| Some Good Luck For Gary: Queer Eye Episode 207 |
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| Posted on Mon 01 Aug 2005 (1008 reads) |
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--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Coming off of a feel-good episode, we find our Queer Eye selves in the Fab Five SUV with none other than Boomer Esiesen of, what Carson calls, professional ice skating fame. HA! No, Boomer is a football star and apparently gay. No, I kid. He’s not a football star. No, I kid again. He was an amazing football player and now does color commentary. And now he’s hanging out with the boys to make over Gary the cystic fibrosis straight guy who has had a double lung transplant and was supposed to die at 16. Now, he’s 40 and has a wife, Robin, and six year old twins. He just got laid off but he hated his job anyway. Wow. I have nothing sarcastic to say. That’s just, wow. The mission: Throw a birthday block party for Gary. At the house, Gary opens the door with the most shocked look on his face. Didn’t he know he was going to be on the show? They all walk in and, I have to say, this guy doesn’t need his house made over at all. There are hard wood floors, some off-white walls, nice furniture, nice décor. Thom exclaims, “Oh my God, you’re house is so clean!” Heehee. But then he walks into the kitchen and calls it “the ugliest kitchen in the world.” It’s kinda 70s. It kinda looks like mine. I am so ashamed. Meanwhile, the twins are showing Carson around and telling him about their pets. Carson says, “Oh, I’ve never had crabs before.” Heeheeheeeeee. I love adult humor in front of children who don’t know it’s humor. In the living room, Thom is wearing the window treatment. In the kitchen, Jai is crawling all over the place. More frolicking and fun times throughout the house. In the backyard, Jai throws a ball as Ted cowers and yells, “no no no!” Heehee. Thom and Carson check out more toys as does Kyan who rides the electric jeep that won’t go because he weighs too much. Ha. Cut to Kyan getting so pissy in the backyard. He wants to shoot a basketball into the kiddie hoop and Ted is waving a big orange thing in his way. Kyan, completely serious, goes, “Ted, stop. I can hardly get it in there anyways.” Seriously. Lighten up, tightwad. Robin complains that there’s no room in the kitchen. Gary’s medicine takes over two cupboards alone. Gary talks about his diagnosis and how he’s lived with cystic fibrosis. He’s very active and his world has changed since the transplant. Knowing that he was going to have boys made him fight to stay alive. He’s learned not to take things for granted. Dammit, I thought last week fulfilled the feel-good quota. Cut to Ted who awkwardly pushes the twins on a swing and then awkwardly takes out hockey sticks. I think he’s on sports overload. Back to Gary who also had diabetes. Jeez, when it rains. He asks Kyan for help with sunscreen because his medicine makes him sensitive to the sun. And he wants stuff to help him with his scars. I don’t know where they came from but does it matter at this point. Help a brother out! Oh yeah, Gary just got fired YESTERDAY. No severance. No medical coverage. No warning. Can someone make the black cloud go away? Please. The man deserves some goodness in his life. In the backyard, Boomer pegs Kyan with a football in the head. HAHAHAHAHHAAAAA! The wife interviews that Gary had terrible health before the transplant and they all feared death. The father interviews, well, he cries. In the SUV, Gary explains that he would love to have a barbeque. He also says that he feels so good and healthy and that his family got him through it. Carson wants him to do something special for Robin. Thom says to take her on vacation. Then Carson and Thom decide to take a helicopter shopping because there will be too much traffic on the highway. That’s a lie but the man loves helicopters and he deserves the goodness. Let’s hope that it doesn’t fall apart in mid air. They fly past the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and Central Park. Cool. The copter lands safely. Whoo-hoo. Some good fortune shining down. They go to Ted Baker London to buy attitudey yet humorous clothes. Meanwhile, Kyan takes Robin to an oriental spa. And of course, Kyan gets a spa treatment too. Carson dresses Gary in a bunch of