Starting Over 3, 10/18/05 – It's All About The Processby LauraBelle
The Process. All the women are a little shocked at the process they are being put through so early. After just a few days in the house, their limits are already being tested. One of the women just isn't getting it, putting her in trouble with Iyanla, another hits an epiphany only to feel beleaguered later on, and another struggles just to figure out what it feels like to finish something.
The women are instructed to get up early and be ready to get dirty. They find they are to cultivate a garden overgrown with weeds and turn it into an herb garden. These directions are provided by Dr. Stan who wants the ladies to understand the process of starting over.
Some of the women are still carrying around their previous assignments. TJ is wearing her dark glasses and ear plugs, and Jill is carrying around her baggage. TJ asks Jill why she had her bags all spread around this morning, and not all with her. Jill portends that she was trying to make it seem like real baggage scattered all over. TJ doesn't seem very convinced, leading me to assume Iyanla will be even less so. At this moment Jill decides when they are done with their gardening, she is done with her baggage.
Iyanla calls Christine and says she has someone she would like her to meet She tells Christine to tell the others she'll be back later and to meet this person at a club. After she leaves, Lisa wonders if they're going to make her strip at the club. Jill is outraged and disgusted at this comment. Lisa asks if she's saying she's judgmental, and Jill says yes.
Jill tells Lisa she just doesn't understand why she keeps mentioning stripping. Maybe Christina went there for a job interview or something. It doesn't have to be for stripping. Lisa explains she thinks that because it's her "issue." Jill quickly corrects her, saying that's NOT her issue; her issue is the shame of stripping. Lisa says she was only explaining why she would say such a thing.
Christina meets at the club with author Karrine Steffens. She tells her a story about an abused little girl. At thirteen she was raped and by seventeen she was married to a man ten years older. At nineteen she gave birth to a son. She spent three or four years with her husband while he beat her until she finally left. To support herself and her son she knew she could always dance. She moved out to Los Angeles to work in the clubs and got into drugs and alcohol. For awhile she was homeless and lived in her car with her son. Today that girl is twenty-six. That girl is Karrine.
Christina sheds a tear or two and says that story is very familiar to her. She has a three-year-old son. Karrine says she just wanted to party and have fun, but in the process wasn't taking care of her son. Christina is agreeing with every word and says although she was never raped or homeless, she felt like she was. She is now feeling for the first time in her life that she is not alone.
Karrine tells Christina if she wants to be a woman of honor she has to learn the difference between living and surviving. She says people live; animals survive. Karrine urges Christina to start now and make sure all is honorable from hereon out. Privately to the cameras, Karrine says she can tell Christina is inspired, and she thinks Christina believes it will be easier than it is.
Driving back to the house, Christina is really feeling she can do this. In the kitchen back at the house Lisa starts grilling her about the assignment. Christina says she met her inspiration. Lisa asks how she was inspired, and Jill becomes uncomfortable knowing her earlier conversation with Lisa. Christina explains Karrine wrote a novel, and Lisa asks about what. Christina feels that Lisa is once again being nosy and not showing respect for her privacy.
Jill goes outside and looks for the garbage, asking TJ where it is. TJ explains it's out by the driveway. Jill says she didn't come her to carry baggage. Though she doesn't find the garbage, she simply just dumps all her bags out there. TJ knows Iyanla will be upset; you don't get to decide on your own when your assignment is over.
Before Iyanla can see the left baggage she meets with Christina about her assignment. Christina tells Iyanla she was inspired and reads from her journal saying she never had someone to look up to. Asked for similarities between her and Karrine, Christina names having a son and prostituting themselves.
Christina believes she hit rock bottom her last night as an escort. She worked with two other girls and entertained men one after another all night long. It sickened her and made her just want to go dance in Atlanta. But if she was still willing to dance, she evidently hadn't hit rock bottom at that point. Christina thinks that point of knowing she was never going to do that again came today meeting with Karrine. Hearing Christina likes to draw, Iyanla asks her to make a picture journal of her journey from sniffing magnolias to dancing on a pole. She urges Christina to remember that if you can't see it or speak it, it will never happen.
Seeing the baggage laying about near the driveway, Iyanla laughs. She walks in the house and asks for Jill, telling her she was very concerned for her. She shows Jill the baggage in the driveway and asks if she was mugged. Jill explains she decided she was done carrying baggage and threw it in the trash. Iyanla says, "Oh, YOU decided?" and asks why. The tone here tells us Jill is in for a rude awakening. Jill stumbles through the explanation saying she had been carrying it a long time and it was time to let it go.
Iyanla tells Jill she suspects it was too heavy and that Jill just didn't want to carry it anymore. She asks if this is how Jill lets go of stuff, by just throwing it out. She says she didn't see the trash can. You have to do better than that, Jill, to throw one over on Iyanla. She says she thought she was supposed to choose her way out. Yet, Iyanla points out, she never received a call telling her this. Jill tries to say she knew she'd see Iyanla today.
In full form now, Iyanla suggests to Jill this must mean her mother is going to be off her sofa in the next thirty days, then feigns shock that she hasn't even had a conversation with her mother. Iyanla suggests Jill is going to leave the Starting Over house and get the job of her dreams, paying her what she is worth, then feigns shock that Jill hasn't set that up yet. Iyanla's last "assumption" is that Jill must have a date with "hunka hunka burning love" in the next seventy-two hours, and feigns shock that that hasn't been set up nor has she released the weight she wants to. Yet, she put her baggage down.
