Category Archives: Guilty Pleasures

Real Housewives of New York City Premiere – “A New New York”

New wives, prosthetic leg, love fest, and dinner parties.

The season 5 premier introduces not one, not two, but three new housewives to the New York City circle. Heather Thomson, Carole Radziwill, and Aviva Drescher.

LuAnn and new housewife Aviva (whose name I love, btw, and not just because it sounds like a brand of paper towels) discuss their highbrow lives and catch up with each other.

We even get a quick French lesson as they start speaking the romance language to show off their skills.

Turns out there’s a bit of a “love fest” between the ladies and their exes. Translation: a couple of Aviva’s “new” friends have had relations with her ex-husband.Gross.

Sonja’s having a party and LuAnne attends with Aviva—who feels awkward because Sonja is friends with and has probably slept with her ex-husband.

Other new housewives, Heather and Carole, arrive. As a New York Times Best-seller author, Carole is the local celebrity right now.

Ramona arrives with her husband, Mario. LuAnn is less than happy to see Ramons after she degraded her parenting skills. The woman hasn’t apologized yet. And I doubt Ramona will, unless someone dopes her up with the Pino Gritio.

Avia gushes over Carole’s book about dealing with her husband’s cancer. Ramona comes over and the conversation shifts to mommy talk about kids. Boring. I agree, Carole.

LuAnn inquires if Heather speaks any other languages, like Italian. Well that convo is a bust so LuAnn quietly moseys over to Ramona, near the Pino Gritio and alcohol.

“Honey, I need to talk to you,” When those words leave LuAnn’s lips, she’s usually expecting an apology.

Picking up right where they left off, LuAnn is still annoyed with Ramona about the disparaging comments she made about LuAnn’s parenting (from last season) and tries to discuss it with her at the party.

Ramona isn’t having it. She takes her Pino Gritio and marches off.

Aviva and Sonja go for mani-pedis. Sonja’s taken aback when Aviva takes out her large bag. Why, you ask? We learn Aviva has a prosthetic leg, which she introduces not only to Sonja, but to everyone for the rest of the episode.

Honesty is the best policy, right? Why not be upfront about things.

Heather and Ramona clash because they’re both big talkers, fast talkers, and think they know everything. Ramona meets her match in this one because “this woman will not shut up.”

At the dinner party, Ramona freaks out over Sonja saying “my husband” instead of her “ex” husband since there’s an eligible bachelor sitting to her right.

Carole skipped the dinner party so she meets with Aviva and LuAnn for lunch to catch up. It’s total Bash Ramona time. LuAnn has some issues with Ramona threatening her through the kids.

The three housewives agree to never become “mean girls.” Sure, we’ll see how that goes. As usual.

 

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Real Housewives of Orange County; Ep. 17 – “Monkey Business”

Costa Rica pt. 2, river rafting, and a breakdown.

Alexis flees the table after the women beat up on her. She doesn’t want to be around anyone and would rather weep alone.

But some of the ladies come after her, like Vicki and Gretchen. Sorry, Gretchen, you’re not allowed into the room.

“I don’t think Alexis is pretentious. I think she’s a great girl. She’s drop-dead gorgeous and they’re all jealous.”

Vicki, tell them how you really feel. I mean, really. Do you actually feel that way?

“I’ve been nothing but that freakin’ girl’s friend. Why in the world would she let Vicki in her room and not me?”

Now Gretchen wants to play the friend card on Alexis.

Alexis packs her bags and leaves—well this isn’t new because she doesn’t have a nanny to watch her kids, so she couldn’t stay the week in Costa Rica anyway. Psh.

The fact that the women ganged up on her during the Alexis Intervention only gives her more reason to fled Costa Rica.

The next Costa Rican event for the women is heading to the beach.

Gretchen is still super annoyed and bothered by Alexis only speaking to Vicki the previous night. Alexis just doesn’t value the friendship they were supposed to have.

Sorry, girls, but the tides in friendship were changing since the beginning of the season.

It’s likely Alexis’s last day on the trip, so Gretchen pulls her aside by a rock on the beach to express her feelings.

Miscommunication is a fixture with people, and Gretchen and Alexis “talk” is no different.

Alexis feels like Gretchen is making the situation all about her. Gretchen feels like Alexis is being too defensive and isn’t grasping her honest feedback on why the others think Lex is so pretentious and fake, for lack of a better word.

