Starting Over 3, 10/24/05 – Acting As Oneby LauraBelle
Previously I said there was something special about this group of Starting Over women that I just couldn't put my finger on. There is something about this group where they almost seemed hand-picked to be together for a certain reason. I think they seem to fit together so well, or purposefully, but Rhonda and Iyanla don't seem to think so. Or, maybe Rhonda and Iyanla just want the ladies to think they don't think so.
Rhonda arrives at the house early in the morning, and drags everyone out for a group exercise, telling them they need to learn communication, cooperation and teamwork. After being reminded that on the first day she and Iyanla told all the ladies that if one fails, they all fail, Rhonda is still met with no enthusiasm and little care. She leaves them with some supplies, a list of dimensions and an order to build a volleyball net together. They are to have it done by 4:00 and bring it to the tennis court. Before she leaves, Rhonda drops another bomb. There is a Board of Review later that night at 7:00 PM.
Jill asks what a volleyball net is supposed to look like, and when she doesn't get an appropriate answer she goes inside to research it on the computer. TJ says she's not surprised that Jill "volunteered" to go sit on the computer, but Jill feels never having built one before that she has nothing to contribute. Jessica suggests they break into two teams of three – one to build the net and another to build the frame. TJ notes there's no plan, but everyone is jumping right in.
Rhonda arrives and pulls Lisa away for a one-on-one. With Rhonda noting the color change in Lisa's face, Lisa says she's nervous and paranoid about the Board of Review and being graded. She tells Rhonda she challenged her view on the life and now Lisa believes she's making progress. She's worried about going to the Board of Review now and finding she still has it all wrong.
Talking once again about her lack of independence, Lisa tells Rhonda it's all built on silent contracts with her parents. She has a credit card she is allowed to use for whatever as long as she doesn't tell her mom what she's using it for and her dad secretly gives her cash often. Rhonda still thinks Lisa believes she is somehow responsible for keeping her parents alive, because if they were gone, she would be alone.
Rhonda asks what would happen if Lisa's parents died tomorrow. Lisa recognizes she would have to rely on herself. Rhonda says she would be homeless with no skills, and notes here the giddy way she mentions that she could be referred to as a prostitute, making light of it. Lisa says just like building the volleyball net, she would have to figure it out while she went along. Rhonda announces she is taking Lisa on a road trip today. If I were Lisa I would be very, very worried.
Iyanla has arrived to speak with Jill who is dutifully dragging her bags. Iyanla wants to start finding out what is in the bags. Opening the "Judgmental" bag she finds it's also filled with "Disrespectful." Iyanla thinks these feelings reside in Jill because she believes herself to be unworthy. Jill knows the reason behind all of it is because she felt unwanted by her father.
Jill remembers being in middle school and trying to call her father. She and her mother lived alone and she was beginning to feel like Cinderella. She tried so hard to reach him, but couldn't, never ever trying again. She felt shut off and felt that nobody would ever be there for her. Jill is also quite confused, though, as she hasn't thought of any of this in years. Iyanla believes it has come to the surface because Jill has set an intention to heal.
Iyanla thinks Jill's anger at her father triggers her unworthiness and shows up as her baggage. Jill admits not having a frame of reference for unconditional love from a man has left her without any serious relationships. Iyanla explains the men always leave because Jill thinks they can't be trusted, not because they can't be. Iyanla hands Jill two sock puppets and a small puppet theatre. Jill is to write questions she wants to ask her father, and later she and Iyanla will act it out with the puppets.
Rhonda brings Lisa to the Rescue Mission. The peoples there are all homeless, and the director tells Lisa that one third of these people have an addiction leading to their homeless state, one third have a mental illness and the last third simply suffered a loss of job, leaving them with no way to provide their own home. Rhonda tells Lisa she is like a homeless person at a shelter as someone else provides her care.
As Lisa is shown around the Rescue Mission she sees that most of the people look normal. Many are dressed fashionably and are quite young. It could be her some day. She is shown that this isn't the best life and the people have little to no choices. The beds are on a first come, first serve basis. They have a hygiene room where personal care products are handed out, and a small rack of clothing where they can choose clothing if they need it. Lisa says she thought she was coming there for a reality check, but now realizes it's already happened to her.
Christina and TJ are not getting along today. Christina says TJ's lack of focus is annoying, noting TJ keeps moving back and forth between the two teams. When Christina is struggling to determine a difference in size, TJ brings up the fact that Christina didn't graduate high school, and says that fact will always make her life harder. Christina says she was offended, but expects that from TJ. She could have been trying to connect, though, as TJ didn't graduate high school either, and probably feels her life has been harder because of that.
