| Coach Pat Slam Dunks: Queer Eye Episode 209 |
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| Posted on Sat 13 Aug 2005 (1176 reads) |
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-- by Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Newsflash: Queer Eye is nominated for an Emmy. How do I know that? There’s a nifty Emmy statue icon at the bottom of the screen and it says “Emmy Nominee.” Shameless. Just like me. That’s why I love this show. In the SUV, Ted lets us know that the make-over man for this week is a high school basketball coach. No one is excited about going back to high school; Kyan feared basketball in high school. Carson says that he feared volleyball too. Awww, memories. That’s just what it was like when I was in high school. I never ever want to go back. Ever. Never. But back to the show. Coach Pat is all about tough love and makes his athletes maintain a B- average. Good coach. He’s married and has two kids. He’s also a surrogate dad to the players. The players don’t have much money and haven’t been able to have the annual banquet they usually have. The mission: Put the bang in banquet. What that has to do with a make-over, I have no idea. The Fab Five roll up to Frederick Douglas Academy and joke about hall passes. They invade a classroom and the kids go nuts and jump and hug them. Thom writes “no homework” on the board. They tell him that the coach is down the hall. The FF run out and get lost again. Scary memories all around. They make it into home-ec class. They survey the students to find that the coach needs a new haircut and new clothes. Well, duh. Then they chow down on some kielbasa. Upstairs, they find a ballet class. And join in. Carson winds up on his knees. Jai is an expert. Finally, they make it to the gym. This school is huge. The FF run into the basketball game and Jai has a moment of introduction with a rather tall student named Jumani. Coach Pat blows his whistle and then Carson grabs and blows it too. The Fab Five huddle round the coach. One grabs his American flag tie and says, “God bless America, that’s an ugly tie.” Heehee. Then Ted disapproves of the pleats in his pants. So Carson starts cheering, “Hey, hey. Ho, ho. Your pleated pants have got to go.” Heheehehehheeeeee! Kyan inspects Coach Pat’s teeth (because he’s a dentist) as the players join in with Carson’s cheer. Haha! Then one of the players makes the coach show the FF the inside of his shoes. He takes of the shoe to reveal a Doctor Scholl’s-like insert. Kyan calls his shoe a Petri dish. Then Carson shows the boys how he can dunk. He does so by having one of the players lift him up. Then he hangs from the hoop until some of them let him down. Coach Pat explains that the boys on the team are all seniors and they’ve all been together for four years. Lots of bonding. Meanwhile, Ted gets beaned in the head Marsha Brady-style by the basketball. Ha! Then he runs after a ball and can’t quite grab it. He turns around with a huge embarrassed smile on his face. Thom and Jai? Huddle together and laugh their asses off. Heehee. Then Coach Pat shows off his wristwatch to Carson. He says one of the features is a stop watch. Carson asks, “You know why it’s called a stopwatch? Because you should stop wearing it.” Heeheheeeeeee! Over into Coach Pat’s office. Papers and cubbies and file cabinets all over. A non-working phone that Thom thinks you can get TB from lies under all the papers. Then the players demonstrate how fifteen of them cram into the office to watch replays of the game. Thom sees some pictures of the coach’s kids and asks if they visit the office. Coach Pat has a cardboard box with toys in it for them. Thom says, “Wow. A toy box. You took that too literally.” Then they look at the stone-age computer the coach has; he points out that the old one, on the other desk, died two years ago. Thom says he’s keeping it around just to add to the technology-palooza going on. Heehee. Thom says that it’s kind of obvious that no real thought went into putting the office together because it’s covered with crap. Outside of the office, the players explain that the coach needs better hair and odor eaters. Heeheee. Then Kyan asks which of them is going to college. They all raise their hands. Wow. Good for them. Good coach. Ted and Kyan venture into the locker room. Kyan is appalled that the boys have no deodorant or stuff for athlete’s foot. Shocking. Back on the court, one of the players teaches Carson to shoot. He misses. Shocking again. He keeps missing over and over. Ted then has a heart to heart in a circle on the gym floor. They talk about the banquet that they couldn’t have for a while. They want to have one to give back to the coach. They talk about how Coach Pat always helps them with academics and priorities in their lives. Carson blows Coach’s whistle one more time and they run off to go shopping. The students interview that Coach Pat has no style except for sports wear. In the SUV, Ted and Kyan make Coach Pat cry. Seriously. They’re talking about how the team is a great group of guys and how they’ve achieved the goal of making at least 80% grades in academics. Then the Coach bawls. He says every time he speaks about them, he gets emotional. Understatement. Nice going Ted and Kyan. Back at the gym, the team brags more about their coach because they really love him. Jai then tells them that their team picture is pitiful. Thom and Jai show them new uniforms that they can put on and take more pictures of