After Alexis leaves the beach and Costa Rica altogether, the women all get along and run around, playing like little kids. A monkey hops along the beach towards the women and I think it’s more fearful of them.

I’d run the other way to escape that screaming and commotion.

The women each take a plant to have it grow into some sort of tree.

“Should we get one for Alexis?” Vicki’s the only one concerned about this.

Planting the trees together brings the women a little closer and sort of binds them—symbolically anyway. It’s a happy moment and there’s no screaming. There’s peace. And amongst all that, the thought of dying pops into Vicki’s mind.

Yep, the other ladies are convinced she’s slowly unraveling and losing it.

Ironically as Vicki plants away, the one meant for Alexis falls over and gets ruined, something similar to the like. Heather isn’t surprised.

Onto the next Costa Rican activity—and I like how organized this all is—white water rafting!

Heather’s concerned about the balance of the little boat. What about another ore to keep steady. Alexis sort of screwed the ladies over. Nonetheless, they’re all pumped and antsy about it.

Holy shiznit, there are piranhas in the water! No way are they stepping into that water just to get into the boat.

Maybe I should just scratch off river rafting from my bucket list.

Yelling, yelling, and screaming. Majority of it’s coming from Vicki “The Screamer” Gunvalson.

I would not want to ride a roller coaster ride with her, thank you very much.

Going down the river, Vicki consumes some of the water and regurgitates it back into the river.

Now Heather has to leave Costa Rica. Aw man. Two down and three left on Survival Island, though I believe Heather is capable of sticking it out if she wanted.

The remaining three have lunch and wow Tamra and Gretchen are matching in loud pink jackets and dark caps. Vicki’s crying and brings up her ex, Donn. Her mental state is kaput.

On the next episode: Fresh from the Costa Rica trip, Eddie takes Tamra to Tahiti. Vicki takes Brooks to get his teeth fixed. Alexis is still hosting, trying to become the next Katie Keurig (and no that’s not a typo on my part, refer to Alexis). Gretchen and Slade are arguing some more.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – Ep. 6: “Uncivil Union”

Coming out, bad jokes, wedding preparation, and therapy talk.

It’s a typical day at the Guidice residence: the girls are running about the place and there’s yelling. Oh Milania. The little cutie that spells trouble is pestering big sis, Gia.

What’s going on with Gia lately? Her angry eyes, temper tantrum, and blow up at Jacqueline’s Field Day caught everyone off guard, including me.

Teresa serves her daughter some waffles and tries to find out why Gia’s so upset over what’s going on with her and Zio (Uncle) Joe (Joe Gorga).

C’mon, children feel what their parents feel. Teresa’s upset so Gia is upset. Gia only sees Teresa’s side of the family brawl, which probably explains her anger towards Joe.

Joe Gorga is beyond fed-up with Teresa’s drama and the constant fighting. Therapy isn’t exactly the traditional Italian way, but it doesn’t sound so bad right about now.

He texts Teresa – this seems to be the main source of communication with these people – about seeing a therapist and how he wants to work things out.

Out of everyone on the show, Teresa of all people certainly does not need a therapist. Especially with all the personal issues she may be going through, with husband Joe and finances.

Kim D. is with her when she receives Joe Gorga’s text and she does nothing but feed Teresa’s obstinate mind set against therapy.

Rosie officially comes out to her niece and nephew, Joseph and Victoria.

The kids are more understanding than she expected and completely cool with it. As for questions, does everyone who’s gay have “gay-dar?”

I guess that’s the first thing that pops up in Joseph’s mind. Sure. Maybe. No antennas are involved undeniably.

Kathy and her family return to the shore, renting a shore house. The Gorgas and some friends of Kathy are also joining.

One sizzling hot woman catches Rosie’s eye for the night. Rosie practically drools at the sight of this woman who gives her special attention in the hot tub.

Sadly, the friend of Kathy is taken and straight. Rosie’s day will come.

Caroline’s brother, Jamie, is getting married to his partner of 13 years, Rich, and has invited the family to Chicago where it’s being held.

Teresa is invited since she’s a friend. That’s going to be a fun time. Awkward moments between an in-denial Teresa and a for-good-reason standoffish Caroline.

What’s going to add to that fun is Joe Guidice who—let’s face it—comes off as narrow-minded towards homosexuality and anything related.

Joe makes a homosexual joke about Greg, friend of the Manzos, that goes a little too far. Not to mention just flat out rude and crude.