TJ tries to explain that just like the key, and just like the boat, this exercise is meant for deeper things than just the building of a volleyball net. Christina is still too irritated to listen.
Jill and Iyanla put on their puppet show and Jill is admitting to having moments of clarity for this first time in a long time. She asks her "dad" if it ever occurred to him that he had a child out there that needed his help. "Dad" tells her every single day, but he was too ashamed, guilty and scared to come forward. Jill asks him how he would feel if his father did that to him, saying she has been denying she even needed a father.
"Dad" asks Jill if she has ever been afraid. She says yes, and he follows up telling her he never contacted her because he assumed she was angry. As she cries, Jill tells "Dad" when she needed him, he wasn't there. "Dad" tells her the forgiveness she gives herself some day, she will be able to give to him. Jill knows the closer she gets to surrender, the closest she gets to forgiving herself.
As the women stand with their volleyball net at 4:00 on the tennis court, Rhonda can't believe Allison still doesn't get it. She is still recovering from her surgeries and is battling an infection on top of it, yet she doesn't excuse herself from this exercise to get some needed rest. She still isn't giving herself the self care she needs. TJ tells Rhonda she isn't happy with the end result of the volleyball net, but knows she didn't communicate what she wanted.
Preparing for the Board of Review, all are nervous. Christina and Jessica sit on the couch and compare notes about what the other ladies should be doing to get better. Somehow missing the point, I believe.
At the Board of Review the ladies are told that this is a unique situation for the Starting Over house. The whole house is up for review. They are not up individually, but as a whole. Rhonda and Iyanla note that between them there is no warmth or connection. Each of them is only there to get what they came there for.
Many raise their hands when asked how many have something to say to one of their housemates, but haven't. Christina brings up the comment TJ made earlier to her about her lack of education. TJ explains she was trying to be helpful. Iyanla has to ask how helpful it was to acknowledge her lack of education. TJ realizes it wasn't helpful, but says it was never her intention to make Christina feel bad.
Allison says she was frustrated today building the volleyball net. In a group of three, she had two of them taken away resulting in her feeling like she couldn't rest. She then says she needed to make others aware of her needs, and says it must be her fault. The other ladies are asked since they knew about Allison's self care, why did no one step in and tell her to go rest.
Turning to the issue of the life boat, it's brought up about Jessica crossing Lisa's name off the list. Christina says that that was about survival. She is asked, "Survival or Starting Over life boat?" Iyanla asks Lisa what she has said to the others for doing that to her. She replies she said nothing as she was angry. Allison is starting to see they do too much speaking at each other and not enough speaking to each other.
Christina wants to continue about the comments that have been said about her. She brings up Jill and Lisa talking about her in the garden and Jill specifically calling her "the stripper. Jill was saying this, though, to defend Christina to Lisa, asking what it always has to be about "the stripper."
Lisa says she likes tonight as they are finally speaking the truth. Jessica calls it a reality check, saying she feels Rhonda and Iyanla are trying to discredit what the housemates have created. Allison feels ashamed like they are getting in trouble.
Iyanla goes back to the life boat exercise and says there was on person on the boat with no supplies and other with the supplies yet not vehicle for survival. She asks Allison what happened in all that time she could have been putting her name on the list of final three. She says she wasn't the first in three in line, so thought she was just through.
Iyanla turns it back to a Board of Review, and asks in terms of becoming present in the moment, what are the housemates doing well. Lisa says she feels motivated. She has been making her bed, tending to the herb garden and participating in kitchen duties. She is learning from Allison and even cleaning the bathroom. Rhonda asks why she singled herself out. She says they are all having wonderful insights about themselves, but they are bringing nothing to the group. TJ only does more of the same, offering up the things she herself has done to change.
The house is told it's about being unloving, not about the actions they are taking. They are given a whole house grade of C, meaning the entire house is on probation. Perhaps Christina and Jessica should have been working on how to become better as a group instead of detailing what everyone else is doing wrong.
Still, I feel this group is together for a reason. Before they even finished their first day in the house they were sent to see how they worked as a team. Every single group assignment so far has been testing their teamwork. Last year's group all had daddy issues in the beginning. It's possible all of this group has trouble relating to others. By the time all is said and done, though, they are going to be one tight-knit group.
What is it about this new group of ladies that seems so special? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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