Starting Over 3, 10/26/05 "I Want To Live!!!"by LauraBelle
Everybody needs to be independent. There just has to be the right time and place. Lisa is forty one years old and has never been independent. It was easier to just stay under her parents' thumb all this time. But now, she finally seems to be tiring of living this way. Christina sought her independence too soon at sixteen. She's never finished her childhood. Allison has lived her life as an independent woman, but was dependent on her anger at the alcoholism and cancer that ran through her family. Once the cancer attacked her as well, there was no longer an escape.
First thing in the morning Allison is feeling guilty about mentioning the night before to Jessica that she thought they should all say a prayer for the 9/11 victims. This upset Jessica because it was the very thing she was trying to escape. Allison had misunderstood and was just trying to do the right thing.
Dr. Stan meets with Jessica to discuss the challenges she had with that exercise the night before. She talks of the misunderstanding with Allison and once again being pulled back to all the victims of that tragedy. Dr. Stan urges her to see she's never going to escape that. Her personal grief has nothing to do with all those people. It's about who her mother was as a person in her heart and her memories.
Jessica says no one ever asked about the type of person her mother was. Dr. Stan has to admit he, too, would pause for a moment on the tragedy, then would be able to move on. He advises her to tell people if it's okay with them, she would rather just discuss her mother.
Rhonda walks in the house looking for Lisa, and not finding her, is not very happy. They had had an appointment. She goes outside to wait for her in the driveway. This isn't good for Lisa after all her and Rhonda's recent talks about decision-making.
The security gate opens and Lisa pulls up and jumps out of the van. She asks Rhonda if she is in trouble, and apologizes for keeping Rhonda waiting. This is the very behavior that gets Lisa fired from her jobs. Rhonda asks if Lisa is supposed to be the responsible one, why is she asking if she is in trouble. Reminded that the whole house is on probation, Lis admits to not even calling Rhonda to say she would be late. She finally admits to not showing any responsibility and that she was wrong.
Dr. Stan finds Christina to discuss the relationship she has with her father. He and her mother divorced when Christina was eleven. Mostly the only things she remembers from before the divorce of life with her father was going on beach trips and vacations. She remembers no individual time spent with him. Asked for anything she remembers that would indicate values he taught her, Christina only remembers her father asking them to serve him all the time.
Noting it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship at all, Dr. Stan says this led to her also never learning to do that with men in her adult life. Many times the attention young girls seek and don't receive from their fathers, they receive elsewhere from another man. If they have a healthy relationship with their dads, the young girls usually aren't as likely to seek that elsewhere. Christina admits to having a memory of her father saying both she and her sister were going to grow up to be strippers. Father of the year here.
Dr. Stan tells Christina that if she were his daughter, he would have marched right into that strip club and taken her home. She admits in some ways she was hoping her own father would have done that. Dr. Stan believes they need to work on getting Christina's dad to be a better father. He says if you allow a father to be absent, you do yourself a disservice.
Rhonda asks Lisa if she is sure she is ready to give up her dependency and is assured she is. Lisa says she is currently dependent on her paarnets for car insurance, car repair, the apartment they bought for her, and an emergency credit card. Yet, she only wants to look towards them for company. She now is forced into feeling a like a pathetic person. Rhonda tells her she will be gathering items that are symbolic of her dependency and will hold a burial, complete with eulogy. She is asked to invite her accountability partner, Jill, along.
Dr. Stan opens Group asking the ladies if they like his lime-colored shirt. Told they all do, he says he wears it when he wants to get attention, which he notes has a lot to do with people's self esteem.
Asked what affects her need for attention, Christina says when she starts to get a feeling of more self worth. She then doesn't feel as though she needs as much attention. Allison says that's an easy question and knows her lack of self esteem drives her need for it. The way she looks for it is to search for validation which never works. Dr. Stan wonders why possible healthy attention doesn't feed Allison's self esteem.
Dr. Stan now asks what everyone has to do to let Allison know she is a valuable person. Through tears, she says she doesn't know. Attempting to connect this to her hidden anger, Dr. Stan asks Allison what if all the attention was valid and she believed it all? He suggests she's afraid if she had enough attention and didn't need it anymore she's afraid she'd lose it all. Maybe she created her own need for all this. Allison says now she feels humiliated, and is worried if she breaks this vicious cycle she'll disappear.
