Soap Box Stew - Battle of the Network Reality Stars, Episode 3 by atarus
As the show starts, we are informed that today's competitions will be football, a soap box derby, and a relay race. Interesting!
As we start off with each team's little introduction, we first move to Team Coral, where Gervase says that he liked his old team, but he's on a new team now and that you have to roll with the punches. On Team Miz, Burton states it's obvious Light Blue is upset with them after what they did. Jonathan comes into their locker room and gives them some lip. Heidi says that if her team had been broken up, it'd suck, yeah, but to move on and let it go. On Light Blue, they draw their captain out of a hat again, and Jonathan gets his wish and gets to be team captain. Team Jonathan! *shudder* Mike Boogie (who, by the way, has the best confessionals this episode) says that their team is being led by Jack Nicholson from the Shining. On Team Chip, the Joe Schmo tells them that he's great at football, but they're having trouble believing him. He says he's confident in his football abilities, so we'll see.
Here's how this version of football works. Each team gets four offensive plays from the 15 yard line. A touchdown is worth 7 points, and a regular catch is worth 3. On defense, a sack is worth 1, an interception is worth 3. Pass interference is worth 3 for the other team, and interference in the end zone is worth 7 for the other team.
The battles are Team Miz vs. Team Jonathan and Team Chip vs. Team Coral. The first matchup between Miz and Jonathan is tough, but Team Miz wins on an interception on the last pass by Miz himself. On the sidelines, Mike Boogie starts yelling at David Daskal, the new team recruit for not following the play properly. David counters that he was open anyway, and the quarterback was the one that messed up. Boogie says in a confessional that he might be packing his bags now, and David is "messing with my money."
On Team Coral's sideline, an argument is brewing. Adam is all about winning the money and is diehard about having their strongest people play, but Evan is more about having fun and getting along. The disharmony affects their performance, as Team Chip annihilates Team Coral in their matchup, and Joe Schmo is the "MVP" of the game.
In the consolation round, Team Coral steps it up and beats Team Jonathan. In the main round, Team Chip starts it off right with Brian sacking Burton to get one point. A couple of misses are thrown, then on the third throw for Team Miz, Miz gets blocked in the end zone and interference is called, giving them 7 points. Then Matt "Joe Schmo" Gould catches a touchdown for 7 points to give the lead back to Team Chip. Burton nails Hatch in the chest for 3 points to give Team Miz the lead. It all depends on the last throw, and the Chipster himself throws a nice pass to Joe Schmo yet AGAIN, and Team Chip wins the event.
In post-football commentary, Coral states that "it's just that time of the month for Adam" in reference to his outburst. Hatch says that it's his first time playing football, and he did pretty good.
It's time for the soap box derby, and each team has 30 minutes to put together their racer. Melissa from Red says that she was called Melissa "Tool Time" Howard and is good at putting things together. Dr. Will of Green says that aside from his charisma, good looks, and intelligence, he can build a soap box like a freak. Will Wikle of Red says that putting their car together was like "eight cooks making the perfect soap box stew." On Team Jonathan, it's all about Jonathan as he elects himself to drive the soap box car. Chris says that it's all on Jonathan's shoulders, if he does well he's a hero. If not...well.....I guess they'll just rag on him some more.
First up is Gervase for Team Coral, with Evan pushing. Gervase flies down the course and gets 35.80 as his time. Burton is next for Team Miz, with Mike pushing him. Burton gets a time of 34.66, beating Gervase by one second. Jonathan is up with Mike Boogie pushing....and Jonathan tips the soap box over in the curve. Oooooh. Boogie, with another great line, states that while he doesn't want any harm to come to Jonathan, he was glad to see him upside-down on his head. Jonathan gets an abysmal time of around 45 seconds. Last up is Theo, who by listening to his team cheering and yelling to use his hands, gets a time of 34.42, beating Team Miz by .2 seconds! Team Chip wins again, and secures themself at least third place in this round of competition. Boogie sums up the soap box competition by saying that "seven year olds do better than Light Blue did."
Going into the final event, it's Team Chip - 200, Team Miz - 150, Team Coral - 100, Team Jonathan - 50.
Mike Boogie keeps the hits coming, as he and Brittany (America's Next Top Model) are the ones sidelined for the relay race, so he says that "Today is about how I'm going to score with my teammate Brittany, because I've given up on the other events." Coral says that her speech to her team is "if they don't win, I'm going to *expletive deleted* kill them!" Mike Boogie figures his sideline time with Brittany will be more productive than the race itself.
We take a break to have an interview with Jerri. Jerri says that she's not as intense as she was on Survivor, she's here to have fun. When asked about her mark on reality TV, Jerri says, plain and simple, "I'm the bitch of Survivor."
The race is on, and it starts off hard. Evan from Red, David from Light Blue, Bradford from Dark Blue, and Joe Schmo from Green are the startoff runners. David falls behind quickly. The second group is Nikki for Green, Mirna for Dark Blue, Jonathan for Light Blue, and Tina for Red. Mirna is an impressive runner and takes the lead, and for his part, Jonathan catches up and helps his team out. But Jerri gets handed the stick next and Light Blue falls off the pace with her. Miz and Dr. Will and Will Wikle all fly by her. Dark Blue takes a commanding lead, with seemingly Green and Red fighting for second. But in the last leg, Gervase gets the baton and smokes the track and nearly catches Burton, but Burton had too big a lead to start. Team Miz gets first, Team Coral gets second, Team Chip gets third, and poor Team Jonathan gets last.
Now it's time for the twist. The first two teams, Team Miz and Team Chip, are safe from elimination this week. This is cause for celebration. Team Coral and Team Jonathan, however, have to face off, recreating a famous challenge from the original Battle of the Network Stars: the 100 yard dash. Winner takes all, loser goes home. One on one, place your bets.
Gervase is obviously selected for Team Coral. Dr. Will says that "nobody in this competition is as fast as Gervase." On Team Jonathan, Jonathan wants to go, but the team selects Chris over him, even though Chris has a semi-bad foot. (Burn to Jonathan.) Dr. Will pats Chris on the back as he leaves, saying "You can definitely do this!" and then as soon as he's gone, turns to the camera and says "He has no chance in Hell."
The race itself is anticlimactic. As expected, Gervase smokes Chris, and the Light Blue team is entirely eliminated from the race. Mike Boogie says it's ironic that Gervase was their team captain yesterday, and now he sealed their fate and sent them home. Jerri whines with a smile, saying how it sucks since she just got there. And Jonathan....well, Jonathan is Jonathan as he whines about how the teams had uneven weights (???) and the show should have done something. He talks over Victoria, showing shades of his TAR persona, and Victoria gives up and walks away.
It's funny how after the first episode, I thought Light Blue would be the team to beat. But it's obvious that Team Miz's strategy in fracturing Light Blue worked, as they crumbled without Gervase and fell apart, all in one episode. It's true that a complete team is the best team, as right now Team Chip and Team Miz are dominating the competition, the only intact teams, aside from Team Miz having Heidi instead of Charla.
This has been great to watch for me so far. It is, however, leaving me with a hankering for a Big Brother 2 season DVD, because the commentary from Mike Boogie and Dr. Will has kept me in stitches the past three episodes. Hear that CBS? Big Brother 2, on DVD, so I can actually see it! STAT! Anyway, next week on THIS show, drama happens. *SHOCK!* I'll see you next week!
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