Starting Over 3, 10/25/05 – Just One Of The Pebblesby LauraBelle
You're going to get a little more than you bargained for with this recap. It's time for a little bit of my personal history as it ties in here. I sat in a crowded courtroom next to the parents of a shooting fatality and watched surviving victims testifying at the shooter's trial. On a rampage one night, he left two dead and sixteen injured. This trial happened two months after 9/11. I had never thought before this day how many people this national tragedy had affected.
The reasons why I hadn't noticed was because my family was living out our own tragedy. My sister had been one of the survivors of the shooting rampage. As I sat in the courtroom that day and watched all the surviving victims testify, I realized all the families that had been affected by this shooting. Then I thought back to 9/11. The people and families affected by that devastation must have been hundreds of thousands. I suddenly became overwhelmed by the thought. As I sat and watched Jessica's pebbles on Starting Over today, I realized she had lived through that same realization every day of her life for the past four years.
As the Board of Review ends with the whole house being on probation, the ladies are asked who they least get along with in the house. Jill says Lisa and vice versa; TJ says Allison and vice versa. Not so surprisingly, the women will now be paired up as "accountability partners." They will need to fight for each other now along with fighting for themselves and will need to help keep each other on track with their progress. Of course, Jill and Lisa will be paired and TJ and Allison will be paired, leaving Christina and Jessica as the final pair. As everyone follows Iyanla's instructions to take each others' hands and become a sisterhood, Allison and Jill silently cry.
Working on their accountability partnership, Lisa asks Jill what it is about her that makes it hard for others to get along with her. Jill believes it's because he holds onto the South Beach Party Girl "I don't give a [beep]" thing. She says people assume she doesn't care and isn't interested. Jill believes it's just so deep down in Llis it's difficult for her to pull it up.
Allison and TJ work on becoming accountability partners as well. Allison says she sees something in TJ but thinks her words betray her. With TJ's ADHD, Allison is just never sure whether TJ is saying something inappropriate because of her disability or whether it is just an excuse.
In the morning, TJ calls her husband, Rick, to tell him about the BOR. Through it all she feels like she's still missing something. Rick tells her she just has to tell herself she can do it. TJ knows it is imperative to work together and support each other.
Jill has a doctor's appointment to discuss the safety of her new exercise program. She discusses the problems she has had with fibroids and says she still has resulting swelling. Throughout, Jill has kept her uterus and ovaries, but it has been suggested to her to have her vein repaired. She hasn't done it yet because of a lack of medical insurance.
Rhonda tells Jessica it's time to embark on her third step, moving past the 9/11 tragedy. Rhonda shows her a pile of rocks and asks Jessica what she thinks looking at it. She has a hard time looking at it, because for her it looks like a pile of rubble. It's how her mom died and looks like an excavation pit. For her it represents all the people that died on 9/11 and makes her feel uncomfortable. I understand.
Not facing her grief is what stopped her in that grieving process. I understand that as well, but after awhile you have to stop the grieving when you just can't take any more. And on top of all her own grief, she's carrying everyone else's as well. The large stones will represent all those that died, and the small pebbles represent all those families.
Jessica picks a rock for her mom and a pebble to represent herself. She has picked those two because they look like hearts and because they look similar. When she says it still makes her feel uncomfortable, Rhonda wonders why since she's been doing it for four years. Rhonda believes to deal with her public tragedy and private loss Jessica is working and going about her life, keeping busy. That way she doesn't have to deal with the overwhelmingness of it.
Rhonda begins dumping more and more buckets of pebbles out asking her when it's going to be enough to cover the thousands of families affected. She urges Jessica to realize she can't keep sacrificing her life for theirs and carrying around all their grief. In order to handle her private loss, she has to be able to push away all those other people. Rhonda asks her to decorate a box and place her heart-shaped rocks in it. She will then share her private loss with her housemates.
Jessica tries to share all this with Christina, her accountability partner, but she doesn't think Christina knows how to support her. Jessica finds TJ for the support she needs. Jill and Lisa are working on forcing each other to accountability, though. Lisa tells Jill she's concerned for her if Jill doesn't quit smoking like the doctor suggested.
