Danny, You're Not Fired, But You're Still Not Hired Either: Queer Eye Episode 212 by Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
In a not-so-triumphant feat, we have a reality television celebrity cross-over as our make-over man this episode. Danny Kastner who was fired from The Apprentice made his claim to fame via leisure suits and inappropriately-timed mood-altering jingles. His former tv-job enables Carson in the SUV to have a direct phone line to The Donald (and just why do we call him “The Donald”? ) who says that Danny was a “what’s the consensus” man when he should have been an “I’m the leader so listen to me” man. He also says that Danny likes music more than business. Donald Trump suggests bringing Danny into the boardroom for a second chance.
No matter what his leadership style is, Danny is still a star in many respects as he has developed a new charity which is much like a school of rock called School Bus Rock. It gives kids music mentors. So he wants to have a cocktail party for it that involves pizza. Instead, the Fab Five want to throw a gala and invite people in the know who can help the cause. They want to give him a mojo make-over. Carson says that if Danny screws up, they’ll fire him. Wow, that’s incredibly non-threatening.
Credits. The Queer Eye title has a silver dollar sign hanging from it. Classy.
Into the building they go to meet Danny who answers to door in a red polyester suit. His hair is shaggy as usual. His apartment is also his office. He has a huge white-walled, wood-floored apartment with red chairs and glass tables. Computers and corkboards abound.
Carson calls Danny a techno-hippie as they walk into what I think is his bedroom. There’s a mattress and a guitar and a bunch of wires and electronic crap all over the place. Ted points out that “all the people he irritated on “The Apprentice” signed his guitar. Heeheehee. That’s cool, though.
Kyan has a very bland interview with one of Danny’s employees. Kyan asks if Danny is focused. The employee says Danny has ideas. That’s so a no.
Thom finds a transformer lying on one of the desks. He says it’s a very important desk ornament. I couldn’t agree more. Oh, he’s being sarcastic. Shut up, Thom. Transformers played a big part of shaping my childhood. Although I was barely ever a child, one thing I occasionally played with was one of my brother’s transformers. So there.
In the bedroom, Carson fears Danny’s collection of ascots.
Ted says to Jai that the house isn’t all that bad. Jai agrees. Meanwhile, Thom has found a dirty crumpled tissue under Danny’s mattress. Spoke too soon, Ted.
Thom and Carson try to come up with a team name. Thom likes Team Spirit Fingers. Carson likes Team Queen. Surprisingly, Danny has not broken out the guitar to start singing yet.
Moving onto his hair, Danny loves his hair and hates it back. Cut to Kyan in the other room saying that if Danny were just a musician, he could keep his hair that way. Ted says, “If he were selling bongs…” and Kyan says, “Yes, I’d buy a bong from him.” Heeheeheeeeee!
Meanwhile, Carson has stumbled upon a pair of white platform shoes that have sparkly water and dice in the heels. He calls them “the best of Atlantic City and Harlem all in one.”
And now here’s the music. Ted plays piano as Danny croons, “I was hanging out with some gay guys….” Jeez.
Jai and Ted discuss School Bus Rock with Danny. They love the name. He talks about mentoring. All this while Carson is putting underwear on Thom’s head. Danny is excited about the party. Then Ted opens the old wounds by asking Danny why he was fired by Donald Trump. Danny says he’s not the “uber corporate type.” Very true! He does say that he’s good at motivating people. The FF want to be motivated. They ask him what the plan is—he motivates, “I don’t know.” Ha!
They all make a checklist for the party. This list includes inspiration and location. They decide that they will help Danny all day and at night, he’ll be their boss. Then Ted reveals that they’re taking Danny back to The Donald at the end of the day for once last shot at the Trump Seal of Approval. Then they decide that their team name is Team Unbelievable.
His friends interview that Danny owns too much polyester.
Jai and Ted introduce Danny to three publicists from an entertainment group. Danny tells them, “Without the bling, we can’t sing” when they ask if he wants to raise money. The publicists say that they can call different artists to come to the event. They are also offering free PR for one year with their agency. They warn Danny that his job is to follow-up. Jai yells, “This is your second chance!” Simmer down there, Jai.
