KISS Meets Christ: Gene Simmons' Rock School Episode 1
--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
Gene Simmons. You know, the guy with the tongue. He’s rocked for decades with KISS. He’s slept with over 4,000 women. He played a disc jockey in that really bad 80s movie with Skippy from “Family Ties.” He wore face paint. He took off the face paint. Then he wore face paint again. Some Hollywood geniuses even made that movie, “Detroit Rock City,” as an homage to KISS. So what’s the next logical step for this rock god?
Become a music teacher to classically trained kids at a British prep school. Of course! Welcome to Gene Simmons’ Rock School. Oh, yeah!
And what’s more—Dee Snyder is narrating via voiceover.
So Christ’s Hospital boarding school somehow got roped into letting Gene Simmons teach rock n roll to one class of students. These students all wear long black gowns with white bibs—it’s all very Harry Potter-like. The Deputy Head is Mary, a woman who has never heard of KISS and is in charge of making sure Gene follows the standards of the school. Hahahahahaha. She also looks a tad bit mannish. And she’s very proper. Oh, those Brits.
The bunch of students is interviewed. They all say they like classical music. They don’t listen to rock music. It’s not their thing. They don’t want to be rock stars. Meanwhile, Gene Simmons is making his way to the school in a limo with a blonde chick groping him on either side. When he gets to the school, he meets Deputy Mary by walking through the middle of the marching band on the lawn. Deputy Mary ain’t happy. Gene is oblivious that he’s done something wrong. But is it really wrong to walk through a marching band? It’s not as if he spit on them or anything.
Don’t be fooled. Gene can teach. He was a proud employee of the New York City public school system. For like a day. Shout out to my friends and family who are NYC teachers!! Yup, you can see Gene looking very teacher like in that quick black and white photo. Cut to Gene spitting blood in full KISS make-up in an array of concert clips. Imagine if Deputy Mary saw that happening in the classroom! Ha!
Gene’s classroom door is labeled “Mr. Simmons.” How cute. And his students anxiously await their new teacher. They sit quietly at their desks. Enter Gene. He literally jumps into the room, screaming OH YEAH!!!! Basically, he scares the crap out of them, especially one little blonde girl sitting up front. Awww. Poor lass. Lass is British, right?
As we see him start teaching, the students interview in voiceovers that they don't like Mr. Simmons. At all. Heeheeheee.
Gene has all the kids play their instruments. They all do. They’re all fantastic. Gene looks on and nods with a small smile on his face. You can tell that even though it’s all classical music, he’s loving it. How can you not? They’re all little musical geniuses. Plus, I think he gets a kick out of being in the classroom. He says he’s always wondered if he could have cut it as a teacher and now this is his chance to see.
Then he makes them all sing. They get to Rodney who belts out Amazing Grace like no one’s business. He interviews that he loves to sing. He’s in gospel choir.
Then they get to Josh. There’s already some smirks and snickers as soon as he stands up. Then he sings some British fight song or something. He belts it out but not in that musical way—it’s more in that shouting, drunken sailor way. That Dudley boy is laughing. Many of them are giggling. Josh keeps singing though.
Gene interviews that he noticed the snickering. He realized that Josh doesn’t really fit in with the others as a group. Cut to some of the students interviewing how Josh doesn’t really fit in because he does all this weird stuff. Cut to Josh introducing himself and then speaking Elvish. Then he says smoasdth ointoh weoinf wqpuef (I’m paraphrasing) which means “the sun shines on the hour of our meeting” or something to that effect. Okay, so his classmates have a point.
Gene decides they all need stage names, like Sting or The Edge. He gives this passionate speech about wanting to envision their new names in lights and then points at Josh. Josh says, “I’ll have to think about that one for a bit.” Heeheehee. I love this kid. What a way to ruin the passionate build-up. Gene smirks. He loves this kid too. And then the kids choose names, but for some reason, not all of them do. I guess Gene doesn’t feel like forcing them to. They are:
Jesse: Rock name Bagpuss. She plays guitar and sings.
Kwame: Rock name Mr. Cool. He plays piano and sings.
Dudley: Rock name Dudders. Which I think is just a normal nickname. He plays French horn and the organ as well as any instrument you put in his hands. Over achiever. I don’t like the looks of this kid. He’s smarmy.
Rodney: Rock name Rods. He sings. He’s a really really really good singer. He’s the best singer.
