Starting Over 3, 01-27-06 – Mother's Dayby LauraBelle
All of the housemates currently in the Starting Over house have troubles with their mothers. The difficulties range from being ignored to being abandoned to witnessing mothers doing drugs. Iyanla knows that in order to help the women, they must first heal from these issues.
Jill will have to deal with her issues with her mom sooner than she thought, as she finds out first thing in the morning that Iyanla has invited her mother to the Starting Over house. Kim's husband, Jeff, and son, Jax, will be visiting today. Lisa is shown walking all throughout the house not wearing her crutches, but as she walks into Group this morning, she has picked them up again. I still say she is the rebellious teenager after not going through the maturing process with her parents.
As Iyanla opens Group talking about issues with mothers, Kim says she doesn't really even feel she has a mom. Jill says her relationship with her mom is the most involved, as it is the greatest, and the worst. It's the center of her life. Lisa2 says this is why she gave a lot to her own children. She never felt she was given enough love from her mother.
When asked to finish the sentence, "When I was little, I wished my mom would ... " the housemates finish this sentence in varying sad ways. Christie wished her mom would love her and would be a parent, Lisa1 wished her mother would teach her to do things, Kim wished her mom would return, Lisa2 wished her mom would talk to her, and Jodi wished her mom would let her problems be hers. Jill says her mother never had anything else in her life, and Christie adds that her mom made her feel invisible.
When asked to finish the sentence, "Now I wish my mother had ..." Kim says never left me, Jodi says never let her be the protector, and Jill says she wishes her mom had been whole. She explains she felt she was the only thing that made her mom whole, and she just wanted her to be happy, feeling it cost her her life. When asked for the one thing she needs to say to her, Jill says, "Please see me."
Christie thinks the one thing she would like to say to her mom is that she was so angry and disappointed about the kind of mom she was, and it cost her her childhood. Kim says she'd like to tell her mom it cost her everything. Iyanla notes Kim still isn't able to shed a tear for herself, and notes we learn our connections from our mothers. She now says she would ask why her mother left her, and starts to finally cry, saying she was only five.
Iyanla tells Kim to let out the scream that is in her throat, and Kim says she can't feel it. Iyanla rearranges the furniture, and has Kim lie down on the floor on her back, stomp her feet, and pull the energy out of it, as if she is fighting for her life. Iyanla thinks Kim is real invested in staying wounded, and has her move into a fetal position. When Kim finally begins to release some of this, Iyanla says our mothers are our heart. If we feel it, it will kill us. Looking at Jill, she says that her mother will never see her if she doesn't show up.
As Rhonda arrives, she sees Lisa1 bounding to the door on her own two feet, and asks if she has earned the right to be crutch-free. She thinks she has, and says she tackled her two hardest crutches first, Mr. Internet and her parents. She explains emailing Mr. Internet, and his response. Rhonda allows her to take off that crutch. Lisa1 says she wrote a letter about not depending on her parents anymore, and read it to her mom over the phone, yet not her dad. Rhonda won't allow her to get rid of that one until she talks to her father.
For her support system crutch, Lisa1 says she has talked to Jessica and Jill about remaining close, and plans to speak with TJ and Allison. Rhonda won't give her that one until she has three solid confirmed people in her support network. As for goals, Lisa1 wants to cook more. Rhonda has her change that to a more tangible goal of hosting her first dinner party a month after she is home from Starting Over. Her other goals are taking tennis lessons for three months and seeking employment within a month. Rhonda allows her to take off that one. How is she going to afford tennis lessons if she is not financially depending on her parents anymore and doesn't have a job? Lisa1 is left with four of her original six, and Rhonda allows her to move the remaining four to one crutch, and to only have to walk on that one crutch now.
Christie meets with Dr. Stan, who feels she is in denial about her addictions. When she says she is currently sober, he asks if she is simply not drinking, or if she has been in AA. Christie says she was in a group type of thing like AA. As for her drug addiction, Christie says she hasn't done illegal drugs in awhile, but she was recently using Vicodin, up to 10 or 12 a day. On the weekends, she would be mixing her Vicodin with alcohol.
