| Michael's Big Top Barbeque: Queer Eye Episode 211 |
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| Posted on Tue 02 Aug 2005 (1625 reads) |
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-- Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl I’m hoping for a lack of sentimentality. I’m hoping for someone I can really truly make fun of. Oh, jeez. This is so not what I was hoping for. In place of sentimental and feel good, I have clowns. Scary scary clowns. Whoever invented clowns was a sadistic bastard. Clowns are not happy. Clowns are not funny. They are scary scary creatures and I can’t believe I now have to endure them for an hour. In the SUV the Fab Five discuss Michael who works for the circus. I am less than ecstatic. Michael has a big bushy beard. So he’s a Hasidic clown. No, I kid. He’s a tent master with a big beard. Jai says he’s built like a lawn gnome. They all joke about how his job is to pitch a tent. Ha. Michael lives in a trailer; Thom is psyched about redecorating. Michael’s family lives in Canada and has never seen him in the circus. So the mission is to have a huge barbeque for the circus family to meet his real family. Kyan sighs that he has no circus abilities. He always makes it about him, doesn’t he? The Queer Eye team pulls into the Big Apple Circus and encounters clowns. Jeez, I can’t take this. Michael repels down from a tent and they all make their way to his trailer which is amid a cemetery-like set-up of trailers. Carson brushed Michael’s beard and then sweeps some of it up into a comb-over a la Teddy Roosevelt. Jai, Thom, and Ted mock the décor. Lots of toys and crap all over. He’s also got pictures of all his tents hanging on the cupboards. Then Jai plays with a whoopee cushion while Kyan dances around in a wind tunnel. Michael also has a picture of his wrecked trailer. Yeah, he had flipped and rolled it. But all the good folks at the circus helped him pick up his stuff and keep moving. His new trailer isn’t half as good as his old one. The old one had a full couch! Then Ted and Carson play Name That Garment by having Carson sniff them with his eyes closed. First he correctly guesses a rancid sock. And then long johns from the crotchal region. Ha! Outside, Michael explains to Ted that he likes to grill steak and salmon. Inside, Carson and Jai blow up a condom until it explodes. Over to Thom who talks to a clown. I am so rolling my eyes. The FF then check out the truck that hauls his trailer. Thom moonwalks on it. Then they all take a tour of the circus. Horses. Trailers. Kyan still can’t find his circus skill. They meet a juggler and some trapeze artists. Ted wants to swing with them. Thom says it’s fun to swing with three people. They so don’t get the joke which makes it so much funnier. More tents. More circus stuff. Some Russian-like dancing. And finally the huddle during which Jai tells Michael that his Canadian relatives are coming for the barbeque. Yippee. Can’t wait. More clowns please. The co-workers interview that Michael is pretty much a schlub when it comes to clothes. In the SUV, Thom stresses his concern about leaving Carson and Jai back at the big top. Cut to Carson hitting on the foreign circus folk. Jai teaches the foreigner to say NO. Then Jai learns how to dance. Michael, Ted, and Thom arrive at Chocolate Haven which is heavenly. Take me there! Screw the clowns! Some chocolate chef with an obligatory accent explains all about the ingredients in a chocolate bar versus an expensive chocolate bar. When I was in the DR, I saw cocoa beans being dried out and vowed never to eat chocolate again because bugs crawl all over them. Yeah, that lasted until I got home and ate a whole bag of Hershey Kisses. Back to Chocolate Haven where they are walking among churning machines. Chocolate everywhere. Yummy. Oooh, a chocolate bear. Michael will give it to his niece. And Ted gives him a bunch of bars that have a label with a picture of Michael on them. Cute. Back to Kyan who attempts to learn how to juggle. He does pretty well actually. Michael shows up at Wonderland. Kyan jumps right in to create a “welcoming feel” to his appearance. That’s Kyan-speak for cut all your hair off. He suggests a shorter beard. Michael says he grew his beard long because he lost so much up top. So I guess now it looks as if it all just slid down his head??? Where is the logic in that? They cut his hair short and then trim the beard all while discussing the magic of the circus. Kyan has a maniacal grin on his face that is scaring the dickens out of me. Meanwhile, Thom and Ted are learning how to spit stuff at the circus. Then Ted learns that the trapeze gals don’t use a net. I don’t think he was expecting that. The newly shorn Michael meets up with Carson and Jai to buy hats. Carson wants to pimp his head. Back at the circus, Ted swings on the trapeze with the trapeze woman’s crotch in his face. Thom laments, “Too bad