Starting Over 3, 10/19/05 – Survival Of The Fittestby LauraBelle
Sometimes you really have to hand it to these life coaches. They come up with some amazing assignments. The group assignment this day is really out there, and by the end of the day, not only is it clear cut what the intention was, it has surprising results.
Christina had such a hard night at the dinner party the night before that she is packing her bags to go home. TJ tells her she won't let her leave and will do whatever she has to to get her to stay. She says if Christina continues packing Bitch TJ is going to come out. The only person that makes her feel good, Christina says is TJ. If she only knew the way Jill stands up for her all the time when Lisa is verbally attacking her. Even though TJ is supposed to still be wearing her dark glasses and ear plugs, she takes them off so that she can communicate better with Christina. I don't know if Rhonda will ever see a tape of her doing that, but that's key to some of TJ's process I think, that need for clear communication.
A navy man arrives in the house with a message from Iyanla. Noting his good looks, Allison tells TJ who is again wearing her dark glasses and ear plugs that she is sorry she is blind today. The note says how they approach this assignment will determine their future in the house, and they are asked to go out by the pool.
The women are told their ship in life is sinking and they need to plead their case for why they deserve a seat on the life boat. The word "deserve" doesn't settle well with Jessica. Jill feels she deserves a seat so she can figure it all out and live a full and complete life. Jessica thinks she is deserving because she hasn't let herself live yet and she realizes now she is her biggest obstacle. Allison says she has been through cancer and almost died. She's not doing it again; she's going to be on the boat. With an odd thought is TJ saying she has attracted so many extraordinary human beings into her life; she deserves to feel what they bring to her life. Lisa feels as is her life is half over, and she hasn't participated. She wants to live. Christina feels she deserves a spot on the boat as she is really young and hasn't had a chance to live life the way she wants to, plus she has a child.
Iyanla pulls Christina away into a private meeting saying she's heard Christina has been talking about leaving. She explains she did her artistic presentation, explaining her journey. The other housemates and Dr. Stan didn't think she was being authentic. Iyanla suggests maybe that was just Christina's perception. She also suggests it will be a challenge to fully leave that lifestyle and commit to a different life until she has something to replace it. Asked when they last time people loved her simply for being herself, Christina replies never. Iyanla tells her love isn't in her way, it's simply helping her see her way needs to improve.
Christina says she is feeling she can't trust the process and the people in the house, and feels she was misled into coming to the Starting Over House. She tells Iyanla how pissed she was when she found Lisa reading her Dear John Doe letters the other day. Iyanla asks how Christina thinks she should speak Lisa about it and suggests she start with, "You pissed me off." Christina says even Allison has said she could make a lot of money in New Orleans. Iyanla hugs and cradles Christina, telling her she knows the bad feelings center around a part of her being scared and not thinking she is going to make it. It's all new – love, being nurtured, being healed, the truth. Part of her still wants to run home as she thinks she doesn't deserve to make it.
Everyone meets for Group with Iyanla who wants to talk about survival. Life is based on right now and there's a distinction between surviving and living. Surviving is something you have to do; living is for the future. It's about how you move from here to there and forgive the past. When you're under attack, you need to use every fear to grow courage.
Moving to the pool, the Navy man has returned and he has supplies to pass out to everyone. Lisa gets and life preserver jacket; Jill gets ... a bag! Christina gets a flashlight, Jessica water and Allison a phone. There is a large first aid kit that has to go on the boat as well, meaning there will only be room for five. The ladies need to decide who won't be on the boat and leave an updated passenger list in the bucket for Iyanla. They need to support each other as a group or fear will turn them against each other.
As Iyanla leaves Jill is quite upset she has been given a bag of all things as a supply. Everyone decides that as people they are all equal, so the decision of who to leave behind needs to come down to what supplies they will be carrying. Lisa is the obvious one left out as she's the one that has the life jacket that only one person could use. Lisa jumps into the small raft next to the boat, content with the decision. Yet Allison still smells conflict.
Rhonda pulls Jessica out of this for a one-on-one. She is asked if her dreams have gotten better after meeting with the dream interpreter the other day. Rhonda thinks out of the dream Jessica's pattern was discovered. Jessica and her mom used to have fights and Jessica would run off by herself to calm down and her mom would eventually come in to discuss the problem. Rhonda thinks she can't get out of the kitchen with her mom because she is still in some way waiting in her room for her mom to come get her.
Jessica's assignment will be to write a play of the last conversation between herself and her mom – not the last one they did have, but the one Jessica keeps wishing they had. Jessica will put on the play for the housemates tonight and will play the lead. Rhonda suggests she pick another roommate, perhaps Allison, to play her mom. Jessica doesn't want to do it, knowing it will hurt. Rhonda suggests it will hurt as her mother will finally be talking back.