On the next episode: Jamie’s wedding day. Teresa tries to make nice with Caroline, but it comes off as fake—as usual and pushy. Family and friends discover more magazine interviews done by Teresa that places them in a negative.

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Real Housewives of Orange County – Ep. 16: “Rumble in the Jungle”

Costa Rica, zip-lining, intervention, and a “white elephant.”

Before the O.C. ladies leave for Costa Rica, Tamra admits to throwing Terry under the bus. Over dinner and drinks on a double couple night, Tamra tells Heather and Terry about her confrontation with Alexis and that she blurted Terry called her fake. T

Terry nearly chokes on his drink, but all is quickly forgiven as long as Tamra backs Heather up during a planned intervention for Alexis on the trip. Done.

Alexis packs two suitcases full of all kinds of cute, probably newly purchased clothing for Costa Rica. For what exactly, I’m not sure since she says she’ll be staying half the time of the actual trip.

Heather’s looking forward to going on this trip with all of the ladies. I see a lot of heels. I’m sure Mrs. Dubrow will not be alone in the shoe department. I wonder how well heels go with the tropical jungle.

“Try to dress elegantly and pack lots of cotton clothes.” Slade does some research on what to wear to Costa Rica and reads off his finding s to Gretchen.

“You’re stressing me out. I don’t have any of that.” She’s annoyed by these suggestions. “Help me pick something. I don’t know what to take.”

Gretchen should phone other women and find out what all they’re brining. She’d feel better about what all she “doesn’t have.”

The ladies have to take a little detour to pick Vicki up in Florida and then they’re officially off the Costa Rica. It seems like as soon as they arrive, Vicki ditches the welcoming drinks and quick dining with the girls to chat over the phone with Brooks. My God.

It’s clear early on that Heather and Tamra are fed up with the just the sound of Alexis. Alexis’s imitation wedding ring comes up again and she makes an excuse about how she can’t stay the full trip because she doesn’t have nannies and babysitters to watch her kids.

Really? She and her husband are supposedly living the high life. And didn’t she know about this trip for a little while? She couldn’t find a nanny? Is Jim too busy to be a dad?

I’d be ecstatic to travel to Costa Rica under the same circumstance as the O.C. “housewives,” but wow, Vicki is on another level.

“My love tank is full!” Still not completely sure on what that means.

Zip lining through the jungle canopy has the O.C. ladies screaming with excitement, while their shifting friendships have them screaming at each other.

It looks like loads of fun. While the other women take in the experience, Alexis causes a fuss over how cautious the activity is because she’s worried about her nose falling off in the jungle somewhere. She paid good money for it I bet, so I don’t completely fault her. Much. Heather and Tamra chalk it up as a cry for attention.

After zip-lining, Tamra asks Vicki about her first marriage. Vicki was younger than Briana is when she got married. She’s still torn up about the Vegas marriage and she’s compensating by upping the crazy hyper-ness (yes, I made it a word). But we have to remember: “she’s happy.”

Everyone’s getting ready for the first night of dinner in Costa Rica. Heather and Tamra pair up to talk before and so does Gretchen and Alexis. I’ll put my money on it that both conversations having a mutual topic.

Alexis is stewed over what Terry said about her. Gretchen doesn’t feel awkwardness because all the tension is between Alexis and the other women. Such a good friend.

To lighten the mood, and while they’re waiting on Vicki—yet again—Heather makes a high-brow joke nobody gets. Points for trying, Heather. Alexis and Gretchen are on one side of the table as Tamra and Heather sit on the other.

So since Vicki’s absent at the moment, why not talk about her before getting to the nitty-gritty (i.e. Alexis intervention). When Vicki does finally show up, she opts for sitting next to Alexis instead of her “friend” Tamra.

Since the women are altogether in Costa Rica, so the guys back home may be planning some kind of Bro-night. When they ask Alexis if Jim is coming, she doesn’t give a straight answer. Heather says Terry called Jim the before the women left for the trip. Alexis’s excuses aren’t adding up.

Big whoops there. I say it’s a good time for that intervention. It’s time to discuss “the white elephant” in the room, or sitting at the table.

Heather and Tamra waste no time telling Alexis how they feel. How pretentious and superior she comes off.

Flashback time! Enjoy Alexis’s moments of flashing her so-called lavished lifestyle to everyone from past seasons.

What stings Alexis the most is when Gretchen chimes in, trying to calmly explain to Alexis—as a friend—what the ladies are saying and how true it is. Dang, Gretchen. We know how she’s felt all along.

