Interview With Megg of Starting Overby LauraBelle
Season Two of Starting Over seemed to end so suddenly. There were several women's lives who seemed to be somewhat hanging in the balance. This week Megg Berry checks in with Reality Shack to let us know about her time in the house and how well she's been doing since.
RS: Have you been on a commercial airline yet?
Megg: As part of my graduation gift I received three sessions with a specialist in fear of flying. I worked with him over the phone for two sessions and then had to fly to California to finish it up. I brought my good friend Bill with me and although I did it, it did not go well. Bill, bless his heart was great and kept me talking and breathing and made it possible for me to get through the experience with only a few mild panic attacks. Of course mild for me is the hyperventilating, tightening of my stomach and all my muscles and only a few tears. If Bill hadn’t been there though I wouldn’t have made on to the plane in the first place. So, needless to say there is a lot of work still to be done.
RS: Did your phobias ever impede your occupation as a travel agent?
Megg: The fear of flying didn’t really interfere with my ability to sell vacation packages because I knew that it was my fear and I didn’t put it on anyone else. Where the real disappointment came into play was when I would win free trips to wonderful places and couldn’t go. That hurt. It was a reminder that I didn’t have the freedom I longed for.
RS: You were tested early on in your time in the house, being locked up in small areas. Was there ever a time early on when you questioned staying?
Megg: When I went into the house I promised myself that no matter what they tossed at me I was going to go for it 100%. In fact I was looking for ways to get help without the house because I wasn’t willing to live in fear anymore. The fact that they brought me to the house was truly a gift. I was there to get my life back. I can’t say that I ever questioned staying but I remember often asking myself how I let my life get so out of hand. The intensity of the exercises constantly reminded me of how much I was missing in my life and it kept me going. Now, that’s not to say that I didn’t have thoughts of quitting the exercises. Every time they set me up I wanted to run, I wanted to tell them to back off, take hike, get a life that didn’t include me, to stop torturing me, and many other more colorful thoughts, but in my heart I knew there was no better way to do it and no better people to do it with, so, I clenched my jaw and my fists, put a smile on my face and simply said “OK”. After all, they were there for me and the best way for me to honor their commitment to me was to do the exercise with everything I could muster, which often seemed like barely enough.
RS: You were an early confidant of Tess, but seemed to quickly join ranks with the others. How would you sum up her time in the house?
Megg: Moving into a house where the relationships are already established is a tricky thing. My decision was to start fresh with each woman and develop my own relationships. I worked hard at not letting each housemate’s history with one another color my opinions of each person. It wasn’t as hard to do as I thought it would be because I was usually winding up for a panic attack or coming down from one which didn’t allow for much relaxed time in getting to know the others.
Tess was a great roommate and we did get along well. I never had an issue with living with her. I started to distance myself a bit from her when I saw that she never really talked about her marriage, which was her reason for being there, and when she did, it was always about how wonderful it was. It didn’t add up for me. On the day that I got into the back of that tiny airplane, I was so proud of myself and for the first time was really inspired by the possibility of healing, Tess tried to start an argument with me. It didn’t air, but trust me when I say that she was looking for the right button to push to set me off. All the housemates were present and holding their breathe as I suspect they knew what was happening since they had all seen it before with Tess. I tried to talk and reason with her, but her conversation was all over the place and I couldn’t really grasp what she was doing until she gave up by saying that I was obviously not willing to talk about the issue with her, turned away and started reading again, leaving me hanging in the middle of the conversation. Well, little did she know, that was the hot button for me and I was about to let her have it, then my mind came back to me and I heard myself think “Tess, I am not here for you, I’m here for me, and I am strong enough to walk away from this”. And that’s what I did. I got up, went to the kitchen and proceeded to eat a whole pizza. That was the moment I gave up on Tess.
I wouldn’t say that I joined ranks with the others as much as I now understood why they felt the way they did. I stopped sharing stuff with her and whenever possible didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable around her. I believe that is why we all had such strong sense of relief when she left. When Layne said she didn’t feel safe around Tess that is what she meant.
RS: Do you still feel a question of sexuality played a part in your phobias or do you just think of it as another thing that added to your confusion?
Megg: OK, now this is an interesting topic. My questioning my sexuality and my phobias I think are very much like the chicken and the egg question. While this was very difficult to discuss in the house I really wish they had done more with it. As it turns out I have received hundreds of emails from women in the same situation. First, let me be clear that I never thought I was gay, I like men and am attracted to them. (This point became very clear to me when the paramedics came to help Karen. Mmmm, now there were some fine lookin’ men….ah, but I digress)….. I was so afraid of a relationship with a man and so desperate to be loved I was open to anything and was willing to ask the tough questions about it. It was the time spent with Dr. Stan and Layne who kept me asking questions about it and having me continue to look that I learned so much about myself. I believe that the stronger I became in knowing who I was in the world the stronger I became in facing my fears, which now I see makes sense. I believe my phobias really represented my lack of confidence and self-esteem and the rest just fell into place.
RS: Do you believe Karen really was confused about your motives the night you comforted her or do you think she was using that as an excuse?
Megg: Is there a diplomatic way to answer this question? I’m not sure but I’ll try. Let’s start with one very important fact. The “kissing” incident happened in the kitchen in front of Allison, Vanessa, a camera crew and the kitchen wall cameras during the first week I was there. If there were any validity to it they would have shown it. Not to mention that Allison and Vanessa would have remembered it, which we all know they didn’t. OK, now the confusion part, well, can we just tell the truth here ... Karen was confused about everything, why would this be any different? This just happened to be far more interesting for the editing crew.
