Christ’s Children Mutiny Against the Long-Tongued One: Gene Simmons’ Rock School Episode 5by Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
After the great talent show last week, the band returns to rehearsing. It’s all very loud. Mr. Simmons says it’s okay. Not great but not bad.
Gene finally reveals the ultimate goal to his students. He tells them that they will be opening for Motorhead. You all know Motorhead, right? You know, Lemmy, the guy with the bumpy face and big beard? Well somehow the classically trained kiddies know exactly who Motorhead is too although they claim to never listen to rock. How do they know, then? Hmmm? I’m analyzing way too much. Anyway, the kids start squirming and smiling as if they’re not sure if they’re happy or scared or both.
Cut to footage of Motorhead.
Mr. Simmons threatens that they better be good. He tells them that it’s a fifty/fifty shot that they’ll be crappy. The students want more encouragement instead of the crap comments. Gene says that he’s hard on them like a trainer. Umm, but you’re a teacher, Gene. It’s different.
Mr. S. takes them on a bus for a radio interview. He and Emperor Josh discuss girls and sex. Josh doesn’t want sex before marriage. Gene says that’s just fine but he’s making girls fall in love with him by being lead singer.
They all conduct a radio interview. Rods leads them into the studio. 104.9 X FM has a beautiful DJ, according to Gene Simmons, Female Expert. He turns the interview over to the band. Most of the interview is the DJ talking and the students saying “yeah” and “eh” and then saying that they’re nervous. Gene says that on stage, they’re wild animals. Then he suggests very subtly that the DJ sleep with him to get a backstage pass. She ends the interview by playing KISS.
Mr. S is disappointed and tells his students so. He says that they acted like little children instead of rock stars and they didn’t say anything. He basically berates them. Then Rods leads a mutiny. They say that he took over. He says he was filling in time. They tell him to go home. Rods says that it was their first interview and went well for them. No one agrees with Gene. Gene points out that he’s been in the business for thirty years. Rods says that they don’t need him. They tell him to go home and all storm off.
Gene interviews in the classroom that the kids know nothing and think they know everything. Umm, weren’t you the one who was creating little rock gods? What did you think would happen? You wanted them to be arrogant, remember? Ah, the old adage must mock him in his sleep: be careful what you wish for because it might come true. Then he sheepishly admits, “He got me, didn’t he?” HA!
Dee Snyder voices over that after five weeks, Gene has managed to alienate his class. Gene returns to Rods on hands and knees in shame. He tells Rods that he’s proud of him for standing up for his band.
The band still has tension between them and Gene. They continue to rehearse but at a very low energy level.
Gene teaches Josh how to use the beginning part of the song to scream things into the microphone until the verse starts. Basically, all the stage presence is starting to emerge. Until Josh gets the microphone cord wrapped around his arm and can’t get it off. Bagpuss plays and sings during the bridge while I’m so incredibly focused on Josh in the background trying to untangle himself. NOW THAT’S COMEDY!
Gene then makes up a song about Mr. White and Lucien as they paint a backdrop for the show. It’s a white background with red and black letters and splatters. It says The Class. And now, with that obviously unnecessary commentary, I am MOTO (Master of the Obvious).
Mr. White interviews that Mr. Simmons can be really nice and funny but is still very annoying.
Complete side-note: You know what’s really scary? These Emerald Nut commercials. Especially the one with the talking unicorn. They’re even freakier than Marty from Rock Star INXS.
Finally, the stylists get to work because The Class needs an image. Gene’s stylist, takes Frances and Fiona shopping while the band members fret about what the gals will bring back.
Mr. Cool wears a black leather had, a red tank, with a mesh black and fringed tank over it with black pants and black boots.
Camilla wears a black, red, and white outfit complete with head and wrist bands. She too has boots.
Dudders comes in with a wider head band, sunglasses, and a Union Jack sleeveless shirt.
Bagpuss has on tigerskin legs and a skull patterned dress.
Finally Josh comes in after a lag in time. They all think Josh is being difficult. He comes in wrapped in a cape and screams as he unfurls the cape.
Josh is wearing a black headband, a black sleeveless tee, a black cape, and green pants. Or are they tights? Pants? Tights? No clue. Anyway, he looks like a demented version of the Joker from Batman. Yes, the Joker is already demented and Emperor Josh looks even more so. Dudders points out that the pants are split as Josh jumps around and you can see his inner thigh. Less like rock-star-distressed-destroyed-I-rock-so-hard-that-my-own-clothes-tear-themselves-off-of-me. More like oh-shit-I-split-my-pants.
Gene thinks he’s sufficiently bizarre. Heeheeheee.
They all get to rockin in their new outfits. They actually sound more like a band now. I still don’t understand the lyrics but it sounds like a song.
Gene is truly touched by how they all rallied together to confront him. He thinks they’ve matured.
They all gather in a circle and hug. Awwwww.
Quotes of the Week:
Rods’ mutinous speech: “We don’t need you, honestly.”
Dudders on Josh’s outfit: “He keeps splittin’ his trousers, which is kinda crazy ‘cause you can see his leg.”
Post-mutiny Gene: “That little pisser, he just learned how to wipe his ass and now he’s telling me he doesn’t care what I think.”
Josh on Motorhead: “All I know is that they’re ancient, they all have mustaches, and they look weird.”
What exactly constitutes “sufficiently bizarre?” Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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