On the next episode: Alexis leaves the dinner table in tears. She confronts Gretchen about not backing her up at dinner. The ladies go white river rafting.

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Real Housewives of Orange County – Ep. 15 “Scream Therapy”

Marriage, name change, and therapy.

After the heated argument with her daughter, Vicki tries to put all energy and focus into work the next day. Brooks brings coffee and offers more Brooks-isms.

“She said some truthful things from her perspective.” Oh Brooks, if only you knew what all Briana actually said.

So maybe he is an opportunist, truthfully speaking from Briana’s perspective. Maybe Vicki’s relationship is unhealthy, truthfully speaking from Briana’s perspective.

Therapists definitely bring in the bucks these days. Now Gretchen wants to take her and Slade’s financial problems to a professional. Um, I thought that was what financial advisors were for.

Alexis does a photo shoot for Alexis Couture, her “other fashion line.”

Heather has decided to finally change her name from her stage name “Heather Kent-Page” to Heather Dubrow, her name in holy matrimony.

Tamra is taking steps towards her dream for an exercising-business-gym venture. She holds auditions for her fitness studio.
Another trips a’brewing for the women of Orange County, courtesy of Vicki partly. While at work, she makes calls to invite every lady.

As usual when someone to contact Gretchen, her answering machine picks up instead and directs all messages to Slade. Vicki respectfully rejects the instructions because Slade is not invited on this trip for the women.

Vicki also gets Heather’s voice mail because she’s probably busy still changing her surname.

Heather drops by to see Terry on the job and surprises him with the legal certificate bestowing her name as Heather Dubrow. I think he’s even moved to tears.

“Heather Dubrow finally. That’s cool.” He’s really jumping on the inside like a little kid.

It’s official. They’re The Dubrows now.

While Heather’s marriage is officially sealed with a name and big smiles, Gretchen is still bugging about marrying Slade or not.

Since financial problems and talk of marriage has Gretchen on edge with Slade, they’re arguing about the most trivial and stupid things. Like being on the phone in the car while stuck in traffic. They get to the therapist and unleash their concerns.

Wow, Gretchen could pay Slade’s child support? Has she been doing so since they’ve been together? That’s not odd or awkward, paying support to another women for someone else’s children. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

Gretchen wants to move forward with marriage, but the relationship is at a standstill because Slade hasn’t made any progress. The excuses and promises have become tiresome. Gretch just wants the issues resolved.

Before the ladies leave for Costa Rica, Alexis wants to talk with Tamra about why she doesn’t like her. Here we go with the nose job again. Whoops, not a nose job. It was for health reason, specifically sinuses.

“Why would you trust a girl who has tits bigger than her head?” Tamra refers to Alexis quite bluntly. That statement says much more than what’s actually stated.

Tamra goes on to tell Alexis how shallow, materialistic, and fake she is, basically. Oh yeah that Terry called her fake. Nice ladies. Heather doesn’t want her husband involved in this petty drama.

“Please be respectiful about my husband and my family behind my back,” Alexis says her last peace.

“I don’t give a *bleep* [about you or your husband],” Tamra can’t get any simpler than that.

On the next episode: The O.C. ladies head to Costa Rica. Heather and the others ladies confront Alexis on her phony facade.

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Real Housewives of Orange County – Ep. 14: “Happily Never After”

Puppies, princesses, rings, and relationship talk.

Alexis prepares a Puppy-Princess party for her twin girls’ birthday.

With Heather’s guidance, Slade goes ring shopping for Gretchen. As in an engagement ring to show that Gretch is more than just a girlfriend of three years to him.

Let’s see, she’s a cash cow, hot commodity, and jack-of-all-trades. A ring might represent all of that. He has to be getting a ring that’s bling-ed out to the fullest. Oh shoot! Slade’s finances are in a bad place right now.

Tamra has an appointment with Dr. Terry Dunlow, Heather’s husband. She’s getting a tattoo of Simon’s name removed from around her finger.

Once the skin is gone, Tamra feels much better. And there are no more unexpected trips to the restroom over nervousness.

The Puppy-Princess party is in full effect. More make-up on the little girls, please! Alexis wants it to look like her girls actually have cake on their faces instead of just on their plates.

The adorable puppies arrive, and now I just wanna reach into the TV and rescue — I mean grab – as many as I can.

For some reason, Alexis decides to announce to the little princess girls how difficult a birth she had with her twins.

Thank God these kids have no clue what she’s talking about, nor can they pronounce all the big medical words she spouts out.

