Starting Over 3, 10/27/05 – Action!by LauraBelle
These women have all been in the Starting Over house long enough now. It's time for them to get to it and get down to business. Time for some action!
Rhonda opens Group describing rubber bands and leads into a discussion about actions vs. reactions. Asked what actions got her here in the Starting Over house looking to start over, Christina says it was her stubbornness, getting her in deeper and deeper to the rabbit hole. The reaction she was looking for was for her parents to save her to show they cared for her. She was looking for love.
Lisa says she doesn't know what brought her here and when Rhonda starts naming items off, she acts a little shocked and eventually agrees. Her actions were taking her dad's money, thinking relationships didn't matter, and not being clear about saying yes or no. Rhonda believes this behavior is leading in Lisa regressing. She needs some more action.
And that's it. That is absolutely all that came out of the Group sessions today. I'm thinking editing must have hacked away at it some. As it left me saying, "Huh?"
Rhonda meets with Lisa outside of the Group and discusses what Lisa learned visiting the homeless shelter – her need for some discipline, structure and responsibility. Guess what she is going to work on today? And the perfect way for her to learn this will be to go to work for the day today. In her past, she has had a hard time not only getting, but also keeping jobs. Today she will don a uniform and work at "The Stand" restaurant. Her only previous restaurant experience was working as a hostess for about five minutes right out of college.
Making the rounds, Rhonda moves on to a one-on-one with Jessica, telling her it's time for her to talk about her mother in public. Just the word "public" makes Jessica feel sick. Today she will go to a Grief Group and discuss 9/11 and her mother to learn how to share how she feels about losing her mother. She is to use what she has learned so far, that she needs to tell them what she needs to, not just what she thinks they will be comfortable hearing. Her mom was the only person she felt comfortable sharing such things with, and Jessica now needs to create that space for herself elsewhere.
Getting ready to leave for the restaurant, Lisa says she is determined to do what it takes to gain her independence, yet laughs hysterically at the image of herself in the mirror wearing a uniform and hair net. Allison takes some pictures of Lisa and advises her just to pretend it's a modeling job to feel comfortable.
Watching Lisa, Jill says she thinks she buys into the rich girl fantasy and thinks it's cute. She asks Lisa if she is excited, and Lisa says it's not the first adjective that comes to her mind. Jill asks Lisa what her college degree was in, and Lisa explains it was in international affairs and nation studies. Jill tells her she never learned practical skills, then advises her not to wear her jewelry to the restaurant today as she'll have her hands in grease and lard.
Iyanla meets with Christina and asks about her time the day before spent learning about boundaries with Dr. Stan. She gives Christina a necklace with a bullseye on it to remember the order of the boundaries – self, family, friends, acquaintances and strangers. It is well-received, as Christina says she receives gifts so rarely.
That is how Christina wants to think about herself, but Iyanla produces from out of nowhere the brown paper-wrapped box that had been delivered to the house shortly after Christina first arrived, from a man that had been one of her customers. She admits she had probably given this man mixed messages as to what her boundaries are. She is asked to write him a letter to send back with the gift that protects her boundaries, yet also honors him. She is told to tell him she is willing to take further measures if he tries to contact her again.
Lisa appears to be driving around in circles as she is looking for the restaurant. While she does this, the owner and the supervisor at The Stand are standing outside, quite perturbed that she is late. She eventually arrives thirty to forty-five minutes late. Her supervisor shows her that she will be waitressing, bussing tables and also doing bathroom checks for cleanliness throughout the day. Lisa admits to feeling like a fish out of water.
After wiping clean the bathroom sink and mopping the floor, Lisa can't lift the big pan of potatoes to drain them. It's too heavy for her. Putting thousand island dressing into individual jars, she slops it all over the place. As her supervisor asks her how she thinks she could do it a little cleaner, Lisa suggests getting the strong guy nearby to help her. She is told she is a female and needs to figure it out on her own. Cleaning the bathroom once again, and being asked if she would consider this as a career, Lisa has to say no. She is told she's only been there two or three hours so far, and the shifts are usually eight to ten hours.
Rhonda comes into the restaurant to "place an order" and Lisa admits to being reprimanded a few times. As they sit down with Lisa's two bosses, they tell Rhonda they didn't start with a good first impression, being they had waited a long time for her. For kitchen help, they would not be able to hire her as she was physically unable to do it. Lisa says she feels very pathetic.
Lisa's employers are asked by Rhonda if they would give her a second chance. Her supervisor says she would as he customer service skills are excellent. She could tell she was a good person and liked people. She enjoyed being around the customers and that's number one with them. Lisa says she has been humbled, admitting to her entitlement issues of the past.
Jessica meets three women in the Grief Group and they all just happen to be dealing with 9/11 grief as well. One woman is a survivor, having been in the towers and was one of the last people out safely. She admits to being unable to get the images from her mind of that day. Her son was in an auto accident three months later and died, and that just seemed to add to what she was already going through.
The second woman she meets has a lot in common with Jessica. This woman's mother was on one of the flights that crashed into the towers as well. She says she was numb for the whole first year following. People tried to be supportive for her, but it was just overwhelming to them.
Jessica tells these other women her story. She explains she had been downtown when the planes crashed into the towers. Later when cell phone use became available deep into the city again, she was able to get ahold of her dad and realized then that her mom had been on one of the flights. She refers to her mom as extremely loving and nurturing, and says she was the center of the family.
Asked what her mom would say to her today, Jessica knows she would tell her that it is okay to cry. She thought all this time that being strong was the best way to honor her mom. She now has an overwhelming sense of calm for the first time talking about her mother. It's been a hard journey, but she now sees there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Without a doubt, she knows her mom would be proud of her today.
Lisa arrives home and tells Jill her back is killing her. She says she didn't mind waiting tables, but it was the kitchen help and the bathroom cleaning she didn't enjoy. Just as she is admiring Christina's bullseye necklace, Iyanla arrives. She asks Lisa what happened to her and Lisa explains her back hurts because she worked all day. Iyanla, with another bit of sound wisdom, tells her, "Join the human race – I've been workin' for forty years!"
Christina reads to Iyanla the letter she wrote to Doug, the man who sent her the package. She admits to being misleading in the past and asks for forgiveness. She requests no more contact from him. Iyanla calls it brilliant and tells her to mail the package back with the accompanying letter. Christina admits feeling empowered doing so.
Rhonda calls Lisa who is still complaining about her sore arms and back. Rhonda tells her she can't forget about her other responsibilities just because she worked today. Most people when they get home from work still have their other responsibilities to attend to. Lisa is told to go tend to the herb garden, offer Jill help in the kitchen and to do the dishes and clean up after dinner all alone. Once again, she is the kitchen help.
Christina, Jessica and Lisa all took some much needed action in the Starting Over House today. Christina finally set a boundary with a man, and best of all, felt empowered doing so. Jessica was finally able to talk openly about her mom and the wonderful person she was, not the horrible way she died. And Lisa not only was humbled learning how hard many out there need to work to make ends meet, she also learned she did have some marketable skills. She is extremely personable. Now she just needs to find a way to parlay that into a career. My guess is Rhonda is already hard at work on that.
Who do you think will be the first woman to graduate? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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