From Drunken Proposal to Dazzling Wedding: Queer Eye Episode 220 -- Christina M. Rau/ GatsbyGirl
Now that JoeU! has proposed, the guys need to plan the wedding. That includes church and reception place, more clothes shopping and food tasting, more learning about flowers, and more, if Ted has anything to say about it, drinking.
The Man: JoeU! part two. Now he’s engaged after the hour long drunken debacle led by our very own Ted.
The Plan: A wedding. Now that the happy couple is engaged, they need to get hitched.
The Woman Involved: Laura. She said yes.
The Time Limit: Three months before the day! Can they get it planned on time? Of course! They’re fabulous! How could they not? Plus, there’s no way Laura’s gonna wait another ten years for the wedding to happen.
The Places:
The Fab Five meet up with the happy couple at St. Bart’s Café and they gush gush gush over Laura, who they are finally meeting. Somehow, JoeU! winds up on Kyan’s lap as the guys grill Laura about how excited she is.
They all check out the church and meet up with David the Wedding Planner. And now, we begin the liberalist political campaign to legalize gay marriage in the United States. First, the boys send Carson into the church to see if it will burn down; if not, they’ll follow him. Heehee. Guinea pig. Inevitably, they follow.
The church is the size of a small country and has all dark wood with lighter wood accents and it’s just really beautiful. Ted pulls out of JoeU! that he’d like to hear “Ave Maria” for his mom. Aww, shucks.
Then David the Wedding Planner explains that the place of the wedding tells the story and then what you do during the wedding adds to the story and this is so unnecessary because they already have a friggin story long enough to fill a book. Yet Carson interjects that a big part of the story is the liquor you choose. Wow, are all the guys going alki on me?
The reception hall is next. Carson jokes that it’s Chuck E. Cheese. Heehee. Have I ever mentioned how I will never set foot inside of a Chuck E. Cheese? That’s just too much of a risk; I would never, ever want that giant rat anywhere near me. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with a guy in a mouse outfit; my fear stems from an unfortunate encounter I had with Twinkie The Kid at the local A&P when I was, like, four. Anyway, the reception hall…
Is gorgeous! Almost as huge as the church. This is literally a BIG wedding. Where exactly is it? Or, I should ask, what…umm, does the New York Public Library sound familiar? Yeah. There. One of the most beautiful buildings anywhere complete with lions. Thom says he “hand whittled it all” himself. Heeheeheee.
Carson says the rotunda is cozy. Ha! The Library Dude explains a bunch of stuff about the library. Then they all go downstairs to a huge marble white room for the reception. HUGE HUGE HUGE.
JoeU! wants everyone to have a good time. Laura says she wants that too but it’s “her wedding” which means she wants it to be special. Then Thom dances with Laura; he’s so hitting on her.
The Decisions:
Thom and Ted meet up with Carla, a wedding planner. Another one. The couple and the T’s pick out forks and plates. JoeU! could care less. They’re all fighting over forks and JoeU! winds up choosing the dessert fork. Whoo-hoo!
Then they meet some guy who looks like the poor man’s Jay Leno. He’s a chef and presents halibut with marmalade that they all love. Next there’s beef that looks completely raw. Laura likes the halibut and JoeU! likes the meat. Then they taste chocolate from some French-named thing and their names are on the chocolate and everyone cheers. I cheer for chocolate too.
Jai brings the couple to Alpine something or other to design invitations. She explains something about making a scrapbook and then Jai talks about writing vows. Jai accuses JoeU! of not wanting to and he asks, “Why is it always me?!!” Heehee.
Carson, meanwhile, is at a bridal shop, looking at an album, and accusing some bride of having a penis. Okay, then. Laura shows up and is surprised by her entire bridal shower, who Carson calls her bride peeps. She tries on a bunch of dresses. Then Carson tries one on. All strapless.
Meanwhile, Jai is still berating JoeU! at the stationery store about writing his own vows. He finally agrees, begrudgingly.
Back to the dresses. The bridal peeps let out an AWWWW as she comes out in another white strapless dress and they love love love it. Then Carson gives her 200,000 dollars worth of jewelry to borrow from Kwiat that’s “smashing but not overly glitzy.”
