| Geezer Gene and The Clap-A-Long Locals: Gene Simmons' Rock School Episode 3 |
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| Posted on Fri 02 Sep 2005 (1124 reads) |
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--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl We kick off VH1’s Rock Enroll Friday night with graphics of an apple, presumably for the teacher; however, this ain’t any ol’ apple. It’s a rockin apple complete with vines and snaky things. Up pops Gene Simmons who smugly says, “I’m the teacher.” Then up pops Tommy Lee who snorts, “And for one time only, I’m the student.” Sure, okay, buddy. You’re not even enrolled in the U of N and half the scenes in your show are staged. You should come to the college I teach at and see how far you get; Gene should come too. We need a little more kick ass attitude on the faculty senate. Dee Snyder reminds us that Gene has to choose the last two band members and will inevitably piss people off. Four weeks left until Motorhead, which the students still don’t know about. Keyboard auditions. Not much teaching and trying out is going on. There’s a whole lot of note passing and paper airplane throwing. Gene isn’t a disciplinarian and all the students are taking advantage. They find some of his classes boring, especially when he focuses on individuals (more on that later!) so they do their own thing which entails causing trouble and wreaking havoc. The student consensus is that Mr. Simmons’ teaching is a waste of time and he has no control. Nice. Poor Camilla still doesn’t like the whole idea of rock n roll but is trying desperately to find something good in it. She wants to be involved. Therefore, she plays something on the keyboards for Gene. It’s classical but it’s still awesome. Gene listens with raised eyebrows. I’m not quite sure what that means. He rubs his chin. That’s very teachery for “I’m intrigued with your talent.” Camilla voices over that it’s the worst she’s ever played and she skipped so many notes but she doesn’t care because Gene doesn’t seem to care. Instead, he thinks it’s all great. He asks the class if she looks like a rocker and they all say yes. Because what else can they say? It would be very un-British to say no. Next Mr. Cool plays some more mellow gold-type music on the keys. Gene listens and nods. Again, teachery. Mr. Cool voices over, as many of them have, that he wants to be in the band and doesn’t want to be one of those other behind-the-scenes people like the manager because only the people seen on stage get money. Sure, ask Billy Joel all about that. Have you seen his Behind The Music special? He was taken for zillions of dollars! Mr. Cool needs to rethink his plan there. Cut to Mr. Simmons cracking down on the tom foolery going on in his classroom. He confiscates a note from Francis and mockingly reads, “I love Dudders.” Francis gets all English on him and says, “Gene, it doesn’t say that!” Ooh, she called him Gene and not Mr. Simmons. How uncivilized! Is that allowed at Christ Academy or whatever the hell the school is called? Segue into the love connection between Francis and Dudders. They hold hands. They hug shoulders. They walk next to each other really closely. And they kiss, if you want to call it that. It’s more like rubbing lips together. They should get a room. Wait a minute—they’re twelve. They should stop doing that! Immediately! Wow, when did I become my mother? Moving on. Every week, Christ School holds a talent showcase for the locals. Up this week is Gene Simmons performing “I Wanna Rock N Roll All Night.” He makes all the old people clap along. One blonde woman has a goofy smile on her face. Some eighty year old silver haired lady is singing along! They all seem to dig it. They call it great fun yet different. Some people say that the music isn’t exactly their style but they appreciated the performance. Way to go, Gene. Winning fans across time and space. Then Gene returns to his lodgings, a sleepy country inn that he refers to as a deserted haunted house that lacks girls. He likes girls. So, logically, he goes to a strip club. Back at the dorms, the kids have a pillow fight and then mock their music teacher. They wear a black garbage bag on their heads as a wig. Heehee. One says, “I’ve had sex with lots of women!” Then Mr. Cool gets right up into the camera and says, “Sex, money, and Kiss…is EVERYTHING!” They are so going to get demerits. Onto the bass auditions. Gene explains that you have to play the bass like a weapon. You need to be aggressive. Playing just one note aggressively makes you a rock star. Mr. White explains that he wants to play bass because you stand out and blend in and it’s tricky and easy and close to percussion but it’s not drums. At least that’s what I got out of it. He plays for a while. Next up is Poor Camilla who really doesn’t want to play bass at all. She still does not want to rock. She complains that Gene didn’t show her any notes—he made her play only C over and over again. To her, that’s not music at all. Then Gene complains that no one can play bass. They don’t understand its intricacies like pitch and pick useage. Deputy Mary pops her head in and of course has complaints. She thinks the kids are bored. Mr. Simmons doesn’t engage the entire class all at once so the ones not being engaged have nothing to do but be bored. And pass notes and throw paper airplanes. She must have missed that part. To get the kids riled up for their band, Gene takes them to a KISS tribute band concert. Lucien likes the special effects like fire. Because he was Bevis in a former life. Deputy Mary doesn’t like the music. She guesses that’s because it was all KISS music. Ha! Score one for the deputy in the comedy department. Gene then takes the kids backstage for a lesson on how to act on stage. He points out to Josh that the lead singer takes control. Then he notes that the other members of the band, especially the bassist (could he mean himself?!?! Shocking) try to upstage the lead singer. Everyone should have a “look at me! Look at me!” attitude. Then Gene complains that his look alike in the band has a few extra pounds. Oh, you’re so vain; I bet you think this recap is about you. And now Gene calls the kids to the auditorium stage for the official band roster: Drums is Dudders. Guitar is Bagpuss. We knew this already. Keyboard is Mr. Cool. Gene then explains that the problem with bass is that no one can play it. So they will experiment. He chooses Poor Camilla who is shocked beyond all shockage. He says that if she can’t hack it, he’ll choose someone else. Poor Camilla doesn’t want to rock and is upset because other people wanted bass and now she has it. Lead front man is, of course, Emperor Josh. Mr. White feels like a leper because once Gene gets everyone on stage, he kind of forgets about the rest of them. FiFi and Francis leave the auditorium in a huff. They feed off each other and get very bitter. They swear that they are happy that their classmates got the jobs they got because they deserve them, but they don’t like Gene because he’s not telling them what they should do now that they didn’t make the band. Francis complains, “He didn’t handle the rest of us right and he should know how to because he’s like sixty years old!” Hahahahaha!!!! Love it! Mr. Simmons eventually realizes that the girls left. He and the band ponder why they left and don’t come up with a definitive answer. Lucien is also upset. Rods, Gospel Singer Extroadinaire, is upset as well. Gene says that the ones not picked simply don’t belong on stage. He’s not upset that they’re upset. Now onto the happy campers. Poor Camilla is sort of happy to have been chosen. Bagpuss is happy to have beaten out basically everyone in her school to be guitarist. Dudders says that Gene made a good choice with the drummer—him. Ugh, he’s so smug. And Emperor Josh is ecstatic because he’s a rocker at heart. Quotes of the Week: Gene on what you can learn from the KISS tribute band: “It isn’t just guys who need baths and play guitar.” Gene on those who don’t get hired for jobs when they audition: “Welcome to life on planet earth.” Francis on Gene: “He should know because he’s sixty years old.” Heee. I know I already said that but it lends itself to repeating because it’s just so damn funny. Are you upset that the gospel singer didn’t make the rock band? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com |
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