After Group Iyanla grabs Allison to discuss her anger. Now that the physical side of her is getting better and better, they can finally focus on these other issues. Allison is required to finish the sentence, "I feel most angry about ..." and adds a variety of different endings. "... growing up in an alcoholic family." "... never being good enough." "... no one giving me attention." "...having to deal with a disease (cancer)." "... I could die." "... I'm too young." "... I had to lose my womb." "... I wanted to have children." Apparently she's a little angrier than she's been showing.
Iyanla has Allison keep her eyes closed and leads her by the hands to standing inside a circle of punching bags, handing her a padded bat (better make it padded with all that hidden anger!). She is instructed to start shouting out the things she's angry about while she beats the bags. She whacks away at everything, screaming that she hates it all. She then screams out, "Why me?"
Allison is told to knock that anger down, because it's still standing. She continues to whack away with everything she has behind that bat. She suddenly shouts out, "I want to live!!! I want joy! I want to be loved! I choose to be well!!" Now that she has finally made her intentions so boldly, she is asked to just walk away, make that choice.
Walking away from that anger she has held inside so long, Allison is led to a "sacred place", recognized by us viewers as the room that Cheryl and Troy shared as their private space their night alone together. The bed is covered with rose petals. Iyanla tells Allison that if she chooses love, it will show up. You can't undo the past, but from hereon forward, you can choose. Just surrender to it. Allison lies back on the bed, and Iyanla covers her up with the comforter. Allison says she is glad she finally popped her bubble.
Rhonda, Lisa and Jill are walking through the park on the way to the burial. They come across a R.I.P sign for Lisa's dependency. Rhonda asks Lisa what it means to her to give that up. Lisa replies to choose her; choose life. She now recognizes that she was letting all those things be more important than her life. She digs a hole and calls it freedom. Lisa reads a prepared "eulogy" about it being time to live life on her terms.
Lisa cuts her credit card, saying she thought it gave her financial freedom, but it really just means dependence. She is also giving up all the "tips and bonuses" she earns for doing things for her parents. She is giving up her condo. When she is ready to sell hers, she will hand the money over to her parents. Her father bought her a '91 VW. She will no say no to insurance and repairs for it. Her parents gave her all of this and she wants to give it back. Lisa buries it and says it feels real good. Rhonda tells her the next step is to invite her parents to the Starting Over house to tell them all of this.
Dr. Stan meets up again with Christina and says usually fathers teach their daughters boundaries of appropriate relationships. He leads her over to a huge target laid out on the lawn. Christina is instructed to stand on the red circle in the middle, and Dr. Stan tells her that is commitment. There should only be room for one man inside that commitment circle with her.
Straddling over the red and green boundary, Dr. Stan says that's the boundary between being in a committed relationship. He asks if it's okay to kiss or make out outside that boundary. Christina replies it is, and he says but that's it. You shouldn't get fully naked physically or emotionally when there is no trust. It's important to know you're the only one sleeping with your partner and you shouldn't sleep with them until you're secure in that.
The father/daughter boundary lesson over, Christina lies in her bed writing in her journal. TJ pops her head in and wants to discuss what Christina did after Group to upset her. With TJ talking to someone else, Christina made a fake strangling motion outside her neck, making TJ think that Christina is trying to get back at her for the comment about not finishing high school. Christina refuses to talk about it and tells TJ that she isn't respecting her boundaries.
Lisa calls her mother and tells her that she is giving up her dependency on them. She wants them to come and visit her in the Starting Over house so they can discuss it. She is told that her father knows what he is doing to support her is wrong, but that he can't help. Lisa breaks down crying and says it's the same for her. She doesn't have the confidence to do it herself.
Over dinner, everyone is gathered by Christina. TJ chooses then to "make a statement to the house" and wants to talk about her earlier conversation with Christina. Jill asks her to wait for Christina, but TJ insists on forging ahead just as Christina walks in. Christina says she didn't feel TJ was coming to talk to her; she felt she was coming to attack her, and that is why she stopped listening. Everyone waits while Christina fixes a plate and sits down. TJ wants to finish the conversation, and is told by Christina that she had a really difficult day. TJ says she did as well. Christina says, if she wants her to be present and communicate with her, that's not right now.
I know we haven't heard that last of this one. As TJ learns better ways to communicate, it will be hard for her to know, still, exactly when to speak up and when not. With Christina she has spent her young life allowing herself to be used just to survive. She is not going to let TJ march all over her. I know Rhonda, Iyanla, and Dr. Stan will help them get it worked out, but it's going to be a tough road ahead! Proceed with caution!
Do you think TJ and Christina will get this worked out? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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