Category Archives: Archive

John Heffron is the Last Comic Standing

John Heffron is the big winner of Last Comic Standing 2. He wins the talent contract, appearance on the Tonight Show, a half-hour special on Comedy Central and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax. (Sorry, I was flipping channels. He didn’t win the turtle wax. John Clingon from Valley Ridge, Rhode Island, who was on the Price is Right did.) Regardless, congratulations JOHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I get a what-what? Let’s raise the roof in honor of the new LCS king. Alonzo Bodden was the first runner-up. If John Heffron can not perform the duties of stand-up king for a season or accepts a spread in Playgirl, or something like that, then Alonzo gets the gig. (Hey, Alonzo, I know some people who know some people who know people who are related to Tammy Pescatelli, I think, and well, we could work something out. Call me, baby!)

Gary came in 3rd. He didn’t look too unhappy ‘cuz his man-crush Todd Glass voted for him. That’s all that matters. Too bad Gary & Todd’s marriage ain’t legal no more. (stupid terminator policy makers…oops….I digressed big time. This is how rumors get started.)

All three of the grand finalists got to perform. Ralphie May, my personal fave from last season, returned and did his thang. I love me some Ralphie May. He is just the shizznit, ain’t he? Talkin’ all street yo. I hate it when the white man be playing it like that…(sorry, I’m a little sleep deprived these days!)

Dat Phan won for worst sign ever this evening. Someone in the audience held up a sign that said, no lie:

I AM A “PHAN” OF “DAT”

Someone else held up a sign for the host —- I’ll have some “MOHR” or Jay. UGH! Can we get better writers for the audience members, puh-lease!?????????!

Mr. Mohr announced that there will be a challenge of comics from season one vs. comics from season two in the next installment of Last Comic Standing, beginning after the Olympics.

Stay tuned for those updates. I’ve signed on for that tour of duty. I hope I don’t regret it! 😆

Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos
These opinions are mine. You don’t have to agree with them. I promise I won’t be offended —- much!

Interview With Caleb Janus from For Love or Money 4


by aurora

Caleb Janus was the man that Rachel picked on FLOM4 – not only that, but she gave up a million bucks to be with him. Caleb himself passed on the chance at a million to be with Rachel. So why aren’t they together any more?

Hi Caleb – thanks so much for doing this interview! Why did you decide to go on a reality dating show?

My friend actually approached me about the idea and quite a few people had mentioned in the past that I should do something like that. I figured it would be a good experience, good exposure for my real estate business and you never know, I just mind find someone. I wasn’t finding anyone on my own so I figured I’d go for it.

What went through your mind when you found out the show was actually For Love or Money? Had you seen the show last summer?

I actually watched FLOM last summer. I was thinking, man, this is a much bigger deal than I thought. The show I was going on sounded a little weird and I was thinking it might not be very popular. To find out I’m on FLOM it just hit home that this was a big deal. I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the money option thrown in, but I knew I couldn’t play with a girls’ emotions just for a financial gain. I’m not capable of doing that.

Why did you choose Rachel over Andrea? Did the producers know about the men’s choices before that scene was taped?

I didnt get to know either girl very well at that point. They were bombarded with questions from all the guys. Rachel made an effort to get something from each guy. If she didn’t talk to him at lunch then she pulled him aside. I thought that was a very nice touch. The fact she had a butterfly on her shirt and my grandma gave me a good luck butterfly pin – that was enough to push her over the top. We all had to commit to who we would pick prior to the event. They just set the order up for drama. Can’t ask for anything better than 8-7.

What was your favourite date with Rachel and why?

This is a tough question because I can pull something from each date and those moments were all equally great and important in the whole game. I think the date at the Rosenthal Vineyard was the best. It was so beautiful and it was our first real alone date. I was getting more comfortable with the entire situation and I was seeing something in Rachel that was worth exploring.

Can you describe the emotional and mental toll a show like this takes on the contestants?

I never knew how mentally draining this show could be. It’s not all fun and games like everyone thinks. We are sequestered in our rooms quite often and unable to talk to the other guys as well. We didn’t have communication with the outside world, no television, no papers, no radio! We are told what to do for our entire stay there and we don’t leave the house unless we go on a date. I was there 3 weeks and I left the house 4 times.

When it gets down to the wire there are connections formed and it’s hard to have the money factor thrown in. I was there final two with Mike and I had spent more time with him than anyone at that point. I felt like he liked Rachel and I knew Rachel was liking me at that point so it was hard on me. I tried to pick both their brains and see what they were feeling. I came to the conclusion Mike would be fine no matter what the choice and that comforted me a bit. I was a little mad that Rachel would lead him on so much and convince him he was staying. I know it’s a game, but to what extent will you go to win money? I wouldn’t have led someone on as much, but that’s just me. I know she was getting pressure from the producers to do some of the things she was doing. I left the house and I honestly didn’t know if I was gonna be ok or not. It took awhile to adjust back to life.

