Starting Over 3, 02-01-06 – In Search Of A Father's Loveby LauraBelle
Jill had the misfortune, or misfortune, depending on how you look at it, to not graduate from Starting Over, and to be forced to stay in the house until she follows the advice and direction of the judge at her sentencing hearing, Miss Della Reese. The next morning, Lisa1 admits to being shocked at the decision, thinking earlier that she would must assuredly be the last of the original housemates to leave. Jill is shocked as well, thinking the roommates were going to surprise her with flowers and that there would be some candles floating in a little wading pool.
Rhonda leads Group and asks Jill "who" is here today. Jill says it's the authentic integrated Jill. When Rhonda asks about the conditions under which Jill will finally be allowed to graduate, Jill says she must locate her father, to which Rhonda acknowledges, it's time.
This leads into Rhonda's topic of men – why we need and want them, and how it goes back to why we need our daddys. Christie says we need them for companionship, and Rhonda says she can get that from her or Lisa (it doesn't matter which one ... pick one), and Jodi interjects with the answer Rhonda was looking for – SEX.
Jodi then amends it to "hot messy sex", an Rhonda asks if it's all she is looking for. Jodi says it has been. She wants that instant gratification to fill her empty cup. Rhonda points out if you are empty before sex, you'll be empty after. Well, actually ... never mind.
Christie sticks to her companionship idea, saying she wants a man around in order to not be alone. She doesn't have to be responsible then, and also gets attention and affirmations. Bottom line is she doesn't like to be alone.
Kim also didn't want to be alone, and was looking to be validated when she hooked up with her husband. Lisa1 adds she just discussed this with Dr. Stan, and the sentence that keeps pounding in her head is that she needs a man to enhance her life, not validate it.
Rhonda brings it back to the connection with our fathers, and how Jill needs to get a resolution to her relationship with her father before she can experience a loving relationship with a man. Studies show that if a woman experiences a loving relationship with her father, she will be more apt to experience loving relationships.
Jill adds if they get to the point they are lovable to themselves, it increases their options for being lovable. Rhonda emphasizes this point, saying they need to get to a point of healing to be able to have healthy relationships.
Rhonda has a one-on-one with Kim about her expectations for her marriage. She wants to spend more time as a family with the three of them going to a park together, or whatever. Her ideas come out in a way that is too controlling. She expected to be on the same page with Jeff regarding regarding things like this, but thinks he doesn't like to talk.
Kim knows she is important to Jeff when she knows he is thinking about her. When Rhonda asks her to nail it down, Kim admits to being disappointed in him about 75% of the time. Rhonda realizes this spreads further than just the relationship with Jeff. She knows this goes for all her relationships, as she has unrealistic expectations.
To get Kim to see this, Rhonda is going to have her reach out to her housemates today. She has Kim write down what she expects out of her relationships with each of her housemates. For instance, she wants to not be avoided by Jill, and wants to have a supportive relationship with Lisa1. Rhonda gives her a schedule of activities, and she needs to pick a housemate to do each activity with to work on the relationships. As she leaves, Rhonda says, "Won't it be exciting to have all your expectations filled today?" Kim doesn't seem to appreciate the facetiousness of this.
As the women mull around the kitchen, they continue the topic of sex. Jodi says she was real horny last night, and Lisa1 asks if it was Jodi trying to jump into bed with her. Christie says when she feels like that, she feels like she should be in a relationship. Jodi says she's learned to separate sexual gratification from intimacy, and Lisa1 and Christie say they have never been able to do that.
It's day two of Rhonda hammering Lisa1 into being A Tupperware consultant. Yesterday Lisa1 had a visit from a successful consultant, and today Rhonda brings her a Tupperware training manual and video to learn about this as a future career. Lisa1 is excited about the prospect of getting into sales as a whole.
Rhonda is a busy life coach today. She moves on to discussing Christie's vice with her. On the table in front of them is everything Christie is addicted to from food to alcohol to drugs to a mirror representing beauty. They discuss the pros and cons of being an addict. Christie decides on security, numbing and validation for pros. She has a hard time coming up with any cons. That's not good. Rhonda tells her addictions give her something, but also help her avoid things. Christie is starting to see her life as one big copout.
To make some type of commitment to herself, Rhonda wants Christie to create a piece of artwork as a contract to live a different type of life. But before she starts, Rhonda asks what to do with the addictions that have been laid out. Christie says she'll just dump out the alcohol, but as she opens it and smells it, she expresses remorse that she will never be able to have a drink on a cruise, or sip a pina colada on a beach. She says this sucks.
