loss." But now when she thinks about it, she knows the part of herself that she shares with her mother, but there have always been things about Jill that aren't like her mother at all. Now she wonders if those missing pieces are pieces of her father. He knows she exists, and Jill wonders why he never bothered to contact her all these years, thinking maybe he just wasn't interested in having a family. She recognizes she will gain a lot of peace from finding her father, no matter what the outcome.
Rhonda meets with Lisa1 about her crutch she is still carrying around. Lisa1 admits to relying on her crutch so much, that it's hard to give it up no matter how much she wants to. Asked if she is ready to, Lisa1 says she knows she is ready to be a leader. It doesn't come to her naturally, but with all the awareness she has been feeling lately, it's hard at this point for her to go backwards, no matter how much more comfortable it would be.
Lisa1 is allowed to pull the "follower" tag off her crutch, but there is still a discrepancy about her remaining crutch of finding employment. Allison, the Tupperware consultant, will be visiting with Lisa1 again today. Rhonda wants Lisa1 to have a practice Tupperware party tonight, and Allison will help her set up for it, and be there to guide her. With as many times as Lisa1 has struggled with her independence, Rhonda wonders if she truly is ready to do this on her own, and if a part of her is thinking after this she'll just go home and get married and not have to worry about it. Again, Lisa1 points to her heightened awareness, and says she has had such a taste of empowerment, she doesn't see herself going backwards.
Jodi hears disturbing news from her mom over the phone, and it's already been a difficult day for her today in the Starting Over house. She started out the day knowing she has to open more in the house, and knowing it would be very painful. That combined with thinking about her father in Group just has her in some emotional upheaval. Now her mother is telling her that her father expressed to her sister that he didn't want to go through this Starting Over process with her. He had originally told Jodi he would be open to improving their relationship, but now is expressing doubt.
Jill calls the private detective, Jack, with the additional information she has heard from her mother. She says they were married in January 1963, and divorced somewhere in 1967 or 1968. Jack asks if he came up with a birthday, if her mother might be able to confirm that he has found the correct man. Jill says it's possible, and calls Lynda to ask if April twenty-fifth could be her father's birthday. Lynda thinks it could be.
Allison, the Tupperware consultant, visits with Lisa1, and fills her in on the practice party she will be having this evening. Allison wants her to show her guests (housemates) how to prepare Simply Salsa at the party using the Tupperware products. Allison says many times consultants are worried about trying to entertain and engage people at a party, but thinks Lisa1 is a natural with that type of thing. Lisa goes to the grocery store to buy the food items she'll need and begins to panic that she might not be able to do this, but completes the shopping anyway.
Jodi arrives for a one-on-one with Iyanla and is still torn up about the phone call from her mother and the possibility that her father doesn't want to repair their relationship. Iyanla points to this as further proof of what she wants to work on with Jodi today – the fact that she self-diagnoses problems before they start, and often she is wrong about that diagnosis.
As evidence of Jodi's self-diagnoses being wrong, Iyanla shows her what appears to be two girls together wrapped in duct tape, although absolutely all that can be seen on the outside is duct tape and the braids from both of the girls. Iyanla asks what duct tape is usually used for, and Jodi says it's used to fix things. Jodi believes these figures of girls are love and happiness, and Iyanla takes a picture of her holding them, with Jodi smiling to show what she believes they are underneath.
Iyanla leaves Jodi to unwrap the duct tape by herself, and when she returns, she finds a surprised Jodi. There was not love and happiness inside the duct tape, but a "broken heart, and a bunch of nothing. Emptiness. Jodi gets the lesson. She covers up all the emptiness and unhappiness inside her and pretends to be happy.
With Allison by her side, Lisa1 starts her Tupperware party. She brings everyone into then kitchen to make the salsa, and has each of the housemates, as her guests, do one chore in making the salsa. Jill wonders if it's just Lisa1 being Lisa1, having everyone else do the work, but this is actually how Lisa1 is supposed to demonstrate this. This is to show her guests how easy it is, and to involve everyone in the process to keep them interested. In the end Lisa1 feels successful for what she has done, and her guests tell her that she did well.
All of the housemates then gather outside to share their artwork they created today of their greatest loss. Lisa2 created something showing that all her other losses relate back to the loss of her grandmother. Jill is the only one to not create art on a flat sheet of paper. She creates what she calls the Mountain of Fear. She has always been worried about what would go wrong, and says all the negative feelings from loss created that.
Christie's artwork shows a loss of never feeling secure. She realizes now that feeling that so early in her life, it has affected all the other relationships she has had as well. Success seems to do Lisa1 well, as for the first time, she is very open about the sexual abuse she experienced when she was a child. She had a tough time originally creating her artwork about loss of innocence, and perhaps it was more out of fear of facing those feelings.
Kim has done a huge piece of artwork that is completely filled and cluttered with all the many losses she has suffered in her life. Jodi's is, of course, about the loss of the relationship with her father. Asked if she is ready to let go of that loss, she isn't so sure. The other women convince her it's time to let it go, and she tosses it into the fire.
Jodi says after that the feeling of watching the artwork burn was incredible, but something tells me she really isn't that close at giving that loss up. She also says she is starting to feel very exposed and that she is completely frightened about it. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something there that she hasn't opened up about. She's too much in fear, and has way too many levels of duct tape on her. I think we've only begun the process of peeling it all off.
You can email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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