Then Laura’s mom makes Laura cry by saying how Laura reminds her of her mom. Then her mom asks her to wear a pinky ring as something borrowed from her and something old from the grandma. Then Mom says, “Okay, that’s enough. We’re happy.” Heehee. That’s such a mom thing to say.
Laura then meets Kyan at the salon. Kyan is sportin’ quite a five o’clock shadow; actually, it’s on the verge of scrubby and he’s lookin’ kinda palish these days. I wonder if he’s been reading the recaps and feeling bad about himself from how harsh I’ve been in the past. Oh, get over it, Kyan. This season, we’re focusing on Ted’s drinking problem. Unless Kyan’s been on a bender as well. Hmm, this could be an interesting season.
Anyway, they meet a super special stylist for her wedding day hair. The stylist wants her to have a huge amount of hair through the back. He makes a swoopy bun and they attach the veil.
Then they meet a make-up guy who’s also super special. He gives Laura lots of make-up, calling it “the best possible version of yourself.” He insists that you need lots of make-up because of flash photography. She looks fabulous, if your definition of fabulous means wearing too much make-up. Seriously, what is it with women who pile on the make-up to the point where they’re unrecognizable? Laura does look pretty, but she’s wearing that shimmery eye shadow that reflects every last wrinkle on your eyelids and then piles up on the creases as you blink so that you have a band of shimmery silver by the end of five hours. Not flattering. But Kyan approves and they all air kiss each other.
Onto Martha Stewart’s favorite cake maker. They meet up with a very bald, very white cake maker—you know, a caker. He shows them floating tiers with sugar flowers. Each tier is 8 layers. They include peanut ganache and coconut. Omigod, I want it all. He tells them to let it linger. Umm, I would have downed that sucker. JoeU! likes pistachio and Ted approves. So it’s pistachio and forks for JoeU!
The couple then meets up once again with David the Wedding Planner who is talking about flowers. Actually, that’s really all he’s talked about. I guess that’s what a wedding planner does. He arranges flowers. Thom helps choose the flowers based on the color of the dresses for the bridal peeps which is slate blue. That was the color of my prom dress. I loved it back then. It’s kinda pale for me now. Whatever—not my wedding.
JoeU!’s turn to get some duds. At Ralph Lauren. Evening wedding and reception at St. Bart’s and the NYPLibrary means tuxedo. Scott the best friend shows up along with another guy who JoeU! calls his best friend. So he has two best friends? And the guy who isn’t Scott is the best man. Okay, then.
Carson dresses JoeU! in the dressing room and this scene, I’m hoping, was heavily edited because the interaction between the two of them is completely weirding me out. Carson keeps talking and cracking jokes while JoeU! is silent. I mean, you can’t even hear him breathing. It’s freaky. He tells JoeU! to name his daughter Carson, joking that his parents weren’t sure if he was a boy or a girl. It would be funny if it weren’t for the awkward silence.
Carson then wants him to put on these velvet slippers that are completely ridiculous. They make a bet: Carson thinks that the best man and JoeU!’s friend Scott will NOT notice the slippers first while JoeU! thinks that will be the first thing they jump on him about. When they emerge from the dressing room, the best friend and Scott both say “Love the slippers.” Carson claims that he’s won until Scott explains that he was being facetious which is such a twenty point SAT word! Heehee.
Carson teaches them how to tie a bow tie. Foreshadowing! Guaranteed, they won’t remember come wedding day. Not Scott ties it. Scott looks on with HUH? written all over his face.
Then, JoeU! must meet Kyan at the salon. They meet up with the stylist who will do JoeU!’s hair right before the ceremony. JoeU! doesn’t seem excited. Then Kyan gives him the entire Loreal men’s line and a Lucite shaving set. JoeU! is glowing. Then Kyan tells him that he’s making six of them for the groomsmen. They hug.
The rest of the guys show up with champagne. Surprise. They give JoeU! black and white onyx cuff links that have their initials on it. JoeU! thanks them for everything and gushes over Laura and they kiss. Laura thanks them too. Carson says they owe the FF seven thousand dollars. Heehee.
