Motorcycle or Engagement Ring, Which Spells Romance? - Queer Eye Episode 206 -- Christina M. Rau / Gatsby Girl
Guess who’s back…back again….Queer Eye’s back….tell a friend….guess who’s back guess who’s back guess who’s back guess who’s back nanana…..
And so goes my rendition of Eminem, the Fab Five version. Yes, once again, Ted, Jai, Kyan, Carson, and Thom are back in action for a season devoted to weddings. Sure, they’ve done weddings before but now the ENTIRE SEASON is devoted to weddings. Ain’t nuttin’ worse than a messed up groom. So ring those wedding bells and throw those bouquets—here’s Queer Eye Wedding Style.
And in honor of the new season, I’m workin’ a new recap format. I’ve always wondered to myself why my recaps are so friggin long. Then I realized that, because Queer Eye is a make-over show, I’ve been giving visual details as well as action. So I’m trying to be less verbose. Yeah, right, we’ll see how that goes.
The Man:
Joe U (heh—that sounds like a cuss word, like “Up yours!” “Well, Joe you too!”), a 36 year old white guy with short, spiky black hair who likes to dress comfortably and does not like commitment. He has a house that shows his minimalist side, as in it isn’t really decorated and doesn’t look lived in except for some messy blankets. And his mom died on Valentine’s Day which makes him all wacked out when it comes to love.
The Plan:
A wedding proposal. Umm, that doesn’t exactly match up with the commitment phobia there, JoeU!. You may want to rethink that. The guys want to take him “from the dog house to the altar.” That’s doesn’t rhyme either. Not a very good or poetic idea.
The Woman Involved:
Laura, JoeU!’s now ex-girlfriend of one month who was his girlfriend of ten years. This is the woman he will propose to. His ex. Because he wanted to just move in, she wanted marriage, he bought a motorcycle, and she dumped him. So what better way to reconcile than crawling back to the woman you scarred by choosing a speedy inanimate object over her and ask her to be with you for the rest of your life. Just the three of you in wedded, motorized bliss.
The Problems:
Carson thinks his wardrobe is outdated and he has all ugly colored clothes. Also, his closet is all about JoeU! with no room for Laura. JoeU!’s reaction? Laugh nervously and bumble through an excuse that makes no sense. Chalk one up for the Fab Five.
Ted thinks the kitchen design is tragic, as in the drawers bump into each other when you try to open them. He also wonders why someone would paint a room such a nasty green. Then he calls out “Nice engagement ring” while holding up a picture of a motorcycle.
Thom, Jai, and Kyan find out that JoeU! does have a ring. However, I mentioned the motorcycle, right? Yeah, he bought that first.
Thom thinks that the house has no real identity but does find out that the grandfather clock is sentimental. Perhaps he can work on a clock theme. See, that’s why I never went into design. Anyway, Thom points out that the living room is “the room of loveseats in the house of no love.” How poignant. How true. How sad. How very very sad.
Kyan thinks that JoeU!’s hair is dyed but it’s not. Then they all inspect his chest and find that he chafes.
Ted then mock-admires the remote-controlled ceiling fan. Who needs that? He and Thom then find some Moet in the fridge along with only plastic utensils and cups.
The Antics:
Jai finds a pair of those I-just-had-cataract-surgery-sunglasses and dons them. requests that Kyan make love to him by the fire. Kyan’s response: “You’re scaring me.” Heehee. Oh how I’ve missed these guys.
Then Jai and Carson find the motorcycle in the garage. They don helmets and pretend to rev and ride like the wind. I’m sure they just wanted to straddle something. Ted looks on with crazy eyes as they make vroom vroom sounds. They finish off with the “Charlie’s Angels move” which is tearing off their helmets and whipping their imaginary hair around. Charlie would have been proud.
Carson calls one of Laura’s friends to come over and give them all the true scoop. Friend Suzanne tells them all about Laura and her love for JoeU! and how she can’t wait to be the maid of honor and how JoeU! likes doing what he wants like softball and riding the motorcycle. What a catch.
The Sentimental Charm:
JoeU! kept the jury duty slip from when he met Laura because that’s where they met. In JAIL. No, no, no. Just kidding. They met at jury duty.
When Kyan asks why he’d be different this time around, JoeU! says, “Because I’m going to ask her to marry her.”
JoeU! says that he almost cried when he first saw the ring because he realized how much Laura deserved it. Awwww. He then tells Thom in the SUV that commitment is a big thing; Kyan tells him to work on getting all their friends together.
House and Home Shopping:
JoeU!’s future sisters-in-law meet him and Thom at the furniture store and they do some obligatory couch sitting while gossiping about Laura’s wants and needs and loves and dislikes. Thom wants him to love Laura and wants to float the furniture. Non-sequitur, no? They also look at rugs.
Sailing Lessons:
Because Kyan no longer is the grooming guru, but is the captain of the Mimi and Jai loves the motion of the ocean as opposed to being the culture vulture. What the? Okay, JoeU!’s friend appears and they all go sailing. Manual labor; Kyan eggs on, “That’s the way to get it up!” when JoeU! hoists a sail. That sounds dirty!
So why are they sailing again?
Clothes Shopping:
Carson takes JoeU! shopping in a store that has a car-décor to get a once-in-a-lifetime suit. He tells JoeU! to look at fabric and then cut. They find a type of wool with a 70’s cut.
JoeU! finds himself in a silver-gray suit with a crisp white button down and light colored tie. And who’s waiting for him to see his stylin’ suit but a bunch of men from his family and close group of friends. Carson then does what he does best; he hits on JoeU!’s dad, calling him a hottie, the highest compliment you could get from Carson.