Almost everyone else has seen Heather’s mansion. Gretchen feels like she’s missing out, so she comes over and is astounded at the place. It’s phenomenal, we know.

They sit and chat in Heather’s boudoir, her private sitting area in her private and posh bathroom.

Gretchen talks out her concerns about marrying Slade. She still has no clue he went ring shopping (window shopping, technically) for her.

Finances can make or break a marriage and Gretch is more than aware of this. She’s been down the marriage road before and refuses to go back if debt is involved again — which Slade’s sure will be in this case.

Turns out Heather did not get the acting part for that TV show to be shot in Canada. But she is sort of relieved about it.

No time lost to spend with the kids and hold down the mansion for the family. At least she still has the restaurant pet project. She still plans on executing that idea?

Vicki will probably never get over the fact that her daughter, Briana, ran off to Vegas and got married. She’s trying to accept the situation with forced smiles and faux support because she doesn’t want to lose Briana.

Well, Briana isn’t convinced Vicki’s relationship with Brooks is solid or healthy. No one really knows the guy. It seems like Vicki is jumping into another relationship and throwing caution to the wind.

Briana voices her concerns to Vicki, and the mother and daughter really get into it.

I mean, Vicki pulls out the screaming tactic she used on Gretchen at the Bunco party. “I’m happy for once in my life!”

That’s serious. This relationship has taken a turn and will need some repairing. But who’s willing to compromise for the other?

On the next episode: Brooks lends his support to Vicki in the aftermath of her argument with Briana, but the mother-daughter rift pushes Vicki over the edge.

Tamra sits down with Slade to hash out their past, but will they forgive and forget?

Heather decides to surprise Terry by finally taking his last name. Later, Gretchen and Slade seek couple’s counseling while Alexis attempts to mend fences with Tamra – neither effort goes well.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey – Ep. 4 “Drowning Pool”

Work-outs, venting, and childishness.

Teresa is pushing friends and family farther away. Caroline is convinced the woman is insane and completely jealous of Melissa, a younger, beautiful, better version of Teresa. Kathy, Teresa’s cousin, has not yet cut ties, but rather bites her tongue. Whereas her husband, Richie, has had it with Teresa.

Working out and venting frustrations go hand-in-hand. So while Joe Guidice pumps some weights at home, Teresa tells what happened at the Summer Solstice party.

“I know so many men who went with her. Before she was married.” Joe says about Melissa.

While Teresa goes on about the argument and how everyone’s against her, Joe puts down Melissa, Teresa’s brother, Joe, and everybody else in the childish manner we’re familiar with by now. Joe Gorga is a woman (that’s the polite version of it) and his name is really Josephine. Caroline is boring. Rosie looks like a butcher boy. Melissa is a loose woman (that’s the polite version).

Melissa tosses a football back and forth with her husband, Joe Gorga, and tells him about the big argument she had with his sister at that same Summer Solstice Party.

“Talking to Teresa is like talking to this football right here,” Joe tells Melissa.

Their conversation is a bit more adult than the former.

More walking out and venting frustrations, this time with Jacqueline and Teresa. Jacqueline lets Teresa know how upset she was for getting put in an awkward position at the Summer Solstice party. Teresa responds, “Your loyalties should lie with me as my best friend.”

There’s no getting through to Teresa, for real. Jacqueline’s trainer briefly leaves the women to find her some alcohol, or lipstick. This trainer looks totally out of it to me. Her head’s nodding off every now and then, her clothes looks sloppy for a trainer, and she’s barely working out herself.

Christopher Manzo, Caroline’s son, is trying to buy a new car — a Jaguar. But it’s just about out of his price range. It’s ridiculous in Caroline’s book.

None of Joseph or Victoria’s friends show up to the end-of-the-school-year party. Kathy’s pissed, especially when none of the other women show up, like Jacqueline or Caroline.

Richie told the kids not to invite their friends once he found out Kathy invited Teresa and Joe Guidice. Because he doesn’t want the kids’ image ruined at school and doesn’t want to publicize that they are related to the Guidices. As hilarious as it is, the show has aired and that ship has long sailed.

Jacqueline video chats with Ashlee. As soon as she starts missing her daughter, Ashlee gives off that similar “F*** you” attitude even online and Jacqueline’s feelings are if she doesn’t change she’s never coming back home.

The Gorgas and Guidices—Teresa at least—arrive at Kathy’s party with the beautiful kids. Joe Guidice is nowhere to be found.