Ted is as gay as a handbag because you two make a cute couple.” Haha! Michael is still shopping for a hat. Carson says a straw hat is for after Labor Day. Then they look at wool hats. And a brown hat with a feather. I suppose the faded denim jacket two sizes too small is going to be overlooked this episode so that we can focus on headgear? The co-workers interview that his old trailer was the best darn trailer ever and his new one sucks big time. In the SUV, Carson gushes over the Russians in the circus. Michael shows up back at the trailer to see the new digs. Outside, Thom has set up some outdoor furniture and an awning to chill outside. Also, he put new containers in the truck as well as some roof storage. Inside, Michael gives a grunt and an awesome! Thom installed a composite wood floor and some updated couches. It actually doesn’t look anything like a trailer. In fact, it’s better than my living room in my two-bedroom. He has a friggin flat screen! And all his crap and clothes have been cleaned up. How sweet. Jai the Electronics Fairy then gives Michael a camera. Then shows him how to crop photographs on the computer. He gets all techie on Michael and shows him how to make them black and white. Michael then gushes over his love of taking pictures from interesting angles in the tent where only he has access. He would make a great peeping tom! Finally, Carson goes through Michael’s clothing. He’s bought him a wardrobe from a catalogue. The pants are nylon. The shoes are boat shoes with a non-marring surface. Nice, the denim jacket is gone. Ooh, he also has new prescription sunglasses from rayband. And a hat. Of course, all that hat shopping couldn’t have gone to waste. Ted teaches Michael how to grill ostrich. Which looks like a human liver on a tray. Ted lists the ingredients which include salt, pepper, tameric, paprika, and lots of other stuff. Then they make potatoes, the kind with the red skin. The dressing has oil, mustards seeds, and hot sauce to name a few ingredients. I should write a fill-in-the-blanks cookbook. Wonder how well that would sell. They plate the meat and potatoes and serve to the FF. They all toast to Michael’s new life and then disperse to practice their circus skills. Hip Tip: Kyan says to steal jump ropes from little girls. The co-workers interview that Michael’s Canadian family needs to meet them all desperately. Oh, jeez, Thom is dressed as a clown. Ted can’t get his safety harness on. It lifts and separates! Heeheehee. Ted’s a funny guy. Michael’s family shows up and they all speak French. Carson and Kyan get their make-up done. Carson practices a bunch of names. Michael’s family tours his new trailer. Then he continues grilling. Kyan practices juggling and keeps dropping balls. Carson can’t get the names right. Michael gives out the chocolate to the family. More party-goers show up. It’s the circus family. Lots of nervous waving ensues. There’s a great divide between the two families. It’s all very Hatfield and McCoy. But the ostrich brings them together like Bogey and Bacall. The ringmaster shows up! In his red jacket! He meets Michael’s family and hurries them into the tent. For the circus. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. In the tent, the ringmaster introduces Michael the tent master to the audience and a bunch of clowns come out and I shiver as the audience laughs. Why are they finding this amusing? I am so scared. Michael finally comes out and the audience cheers. He thanks the Fab Five for the transformation. Kyan comes out with the juggler and juggles three balls once. Then the juggler juggles with his mouth. Kyan juggles four balls and thinks he’s king of the world. The juggler juggles with his mouth again. Next, Thom comes out with grandma. They are both clowns. They spit water at each other. I am petrified. Hold me. Then, the Mongolian Angels appear with Ted for some trapeze fun. He gets jerked up into the air by the harness and fumbles and mumbles while hanging. He jokes, “This part’s a little sensitive” and “I don’t feel so good.” He has the hardest job here! Heehee. Carson comes out with someone from England and horses. Oh, those were horses names he was memorizing! He gets them all in a circle and gets one to genuflect. Then some troupe of high fliers comes out and they fling each other around. This act ends in Russian dancing with Jai taking part. And finally, the show is over! Hugs all around. Carson chases them all off with his whip. Carson says to sew extra buttons onto your breast. Jai says to stalk old friends when traveling. Kyan says to take pictures of hair with you wherever you go. Thom says to use felt pads to protect furniture. Ted says to bite bread when your tongue is on fire. You know that song, “Send In The Clowns?” Anyone find that as scary as I do? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com |
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