| Deputy Mary Is One Wild Thing: Gene Simmons' Rock School Episode 4 |
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| Posted on Sat 10 Sep 2005 (1163 reads) |
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-- Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl “A new rock band has been born! Yeah!” So yells Gene Simmons at his little almost-rock-gods. Dee Snyder reminds us that this week’s episode will thrust me back into the past and have me cringing at all the reasons I never ever never ever want to repeat junior high again as all the band members gang up on lead singer Emperor Josh. Just because the lead singer can’t sing doesn’t mean they should be upset with him. I’m just sayin. A la Tommy Lee a few weeks ago, Gene Simmons dons some school marching band gear and bangs a drum. Only his uniform is a leopard print toga much like the outfits Pebbles and Bam Bam wore on The Flintstones. Band practice. How does the newly formed band sound? In a word: Horrible. And to make matters worse, Gene needs to go to L. A. for a while. Yup, a good teacher always leaves his pupils when they need him most. When the band stops playing their “song” ( I guess it was a song but it sounded like lots of noise), Gene says, “That was crap.” Then he tells them that he’s leaving them for a while. Yup, good teaching strategy. The band support team will be in charge when Gene is gone. Rods is the manager. Mr. White and Lucien are the stage managers. Francis and FiFi, having quit their bitchin from last week, are the stylists. They have exactly one week to make it so that the band is no longer crap. Gene does not want to return to crap. When Gene leaves, Dudders comments that he wanted to smack Gene when he made the crap comment. Oh, Dudders. Such an arrogant little bastard. Mr. Cool tries to calm the tension by pointing out that if they suck, they’ll be remembered for sucking. Being remembered for messing up is not a good thing. So Mr. Simmons has a point. Meanwhile, Gene interviews that he’s not there to make friends. He’s there to tell people that they suck. Then he expects hugs when they no longer suck. Again, I learned that exact strategy in Foundations of Education. I’m sure of it. Gene is flying to Los Angeles to present an award at the American Music Awards. However, since he doesn’t want to go alone, he requests the company of one Deputy Mary, the mannish rule enforcer. He tells the deputy that she’d fit right in because she’s already rockin’—she has spiky hair and a cool bead necklace. She explains that the hair is for lack of a good hairdresser and the beads are “middle aged lady beads.” Then she blushes. Then Deputy Mary interviews that she does not want to be Number 4601 notch on the belt. I don’t think that’s what Gene has in mind. Despite her fears, she winds up going. And leaving the school and her job behind. Wow, Gene leads to corruption wherever he goes. Deputy Mary takes a tour of Gene’s mansion dressed in slacks, a black t-shirt, and sunglasses. Gene is very impressed that she can dress down and loves the sunglasses. He brings her into what she calls the office which is a room filled entirely with KISS memorabilia. He shows her KISS shoelaces and KISS condoms. She thinks that he should feel weird being surrounded by his own image. My, my, how she doesn’t know Gene at all. She then admits in a voice over that the house was not nearly as bad as she thought it was going to be. She says it’s not tasteless at all. More band practice. AKA Gang up on Josh time. However, they do have a reason. He doesn’t know the words to the verses and he can’t keep in time with the music. That’s a slight problem. Dudders says that Josh is holding back the band. He wants to smack Josh. Can we say anger management issues? Apparently, Dudders solves problems by smacking people. I want to smack him in the face. Anyway, then he backpedals and says that then again, he doesn’t want to smack Josh because Josh is trying really hard and just can’t seem to get it right. Mr. Cool thinks Mr. Simmons is the root of the problem. He thinks Mr. Simmons inflated Josh’s ego. Well, I wouldn’t say ego. I would say that maybe Josh needs more guidance than what he’s getting. Over in California, Gene and Deputy Mary pull up to the awards, which Mary thinks are very self-indulgent. Gene presents with Jenny McCarthy (who does a hilarious impression of a very drugged up Anna Nicole---HA!). Deputy Mary was bored by the ceremony and thinks rock stars are out of touch with reality. Cut to Gene interviewing that he thinks Deputy Mary, despite herself, likes him and is fascinated by his world. Perhaps Gene is a bad judge of character. Either that or once again his ego deludes him. Mr. Simmons calls Rods for an update and finds out about Mutiny at Christ Academy. Mr. S tells Rods that he’s the manager and should take care of the problem. Kinda like a prime minister. Miraculously, Rods does just that. This whole scene is so incredibly staged that I feel embarrassed and awkward watching. Rods yells at the band and reprimands them and tells them that they should play “Wild Thing.” Of course, Dudders knows it so he shows it to everyone. And then Rods helps Josh keep in time by pointing at him when it’s time for him to come in. Gene returns to his old, musty hotel room and then goes to Christ’s School for Tiny Classical Musicians. Rods tells him that they’re all great and they’ve all improved. Then they play Wild Thing for him. Gene laughs and slaps his knee and shakes Josh and points and laughs more and jumps. Then he crushes them by saying they still need work. Camilla is happy that Gene is back because when he wasn’t there, they all deluded themselves to think they were good. Camilla is like 40. Kinda like how I was as a child, as in not a child at all. Jeez, this show is like one big season of therapy for me. Mr. S then schools them all on stage presence. He tells them that they will have a warm up show for their parents and friends. A friendly audience. Bagpuss is scared of being judged and is convinced that the audience will not be friendly no matter who they are and thinks they’re all not ready to perform. They don’t even have costumes, dammit. Seriously, I think costumes are the least of their problems. Performance day. All the kids have the “I’m going to vomit” face on all day. Gene voices over that he wouldn’t let them on stage if they weren’t ready but of course he doesn’t tell them that. I mean, why motivate them? They gather round the stage and ask Gene about his first time. Performing. Music. You dirty minds. He says he was so excited that when he spit flames, he accidentally caught his hair on fire. Everyone loved it. He claims the only picture in the newspaper the next day was of him. The ONLY picture? Come on. There’s that delusional arrogance again. He finally gives a pep talk. He tells them to go ahead and make mistakes if they must. Have energy. Show time. Rods introduces THE CLASS! Only he says it all British-like as in THE CLAHHHHS. They play Wild Thing. Then the show gets very nostalgic and morphs the bandmembers on stage with footage of them playing their classical instruments of the past. Sigh. How far we’ve come. In the audience, Gene is having a blast, singing and clapping and cheering. He has a very wide, very genuine smile. At the end of the song, the crowd claps and cheers and whistles. Some even stand. Backstage, Mr. Simmons is giddy. He says he couldn’t control himself. The kids say that they heard him cheering. He says it was a great rock concert. Rods and everyone agree that Josh was amazing. Awww, no more beating up on the awkward kid. Gene agrees that Josh was as fearless as a midget dog. All the parents hug their children. They are all so proud. Quotes of the Week: Deputy Mary on why she’s not exactly Gene’s ideal date to the awards show: “I’m not tall. I’m not blonde. I’m not tarty.” Deputy Mary on California weather and Gene’s cultural faux paux: DM: “Almost as nice as England.” GS: “I thought Ireland.” DM “I’m Scottish, actually.” Gene’s final comment on The Class’ first performance: “God, I’m good.” Who wants to smack Dudders? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com |
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