Jill moves on then to a meeting with Iyanla who tells her it's time to slip into the magnificence of her personality. Jill needs to find her authentic core of her being. Her authentic self is just that, never being disturbed by life. Jill is able to accept that at one time she was beautiful and a gift. Iyanla uncovers a mannequin and says it's the "Slim Trim Jill." Jill is asked to cover the mannequin with all her authentic attributes such as humor and joy.
Rhonda leads Group today and wants to discuss anger. She first asks Allison if she always wants to be this pleasant and happy all the time. Allison answers no and says anger to her is terrifying and she has to change it, because it must be her. She must be wrong, stupid, fat or worthless. Jessica says for her it's huge, as it's the emotion she is most uncomfortable with.
Asked what we all really think about angry people, the housemates name off qualities such as mean, self-centered and out-of-control. They all believe angry people are pretty much the worst acceptable type of person. Rhonda then asks why we would have permission to be angry if we put those type of labels on it, and asks what everyone does with that feeling of anger.
Allison says she withdraws, hides and turns inside herself. Lisa and Jessica say they just stuff it in. And with Lisa, it also comes out later in inappropriate ways. Rhonda explains it's not bad or good; just how we express it. Christina says she ends up hurting people's feelings.
Then women seem to be being baited as Rhonda asks when was the last time they were angry in the Starting Over house. Christina has no trouble offering up an example. She brings up again TJ's comment about her not finishing high school and implying Jessica was smarter since she had been to college. Christina feels she is very smart and intelligent. Rhonda says when we're angry we just need to get it out in a safe place. Anger is energy, and energy is power. We just need to be attentive to what it all means.
Over a lunch of grilled cheese, Lisa just can't seem to stop her mouth. First she asks Jessica about the package she received. Being shown the pictures from it, she inadvertently says "stepmom," forgetting that Jessica always refers to her as her "dad's wife." Lisa then tells Christina she picked up a piece of paper, and realizing it was Christina's exercise, she put it down again, remembering how upset Christina was when Lisa read her stuff before. She seems to want praise her for abstaining.
Christina explains the exercise was naming eight simple rules for eliminating the ghosts from her past. Jill thinks everyone could use those rules. Lisa then asks about the connection between the rules and Christina's hustling past, compares it to her own life once again, mentioning the meaning of prostitute. She just doesn't get it!
When Jessica wants to say goodbye to her rock and pebble inside her decorated box, she does so with TJ's help. The problem is she wants to do something for all those other people. She is having a hard time just leaving all that rubble there. As she says goodbye to her mother, she also includes a rose, her mother's favorite. TJ says she is very honored to share this painful experience with Jessica. That sounds odd, but I know TJ meant well.
Iyanla checks on Jill who is putting the finishing touches on her authentic tags, and suggests she give that baggage of hers a facelift. She tells Jill now who she is will create her baggage instead of who she's not. Jill is then instructed to dress the mannequin in the clothing from her baggage. Walking away and glancing at the mannequin already partially dressed, Iyanla says she's going to call the Fashion Police.
This exercise made Jill aware of how she covered up her good qualities with all that baggage. People see her issues, not her. Iyanla suggests with the baggage empty and retagged, it's time to lose it finally. Jill jumps up and hugs her life coach, then goes down to celebrate with the rest of her housemates.
Jessica talks with everyone about her decorated box that she wants to share with them. Allison, though well-intentioned, makes a major faux pas, not understanding. She suggests a moment of silence for the pile of rubble, but that's just the stuff Jessica is working so hard to forget.
Jill understands where Jessica was coming from, leaving Allison to feel guilty and responsible for all this. Christina is hurting knowing all this was going on with Jessica this day and she never talked to her about it. TJ and Jessica go off privately together once again. While it represents Ground Zero to most everyone else, it just can't represent that anymore to Jessica.
Jessica calls Rhonda once inside and explains what happened. Reality hit for her that she just can't erase everyone else's expectations that easy. Rhonda tells her it doesn't mean it's all going to be over in one exercise.
Allison finds Jessica and tells her she understands and they'll talk tomorrow. Jessica tries to say she's not at all uncomfortable around her, but Allison doesn't believe that at all. As she walks away, Allison says she tried to be honest and forthcoming and feels like the bad guy.
Don't blame yourself, Allison. You were doing what you thought was right. That sad truth of it all is that there are too many out there that know exactly how Jessica feels after 9/11. Jessica is just one of many family members, just like those pebbles.
What is it about this new group of ladies that seems so special? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
|
|