Then Carson says that whether they’re a gay couple or a straight couple, they should be happy. Political statement what?
Hip Tip: Kyan says to put your eye cream in the fridge and then taste it.
On the Critic Couch:
The FF are in tuxes and are tres nervous.
Over at the Millenium Hilton, everyone is getting ready. They have food. They have suites. They have it all.
Laura comes in with her posse and Thom jokes that she’s speed walking. Then they all have mimosas.
The guys are getting massages and manicures. Ted notes, “The bride’s getting plastered.” Well, you set the precedent, Ted!
The FF roar at the screen as the best man and Scott can’t remember how to tie the bow tie. Didn’t see that one coming (sarcasm!). JoeU! wonders if anyone of the guys knows how to tie it and it’s quite clear that none of them do, seeing as how they’re all walking around with their ties untied around their necks. Kyan asks, “Where is a gay man when you need one?”
The Best Friend finally ties it and it’s all floopy. Now Jai calls for the gay man. The Back Up gay, David the Wedding Planner, comes to the rescue and ties it for JoeU!. So wedding planners set up flowers and tie bow ties.
Guests arrive at the church. Ted’s getting chills.
Laura gets veiled. There’s friggin white tulle all over her and she starts crying.
JoeU!’s waiting at the church.Thom comments that JoeU! “looks like he’s gonna have a heart attack.” Yes he does. He’s sweating. He’s rubbing out his eyeballs. The man may keel over. Jai harps on the whole vows thing.
The bridal peeps show up and walk down the aisle. The FF stand up in front of the CC. Laura emerges and they’re all beside themselves. She is pretty gorgeous. Ted calls her electric.
Commercial break—wow, Heidi Klum is extremely pregnant. I guess I haven’t been paying much attention to Project Runway. AND if you live in Vegas, call up Queer Eye because they want to make you over.
Let the ceremony begin! Carson is already in tears. Dad gives Laura away and she whispers, “Thanks, Dad.” Awwww.
Then some opera singer sings “Ave Maria,” and JoeU! is beside himself with emotion. He and Laura are so holding back tears. He winds up saying traditional vows. Probably because it’s so emotional for him. Kyan points out, “He was gonna lose it if he said his own vows.” When he says that, he has this aura of “I told you so,” and it’s really funny. So there, Jai! Maybe he had a reason after all.
The priest says they’re husband and wife and they kiss kiss kiss. Surprisingly, the FF aren’t crying all that much.
Onto the reception. First in the rotunda, they have the cocktail hour. Then they go into the white room and the new U!’s come down the stairs. Laura has let her hair down. Umm, it’s her wedding day so I’m not saying anything.
They have their first dance to some song I’ve never heard of. Then everyone joins in dancing. Oh, wait. The song is “Come What May.” And the band sucks. Either that or it’s the acoustics.
Now there’s more dancing. The FF are petrified. Someone has a red tambourine. Frank the Best Man who is not Scott reads a poem about the wonder of love. The FF think that JoeU! and LauraU! are a dazzling couple. They are but, as for Laura, just today, I just don’t get the hair. It’s slicked back yet puffy. What’s with that? Anyway, I’m not mentioning it.
Best Man says he loves them and he knows they’ll have a great life. The FF cheer to the toast.
Next, the cake comes out. The new U!’s are flabbergasted. It looks like a bunch of chocolate boxes piled high on top of one another. Then they feed each other cake and he doesn’t smash it in her face. GOOD! I hate that. And fade to black.
The FF think it was perfect. They toast to the new U!’s.
Tips of the Week:
It’s all about making that toast. Practice but don’t sound rehearsed. Keep it PG. Don’t be too long. Say something personal and funny. End by inviting your guests to raise their glasses. Then down the champagne and all the alcohol you can consume after that if it’s not a cash bar.
Then they toast to gay couples and hoping to allow gay marriages. End of political statement . . . for now. There’s a whole season ahead of us!
Wanna marry me so I can have my reception at the New York Public Library? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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