The media always likes to poke fun at people on reality shows, and you were no exception. How have you dealt with the criticism?

I guess I have to take both the criticism and praise with a grain of salt. I know the man I am and I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I go on a two hour date and people see 2 minutes of that date. Was it my best two minutes or my worst? They had to use sound bites to develop a shy and paranoid character. There was a little bit of that going on so I guess it’s ok. I don’t think anyone can judge me because they were not in the exact position I was.

What happened after the finale? Were you and Rachel able to spend any quality time together before the show aired?

Rachel and I actually stayed an extra night in LA after the show. We didn’t really know one another all that well. We were just two good hearted people that couldn’t take money over someone that we had formed a friendship and bond with. Rachel also came to visit me twice in Phoenix. It was so hard with the long distance and trying to get back into life. I had a lot of unsettled issues I was coming home to and it was all just too much. The timing was terrible. I don’t think I put enough into it and I know she feels that way. Everything happens for a reason and Rachel will meet someone that blows her away and she will be an incredible girlfriend. I hope to maintain a friendship with her as we went through a major life changing experience together and I always have room for a friend with a heart like hers.

Why did you decide to choose Rachel over the chance at a million in the end?

Rachel was so nice to me! She comforted me in a situation where I was totally out of my element. I can’t explain how adorable and sweet she was. I was tough on her. 90% of our dates she was trying to convince me to believe her. I admit, I thought if I picked Rachel that she would win money and I just knew she would share with me. I didn’t realize she had to choose the money or me. That part stinks! I couldn’t look someone in the eye that was so nice to me and take money over her.

How hard was it to watch Rachel’s actions with all of the other men while the show was on television?

If Rachel and I were together it might be kind of hard to watch. We decided to be friends before the first part of FLOM aired so that was months ago and it doesn’t bug me. I knew it was a game and that kind of stuff was going on. It’s more the mental aspect and leading these guys on that I have a problem with. I suppose it has to happen in the game but how evil of a game is that when they mess with peoples’ emotions. These people make so much money off of us and they don’t care how they damage us and our minds. Then they are done with you and they just spit you out and you are on your own. We signed up for it so it’s our fault, but it’s still very tough.

Are you still friends with any of the guys you met on the show?

I am friends with some guys from the show. I have been in contact with quite a few. Chris lives in Phoenix and we will be seen out and about quite often I’m sure. He is a great guy and I look forward to having a good friendship with him for years to come. I didn’t get to spend as much time with Rudy as the top 5 guys but the time I did have showed me what a great guy he is. Rudy is such a character and he has a good heart. I look forward to a visit to Boston to see him and I think he will come out to Phoenix to check out my city as well. The women here will blow him away. In a few weeks I’m gonna meet up with Morgan and Mike in Vegas. Chris will be attending and I’m working on getting David out there as well. I was really wrong about David. He just rubbed me wrong when we first got there. He had what I thought was this arrogance about him, but he really is a good guy. He is funny and just fun loving. The guy is like a kid almost in that he seems like he just wants to play. He is a stud and has a way with the ladies. He also sucks at basketball, but dont play the kid in HORSE!

All the guys had a great quality about them. I’m different in many ways from all of them, yet we all have a lot in common. Alex is the party man and he is gonna put together some events for us to all get together. Look forward to showing Alex Phoenix as well.

Finally, what would you like fans and critics alike to know about you, that we didn’t get from watching you on television?

They actually did a pretty good job of portraying me. I am shy in certain instances, but I don’t think it’s quite like it comes off. My friends watch and they are like, who is that?? They know me as an outgoing, clowning around, and aggressive guy. They all know I have a good heart and that I will do anything for them. I wanted to downplay my personality on the show because I wanted everyone to think I was going home at every elimination. Watching the show and hearing comments, I think it worked. I wanted to be the underdog and stay under the radar. I dont think they thought I was a threat until they were all walking away….

I almost played the game perfectly, but I’m too much of a softy to take advantage of it. I’m glad that I won and got to the end without lying to the girl or stabbing anyone in the back. I’m proud of the way I handled the situation.

Thanks for taking the time to speak with us Caleb! Best of luck to you in the future.

Thanks for the interest in interviewing me and for being kind.

Comments are welcome! Contact me at carrie@realityshack.com.


Mind Games – Big Brother, August 10th


by aurora

Just to bring you up to speed, Scott was evicted last week, the twin twist was revealed, Nakomis won Head of Household, and nominated Diane and Marvin. Oh, and Jase continues to model extraordinarily awful headgear while primping and preening in any reflective surface he can find.