suits for job interviews. Carson literally dresses him. He wears a lilac button down with a navy or black suit, I can’t tell. And laced up shoes. Then he gives him rimless glasses that I don’t like and neither does Gary but Carson and Thom love it. At the spa, Kyan and Robin drink champagne and get pedicures. They toast to Gary’s birthday. Robins says, “Happy birthday sweetie.” Then Kyan says, “Happy birthday sweetie” as if that’s normal. Back over to clothes shopping. Now Gary’s in a charcoal suit with a green accented tie. At the spa, Robin and Kyan eat sushi and discuss getting Gary a basketball hoop for his birthday. Gary makes his way over to see Jai at a hotel to meet Greg who is a career coach. Gary says that he wants to do something sports oriented and sales. He has a “brag book” to show his accomplishments. Greg says that it’s not necessary. Then he makes suggestions about Gary’s resume. This is so incredibly boring. I might fall asleep. Maybe I’m bored because I actually teach people how to write resumes and go on interviews. No, it’s because this really is boring. Very boring. So boring. I can’t emphasize this fact enough. And finally, it’s over. Jai and Gary meet up with Ted at Kitchen and Bath to meet Rocco of The Restaurant fame. You know, the famous chef whose restaurant went belly up. They cook some shrimp on these new high-tech non-stick mats. They mix in cheese, breadcrumbs, salt, and pepper and shove it in the oven. Ted asks if he drinks wine when he cooks and Rocco says, “Of course I do!” Then he breaks out into Julia Childs, “Just a little white wine” and it’s absolutely hysterical. Next, they let the shrimp cool and stick in some green things. They put red and white sauce on a plate and swirl it around with a toothpick. Then they put a papaya in the center and stick the shrimp in it. Rocco tells Gary that he can be the sous-chef any time. Aww. And the cooking ends with no incident. Allure Expert Alert: Use leave-in conditioner and a pony tail to avoid sun damage. There’s only so many ways I can write the same tip over and over again. These allure alerts suck the moose wang. The wife interviews that her kitchen sucks. In the SUV, Gary tells Jai and Ted how he went into the delivery room with an oxygen tank. After the transplant, he completed a five mile race within a month. I can’t run one mile and I’ve never had cystic fibrosis. I am so ashamed. Again. They take Gary into his kitchen with his eyes covered. Thom says, “I got you a new toaster and I want you to be surprised. You can make a grilled cheese sandwich in it.” Heehee. Of course, the entire kitchen has been redone with face-interchangeable cabinets, more storage space, and all updated appliances, stainless steel. Gary is literally speechless. And then he lets out an “omigod” in whispered fashion as he clutches a countertop. Hugs all around. Then he sees the new dining nook that Thom made. Very chic. Very cozy. Gary keeps saying, “She is going to flip.” Aww, he keeps thinking about his wife instead of himself. Ooh, cool lamp too. Carson takes Gary into the bedroom and they hump like rabbits. No, I kid. They look at shirts and sneakers. The man now owns about ten pairs of sneakers, one for each sport. And new socks too! Then they choose an outfit for the celebration. Jai pokes his head in and says, “Celebration?” Carson says, “Look. It’s Cool without his Gang.” And I proceed to fall off my couch in tears of laughter that do not cease for about five minutes. And I need to rewind and replay. Heehee. And now it’s time for Fun with SkinCare. Kyan gives Gary an exfoliation regiment and sunscreen. Oh, the scars? They’re from his surgery. Kyan gives him Neosporin something or other. And then, Gary gets the gift of Crest White Strips even though that has nothing to do with anything aside from advertising. Outside, there’s a big white tent and massive amounts of food and tables. Thom hired a caterer/party planner to do the work. They have an obligatory plug me conversation. Thom calls it all the “coolest block party ever.” Ted then shows Gary how to make cranberry-raspberry-freeze. This involves pressing, extracting, blending, and ice cubes. They pour it into a pitcher and add diet soda. You can also add vodka! The FF regroup in the new eating nook and Thom gives Gary a gift certificate to go to the Bahamas with