“Here comes drama,” Richie says under his breath. This guy is hilarious.

Melissa has a hard time being around Teresa after their blow-up at the Solstice party and she can’t even fake saying nice words to her. At least the kids are all playing and having a good time. Kathy wants to be the glue and pull Melissa, Teresa, and the family together.

Richie talks with Joe Gorga about how Teresa maybe needs therapy. He’s joking, but the guy’s serious at the same time. Old-school Italians don’t believe in therapy. They just ignore each other and don’t talk for years.

Teresa tries to get her little girls and their cousins to hug for a little show of family love. It comes off as so awkward and forced. Particularly since she’s coaching Audriana to give them a hug.

Caroline and Al celebrate their twenty-seventh anniversary at the little apartment above the Brownstone, Al’s longtime owned restaurant. They reminisce on the old times, before living the luxurious life they live now.

Joe Gorga adores his nieces, especially God-daughter, Gia, so he calls Teresa over to try and talk things out again. Everyone’s looking on just to see what happens. The brother and sister are talking and there’s not yelling.

Teresa starts crying because she doesn’t want to say the wrong thing to Joe. Yet she opens her mouth up about Melissa.

So much for a peaceful chat. Teresa wants the “old Joey” back and Joe wants the old Teresa back, before the fame and image took over.

“Maybe you changed. When I got married, I put you before my husband. When you got married…” Teresa plays tit-for-tat.

Everyone’s fed up with her bull.

“You’re just the meanest brother ever,” Teresa tells Joe.

“I’m an angel from God,” Joe responds.

Teresa brings up how Joe Gorga has trash-talked her husband for eleven years. Joe tells her God will strike her if she keeps lying like that. He’s beyond fed up with her childishness, denial, and lies, and curses her as he walks away from it.

Teresa’s shocked and wants to leave the party. She searches for her kids and announces she wants to go. Once again, Teresa storms out on everyone.

On the next episode: Field day for the real housewives and their families: that means games, fun, and tug-of-war in every meaning imaginable. Jacqueline and Teresa get into an argument. Gia gets involved in the family tension she’s already aware of, thanks to Teresa.

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Real Housewives of Orange County, Ep. 13 – Whine & Cheese

Announcements, glamorous attire, and whining with cheese.

Since Tamra’s gotten her “itty bitty boobies” back, she takes Vicki along to shop for new brassieres and get properly fitted. Tamra’s shocked to learn that she’s a D and Vicki’s a FF. WTF?! This news is not going to be taken lightly since Vicki is still fuming on the inside about Briana’s Vegas marriage.

Slade goes for a bike ride with Gretchen’s father and mentions he wants to propose to Gretch. Her father sort of gives Slade a hard time about the proposal and politely brings up Slade’s unfavorable past and reputation.

Gretchen shows off the brains some of us weren’t so sure she had. Over lunch with Tamra, Gretch admits she isn’t ready to marry Slade. Why, you ask? Because of finances combining and his drama becomes her drama.

I guess it’s Vicki’s turn to throw a soirée for all of the women. It involves fine wine and cheese. So Heather should approve. Alright, Vicki’s ulterior motives are to publicly announce Briana’s marriage before it gets out, and Vicki doesn’t have the chance to control whatever gossip may arise.

The ladies all arrive in glamorous evening gowns to Vicki’s small wine event. The men are all decked in tuxes. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were attending some opera show in New York City or something.

Brooks makes sure to introduce himself to everyone he hasn’t had the pleasure of meeting — and it’s quite a bit of people. Because nobody really knows him. He takes Vicki’s son aside to chat about Briana’s secret marriage. Vicki’s son says, ‘I don’t know you dude, why are you trying to play Pops right now?’

Alexis enters the party late — fashionably early she thinks — and Tamra rationalizes that drag queens take plenty of preparation to get ready. Of course Alexis is late then. Dang!

Tap the flutes of wine. Vicki has an announcement to make. Yes, as you may have heard, Briana is now married and it happened in Vegas on a whim after her cancer scare. These are not tears of joy Vicki’s crying, people.

The room is shocked but smiles, congrats, and hugs are exchanged all around. Vicki also surprises Briana with Uncle Bill. Whew, for a minute there, we all thought Vicki was going to announce something crazy like getting uber serious with Brooks, like engaged herself. Oh God. Glad that’s not true.

Leave it to Tamra to burst out with “Are you pregnant?”