Rhonda moves onto a one-on-one with TJ and tells her it's time to remove the dark glasses and ear plugs. Believing TJ has built an emotional box around herself, Rhonda puts her in a physical one out in the backyard. Asked how she feels sitting in this space, TJ says uncomfortable and willing. She also says she doesn't want to feel like that anymore. Leaving, Rhonda tells her to sit inside the box for the next couple of hours (hours?) ... (hours?) and write on the inside of the box all the things she feels.
Rhonda returns to TJ and her box after her hours are up. TJ says she's numb, because she doesn't want to feel her feelings. Rhonda enters TJ's box and reads a few things. Most telling, "I am sorry, Mommy" and "Come home, Daddy." TJ says this box is somewhat comforting as she's alone and not pissing anyone off. Yet she doesn't want to be alone.
To get out of the box, TJ must learn her first rule of communication, that is that it needs to be 50/50 participation. TJ tends to make all conversation refer back to herself, something learned in her constant vying for attention. It's the only way she has learned to connect.
Iyanla meets with the housemates and sees how they rationalize the sixth person by leaving them in the raft tied to the boat. The problem is they left all their supplies on the boat unattended. They have now lost them. Iyanla also informs the ladies that there is very bad weather in store and they will need to lighten the load on the boat. Now only three people will be allowed.
As the ladies sit and discuss who should be on the boat and who not, Jessica drops out saying she has an assignment to do. She leaves to write her play telling the others to have fun on their raft, believing the assignment is more important. The others come up with a list and leave it out in the kitchen.
Iyanla calls and says it's 6:08 and that by 6:10 the passenger list needs to be in the bucket. Jessica, now done with her assignment has a change of heart and says if it was important to Lisa to be on the boat, she would have guarded the list. She crosses Lisa's name off and adds her own, saying sticking up for herself is a new thing. The list now stands with the names Christina, Jill and Jessica.
Iyanla arrives at 6:10 and tells everyone that three of them will not be on the Starting Over life boat. She tells the three people left on the list that she has bad news for them. The boat is much different than they had thought and there is only room for one. They need to decide who will be the one person on the boat. She urges all to be down by the pool to find out what the Starting Over life boat really is. Lisa, ticked her name was taken off, leaves, saying it's between them. She's not even in this thing anymore. The others look dumbfounded, and she says maybe they should have thought of that before. She knows this is showing what people will do under pressure.
The chaos starts right here with everyone's life on the line. Christina knows she should be on the boat as she is the youngest and has a son. She runs in, steals the list and runs down to the pool. Allison decides she doesn't care; she's getting in. She runs down and jumps in the boat just as Christina runs down holding the list. TJ jumps in, hanging onto Allison and her boat. Iyanla asks what happened and Christina says, "She stole my boat!" Allison says she feels victory and that she is a survivor.
Iyanla explains the point of this was to offer each other support and work as a group. Yet, they fought, dropped out and isolated each other and themselves. To Christina she says survival skills surface when you need them. She has everything necessary to live. She only needs to find the vehicle to take her. Iyanla tells Allison she will have a fighting chance. Lisa says Jessica crossed her name off, and she feels that's dishonorable of her and naive of her. Iyanla says it's laziness, expecting others to safeguard her good.
All cleaned up after some had jumped in the pool with their clothes on, the housemates and Rhonda arrive at the theatre to watch Allison and Jessica put on the play of the last conversation between Jessica and her mother. Jessica has titled the play "Reconciliation." Allison is quite honored to play such an important role.
In the play Jessica is not wanting help from her mother, wanting to be an independent to prove she can do it on her own. Instead of running away and hiding and waiting for her mom to come to her, this time Jessica apologizes to her mom and says she's just overwhelmed with trying to be an adult. Jessica's mother tells her you're a part of me; I'm a part of you. All on stage and in the audience are crying. Christina sees this and knows she has to be there for her son now more than ever.
After, Jessica says Allison went off script and said words she knows her mother would have actually said. She truly feels loved at this moment. All gather on stage for a group hug. Allison believes she wasn't there on that stage tonight and that it truly was Jessica's mother. In fact she believes Jessica and her mother were the only two in the room.
Jessica may have missed the mark when working with the others on her survival today, but before she could survive she had to have this last conversation to be able to finally put her mom to rest. Allison was able to truly embody someone else's spirit, as for the first time in her life she has chosen herself and is no longer caught up only doing things for others. She survived in the boat choosing herself for the first time other than when cancer had her life on the line. Christina is simply surviving, the only thing she knows how to do, making us wonder how far she has traveled from the girl sniffing magnolias.
Who will prove to be a survivor? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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