Starting Over 3, 01-13-06 – Like A Trip To The Mallby LauraBelle
Every once in awhile we happen across one of those Starting Over shows that is so difficult to watch, we don't know whether to shut off th TV in disgust, join a crusade to fight for the cause, or just cry a long with them. I always opt for the latter.
Christina starts her day off in a good way. She receives a basket of goodies from Iyanla. Along with the lotions, trail mix and cookies, is a personal notes saying how glad Iyanla is to share this experience with Christina and wishing her luck on her G.E.D. preparation. Christina says it means a lot to her that Iyanla put such thought into arranging the basket and writing such thoughtful aspirations.
Kim calls her husband, Jeff, to check on how he and their son, Jax, are doing. She asks if Jeff has called her grandmother. He says no, and promises to do it real soon. Kim is worried her Grandmother will die soon and wants to encourage the relationship of Jax and his Great Grandmother. Jeff again promises to call her soon.
TJ and her husband, Rick, who is visiting, emerge from the guest room, decked with a "Do Not Disturb" sign. TJ then wanders into the kitchen, and Lisa1 and Christina wonder out loud about TJ and Rick's "conjugal visit." TJ says she's not talking, but they can ask Rick if they really want to know. Lisa1 laughs, saying she'll ask him how it felt to have sex since he hadn't had it in so long.
Everyone, including Rick, convenes outside with Rhonda for an assignment. The goal of this is to teach TJ to give up control, but Rhonda hopes the others will learn things as well. There is a giant tarp and paints set up, and everyone is to decorate it whoever they wish, without any verbalizing. I think this will be more difficult for some than others.
Jill sets to work right away, painting a particular message, "God is ..." in huge letters. Christina admits to being somewhat happy they aren't allowed to talk, as no one will be telling he what to do. Kim and Lisa2 are both done before everyone else, and sit alongside each other. Rhonda comes along and asks, "Is that all you got?" She tells them at Starting Over they always put everything they have into every exercise. Christina hops off the tarp in bare, painted feet. She's giving it everything, including her feet.
Discussing the exercise after everyone is done, Rhonda explains that how everyone related to each other here, is very much how they relate to people in their relationships. Lisa2 says Kim had touched her wrist to tell her she was getting too close to Kim's area, as if she didn't want Lisa2 to ruin her pretty picture. Rhonda encourages Lisa2 to see she was pushing people away from her space and not accepting help.
Jill wasn't happy when anyone began to mess with her message. Rhonda notes that although she wasn't happy, she just kept making it stronger and stronger. There was no room for others to interact with her, and absolutely no intimacy to be shared. This brings quite the epiphany out of Jill. Lisa2, understanding the connection, says she played it safe in her own area, never venturing anywhere or taking any chances.
Rhonda explains that this was a good time to try this exercise since two people have just left the house, and two new housemates have entered. How they deal with these issues are how they deal with family. In families the same thing will happen; some will leave, and some will join in. Rhonda reminds everyone of her belief that everyone's core need is to belong and connect.
As Rhonda is explaining this, TJ moves in closer to Jill and drops her chin on Jill's shoulder, bringing about Jill's tears. TJ admits to feeling very vulnerable when Jessica and Allison left. She didn't know how to tell Jill that she missed her. She is very thankful for this exercise for bringing about this awareness, and tells Jill she has missed her so much. Jill jokes she must have a titanium wall around herself, and admits to putting up that wall when Allison left. In the process she cut TJ off. Watching the others connect, Lisa2 realizes how close she wants to be with them; it's just tough for her to get out of the box.
The art-making on the tarp must have inspired Christina. She finds herself in an art supply store buying painting supplies. She wants to make some things to sell to raise they money to get her pictures off the internet. When she returns to the house, she has a surprise visit from her tutor, Gretchen. She helps Christina go over some last minute things before the big G.E.D. test. Essay writing continues to be Christina's weak spot. She says she plans to write a pretend essay every night. Am I the only one that think this sounds fun?
Rhonda meets with TJ and Rick privately. Rick says he notices the changes in TJ. She seems to be so much more calm and settled; she isn't spinning anymore. TJ is enjoying Rick's visit. She believes it has brought a deeper, emotional connection between them.
Realizing they have built their relationship on the wounds they both suffered having ADD, Rhonda encourages them to leave all that behind at the Starting Over house and look towards the future. She believes Rick's past affair should be dealt with the same way. Asked if there are any past issues left unresolved, the two bring up their business and how TJ felt abandoned. I still don't understand what their business is and what happened between them with it.
Rhonda gives TJ a homework assignment. She would like her to prepare a statement of truth and commitment for each of her housemates. Later this evening she will have a commitment ceremony where she will present her statements. It seems a little at this point, like Rhonda is possibly preparing TJ for graduation.
In the most disturbing thing I have seen in quite some time, Rhonda moves on to meeting with Kim. In an effort to get her to emote through some of her difficult childhood, Kim is asked to tell one story that encapsulates the horrors she faced. She tells of a dinner she didn't want to eat because she detested it. She was five or 6. She was to stay there until she finished it all. Once she finished, she went to bed, and threw up all over, while still in her bed. She couldn't ask anyone for help, so she balled herself up in the cleanest area she could find. The next night, her bedding still hadn't been washed. She laid down on her bed, and not having any blankets, she covered up with opened books.
