Starting Over 3, 10/21/05 – The Mysterious Strangerby LauraBelle
In her first couple weeks in the Starting Over house, TJ has been working on communication. Through a variety of reasons, she never learned how to do it properly, leading to her feeling very lonely. Today she puts some finishing touches on how to do it correctly with the help of her housemates.
But first thing in the morning three of the other women in the house have the same issue on their minds, and bold Lisa decides to bring it up. She asks Jill if she wants to have a baby. Jill responds that she used to until she found out she couldn't have children. Lisa says it's always scared her and now she feels like she may have missed the window of opportunity at the age of forty.
Allison is listening in on the conversation and feels conflicted. Since her hysterectomy she knows she could adopt, but without a uterus, still feels somehow that the feminine side of her is gone.
Iyanla arrives to start Group, and there is Jill dragging her baggage with her, which is interesting because yesterday she had set her baggage down again claiming to be done with it. Is she just playing a game with Iyanla knowing she'll get busted if she lets Iyanla know all this? Iyanla appears to be onto her as she makes special notice of the fact that Jill is carrying her baggage.
The topic of the day for Group with Iyanla is the power of words. She says we often speak from emotion, hurt or wound. Words that we hear creates an experience that we live. Iyanla asks the housemates what words were said to them as children that they still carry with them today.
Without hesitation Jill says she always heard "fat" and continues to live it today. Lisa says she always heard her mom call her "lazy", because she would sit in her room with her books and read and write. What did she want her do, watch TV? TJ is quit to answer "inappropriate."
Allison says she always heard that she was fake, which was painful. She would try to engage. She felt pretty on the outside and rotten on the inside. Iyanla asks her what she needed to hear, and Allison replies, "It's gonna be okay."
Noting that Allison has just recently admitted to a joyless childhood, Iyanla is giving her a very interesting assignment. She is going to meet and "have a conversation" with Riley, a five-month-old little girl. Allison is to say to Riley all the things she wishes had been said to her.
Allison admits to being nervous to meet with Riley and Lisa gets the wrong idea asking why she's nervous to hold a baby. Allison say she's not nervous about that, she's nervous about what to say to Riley. Privately, the only mother in the group, twenty-year-old Christina, says she feels sorry for Allison not being able to have babies.
While Allison is occupied with Riley, the other ladies will meet for lunch. Iyanla asks them to converse over lunch about words and how they support, defeat, inspire and limit.
In the kitchen Jill gets upset about all her sugar-free candy being gone and blames TJ. TJ claims to have no knowledge of the missing candy. Christina walks through and says it was her. Jill chases after her and says Christina will have to jog her skinny ass down to the Sav-A-Lot and buy more.
Dr. Stan arrives to speak with Allison. She tells him how she had a hard time with the body image talk the day before. She couldn't even look at the picture of herself without getting emotional. She only sees the physical reminders of her cancer. Dr. Stan notes she still sees herself as flawed and damaged.
Asked if she ever thought before having cancer of having a baby, Allison says she did. Again, though, the conversation returns to her body image as she says she has always felt like a big fat blob and that she always knew she would be fat. Dr. Stan notes that "always knew" are such negative words. He says that constant negativity is enough to change our eating habits and cell structure.
Allison admits to feeling ashamed of having cancer. Dr. Stan has to question this. He tells her it's completely irrational and that instead of being proud of fighting the cancer as boldly as she did, she is choosing shame. He notes if he was single, he wouldn't want to date a shamed woman. Dr. Stan tells her if she changes her words, her feelings will change.
Lisa is in the kitchen again and asking Jill to make banana crepes with the leftover bananas that are about to go bad. This can't be good for her Jenny Craig dietary plan. Rhonda walks in and sees Jill's bag in the living room and not anywhere near her, as Jill is still in the kitchen as Lisa is now saying she has gained five pounds since being at the Starting Over house and has to struggle to put her jeans on.
Rhonda meets TJ inside her box again and today wants to talk about integrity. TJ believes it's a value of hers. Rhonda notes that TJ says she has it, yet she speaks inappropriately and knows it, blaming it on her ADHD. Rhonda leaves TJ to write down her conflicts with integrity.
Allison visits Rag Tattoo, a children's store to buy a gift for baby Riley. Walking around inside the store she feels saddened she can't have children. She is still nervous about the conversation.
Rhonda rejoins TJ inside the box. The first word TJ wrote down was Core which she wishes were a state of grace. She has also written down honesty, but she and Rhonda decide it's not that big of an issue for her and she crosses it out. Other words she has written down are ego, fear and image. Rhonda notes that with image, if you are focusing on how you look to others, you are not being true to yourself. TJ opens a third window.
TJ's communication assignment for today will be that before she opens her mouth, she will have to answer yes to all of the followings questions. Is what I am about to say necessary? Is what I am about to say true? Is what I am about to say helpful? I what I am about to say kind?
Before she leaves, Rhonda calls the housemates together. She asks Jill if Iyanla changed her exercise and Rhonda didn't know it. When Jill answers no, Rhonda asks why she isn't carrying her bags. She says she walked through the living room a few times today and Jill hasn't been by her bags which are sitting in there. Jill says she was thinking of the whole house as one big room. Nice try, Jill. Rhonda isn't going to fall for that anymore than Iyanla would.