Jill starts to sob and says she's not clear on what she is supposed to do. Iyanla says she should be carrying it until it's real clear that she will be putting it down. Asked when Jill is supposed to know that, Iyanla says when she stops lying and stops being resistant. She hasn't stopped doing those things; she simply didn't want to carry it around.
Iyanla discusses with Jill her history of self-sabotage. It's just another part of her baggage. Iyanla mentions Jill being a popular radio personality, yet still feeling she needed to steal shoes. Now she's in the Starting Over house, and has a life coach, yet makes a major decision on her own. That's the whole reason she has a life coach. Iyanla tells her to go pick up her bags.
Back inside the house Dr. Stan is having his first one-on-one meeting with Lisa. Asked for the differences between being a child and an adult, Lisa knows it has to do with taking responsibility. Dr. Stan asks about it all possibly meaning providing your own care, your own home, food, shelter and clothing, leading to Lisa talking about her parents buying her apartment for her.
Dr. Stan wonders if Lisa's parents buying her the apartment took away her incentive to do it on her own someday. She says her mother explained they were doing it because they figured Lisa's taste for the high life would have her out on the street someday. Dr. Stan explains in all fairness Lisa never demonstrated she could do it. Lisa says she always feels she wants to, but then it dies out and she never finishes. He believes there's not enough payoff for her to do it since others always do it for her. Lisa starts crying saying she doesn't like that about herself.
Along with the knowledge that people don't try because they're afraid to fail, Dr. Stan also passes along that success is in the attempt not the conclusion. Lisa admits she always gives up and doesn't know what a conclusion feels like. To give her the chance to find out, Dr. Stan is asking Lisa to host a dinner party for seven tonight, seven because Dr. Stan will be one of the dinner guests. Right away, Lisa asks if she can call a caterer. No go, Lisa. Dr. Stan says Lisa will shop and cook on her own. He tells her it doesn't have to be perfect, and the only way she can fail is by quitting.
Iyanla brings Jill over to the tennis court where there's an inflatable obstacle course set up. At three points she has the obstacles that Jill faces in her self-sabotage – Reactionary, Laziness and Incompletion. With Jill dragging her baggage and going through Reactionary, Iyanla notes that the way Jill has placed her baggage she'll have to step on top of it after she passes through. One symptom of being reactionary is not having a plan.
Going through Laziness, Iyanla explains to Jill it's a shortcut in order to not do the work. When you're in such a hurry to get to the end, you miss the process. About to go over Incompletion, Jill finds three of her bags already over the obstacle and Iyanla tells her, "It's called grace." Jill is allowed to have a little fun at the end sliding down the slide ... without her baggage.
Lisa has shopped without a list, and the guy at the meat counter suggested she make halibut. Now putting the finishing touches on her halibut dinner, she asks Allison to set the table for her, seeing as the guests will be there in ten minutes, and she still needs to get her dress on.
Jill and Iyanla arrive with Iyanla telling Jill's housemates about her incredible victory that day over her obstacles. She then tells Jill to put her self-sabotage bag away for the time-being and says in the midst of victory, life continues to challenge us. Iyanla now hands poor Jill a backpack with the words, "Overwhelm, Disobedience, Confusion." I don't think Jill will soon forget dumping her baggage in the driveway. Iyanla isn't going to let her.
Arriving to champagne and hors d'oeuvres, Dr. Stan says that it's clear Lisa has done the work. Lisa tells everyone over dinner for her this is just about going through the process. She doesn't care if they taste the food or not. Everyone assures her that it is delicious anyway.
Christina uses the time before dessert to show everyone her picture journey. Jessica knows she must be nervous, but she really thinks Christina shouldn't be smiling and laughing. Christina explains her whole journey and says she realized today she was done stripping. Allison wonders why it's not an option anymore, and Christina say she doesn't want to have to explain to her son what she does for a living. Dr. Stan asks if she would still be done if she didn't have a son, and she answers yes.
Everyone guesses these are just words she heard Karrine say that day as Christina tries to justify her thoughts by reading what she wrote down. Dr. Stan says he thinks she's still struggling with all this and believes intellectually she knows why she should stop, but he doesn't sense she truly understands the effects on her. Christina, feeling embattled, says that's why she is there. Jessica says she still feels Christina just wants to give good answers. Christina says she's nervous and just has problems telling what she feels.
Dr. Stan says he believes Christina is really frustrated feeling they don't understand her. She says everything is always not right or not good enough. She feels they want her to say she's not ready to quit. As the dinner party ends, Lisa is in the kitchen cleaning up and Jessica is telling her, "What a day," Christina cries in the bathroom saying she wants to go home.
If this day showed anything it was that there is much more work to be done. Chrstina, at twenty, doesn't see it yet, and thinks once she has the sudden epiphany it should all be wrapped up in a pretty bow. Lisa doesn't even realize yet that some of her process will be dealing with her inappropriateness. It's just another part of the immaturity, the feeling that you can say whatever comes to your mind and not seeing that it could potentially be hurting someone. And Jill, oh Jill. She's got one tough road ahead of her. She was going to have a hard enough process, and now she's gone and ticked Iyanla off. I think it will be quite awhile before she loses that baggage, similar to Jennifer last year and her necklace. It's going to be a tough, long road.
What do you think of housemates process so far? Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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