Well why else would a young couple elope — in Vegas? That had to be running through others’ minds. Fortunately it isn’t true. Briana isn’t preggers. Time for bleu cheese.

Brooks feels the need to share more Brooks-isms. He loves the kids. The kids of Vicki and Tamra whom he just met like a second ago. I think he really means it. I’m with Tamra, “Who says that?” Really, who?

The night ends with some irony as Vicki and Brooks sit across from Briana and her new husband. One couple has been seeing one another longer perhaps, but feels comfortable enough to get as serious as it gets. The other has only been dating for six months and half and in actuality don’t know each other as well as they think. Yet one of these couples is in the wrong. Hm, I dare you to guess.

On the next episode: Slade enlists Heather to go engagement ring shopping with him. Alexis throws an over-the-top birthday party for her four-year-old twins. Vicki and Briana have big fight.

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Real Housewives of New Jersey, Ep. 3 – “Third Eye Blind”

Third eyes, busybodies, and a Solstice showdown.

The Guidices are still reeling from poker night when Rich Wakili gave Joe a black eye and busted lip … on accident. Before the rest of the family arrives, Teresa discusses the magazine articles and interviews with Jacqueline who touches up her eye make-up.

Lauren is still sticking to her diet and has lost a few pounds. She’s committed, preparing vegetables and boring grilled chicken. Having struggled with her weight her entire life and being the sister of two handsome brothers only feeds Lauren’s insecurities.

Caroline highlights Laruen’s brains and talents, but not quite her looks. Stressing on the brutal in Brutal Honesty. My God. Even some encouraging words like “You’re gonna lose it. Just keep working at it like you’re doing.” Or “Remember, part of this is genetics, we’re plumper people anyway” could actually help, Caroline. Really.

Caroline sometimes wishes Lauren had been a boy so she could be held on a pedestal like Albie and Christopher, have a higher metabolism, and be so beautiful and handsome. Because she does need to lose weight. Hmmm, I think I know why Lauren’s self-esteem may be as low as it is.

The whole family is out on the ocean, okay not exactly — they have a yacht. But this still spells danger. The children — those beautiful and gorgeous children — are all over the place. Riding their scooters through the streets and huddling near water.

Audriana is ripping through couches and giving the adults a chase while Milania tries to get Antonia into devilment whenever she isn’t verbalizing her anger.

Here comes Big Sister Gia. “What are you doing? Get off of that right now!”

Milania’s hanging from the rack in the closet. Oh my god. I know that all too well, being the eldest of three.

The busybody youngsters drive Rosie to an impromptu cigarette break. Jacqueline mentions that Caroline is going through menopause and now Teresa has an excuse for all the attitude.

No Teresa, your cookbook just finally popped a pimple that had been bothering loved ones for years probably.

After the yacht day, Melissa and Jacqueline stop by Caroline’s to chat and dish out info. Caroline gives out “sage” advice, as she’s known for. Gah.

The housewives attend a Summer Solstice Party, where everyone’s dressed in white for purity and goddesses or fairies are flowing all over. The women have a “third eye” placed on their foreheads to ward off negative energy. Didn’t someone else have a third eye? Like previous housewife Danielle? I could be off.

I really feel for Jacqueline. Teresa continually asks if Melissa told Jacqueline and Caroline about the family situation. Or more specifically, did Melissa repeat that Teresa called her a gold-digger. To be honest, it’s been said before, and Melissa defended her marriage with Joe and shrugged off Teresa’s cruel comment. Why is it such a big deal now?

Jacqueline’s in an awkward position because she has a loyalty to Teresa, her friend of almost ten years, but then she likes Melissa who isn’t the complete b*tch Teresa made the woman out to be. The pressure in that friendship is boiling. Teresa better be careful, she barely has anyone left on her side — friends nor family.

When Melissa comes over and talks with Teresa face-to-face , the word “jail” comes up, and Teresa storms out. One of the Kims, another woman, and Jacqueline go after Teresa — just as she probably wants — and questions her leaving.

Either Jacqueline tells Teresa what all is said and keeps whatever they talk about discreet or she isn’t a good friend. Teresa feels Jacqueline puts herself in the middle of drama on purpose (i.e.: wishy-washy). I foresee this friendship coming to an end quickly. I’ll give it one or two more episodes.

Melissa walks out to the parking lot to talk with Teresa once more. Kim stands nearby just in case, I guess. In case of what? I’m not sure, since she’s clutching her expensive purse in protection to bolt.