PapaU asks, “What did you do to my baby?” Carson answers, “That’s for an after school special!” Heehee.
JoeU! then comes out in a darker suit with the same cut that they all like as well.
Bottoms Up:
Ted then pops up to get drunk on whiskey with the men of the JoeU! clan. Seriously. They all taste all kinds of whiskey and JoeU! decides to go with the Irish whiskey for tradition. How whiskey is traditionally involved in wedding proposals, I have no idea.
Then the men give JoeU! a ring bearer pillow that was made out of his mother’s wedding dress. Then his dad cries which makes me oh so gooshy inside.
The Shopping Aftermath:
JoeU!’s reaction to Thom’s house-make over? A quiet omigod. Thom thinks he doesn’t like it, but he loves it. Thom has floated the furniture so that the windows have room on the walls. The walls are green and beige and the sofas are beige. There’s also a brown leather chair.
Thom bought him a classy pool table that’s in an odd room. Then bought him a new dining set of dark wood, painted the walls taupe, and put down rugs.
Kyan gives JoeU! an exfoliating mask and scrub. Then offers him an engagement surprise—a sailboat called a sunfish. It’s about the size of a Matchbox car. So let me get this straight—the man now has a motorcycle AND a boat? Good for Mr. Non-commitment.
In the closet, we find Carson once again. HA, I crack myself up with my dramatic irony. He shows JoeU! the organizational system in the closet along with all the new clothes he bought for him.
Downstairs, Jai and the others are drinking champagne with David Beam, who will help plan the wedding. But right now, he and Jai are planning the proposal, which includes an intricate system of envelopes, jury duty slips, bouquets, work, elevators, family, confusion, and fun.
David the Wedding Planner teaches JoeU! to make a bouquet. JoeU! must later teach his friends how to do it so he needs to pay close attention. They need to make bouquets big enough to hide a face because they’ll be hiding behind them when Laura gets out of the elevator.
Then, they all drink some more champagne because wedding proposals are all about being extremely drunk, especially if you’re commitment phobic.
Hip Tip:
Use lemons for, well, any kind of household task you could think of. Thanks for the first tip of the season, Ted, which, by the way, was also a tip used last season. So already, we have recycled tips.
The Preparation:
The FF gather round the Critic Couch and Jai points out that JoeU! and Laura are technically on a Ross and Rachel.
JoeU! shaves and then exfoliates Kyan says he’s doing it backwards. Well, Kyan, you never told him how to do it in the first place.
JoeU! then writes a note on the jury slip, calling her down to the lobby.
He gets dressed in the dark simple suit that Carson calls a “prelude to the wedding.”
Laura’s parents arrive. Carson notes that they still seem to like him despite the whole motorcycle fiasco. First, they see the house and are really impressed with the new home. JoeU! asks Laura’s parents for permission to marry their daughter. They smile at him maniacally. Thom yells out at the screen that Now would be a good time to say something. Heehee. You tell em! Ted wonders why he didn’t serve the whiskey. Umm, because they all don’t need to be drunk right now, Ted. They say yes. Everyone hugs.
The FF wonder if Laura will say no. Carson says that no is a slow yes. Then they criticize JoeU! for making the parents let themselves out.
JoeU!’s future family and some friends arrive and he serves champagne. Finally, he brings out the whiskey as well and explains the plan. He asks for their help in making the bouquets, which the FF think is a key test to see which guy is gay. Heehee. The FF think flowers bring people together as they all work together. Then they all leave for Laura’s.
The Proposal:
The FF discuss how scary this whole thing is because she COULD say no. Umm, that’s not gonna happen.
Laura is such a cutiepie! She’s got brown, Rachel-shagged hair, and is wearing work clothes. She thinks she’s being filmed for a work documentary. Gullible—check!
They all go gaga over the messenger. Thom thinks it would be funny if she fell in love with him. Oh, that would go over well. The messenger dude gives her a red envelope, calling it a very important message for her. She opens it, reads the jury summons, and covers her mouth in surprise and glee. Some crying is already in the works here.
Downstairs, JoeU! is pacing up a storm and lickin’ his lips and you just know he has cotton mouth.
In the elevator, Laura’s biting her lip and holding back tears. When she steps out, she starts crying as the entire family, one by one, lowers their bouquets. Very cool. Thom, Jai, and Kyan are tearing up. Laura asks, “Where is he?!”
JoeU! emerges in his suit and they kiss and hug and he asks if she’s okay and she says yeah. Then EVERYONE starts crying. JoeU! can’t imagine going through life without her and he says he asked her dad and did everything the right way and drops down and asks her to marry him. He puts the ring on before she answers. Then she says of course and everyone cheers and Ted immediately picks up his champagne to swig away.
Everyone is smiling and crying and Laura is overwhelmed. Kids and parents and friends and everyone surround and hug. Laura keeps calling it all unbelievable. Lucky gal. Well, I guess she deserved it after the whole motorcycle thing.
JoeU! tells Laura’s dad, “She said yes!” and he beams. Then he says, “I got my fiancé!” and they leave in a fancy schmancy car.
Jai exclaims that they have to be involved in the wedding. They all toast to JoeU! and Laura.
Tips of the Week:
Carson says clean cuff links in Polident.
Kyan says eat roots to sail.
Thom says to wrap paint brushes in plastic and hold them in the freezer.
Ted says I have a drinking problem—well, that’s the subtext.
Jai says to go to marriage counseling before you’re even married.
So what will happen next with this whole wedding thing? It’s the first ever “to be continued” episode! Aren’t you on the edge of your seat? Color me blue from holding my breath! Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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