Robin. Cool! Gary asks if he can say two words and Carson says to say as many as he wants. Gary says that, aside from the day of his lung transplant, his wedding day, and the birth of his children, that make-over day with Queer Eye has been the best day of his life. And when his children ask him who his favorite superheroes are on television, he’s going to tell them that not all superheroes wear a cape and tights; some wear a lavender cuchier, which is spelled completely wrong and I have no idea what it is and why some straight guy knows what it is while I don’t. Anyway, they all laugh. He continues his thanks and praise and they all toast. Hip Tip: Jai says that good posture is necessary to look good. I think I like Jai with longer hair. The mother interviews that she’s never met a person who didn’t like Gary. The Fab Five gather round the Critic Couch for their first Long Island block party with Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians playing in the background. Cool. And Gary begins cooking by chopping up garlic with the skin on. Rocco didn’t say anything about removing the skin. Then Ted has a conniption because Gary is using bottled lemon juice. Thom says, “The man had a double lung transplant. Give him a break.” Wow, he can use that excuse for anything for the rest of his life, can’t he? Gary moves onto the beverages. As Gary juices the raspberries into a strainer, Carson asks, “Is he going to churn his own butter later?” Heehee. Gary chops the ice with a huge knife which is kinda scary. Gary completes the shrimp dish perfectly. Then Gary goes into the bathroom and Kyan complains, “That’s kind of a shabby cleansing job” as Gary washes his face. Thom pipes up, “Do I have to mention again that the man had a double lung transplant?” Heehee. Acceptable excuse forever. Gary continues with his hair and a plastic brush. The FF call it a very Long Island thing and Thom refers to the brush as very “Vinnie Barbarino.” Heeee. Although, wasn’t he from Brooklyn? Carson loves that Gary uses the mirror while getting dressed. He’s wearing a white button down with blue pinstripes and a cream colored blazer. He looks really really good. The doorbell rings and he says to himself quite endearingly, “Let’s go get em.” Robin “omigods” at the door. Ted says she’s really pretty and they all like her. The FF keep repeating omigod omigod. Gary takes her into the kitchen and she does a slower version of O Mi God a few times and then does a cha cha number in the middle of the kitchen. Gary then gives Robin the shrimp scampi and tells her he learned how to do it from Rocco. She omigods. Then he gives her the drink. She loves it. Then he says, “I want to talk to you.” Everyone gasps. Robin has a terrified look on her face. Carson says, “I’m leaving you for Carson!” while Thom says, “I’m leaving you for another man!” Instead, Gary asks her to go to the Bahamas with him. They hug and they love and love and hug. They are so sweet. And now, the party. People cheer for him. Boomer is there. A good friend surprises them. Boomer gives Gary a ball signed by Dan Marino. Gary sniffles and then hugs his mom. Then some guy from the Jets gives him Jets stuff. And then he jumps for joy as he sees the basketball hoop that they installed. Robin gives tours of the kitchen and everyone omigods. Thom says, “I never knew a kitchen could make people so religious.” Then everyone jumps into an omigod frenzy. Outside, they gather round the birthday cake. Robin gives a little speech about survival and inspiration and they blow out candles and Gary thanks the Fab Five. Gary remembers seven years back when his friends took him out for a farewell dinner and he had thought it was going to be the last time he saw them. Seven years later, he’s still here and he’s happy he’s with his family and friends. Jai calls Gary and Robin wonderful. They toast to their inspiration and forty more years. Carson says to write the purchase date inside your sneaker. Jai says to carry a resume in a portfolio. Thom says to polish appliance with olive oil. Ted says to wipe your hands on stainless steel to remove onion smell. Kyan says to donate all your organs. Is Queer Eye ever going to offer a man that I can make fun of again? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com |
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