There is a lot of hand dancing between the quarreling women.

Teresa brings up cheating, yet doesn’t want Melissa or anyone else to bring up the cheating rumors about Joe Guidice. She turns things around — yet again — on the other person to take the negative attention off herself.

Teresa calls Kim over to mediate (wasn’t she standing nearby for that?) and Kim backs away like “I just want to leave.”

Teresa blames the whole fight on her brother. Dang, Teresa, really?

Rosie, Kathy’s sister, drops some knowledge on Teresa. Stop twisting words around and go directly to the person to speak her mind. Don’t get someone else to do the dirty work for you.

Melissa hands Teresa’s crap to her and Teresa tries to throw it all back. This five minute argument is so good I can’t do it justice by trying to get the words down. Can you script stuff this good? Wow.

On the next episode: Jacqueline skypes with Ashlee. Teresa tells her husband, Joe, everything that went down at the Summer Solstice party. Caroline offers [unsolicited] advice.

Don’t miss next week’s exciting episode of Total Blackout, Wednesday, 10/9c on the Syfy channel and may your nightmares inspire you. Don’t miss a single recap of this show or others. Check out our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter. 

Real Housewives of Orange County, Ep. 12 – “Bombs Away”

Apologies, dropping bombs, and “Fever.”

Gretchen struts onstage in her hot little outfit and performs “Fever.” As I said before, Gretchen is solid in the looks department. Fab outfit, hair, and make-up. The vocals were not the best, and I’m being polite by even saying that.

Vicki isn’t impressed: “How can she be onstage?”

Alexis makes excuses for Gretchen along the lines of she didn’t get all the practice she could get. Heather comments to Terry, “She did a great job.” I don’t know how sincere that is.

Afterwards, everyone hugs and lets Gretchen know how proud of her they are. The ladies are playing nice. So much for honesty.

Tamra and *gasp* Vicki give Gretchen birthday gifts. Vicki apologizes to Gretchen and then demands an apology in return. Whaaaa???

Now Slade has to make a toast and obtain some of Gretchen’s spotlight like the loving boyfriend he is.

“I think you did phenomenal,” Slade tells Gretchen the next morning over mimosas and breakfast.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the whole wide world,” Gretchen beams.
 
With Brooks along, Vicki takes a walk down memory lane through the house she once planned to retire in with ex, Donn. She realizes she’s in a better place now in life. Brianna’s health is well and Vicki has a so-called great man in her life (that’s Brooks, people) so now she can literally get back to work, the office.

Despite Jim’s objections, Alexis continues to follow her career aspirations and meets with a talent coach to hone her hosting skills. Alexis keeps comparing herself to Katie Couric.

First of all, please pronounce her name correctly if you’re going to say it at all. Second of all, please understand what she actually does and realize it’s not something you can just pick up and do.

Alexis shows her Fox 5 segment tape to an advisor who subsequently says, “You’re not qualified to drive this bus.” Fair enough; I think it’s a metaphor she could easily understand. Yet, Alexis doesn’t believe she’s that bad and not cut out for journalism.

Heather and Terry have dinner with Gretchen and Slade. The Dunlows question Gretchen on what she wants to do with singing. Does she want a career in it? What’s next after the Pussycat Dolls Burlesque show?

‘Broadway’ comes out of Gretchen’s mouth. Oh dear Lord. Is she serious?

First impressions are shared among the couples, and luckily everyone can laugh about it. Heather brings up Alexis and hesitates saying what’s won her mind for once.

Terry comes in on cue with “phony” after taking a bite of his meal. Love him.

Heather’s slightly mortified because it’s true, but she didn’t want to say that flat out in from of Gretchen, Alexis’s pal.

Tamra takes her son, Bryan, furniture shopping. Tough Love isn’t easy and Tamra caves. $1600 for a couch? Really?! I’d let my guests sit on nice, plushy floor pillows.

Vicki has dinner with her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend. Brianna drops a bomb on Vicki, who’s meeting the boyfriend for like the third time. Brianna took a trip to Vegas, got a marriage license, and got hitched.

Time for those drinks to arrive now. Vicki needs a shot quick. She clearly isn’t happy about the news and I think I see smoke spewing from her ears.

On the next episode: Slade asks for Gretchen’s hand in marriage — an engagement! Gretchen doesn’t know if she wants to get married. Vicki still has a hard time accepting Brianna’s legal marriage she just found out about, and then makes her own announcement concerning Brooks.

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