That night, that infamous night, she was in trouble and Layne and I did everything we could to help and protect her. She knew she was in trouble and I believe she reached for anything she could to take the focus off of her. To her credit she was quick to admit to Iyanla that she was using it as an excuse and I admire her for that. However no one mentioned it to me until Dr. Stan said something to me in the back of the taxi on the way to the airport, which needless to say took my mind off the upcoming flight for few minutes. Mostly though, I was hurt by that particular incident, I felt betrayed by some of the housemates that they didn’t come to me to clear it up. They assumed that it was true and that I was gay and that explained everything.
RS: You seemed to get a crash course (pardon the pun) in overcoming your phobias. Did it seem to you like it moved too quickly?
Megg: A resounding YES! Triggering the panic attacks became a daily event, sometimes two or three times in the same day. It got so ridiculous that the housemates started referring to them as “Megg’s regularly scheduled panic attacks”. Now, I’m glad I was able to find the humor in it. I think that that was part of what made it possible. What also helped me through it, which they didn’t show thankfully, is that I took many baths, swam in the pool almost everyday and ate a lot of chocolate ice-cream. I was definitely using my comfort tools. While at the time I just trusted them and the process, now when I watch the show and see what I went through I can honestly say that I don’t think a lesser person could have handled the pace they set for me. I believe they saw some inner strength with me and decided to access it. There is a part of me that wishes they had gone slower, dug deeper into the root of the fears, but on the other hand, I got in, got the job done and got to go home. I don’t regret anything and I don’t resent the pace in anyway, I just don’t know how they knew I was up for it.
RS: When you left on the road trip did you have any idea you would be going somewhere that would test your phobia? Walking into a hotel only to find you must board an elevator to take you to the fifty-first floor several times a day must have been devastating.
Megg: Devastating? To say the least. I knew we were headed to Vegas. The fact that Layne had received a note that looked just like a wedding invitation and that we were to go the Worlds largest thermometer gave it away (it’s a travel agent thing). So I knew I was in for some interesting times. The anxiety started the moment we started packing and didn’t end, really the whole time we were there. Now, during the road trip, I kept myself sane by telling myself that “hey, I’m in really good shape, if I have to, I’ll take the stairs, no big deal”. Well, it never occurred to me that we would be at the top of the building. I’m in good shape but not that good. When I heard them say “51st floor”, I almost passed out. That was new reaction for me. I knew I had to do it, but really, I didn’t know how, even with all the work we had done up until that point.
This was too much, I felt as though the line had finally been drawn. I rode the elevator 5 times that first night and had a nervous breakdown in the penthouse. (What better place to have a nervous breakdown though, right?). I cried all night, and I don’t mean I whimpered, I balled all night. I don’t really know how I survived it. The next day I was convinced that I would simply stay in the room for the next 5 days and take the stairs down to go home. Of course Dr. Stan and Iyanla being who they are worked that out with me and you know the rest of the story.
RS: You weren’t sure you were ready to graduate. What other progress were you hoping to see?
Megg: I wasn’t ready to graduate because I didn’t feel as though I had any confidence around the phobias, I mean, I knew I was doing stuff, but it was always with the very strong presence of Iyanla or Dr. Stan and I wanted to know that I could handle it alone. I wasn’t expecting to be “cured”, but I thought they’d take it further than that. Plus, the conversation about being sexually confused, being raped, being molested, and not to mention all the stuff around my physical appearance representing to the extent of which I was hiding out in my life. More to the point, I felt as though I had several open wounds that had not been tended to.
Now, all that said, I’m glad I left when I did. It has been an extremely difficult year for me, but I’ve come through it and I believe that because I did I have more confidence and inner strength than I ever believed was possible. I have relied heavily on a few very close friends at home, Layne and I talk almost every day and she has been a huge support for me. I was able to get much needed help from a therapist and little by little, one step and one breathe at a time, I’ve not only gotten through it, I am not the same person I was when I entered the house and I wouldn’t change a thing.
RS: You learned a lot from Iyanla and Dr. Stan on understanding your triggers. What did you learn from Rhonda and each of your housemates?
Megg: The time spent with Rhonda was limited to the time in the group sessions and I learned from everyone in that setting. Though from both Rhonda and Iyanla I really got to see that you can be beautiful, feminine and a force to be reckoned with in the world. I didn’t see that as a possibility before spending time with them. Dr. Stan really showed me that men were not all bad and that I really could find a great man. Really though, I was in a mild state of shock pretty much the whole time I was there, either preparing for a panic attack or coming down from one, and believe me, they take a lot out of you.
The time spent with the other housemates was really more social than therapeutic. We did get into some great conversations, but remember, I was the last one in and everyone was fairly cautious of me the first week because I was friends with Tess and they already had history with her. I was only in the house for a total of three weeks so the bonding was limited. I enjoyed everyone in the house, even Tess and Karen although I never got very close to either of them (and now we know why). Allison taught me what the cost is of not taking care yourself, Vanessa taught me that you can absolutely dream big, live big and take huge risks and live to tell the tale. Layne was the one that really talked about issues with me. She was the one that really worked with me to figure out the whole sexual confusion thing. She is the only one that I have stayed in touch with consistently and we continue to support each other in reaching our goals.
Unfortunately they never showed all the good times we had together, we played a lot of games, spent time out on in the lounge drinking wine and just “being”. I loved that part of my time there. The house was spectacular and there was something special in knowing that we were all there to better ourselves, regardless of the outcome for some, it was truly was a magical experience and for all the good and bad, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
RS: Thanks, Megg, for being so honest and forthcoming with your answers. We hope for you a long life spent without fear.
Megg is hard at work on a website. Keep up with her at Megg's Website She will also be the mistress of ceremony for a charity walk for Assistance Dogs. For more info see Power Paws Assistance Dogs
Catch my current recaps of The Amazing Race, The Biggest Loser, and Starting Over here at realityshack.com. Email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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