As this episode begins, Jase is marvelling at the fact that he wasn’t nominated. He got his key first! He figures that he really got through to Nakomis, at least more than Diane has. Michael is also ecstatic – they might be down one horseman, but the remaining three are as tight as ever. Oh, to be young and completely clueless! Marvin says Jase “thinks he’s as cool as Frosty”.

Karen, Will, and Nakomis outline the six-finger plan. Nakomis nominates two people who are on their side – Marvin has abandoned his Santa Monica Van Boys, and Drew cannot wait to get rid of Jase now – and when it comes time for the veto competition each of them select someone who is also part of their alliance. Whoever wins the veto uses it to take Diane off the block, and Nakomis puts up Jase. He’s trapped, and he’s out.

The plan is foolproof, even though we all know how successful previous foolproof plans have been on Big Brother. I’m sure Michelle and Marcellas could give these guys some pointers.

Jase continues to hang out in the HoH room. He really thinks he’s down with Nakomis and tells her how cool she is. She says something about having to do things even if o ther people don’t want you to do them. Meanwhile, Diane is walking around the house like she owns it, and snickers behind Jase’s back at every opportunity. Heck, who can blame her?

Cowboy and Jase talk strategy, with Jase saying he wants Diane out before Marvin. He’s truly confident that he’s there for another week at least.

The twins handle a barrage of questions from their housemates who are still trying to get used to the fact that they’ve been playing with two different ‘Adrias’. Who played in this competition? Who gave Cowboy a backrub? Which one has the smaller butt? The twins are tired of all the questions but handle them with grace and patience.

Karen and Will discuss what will happen when Jase, Cowboy, and Marvin are gone. Will thinks that things will get cutthroat, as smaller alliances become stronger. Karen says that Adria and Natalie will never go against each other.

Meanwhile, Drew suggests to Diane that maybe they should stop ‘sleeping together’ to keep the spotlight off of them as a pair to be broken up. Diane tells him that Cowboy and Marvin are the next ones gone, so the safest thing that Drew could do at this point is to stick with her. Maybe strike up an alliance with the twins.

Now it’s time for a little montage of clips of the houseguests dancing. They love to dance, and they miss having music. We see Marvin, Will, Adria, Natalie, and a few others dancing, and they actually have rhythm. Cowboy, however, shows off his “hip hop” moves. He runs around doing freakish breakdancing moves and Will is astounded, saying that Michael thinks he’s ready for Solid Gold. Cowboy claims that he’s sure he’s surprised and impressed his friends, who surely couldn’t have known that this cowboy could freak dance. I have no words to describe this scene other than ‘horrifying’.

Karen is apparently losing her marbles in the house. She spends an unusual amount of time baking cookies and cupcakes, and babbles something about seeing fireworks. Nakomis describes Karen’s emotional cycles – happy to anxious to worried to baking to depressed to needing comfort and/or crying, and back to happy again where the cycle repeats itself.

Let’s get back to Jase’s favourite topic – Jase. He’s sitting in the jacuzzi with Marvin and Cowboy when something dawns on him. What if Diane was put on the block as a pawn? Yup, Jase is finally starting to figure things out. Marvin avoids eye contact while Cowboy sits and listens.

Back in the bedroom, Jase explains what he’s figured out to Cowboy. He’s gone if someone uses the veto, which has to be the plan. Cowboy tells Jase he got “bitch-slapped”. Jase can’t believe it.

On the way to the veto competition, Jase corners Marvin and tells him that if he picks Jase to compete, Jase will take him off the block. Marvin mumbles something and walks away. Would Jase really be that stupid to take Marvin off the block, knowing that he’d go up anyway in his place? No way – chalk up another lie from Jase.

Nakomis explains the process of the veto and picks Adria to compete. Marvin chooses Will, and Diane picks her boyfriend Drew. Jase has a moment of hope seeing Drew get chosen. Earlier Jase had mentioned to Drew that he was his last hope – if Drew won the veto and didn’t use it, then Jase would be safe.

The competition involves a huge board covered in balloons. Each person competing has their picture on the balloon board, covered in a different colour. The idea is to throw darts at the board, three at a time, and pop the balloons of competing houseguests. When someone’s picture has all of the balloons covering it popped, they’re out. The last person with balloons still intact is the winner.

The competition is fun and friendly, as it really doesn’t matter who wins. The group had pre-arranged to let Drew win as, Nakomis explains, this would provide maximum drama for Jase. This is where the plan gets risky, because out of this group Drew is the most likely to waver. But everyone is convinced that Drew’s on board, and he does indeed win the veto.

Jase rushes over and hugs Drew, who plays along. Drew says that this has been the first time he’s had to outright lie to someone in the game, and it makes him uncomfortable.

