Primal Screams, Air Guitar, and The Debate Team Attacks: Gene Simmons' Rock School Episode 2-- Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
VH1 has Rock Enroll Fridays featuring Tommy Lee and Gene Simmons along with a slew of those countdown shows about the best and worst moments in music history complete with interviews from people like Tawny Kittan of Whitesnake video fame. Yeah, Rock Enroll. Because it’s about people in rock n roll but it has to do with enrollment in school. Get it? Don’t look at me. I didn’t make it up.
Having found a lead singer, Gene is looking for a drummer and a guitarist. Also, the kids realize that they need to earn their way into the band. Not everyone can be in it. And there’s only five weeks left.
Rock history is important. The kids all quiz each other on stuff like The Stones and Elvis. Meanwhile, Josh sings Bohemian Rhapsody to himself and dances to the music in his walkman. The kids look on quizzically while Gene sneaks by in the background with a satisfied smirk on his face. Rods fears Josh will get arrogant. Cut to Josh bragging that he was the Elvish outcast but now he’s Emperor Rock Star. Heeeheee!
This week’s lesson focuses on attitude mostly. The rock n roll attitude. He makes everyone scream. Together and individually. Dudders isn’t such a good screamer. Everyone else is pretty good. Josh lets out all his rage and Elvish anger.
Then there’s air guitar, jumping, and dancing for all. Some of them squirm around on the floor. FiFi does some headbanging. Wow, in addition to the cloaks and collars, they’re all wearing yellow socks. That’s so unfortunate. Then he makes them all sing “Born To Be Wild.”
Poor Camilla is the new kid on the block. She’s trying to let go and find some sense in all of it. Gene interviews that he wants Camilla to “snap out of it.”
This week Gene Simmons takes Christ on in a new way. Enter the debate team. He’s facing adversity from the House. The House thinks that rock is evil. That’s obligatory. Rock has no place in Christ Hospital Boarding School according to some students. Oh, they’re just jealous because they don’t get to have cool nicknames or plaster posters all over their classrooms. Oh, no, wait. They’re serious. I seriously didn’t think people like this existed. Not anymore. Yet here it is. Rock n roll is still not welcome in some parts of the world. Gene Simmons should bite off the head of a chicken or something right in the middle of their House.
Gene thinks rock n roll is modern folk music. They tell him that it’s not all about money and sex and it’s all inappropriate. Gene sits in the middle of the meeting in his black leather trench coat and black sunglasses, taking it all in. You can tell that he’s heard it all before. You can tell that he doesn’t give a shit. You can tell that he lives and breathes rock n roll.
They also object to Gene’s reputation of being, how shall I put it, a “ladies’ man.” Gene objects to their accusations of his “claiming” that he slept with so many women, meaning that it’s not alleged; it’s the truth. Cute. The students at least laugh at that.
The motion is defeated, whatever it was. Bagpuss is upset with Gene’s arrogance. Dudders is upset by Gene’s sexual reputation. Gene then interviews how people complain about his ideas of sex and music. He says that translates to people simply wanting to be him. Ah, the green eyed monster.
Gene then attends choir practice. Deputy Mary is anxious because she thinks he’ll do something sacrilege. Now she’s got it! In the chapel, Gene offers his rendition of “God Gave Rock N Roll To You” to the choir. Wow, listen to that echo. This sounds so friggin awesome! One of the students says it was great practice because he did something fun. They all clap. Rods likes that he got a big applause. Deputy Mary calls it moving and thinks Gene was touched by it and she’s happy he respected their traditions.
But then Deputy Mary goes back to being dowdy. She accuses Gene of undoing all that they’ve made the children to be. Because they’re late to class and stuff. She’s worried about Josh not being able to go back to being normal once Gene is gone because he throws himself wholeheartedly into everything he does. Cut to Josh speaking a mile a minute and singing along to his headphones once again. Emperor Josh is ecstatic because Gene is teaching them all to jump off of chairs and scream. Josh gushes, “That’s what rock’s about!” Jeez, you’ve got to love him! But was what he was before Gene “normal?”
Next up is search for the drummer. Gene tells Camilla to attack the drums. Because in rock, you don’t play an instrument, you kill it apparently. She attacks and sticks her tongue out too. I think that shell is cracking nicely. Then everyone else attacks the drums as well. Then he asks for snare and kick drum patterns. Mr. White/Richard thinks he’s got it down because he plays drums. He also can’t play anything else so he wants to be the drummer.
Dudders is also awesome on drums. He’s also leading contender on guitar. Jeez, he’s good! Then he goes on to list all the instruments he can play. “Everything, really.” Then Gene tells them that he invented the Devil’s Ears hand symbol that everyone does at every rock concert (you know, the pointer and pinkie extended and everything else closed—that’s hard to explain but you should know what I mean). He says that it comes from how you hold a guitar. I’m not quite sure he invented it but okay, he’s arrogant. We’ll let it slide.
Bagpuss/Jesse is lead contender for Dudders on guitar. Gene makes her headbang. She and Dudders have been friends since Day 1 but they might not be by the end of this. It’s getting ugly! Jesse then asks when they’ll know if they’ll be in the band. So Gene, of course, refuses to tell them.
Gene has a “Dudley Dilemma.” He thinks that Dudders has a rock n roll feel on both drums and guitar. He attacks drums and rolls around on the floor with the guitar. He’s fearless. So whatever instrument he plays will be great and the other instrument will suffer slightly. Oh, Gene. You’ll figure it out as all good teachers do.
In the classroom, he calls Dudders up to the front of the room and hands him drumsticks. They all cheer and Dudders drums on the desks back to his seat.
Gene then says that guitarists are usually guys but do they care about that? He calls Bagpuss up to be the guitarist. Gene asks if she’s ready to handle the guitar like a weapon and if she can be a rock star. She says yes so she’s the guitar player. Mr. White is disappointed because he wanted drums. Dudders is happy because he got exactly what he wanted. Wow, he’s a little snot. But then again, Gene wants them to be arrogant.
Quotes of the Week:
Josh: “I love primal screaming.”
Gene during House debate: “I feel that my character has been attacked. I resent the fact that I ‘claim’ that I’ve slept with over 4000 women.”
Gene on his skills as a teacher: “I’m stunningly good. I’m brilliant.”
Does Bagpuss sound dirty or is it just me? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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