Eventually it comes out, which Christie admits she didn't want it to just yet, that just one month before coming to Starting Over, Christie was in an alcohol treatment center for a medical detox. She had checked herself in. Dr. Stan is having Christie meet with an addiction specialist later. He wants her to see how having parents with drug and alcohol issues impacted her.
Kim goes out front to wait for Jeff and Jax to arrive. When they do, Jax jumps out of the car and says, "Mommy!" I am sure that was worth waiting every minute for. After the housemates all meet Jeff and Jax, Rhonda arrives and pulls Jeff away for a one-on-one with her, as she wants to get his perspective. Jax cries when his dad leaves the room.
Jeff says since he has known Kim, he knew she was challenged with so many personal issues. The first time he noticed her history interfering in her life was when hearing all the stories, saying they were quite remarkable. Once he began putting it all together, he wondered about the overall effect. Rhonda asks about Kim's inability to settle down, and Jeff notes he has seen that himself with her at home.
Rhonda asks Jeff what he wishes he could do, and he responds that he wishes he was able to go away and rest himself. He can't, or she will fee abandoned. Yet, throughout it all, he says he has never thought of leaving her. This doesn't seem like the same guy Kim had talked to Dr. Stan about. She said Jeff was very non-supportive. I'm not seeing that. He sees her as very intent on solving her issues, and Rhonda says those in the Starting Over house with Kim don't see it this way.
For another viewpoint on Kim, Rhonda brings in Jill. Yep, you're right, Rhonda. There's another viewpoint. Jill talks carefully, trying to find the right words for her experiences with Kim. She says she finds her ... a ... challenge. She talks about her first day in the house when Kim was telling a story that went on forever. She and the other housemates were laughing, and when Kim called them out on it, they apologized.
Jeff believes Kim's long stories are her defending herself. Rhonda says that's true, but she hangs on to one point, and in the process, she misses the healing, connections and openness of what's going on. Jeff admits he's not surprised at this. Jill tells him she doesn't dislike Kim, just her behavior, and he admits this is a recurring theme.
After Jill leaves, Jeff tells Rhonda he had heard of some of the tension between Kim and her housemates from his phone conversations with her. Rhonda tells him for Kim to heal and make new connections, she needs to separate from Jax and Jeff a little more. She says many of the housemates don't call their husbands daily, only doing it once a week. Jeff agrees to help with this. Rhonda tells him she is sending him and Kim to dinner that night. She leaves him, saying that until Kim is willing to do the work, there is nothing they can do to help her.
Christie meets with Dr. John Tsilimparis, the addiction specialist. She tells him about her father passing away when she was very young, and that her mom began using drugs after that. Christie would try to protect her, but it was always so out in the open. Before she would have friends over, Christie would go around and hide all the paraphernalia so that no one would know. Dr. Tsilimparis tells her that our addictions are caused by our environment and genetics. She happened to suffer from both. He suggests instead of focusing on why she is so weak to succumb, she should instead focus on this as a treatable illness.
Over dinner, Kim and Jeff agree not to talk as often on the phone. She also tells him she is trying with Jill, and that Jill thinks she is cold. Jeff offers to her that maybe she is cold. Could it be the reason that Kim thinks he isn't supportive is because he simply doesn't always agree with her? Kim says everyone always says she's cold, but she thinks it's because she is in fear. Jeff says he told Rhonda he would like to see Kim be able to relax and be at peace. Jeff's fortune cookie says, "You will have many bright days ahead."
I think Kim and Jeff will have many bright days ahead. But first, she has to "surrender to the process." Just as Iyanla suggested, Kim has invested so much in being wounded, it's hard for her to give up this idea she has lived her whole life by. Yes, she was wounded. Badly. More so than any child should be, and on every different level. However, at some point, you have to stop blaming that for the way your life is, and move on and heal.
Do you think Kim and Jill will eventually become friends? You can email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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