them. Over at the New York Knicks training facility, Kyan, Ted, and Coach Ted meet the Knicks training coach. Out on the court, Ted sips a glass of wine. Kyan calls him a bigger lush than Thom. Heehee. Then the training begins. First, they use rolled up towels as hurdles. Coach Pat runs through. Then Ted does some sort of jumping jacks motion. Kyan admonishes, “This isn’t hop scotch!” Then they work on abs using a medicine ball. They should do Pilates. That would be fun. Back at school, the team comes out of the locker room wearing new uniforms and clapping to the beat of their own drummer. Thom is also sporting some shorts over his clothes and has them hiked up to his chin. Heehee. Jai introduces them to Kevin Fox the photographer. They take pictures. Ted takes Coach Pat, Kyan, and the Knicks’ trainer into the kitchen. Coach Pat says that they eat pasta or pizza before a game, or they get their favorite meal from one of the boys’ moms. Sweet. Knicks’ Trainer disapproves of the pizza. He suggests eating a pre-competition meal about an hour before the game that is easily digested. He also says that what they eat after the game is just as if not more important. Post-game, the Knicks eat pasta and greens. Knicks’ Trainer makes a smoothie that has strawberries, nuts, and yogurt along with honey to make the yogurt less bitter. This is good before a game. They all chug the smoothie. Ted says he has so much energy that he wants to punch Kyan. Kyan pats Ted’s head and says, “Finally, some physical activity from you.” Heehee. Seriously, I think Ted and Kyan are secretly having an affair. Meanwhile, Photographer Fox is taking action shots of the team. Jai sends them all off to change. Carson runs with Coach Pat to a clothing store that has classic American style. He teaches the coach the three F’s of clothes: fit, fabric, and finish. Carson doesn’t want to do a suit. Then he shows Coach Pat some pastel plaid shorts and says, “you’ll get your butt kicked in these!” Carson puts him in dark pants, a striped button-down, lighter-blue tie, and light gray sport jacket. Bringing him out of the dressing room, Carson asks if his students ever skip classes. Coach Pat says no and then jumps, stunned, at seeing some of his students sitting in front of him. Heehee. Nice surprise. They love the look and give him diva snaps circa 1991’s In Living Color. Carson tells the boys that the Coach’s new name is Patches. Wasn’t that Mambo Italiano’s nickname? The team runs amok, shopping for the next outfit. Carson loves the colors they choose. He gives them the tip, “Most retail stores hate it, but I do it anyway. Lay it out.” And he proceeds to lay the outfit out on the floor to see what it looks like. Nice. Coach Pat comes out in a charcoal suit with another striped button down. They all like it. Then he puts on the plaid-like green blazer with lime pants. He walks out very stiff and weird. He says, “yeah, this would work uptown in Harlem.” Heehee. Oh, yes, it would. And then you would be beaten senseless. He and Carson share a shimmy dance. The students interview that Coach’s office is junky, messy, and unorganized. In the SUV, the students tell Jai that they will miss Coach Patches. Heehee. Coach smiles. Carson says that he never liked gym class but when the players were actually taking time to show him what to do, he felt good. They arrive at the gym and surprise everyone with the re-made office. He has a flat screen. The walls are yellow with red accents, school colors, and there’s a cork wall for all the action shots and articles. He has a locker for the kids’ toys and a carpet. New couches and a new desk with new chairs. A new lap top. And a closet for a new wardrobe. Carson gives Coach Pat a new watch from IWC because he threw out the old one. Thom then shows them the new display cases he installed in the Hawkins Memorial hallway. Coach says that he’s seen a lot of hallways and that’s as nice as it gets. Oh, I made a mistake. Coach Pat doesn’t have one new laptop. Jai the Electronics Fairy has gotten him three laptops along with a new stereo, the aforementioned flat screen, and a new video camera that hooks up to the computers and the television. Jai then brings in Double Agent Syrus from the Geek Squad who will help Coach Pat out with using the electronics. Coach says, “Get comfortable, Syrus!” heehee. Technology-challenged. Kyan then gathers the team and the coach in a classroom for Grooming Class. He gives them each a grooming kit. Then he points to the board and makes the coach read, “Moisture plus darkness equals bacteria.” He goes on to explain the science of yuckiness. Everyone gets flip flops for the shower. Kyan then makes everyone who has had jock itch raise his hand. Only the coach raises his hand. Heehee. Next Kyan points out the jock itch spray in the kit. One player asks how you know if you have jock itch. Kyan says, “If you have it, you’ll know.” I can only imagine. Then he says, “If it burns when you pee, that’s something completely different.” The players all laugh. Because the burning sensation in the penis is obviously hilarious. Next, it’s time for Kyan to completely embarrass Coach Pat by asking him if he knows why his teeth are discolored. Coach says he has no idea. Kyan explains that anything that will stain a shirt will stain your teeth. Like grass and blood in all those detergent commercials. Then he gives Coach a box of Crest White Strips because he’s Crest’s bitch. Class dismissed. Thom shows everyone how to