Rhonda tells her talking about being an alcoholic and owning up to it are two different things. She tells Christie that she herself is an alcoholic, and gave it up eighteen years ago. Rhonda no longer misses it. When she was six months sober, she got really p.o.'ed at her boss. Rhonda called her friend, and said she was so angry, she wanted a drink, and wanted to kill someone. Her friend got her to see she was letting someone she was angry at control her sobriety. She now sees that alcohol was controlling her, and that's what has kept her sober all this time, not wanting someone or something else in control of her life.
Christie in inspired by Rhonda's story and decides she's done. She takes the huge cupcake, the bottles of alcohol and the bottles of pills, and smashes them all into the fire pit. This time when she smells the alcohol, it makes her sick to her stomach, not remorseful. She tells Rhonda she is done with the alcohol, pills and food, but she isn't ready to give up her addictions to beauty and love.
Iyanla meets with Jill today to see how she is doing post sentencing hearing. Jill says she wants to see her father face to face, and sets an intention of meeting him and remaining open. Touching on the Group discussion today, Iyanla asks for the connection between Jill's image of her father, and her views of a potential man in her life. Jill feels she's never experienced true intimacy with a man, and says she learned early on how her father hurt her mother. She believes she was deeply scarred by that, and has internalized these feelings by thinking all men are like that.
Jill knows her father rejected her mother, so feels he would reject her as well. Iyanla points out the two relationships are completely different. He knows about her, and doesn't deny her. And there's always the possibility of people changing. Later today Jill will be meeting with a private detective to help her search. After this is cleared up, she and Iyanla will be tackling her dating issues.
Kim and Jill are making lunch in the kitchen for their one-on-one time. Kim is hoping they are able to finally connect, and asks Jill abut the conditions of her sentencing hearing. Jill talks about searching for her father, and says she feels safer doing the search while she is in the Starting Over house. She tells Kim she realizes the importance of it, if she is to have intimate relationships with a man.
After lunch, Kim and Christie go to a bead store to make jewelry together. They decide they'll always be connecteed with the bracelets they made. Kim enjoys the time together a lot, but keeps in mind she still has to connect with four more of her housemates.
Jill meets with the private detective, and tells him she knows her father's name is Leonard, that he and her mother met when they were in college together, divorcing before she was born. Jill does not have a birthdate for him. The private detective asks how badly Jill wants to find him, being that usually people come in with stacks and stacks of information, and she has come empty-handed.
When Jill confirms that she does indeed wish to find her father, the private detective tells her he will need a social security number, date of birth and Jill's birth certificate. Hell, if she had all that, I think she could find him herself. He asks for the best source of information, and Jill says her mother, but she's a little unenthusiastic about it. The private detective tells Jill to use her daughterly ways to convince her mother to cough up more information.
Kim works to connect with Lisa1 over coffee at a local cafe. She talks about her marriage not being on solid ground, and Lisa2 is shocked, saying she didn't pick up on it at all while Jeff was visiting. Kim says she would rather be alone than be with someone that doesn't make her happy. Well, that's setting her relationship up to fail, isn't it? I see Rhonda's point about expectations. Not that I suggest people stay unhappy, but it seems some of that is a result of living with abuse as a child.
Later at night, Kim reports in to Rhonda about her day with her housemates. Kim feels she had the hardest time connecting with Jill, and felt Jill was only talking and not listening. Her number one feeling from her time with Christie was that it was too short. With Lisa1, she felt it was enlightening. Now asked, Kim says her time with Jill was good. Rhonda points out that's not true, as she just said before she felt Jill wasn't listening. Kim says at least she was letting her in. Rhonda wants to know why she is willing to accept scraps.
Rhonda thinks this goes back to Kim's background. Ah-ha! I was right! Kim creates unrealistic expectations, and when people disappoint her, she makes up stories it's okay. She's really not disappointed in others, but herself for creating the expectations and feeling unloved. Rhonda give her further instructions to call three friends and ask for when they feel she has had unrealistic expectations. If she learns to release that, she'll finally feel loved.
Checking in on another of her charges, Rhonda meets with Christie, then has her show her commitment artwork to her housemates. Christie explains the collage as a contract to herself. The things on there are things she will do when she feels like she wants to use, like meditating an taking a bath. Jill suggests Christie put the collage somewhere that she will see it and live by it every day.
Rhonda asks the housemates to sign Christie's collage as witnesses to her contract. Christie says it means the word to her that they all believe in her and will be there for her.
Jill makes THE difficult call, and calls Lynda wanting to get the needed information from her. Lynda isn't exactly helpful. Jill says the scariest thing about walking down this road to find her father is that she could be rejected by him all over again.
It makes you realize how important all these pieces are to a person's healing. The sentencing hearing and Jill being required to get this taken care of, makes us connect it to the rest of the pieces of her story. The football player that rejected her is her father all over again. Likewise, that cupcake in the closet will never reject her.
You can email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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