Fiona: Rock name Fi Fi. She plays violin and is terrified of Gene Simmons. She thinks he’s very “in your face.” Probably because he practically chokes her. Seriously. Not to kill her but to show her attitude.
Richard: Rock name Mr. White. He plays drums.
Frances: Rock name Francis. She plays a bunch of recorders and the violin.
Lucian: Rock name Lucian. He sings.
Camilla: Rock name Camilla. She doesn’t like Gene all that much at first. She’s scared, but not as terrified as Fiona. She plays violin, viola, and piano, and she sings.
Josh: Rock name Emperor. Gene absolutely loves this name and so do I. He plays trumpet and sings in choir.
All these kids are incredibly talented. Much more talented in music than I’ll ever be. However, Gene tells them that playing an instrument well has nothing to do with rock music. You can be really crappy and still have success. So the title of this lesson would be “How To Suck and Still Succeed”?
Mr. Simmons decides that the kids need to decorate the classroom. He’s so right. The classroom is slate gray. Like a prison. So he gives them a bunch of posters and they hang them all over the room. There’s even a KISS poster and I’m not quite sure the kids know that it’s him in the picture.
Now Gene gets all teachery and makes them analyze a poster of Angus from AC/DC. They all agree that he has a unique look. Then Gene makes Josh imitate Angus’ face. You can so hear a smile in Gene’s voice as he tells Josh to do it again, into the camera. Josh sneers into the camera. Heehee.
Then Gene points out the KISS poster and asks what they think. One of the kids, I think Rodney, says that each of the band members is an individual. Oh, here comes the lesson on individuality. Gene goes into how all rock stars are unique. He’s telling this to a classroom full of kids wearing uniforms. I love this man. This is why Josh is going to be the star of the show. He’s already an outcast. And, as Gene has pointed out, the greatest rock stories are those of former outcasts.
Homework time! Gene gives them all Discmans and CDs to listen to with some of the greatest rock songs on them. Nice. They get to have Gene Simmons as a teacher AND they get free electronics. No fair!
Deputy Mary is on the prowl. She interviews that teachers normally plan their lessons and she can see no evidence that Gene has done so. Heehee. Evidence, schmevidence. He’s doing an awesome job so far. He says jump. They say how high. It’s all very conformist in a rock n roll sort of way. When she enters the classroom, Gene is in the middle of jumping up and down, literally. Have I mentioned he’s wearing jeans and a long sleeved black shirt? So not the proper attire.
Completely ignoring Deputy Mary’s discontent, Gene takes the kids into the auditorium to do some more singing. And what better song to sing than KISS’s “God Gave Rock N Roll To You.” I personally think they should’ve sung “Let’s Put The X In Sex” or “Plaster Caster” but that’s just my opinion. Some of them sing okay. Some of them sing not okay. Josh gets up on stage and sings every other word off-key and not with the beat. However, he’s doing the Angus snarl and jumping around the stage with the mic. Gene plays away on the guitar, smirking and smiling. He needs to find a lead singer. Meanwhile, Deputy Mary is watching over them all with a half-frown on her face.
Mr. Simmons gathers the students around to reveal his decision. He asks them who they think would be a good lead singer and they all, not surprisingly, choose Rods, king of gospel choir. Gene says that Rods is probably the best singer among them all but rock n roll isn’t about being the best singer. It’s about attitude. With that, he chooses Emperor Josh as the lead. They all pat him on the back. Cut to several interviews with his classmates claiming that the band is now doomed with Josh as their front man. Aw, I miss junior high.
Meanwhile, Josh interviews that it’s fantastic being the lead singer and it will make him popular and not so much the outcast anymore. And then Emperor Josh becomes even more endearing when he jumps around his room singing off key and out of time with a KISS song. He hams it up for the camera. He skips around in his little undershirt. He snarls. Heeheheeeeeee. He might even hurt himself but I don’t think he’d mind. He’s thrilled to be lead singer.
Quotes of the Week:
Gene starts the show: “I’m Gene Simmons and I wear more make-up and higher heels than your mommy does.” And “My job is to create little rock gods.”
Gene Simmons’ introduction to the class: “Hello, kiddies.”
Rodney on Gene Simmons: “I think he’s arrogant.”
Gene Simmons’ on his goals: “They’re gonna learn to be arrogant.” HAHAHA!!!
Gene Simmons as your seventh grade band teacher—super or scary? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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