make basketball tablecloths and lanterns. Then he tells them to lay out eight votives. The centerpieces are a surprise. He shows them a simple table setting and how to fold a napkin. Carson then brings out varsity jackets for the team. Each one has a name on it. Ted brings out smoothies which receive less of a reaction. One of the players thanks the FF for all they’ve done. Then Coach Pat thanks the FF and gets all choked up. He talks all about teams and how the FF are adults who do stuff for young people. Then one of the players leans over and gives him a quick peck on the cheek which is so absolutely endearing that I’m tearing up. Then they give the Fab Five two claps which is a pretty cool thing in basketball land. Then they all cheers with their smoothies. Hugs all around and the FF leave. Hip Tip: Thom says to dress up light bulbs with a paper shade with the hopes that it won’t catch on fire. The students interview that the coach is dedicated and he changes people for the better. He makes good athletes as well as great men. Awwwww. The Fab Five gather round the Critic Couch for smoothies that have starfish on them. Carson says that Ted was homoschooled. Heeheee. At the gym, the guys set up all the votives and make the tablecloths. They all bicker. Heehee. They don’t remember how to make the tablecloths the way Thom showed them. More bickering. Coach tells them to pick up the speed and suggests they look at the model Thom made before they do anything more. Coach asks if he should shave. The FF all say YES in a huff. The team says yes too. Then the coach is off. He puts shaving cream on a dry face and shaves in the wrong direction. Then he moisturizes which they approve of. Next coach takes off his shoes and throws them in the garbage. Then he drops trow and stands in his underwear which Ted says is not a good look for the office. Heehee. Then Kyan says it’s like “the beginning of a bad porn.” HA! Now that’s comedy. Coach dresses in the dark suit with the striped button down and a green tie. He uses the computer screen as a mirror. Heehee. I was just on vacation and there was a mirror only in the bathroom, so when someone else was in there, we used the tv screen to see ourselves. A knock at the door and his wife and kids come in. She’s happy and impressed. The kids love the office. Carson thinks they are the cutest kids he’s ever seen. Out in the gym, the team sees that the centerpieces are their trophies. Cool. The parents come in too. Everyone starts to eat. Yum. And the little sneak peek at what’s coming up after the commercials has already made me start crying so I’m going to get a box of tissues before the commercials are over. One of the players introduces the coach at the banquet. Everyone stands and cheers. Coach Pat comes in with his family and says he’s overwhelmed. He gives the mic to Dumani (sorry—that’s probably spelled wrong) to introduce the team and each will say something. Tissues are ready. Dumani recalls how the first meeting to be on the basketball team was actually a study session after having to go through eight classes. He remembers thinking that the coach was crazy. But he says that he’s been a father figure and just now I’m realizing that they’re all calling him by his last name. All this time I’ve been ignoring that I thought they were calling him Megan, as in the girl’s name. But they’re really saying his last name. I’m an idiot. Moving on. Xavier thanks him for being a wonderful coach and friend and gets choked up and Coach stands and hugs him, teary eyed. Thom comments that they’re all good at getting up and speaking in front of people and they’re incredible. Another player gets up and says, “I came here as a boy, and you taught me how to be a man.” Coach nods and holds his breath, trying not to cry. I, on the other hand, am bawling like a newborn. Coach squeezes his hand and then they hug. The student cries into Coach’s shoulder. Another student comes up to give him the gift—a varsity jacket. On the arms are patches of the colleges all his previous students have gone to. That’s awesome. And then the Harlem Globetrotters come in. Kyan says, “I can do that.” Then Carson says, “Look at the way he handles his balls.” Heehee. The Harlem Globetrotter guy then introduces Charles Smith, a seven foot former Knick. He talks about how he’s always had people like Coach Pat in his life during success to humble him and during failure to make him feel good again. Then he presents Coach Pat with a check for $2000 on behalf of the Knicks for a Spirit Award which is a nationwide award. Coach then tells them that the trophies on the tables are for the players on the team and they belong in the center as the boys have been in the center of his heart. He says that this is his dream come true. And then he starts crying. He says he believes they will do great things as they have been. Thom is crying. The players are crying. Coach thanks everyone. Kyan comes over to Thom and gives him a hug and a kiss. Thom asks, “Whoever thought the coach of a basketball team would be this emotional?” He says that Coach is a great role model at every level. Kyan says that they gave the guys an opportunity to say thanks. They all toast to role models. Then, instead of weekly tips, we see all the players and the colleges they went to. Shout out to the SUNY system! Who’s a worse basketball player—Ted or Carson? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com |
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