Starting Over 3, 12-13-05 – "Future Not So Bleak"by LauraBelle
There is nothing easy about being a child. There is nothing easy about being a parent. As the children get older, it doesn't get easier for either side. Many of the housemates on Starting Over have issues with one or both of their parents. Today two of them try to solve that.
The house is bustling with the expected arrival of Jessica's parents later in the day. TJ gathers everyone in the kitchen saying she knows Jessica wants the evening to be special, and she knows Jessica would like some wine at dinner. Since Allison is the wine connoisseur, she would like her help. TJ then flits back and forth repeating the word wine over and over trying to figure out how many bottles will be necessary and repeating again and again that she knows Jessica wants some at dinner. It was enough to begin to make people uncomfortable.
While this is going on Jessica is setting up her photo exhibit and goes on to have a conversation with Rhonda who asks what she wants out of her visit with her father and his new wife, Vivian, today. Jessica says she wants to be able to finally be honest and present in her conversation with them, especially her father.
Iyanla has a similar conversation with Allison who is on graduation watch. Later today Allison, her mother and Iyanla will have a conference call. Allison wants her mother to know how much she has changed. Iyanla warns her that she should be an adult in her conversation with her mother, and not revert to being a child as she usually does when she talks to her mother.
This leadds into exactly what Rhonda wants to speak about in Group. She asks how old everyone acts when they speak to their parents. Allison says she returns to a six-year-old, Lisa says 10 and Jessica says she was a sixteen-year-old when she would speak to her mother, but now with her father she floats back and forth between sixteen and thirty-five.
Rhonda warns that everyone needs to be able to see t heir parents as human, and all admit that's hard to do. Allison begins addressing the difficulties she faces with her mother, and says she has always pretended like her life was great. It will be hard to finally admit to her mom t hat everything hasn't always been so rosy. Rhonda asks if she has ever just been honest and said, "Mom, I'm scared."
Christina offers a unique perspective as the only mother in the house, so she is both a child and a mother. Rhonda asks how parents can teach their children to be independent. Christina says that is so difficult as it's hard to not put your child first all the time and focus on yourself. It's an automatic response to want to take care of them.
Rhonda meets privately with TJ and checks in to see how she was doing with her assignment to not offer opinions unless asked. TJ was doing quite well with it, but admits one reason is because it was an assignment. Rhonda pulls all the women together to help her show TJ just how difficult it is to communicate with her.
Speaking specifically about offering opinions, talking when she's anxious and interfering in others' conversations, Rhonda has the other women roleplay conversations with Jill being TJ. Jill does quite well with the imitation. TJ is quite hurt after and asks why they need to go over this same information again, and feels she is being hung out to dry again. Rhonda reminds her she wanted some help, and puts out five rules that TJ is to be obeying in her communication. She asks the housemates to help. If TJ doesn't obey one of the five rules, they are to pull out a brick, write their initials on it, and place it by the rule that was broken.
Shortly after this TJ becomes quite nervous and anxious waiting for Jessica's father and wife with her. She can barely contain herself, wanting to go to the window and stare out and wait. Jessica's father and Vivian arrive. She asks them if they are nervous and admits to feeling the same. She introduces them to her housemates and gives them a tour of the house ending in the backyard to show her photos.
Jessica is very nervous about showing the part of her exhibit that has her "story" she wrote as an assignment. It's about her life, and who she is. She feels badly about Vivian seeing this as much of it is about her mom. Vivian doesn't seem hurt reading it, though, and just seems to appreciate knowing this side of Jessica.
Iyanla and Allison get together with a box of Kleenex and the phone. Allison calls her mom and tells her how difficult it is to say these things to her. Yet she admits that she was unhappy growing up and was often sad because of the alcoholism in their family. Her mom says she knew Allison was unhappy, but never realized before that she was that sad. I kind of see these going hand in hand, so that doesn't make too much sense here.
With Iyanla's urging, Allison moves on to the big one. She admits to her mother that her job might pull her out of Charlotte and to some bigger cities. Iyanla tells her to tell the whole truth. Allison finally admits she wants to move out of Charlotte. To her surprise, her mother says she h as known for quite some time that Allison has wanted to leave Charlotte, and says that's okay. With her charming Southern accent, she adds that she hopes Allison at least comes out to visit her for a little bit between leaving the Starting Over house and moving out of state.
Hanging up the phone, Iyanla notes to Allison that her mom wasn't shocked. If there was any resistance here, it was Allison holding herself back, not her mother. Allison says her mom says she's okay with that, but she doesn't think that's true. Iyanla says it doesn't matter. Hold her to her word. She tells Allison she's not on graduation watch anymore, but graduation watch. She tells her to pack her bags and take that and her A, and tell her in 24 hours what her plan is.
TJ is still flitting around, quite anxious about Jessica's father and Vivian being in the house. She has a conversation with Jill and admits to being quite anxious while she talks nonstop. Jill gets out a brick, writes her initials and puts it by "talking while anxious."
Jessica has a one-on-one with Vivian. Vivian says when she doesn't receive openness with either Jessica or her siblings, she knows it's not her. It's just more of what they have all been saddled with. Jessica realizes for the first time that Vivian is only thirteen years older than her and the same age as half her housemates. She had never before imagined that they could have a friendship with each other. She doesn't have to be "stepmom." Vivian ends the conversation telling Jessica she was blessed with a spectacular mother.
Moving on, Vivian talks with Jessica's housemates in the kitchen. She says she had never imagined before dating Jessica's dad that she would marry a man with three grown children. She had always dated men before that didn't have children. She knows she wouldn't have the energy for younger kids now, and Lisa identifies with that, saying she doesn't have the energy for that now either, and elects to not have kids for right now.
TJ talks to her husband, Rick, on the phone about her difficult day. He tells her to stick through it. He knows she's not a quitter. Rick tells TJ he is very proud of her. This is probably exactly what she needed to hear. She relies so much on him at home, and it must be hard to be at a place without his support and feel like she's being hung out to dry.
Rhonda, Jessica and her father, Steven, meet outside. Steven admits to seeing a counselor that helped him a great deal after Jessica's mother's death. He feels guilty about t he way he treated his children. He needed to push them away. It was hard for him to try and fill his normal role in the family, deal with his own grief, and also try to fill Cora's shoes as well.
Jessica takes his lead and says it's her intention now to be more present and not always want to take control. She recognizes now that Vivian is good for her dad. He says he doesn't want her to be the stepmom, he just wants her to be seen as his wife and part of the family. Jessica tells her dad that she never said it before, but his love and support always meant a lot to her even though she was always closer to her mom. She tells him that had he not started living for himself, she would never have realized how unhappy she was, and never would have come here to start over.
All the housemates, Vivian and Steven sit down outside to eat dinner. It has to be noted that the wine TJ was so worried about it on the table. Everyone seems quite comfortable with each other. As Vivian and Steven are leaving after dinner, Jessica admits she never would have thought the comfort around them would have been possible.
We know what's around the corner for her. She is completely different than the overly sad Jessica that came into the house a few months ago. She is much more confident, she no longer hides, and she is so much more present. She tells TJ and Lisa it's making her wonder if she is done. Her future is no longer so bleak.
Allison meanwhile still isn't so sure. She starts packing, as per Iyanla's orders. She doesn't feel prepared yet, but she knows she has to go and that her time is coming pretty quickly. Just accept it and own it, Allison. That's all you need to do. You just have to drop those fears for one moment, and realize that healthy world that is out there waiting for you.
Is TJ ever going to ever be able to employ all these tools on a regular basis? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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