In the SUV, Thom tells Danny that they’ve gotten The Cutting Room for the event which is a hip-cool place. They’re heading to Rent Quest for event furniture. Thom has taken Danny’s guitar with them so Danny can woo the Rent Quest people into making donations instead of having them spend all their money on rented furniture.
The furniture is very modern. Thom is going to screen the room with curtains and up-light them. They find some translucent blocks for stands at the auction. They also like the banquets (so spelled wrong). Then, Danny pours on the charm about the furniture. The saleslady asks about the event. This is so scripted. Danny asks Rent Quest lady to be a sponsor of the event. She says that she had a music mentor and the charity speaks to her and she’s a sucker. She decides to donate the furniture and Danny hug-attacks her. Thom says, “Oh, my God. Well, if he looks good at the end, he’s single.” Heehee.
Next, Danny meets Carson at Etro to buy clothes. Carson shows him fun clothes that are all better quality versions of what Danny likes to wear. Danny loves the pink tie and mentions that The Donald likes them. Then Carson calls the dressing room “glamorosa.” Heehee. Carson puts Danny in black Vans that he put guitar patches on. Then he wears a pinstripe charcoal suit and a striped blue button down with a blue tie. Then they sing and dance.
Carson’s sell rings and he answers it, “Go for elf.” Ha! The PR company wants to know if Danny wants to book a documentary crew that was big at Sundance. Carson tells him to make a decision quickly and Danny quickly responds, “Book em!” Causing me to yell out, “Book em, Dann-o!” for no reason at all.
And now it’s time for Hair Fun with Kyan. Kyan tells Danny that he’s striking a balance between respecting who he is and reaching his important goals. Then he doesn’t let Danny put on his glasses mid-cut. They chat about how Kyan is nervous about the boardroom and Danny’s not. Finally, Danny gets his glasses back and likes the cut. It’s still a little shaggy but it’s shaped. It looks, you know, clean.
The friends interview that Danny is a little different from everyone else.
In the SUV, Danny asks which of the FF is best at getting supporters. Kyan and Carson say that Carson is the best solicitor. They remind Danny that he’s their boss once they get to the venue. Danny sets a goal of raising 20 grand. Then he says that he’s not nervous about facing Trump one more time.
Now, in a very weird occurence, we see Ted interviewed. He recaps that the FF are helping Danny with his fundraising event. Next, Thom gets interviewed in the same fashion. So strange.
The venue is draped in white curtains and paper lanterns. It’s much lighter than what the place originally looked like with dark browns. Lots of furniture for sitting. And a bar.
Next, Kyan interviews. Oh, I get it. It’s like those interviews on “The Apprentice.” Gotcha. I’m quick. Then Carson. Then the FF all agree they’re worried.
Danny has a meeting with the PR people. They show him the silent auction stuff. Meanwhile, Carson and Thom feel like they should be doing something instead of standing around. Ted says, “Well, I’m behind the bar” and starts tossing around bottles. This is a disaster in the making.
Then the PR people show Danny the stuff for the gift bags. Danny thinks that the FF should do it. Then they tell him that HP offered him a digital camera so that he can take pictures of the event. Jai then comes over to be Danny’s right-hand man because he felt that Danny got a raw deal on “The Apprentice.” Umm, no. He didn’t get a raw deal. From the looks of it, he’s a horrible leader when it comes to crunch time.
In any case, once Thom sees that Jai has a clipboard, all hell breaks loose. Everyone wants to know why Jai has a clipboard. Jai calls himself the team leader. Danny makes them all hush.
The entertainment arrives. They are the kids from the rock school, the ones from the Sundance documentary. Danny puts Kyan in charge of them. Kyan decides to leave his cocktail behind. Then Thom comes over and asks if he can be in their band. They say, “Not in those lime green pants, you can’t.” No, I kid. That’s what I would say.
Kyan then says that he doesn’t think he can be in charge of the kids because he has no clue about sound checks. That’s when we hear Carson, Thom, and Ted yelling things into the mic at the imaginary crowed. Thom interviews, “I’ve got three letters for you: A.D.D.” You can say that again. How do they get anything done?