Kim also tells of the first time she can remember being hit. She was with her new step sisters. Her grandmother had given them all dolls, and her father came in and smacked her. From her story, it's not clear why he was doing this, and perhaps it wasn't to her either. Rhonda is very disturbed by this, as we all are, saying Kim is describing these stories like a trip to the mall. There is absolutely no emotion being shown.
Rhonda asks Kim to show, without words, how she felt when she was five or six and being hit. She balls herself up on the ground, still not showing any emotion. Rhonda asks her to now be her dad and hands her a belt. Kim knocks a chair over and begins smacking it over and over with the belt. This is truly a disgusting thing to witness. It made me literally sick to my stomach. It's things many of us don't want to think about, but being faced with it like this, we have to.
Encouraged to feel sorry foro the child in herself and her father, Kim says she always did feel sorry for him. There would be some times when he would be walking around with a gun to his head. Rhonda keeps encouraging her to feel the rage and the anger, but Kim says it scares her. Rhonda tells her, "You're going to sit here until you do."
Kim says she just feels like getting eggs and throwing them all over. Rhonda tells her to go get the eggs then. After Kim leaves the kitchen with the eggs, Jill says she's a hard one, and that she can't read Kim at all. If Jill has a titanium wall around her, she thinks Kim must have an electric fence. There's something so odd about her.
After Kim throws and smashes eggs all over the chair, she brings out other food. She throws it all over, then picks up a bat and begins beating the food covered chair. She finds a punching bag and beats the hell out of it, then gets a knife, cuts it open, and beats the hell out of it again. She then picks up a bag of sugar and pours it on the huge mess of chair, shredded bag and filling, and food. Kim tells Rhonda this mess is her.
Rhonda suggests Kim lay in the mess, which she does. Rhonda suggests Kim's father didn't let anything go, and would keep on Kim like that until there was nothing left. Finally .... finally ... Kim cries. She tells Rhonda she wants to be open, but not like this. She wants to look happy. Rhonda tells Kim to go to a coffee shop with one of her housemates and share this experience with them.
I honestly, though, don't think anyone could ge the whole effect of this unless you see it. Hearing it isn't the same. I have a friend who has witnessed very similar atrocities at the hands of her father. I couldn't ever imagine what it must have been like to feel all that she went through. Watching Kim on Starting Over today, it makes me sick. Just typing it up now makes me sick. I think I will be emailing my friend after this to let her know I'm thinking of her.
Christina shows off her art supplies to TJ, Rick and some of the others in the house. Looking at one of the brushes, TJ asks Rick if he wants to "play slap and tickle with that later." I just really don't even want know. Christina and Lisa1 probably do though.
Kim brings Lisa2 with her to the coffee shop, feeling they have bonded some since they are the two newest gals in the house. Lisa2 knows Kim is hiding alot. She attached herself real quickly there, but Lisa2 still feel a wall up. She tells Kim her story tears her up, and they both realize they are both hiding behind a mask. Kim tells Lisa2 she wants to feel happiness, but Rhonda told her she has to feel the pain first. Lisa2 says Iyanla told her the exact same thing, and suggests they can help each other out with this.
Rick is preparing to leave, and TJ says it will be hard knowing he will still be very close. Rick is leaving the Starting Over house, but is actually going to see an old friend of his and TJ's that lives in town. I wonder again if TJ is close to graduating since he isn't going home yet.
Christina works on some painting, but realizes she should be studying. She just has to work on getting rid of those pictures on the internet. It's all she can think about. Lisa2 is wondering who is going to cook dinner. Without Allison, everyone seems a little lost. Lisa2 thinks the steak in the fridge is getting ugly, and needs to be cooked soon, but doesn't know how to cook it. Kim offers to do it. Everyone is thinking she is trying too hard to fit in, resulting in her talking too much.
As TJ sits down to write her commitments and truths down for her housemates, Kim follows Christina around watching her paint. Christina really wants to concentrate on the painting, but Kim keeps asking her superficial thinks about her son, his daycare, and what she does all day if she doesn't work. I think Christina answered these questions so longer ago for the rest of the people in the house, that's it's hard for her to dredge her past up again, especially when she is working so hard on getting rid of it by painting the pictures to sell them.
TJ starts her ceremony with her housemates, and begins with Lisa2. She hopes the relationship will strengthen, and that they will continue to support each other at t he house and once they are both back home again. For Kim, she hopes they continue t heir friendship, but with a deeper intimacy. She appreciates her humor and willingness. Her willingness to challenge herself makes TJ stronger.
With Christina, TJ acknowledges her patience and tolerance, saying it hasn't been easy for them. TJ tells Lisa1 she wants her to continue to be open and vulnerable to support her, even after they both graduate. Lisa1 says, "Aspen, here we come!" For her "Jilly Bean", TJ hopes they continue their amazing connection, through the good, bad, and ugly. She hopes Jill will continue to tell and receive the truth.
Facing eveyrone, TJ says that getting connected was her overall goal. Finding relationships with women was her worst struggle in life. Now she realizes it was all on her. She appreciates everyones help. As they have a group hug, I know she has to be graduating soon.
In the previews for the next week, TJ gets a surprise. Yep, she has to be graduating. She has come a long way. It's hard to see sometimes, but she has. She still spins out of control occasionally, yet she always comes back after, realizing her mistake, and tries to fix it, whether it works or not.
Were you affected the same way by Kim's stories? You can email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
Interested in American Idol? See my blog at Belle's Blog. And play the Idol Go Home game while you're there to win a trip to the Finale!
For a preview of this year's American Idol, see American Idol Season Five Preview here at the Shack!
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