Rhonda says she is supposed to keep the bags on her at all times and not receive help. Asked if she was doing it all the way she should, how long would her independence last, Jill replies not long. She feels like she is being punished, and says she doesn't understand. She doesn't want to do anything when she has all that baggage. Rhonda has finally gotten Jill to the main point of the whole issue. She asks Jill how many times her baggage has stopped her. Rhonda advises her to carry her bags all over with her today and call Iyanla.
Allison arrives at Elizabeth House, a place for women in crisis. The women are allowed to bring their children with her. Linda is currently living their with her baby, Riley. Linda tells Allison that Riley has just turned five months old today.
Being left alone with Riley, Allison says she feels comfortable with her and now knows she doesn't need to be a biological mother. She says if Riley knows she is loved, she will be okay. Allison tells Riley her mommy is going to love her no matter what. She also advises the infant to just be herself. Feeding Riley, Allison tells her she is a good girl. When she gives her back to her mother, Riley cries.
The other women are at their required lunch out as Christina opens the "power of words" conversation by saying she thinks the words we tell ourselves are more powerful than the words others tell us. Lisa takes this opportunity to once again bring up the true meaning of the word "prostitute", saying she is so glad it doesn't just mean having sex for money. Maybe Christina wants to change her mind now about the power of others' words.
TJ works hard on her communication assignment, and having to answer yes to all four of her questions before opening her mouth, finds the right way to say to Jill that what she hears her saying is that she doesn't want to lose weight. Christina notes how hard TJ has to think to do this assignment.
A man approaches Christina at the table and asks if she is from Ohio. She replies she's not, but he continues saying she looks very familiar to him. Of course, what's on everyone's mind is that perhaps he knows her from her dancing, hustling or prostitute past. He eventually leaves, saying it's his mistake, and is seen outside talking on a cell phone.
TJ asks the obvious if the man is from Christina's past in Las Vegas. Christina is nervous, saying that very well could be the case. Lisa says when she was younger she used to hear that from men all the time, asking her if they knew her from somewhere. Christina gets up, obviously disturbed, and Lisa asks her why she is so angry, as Christina excuses herself to the bathroom. She is trying to start over, and bringing up her past again, it is now making her have thoughts it will always come back to haunt her.
Jill tries to talk about her baggage assignment and Lisa once again starts talking, this time telling Jill she has to be ready to do the work. TJ, checking her four questions list tells Lisa, "You're monopolizing the conversation, and it's overwhelming." Lisa stops and says, "Okay, point taken." By being careful to choose the appropriate words, TJ avoided any confrontation.
After lunch Jill calls Iyanla and tells her of the conversation with Rhonda. Iyanla says it's not about the bags, it's about Jill's baggage. When she sets them down to make her life easier, she is putting her life on hold. The bags represent her life, yet she hasn't once looked at what is on or in the bags. Iyanla tells Jill she is not being punished and notes how Jill has made herself a victim yet again.
Iyanla then arrives at the house to meet with Allison who tells her that she has learned a baby can give and recieve love as freely as anyone else. She knows she doesn't need to be a biological mom. She also knows that her mother and father loved her very much. Somewhere it was she herself that quit loving and receiving. She says she misses her father. He was funny and, when not raging, very gentle.
Touching on the same topic as Dr. Stan earlier, Iyanla asks what makes Allison rage. She answers cancer, meaning she is still blaming herself. Iyanla says she doesn't want her to think, feel, or say that. Until she frees herself from blame, Allison can't go forward.
TJ tells Allison about her communication assignment and notes how well it worked. At times, though, she admits to not feeling like kshe was contributing. She needs to control that anxiety, though, as she knows it's part of her ADHD. Yet, she also doesn't want to use that as a crutch.
Christina meets with Iyanla who asks how lunch went. Just as Christina begins to explains, the mysterious man from lunch, that thought he recognized her, walks in. Iyanla asks if Christina knows him or has seen him before. She admits to seeing him in the restaurant, and wondering if he was a stalker. She explains she was embarrassed at the table in front of the rest of the housemates.
Iyanla introduces the man to Christina as "Lou," and says he was a plant. She wants Christina to realize she has to be able to be someone different today than she was yesterday. Iyanla asks what Christina would do if she was out with her son and Lou came up and asked if she had given him a lap dance once. She replies, "This is not the appropriate time as I'm with my son. That was then; this is now." She needs to let him know she doesn't want to be associated with that anymore. Iyanla likes that Christina was able to establish boundaries while sitting next to Iyanla, but she wonders what would happen in the real world.
Rhonda holds an outside Group meeting that night. She asks how TJ's communication skills are coming along. Jill says she seems really focused now and Lisa says talking with TJ doesn't seem like work. All agree they feel much more connected to TJ now. Jessica says TJ's work has become helpful to her and now has a "Lessons From TJ" page in her journal. Christina does as well, and read her favorite item she wrote that for good communication there needs to be an even exchange of energies. All get out orange clappers and clap away at TJ's good progress.
Rhonda says TJ wasn't any less brilliant two weeks ago than she is today. It was just covered up before with all the useless junk. TJ is led over to her box of loneliness and is asked if she wants to tear it down. It's all up to her Rhonda urges. TJ starts ripping away at it, and Christina walks inside the box to help knock it down. After they have a Group hug.
There's something about this group of housemates compared to other seasons of Starting Over. I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but they seem to be very carefully handpicked and chosen to be here together for a bigger, more important reason. They compliment each other very well, more than ever before.
What is it about this new group of ladies that seems so special? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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