Danny comes over to tell Ted and Carson to go stuff bags. He puts Thom in charge of setting up the silent auction. Then he tells the kids, “If any of the Fab Five come up on stage, body block them off.” Heehee. I love the promotion of violence among today’s youth. He thanks the kids for coming. Then he tells Kyan to switch jobs with Jai because Kyan knows nothing about sound checks and Jai knows stuff about the stage.
Meanwhile, Ted and Carson have finished one gift bag. Ted wants to take a break. Heehee. Then Ted asks what they’re doing with food. Danny asks Ted to oversee the food staff.
Lots of more preparation. Lots of checking stuff off of lists. Ted comes in to alert everyone that there are cases of beer sitting outside on the hot streets of NYC. He explains that he’s elderly and can’t carry things. Danny says, “Do it or else.” No, I kid again. Cut to the elderly Ted carrying in cases of beer.
Outside, the red carpet is kinda crumby and needs to be adjusted. Then Danny’s not sure where he wants to put the gift bags so Carson figures it out. Kyan points out that it may rain, which is never good for an event. Then it starts pouring. Kyan literally points up and says, “This is no good.” Thom says, “You should see your hair.” Ooh, low blow. Hitting Kyan where it really hurts. Ted asks Danny to shut off the rain. Heehee.
Then Danny changes in the middle of the room. He wears black pants, a black shirt with a sparkly word on it, a striped red shirt, and a black jacket. Then the party begins.
Hip Tip: Thom says to repaint your dead grandma’s furniture. Hey, don’t get mad at me. He said it.
The friends interview that Danny loves children and music and wants to reach out to others and he’s a wonderful do gooder.
Carson decides that he’s in charge of the silent auction and then starts Shhhh-ing people. He arms himself with pens.
Jai explains that they invited George from “The Apprentice” to the event.
Danny asks Kyan how his hair is. Kyan says, “You’re sweating!” and wipes his brow.
They asks George what he thinks of the new look. He says it’s nicer but not Trump-style. Carson exclaims, “It’s not an IRS audit!”
Danny goes around the room hugging and kissing and hand shaking. Carson solicits for the silent auction. One of the PR women say that he hasn’t followed through with the food. Kyan interviews that he hasn’t seen food around. Danny blames Ted because he thought he put Ted in charge and Ted says that he didn’t.
Carson says that his shoe closet is more organized than Danny. Heeheee.
Danny makes a speech saying that he’s touched that so many people he loves are there. He says that he needs help all around, such as his shaggy hair, but mostly he needs help with his charity. He explains all the ways people can donate. Then he moves everyone into the other room to see the kids perform.
The kids? ROCKED! They were friggin awesome.
After the performance, Carson starts berating people for money with Jai in tow. Ted and Kyan jump in as well. Ooh, another Apprentice person citing. Michael who didn’t do a whole lot of work the week he couldn’t get fired was there.
Carson announces that they’ve raised 25 grand. Everyone cheers.
The Fab Five don some very lovely suits. Wow, I’ve never seen Ted look better. Then they head into the boardroom with Danny. The Donald says that Danny is looking good and that the FF’s dream is “to do something with my hair.” They all laugh. I’m impressed at Kyan’s will power to not leap across the table with clippers.
The Donald says that Danny’s shirt is a bit wild for business and Ted agrees but says that since Danny’s organization is music, they thought it was okay. Carson claims responsibility for the shirt. Then Kyan explains how Danny’s hair was over his eyes but Kyan made him cut it.
Trump asks about delegation. Carson says that there wasn’t much direction while the FF are used to the philosophy of Lead, follow, or get out of the way. Then Ted says, “Yeah, you blamed the food on me, Danny!” Heehee. Danny takes the full blame. Kyan then says that Danny’s leadership showed when he reversed the roles of Jai and Kyan earlier in the day. Ted admits that they’re a slightly difficult group to wrangle.
Jai says that Danny was inspiring and passionate at the event. Danny says that he followed his dream with music and connecting with other people. Carson says that they reached their goals.
Trump says Danny is amazingly talented at music and okay-talented at business. Trump congratulates everyone and tells Danny he did a great job.
Jai says to make sure any charity you donate to is registered with the IRS.
And that’s the only ending tip this week. The other guys are worn out from all that fundraising.
Does The Donald make this the biggest season ever? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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