Jase and Drew hang out and discuss the veto. Drew promises Jase that there’s no way he will use it, and Jase assures Drew that Diane is safe – Jase himself will even vote for Marvin. Cowboy joins in and confirms that Diane is safe so there’s no reason for Drew to use the veto.

The next clip is of bugs. Rather, bugs in the house. Will says that the house is like a petri dish, full of germs and ants and who knows what else. Adria and Natalie begin a kick-ass house cleaning, washing every surface they can find and gathering laundry and garbage from around the house. They make the place look as good as it did when they first walked in.

Adria and Natalie lie in the hammock discussing strategy. They think they should take over Scott’s role with Cowboy, and become like his big sisters. They also discuss Diane’s plan of a twin alliance with her and Drew.

Diane and Drew lay in bed discussing the veto. Drew tells Diane that he’s not sure what he should do. He knows that she is safe, so if he doesn’t use it then Marvin will be evicted. Diane says that she trusts him, and he should do what he wants to since he won it. Can you say ‘staged conversation’?

It’s time for the veto ceremony, and Drew gathers the houseplants together. Nakomis says privately that this is the culmination of a long-term plan. If Drew doesn’t use the veto, she will be very angry with him and knows five others who will be as well.

Drew tells Diane and Marvin that they can now plead their case. Diane says that Drew will lose his cuddle partner (yak) if she goes. She then goes around the circle pointing out what each person would miss if she’s gone, but skips over Jase. Jase calls her out, and Diane rolls her eyes and finishes her speech. Jase says that he feels like he wants to vomit.

Marvin’s up next, and he goes for humour. He says that he’s told Drew, “bro’s before ho’s”, and begs him to give him the veto. He throws down his hat saying “Give me the veto!” then demands his hat back. Marvin’s a funny guy, and this was good entertainment.

Drew thanks them both and says that he’s put a lot of thought into this decision. He doesn’t want to risk losing someone who has become close to his heart, so he’s going to use the veto and take Diane off the block. Diane looks like the cat who ate the canary, while Jase looks like he’s going to spontaneously combust.

Nakomis now has to make a replacement nomination. She says that she’s been doing a lot of thinking also, and has come to the conclusion that one person has changed quite a lot since the twin twist was revealed. That person is Jase. She says that being on the block amplies your actions, and this way they can all be sure that Jase wasn’t just lying to them about how he’s changed. Jase sits down next to Marvin, and for some reason he’s grinning.

As the show wraps up, Jase says it is now his mission to plant seeds of doubt about Drew before he’s evicted, since Drew obviously screwed him over with the veto. He wants to wreck Drew and Diane’s relationship while he still has time.

Tune in on Thursday to see the unremarkable eviction of Jase.

We’re looking for writers! If you want to volunteer your time to recap one of the new fall shows, drop me a line at carrie@realityshack.com.


Begs and Legs – The Amazing Race 5, Episode 6

[i]by atarus[/i]

We’re back for another episode of TAR, a wonderful show that I just really got into this season. We start off this episode at the Sphinx, where the last pit stop was. Colin and Christie have a 7-hour head start on everyone else, or so they think. As soon as the words “7-hour lead” come out of their mouths, “some way to shorten lead to make race more interesting” comes out of my mouth.

So the racers have to go to the Great Pyramid and descend 350 feet into the depths of the earth to retreive their next clue. Colin and Christie hightail it to the Pyamid only to find that it’s closed until 6 AM, which is conveniently only 40 minutes before the next team has to leave. But the CCs are chipper, and after waiting until 6, they head down into the pits to find they have to head to the Karnak Temple in Luxor, Egypt, to find their next clue. Still plucky as ever, they move on towards the airport, thinking they can probably still catch an earlier flight and have a head start over the teams.

Mirna and Schmirna are the next team to leave. And Mirna goes on some rant about how the other teams are jealous of them or something, I dunno. I tune her out every time she starts talking, so there’s less of a chance I’ll put an axe through the TV. So they’re off, with Brandon and Nicole and Chip and Kim hot on their tails.

Now, if it’s one thing I’ve realized through watching episodes of TAR, it’s that Mirna is afraid of everything. Whine about this, whine about that, Charla can you do this? I’m afraid. Charla can you do that? I’m afraid. While Charla barrels through the tunnel that is a perfect size for her, Mirna complains. Brandon’s following them with his shirt off, and Mirna says she appreciates it. (Ooh, Phil, she’s cheating on you! Give her a penalty!) My response to that is…why can’t I see Nicole with her shirt off? <3 Nicole. Marshall and Lance are next to go, and they are like the tortoise vs. the hare.....slow and steady.....slower and steadier....slower......slower....but Marshall does the drop into the earth and back out again like a champ. I'm really rooting for Marshall and Lance at this point 'cause I think they're hilarious to watch. And they are underdogs because of Marshall's knees. So people are arriving at the airport at about this time. Colin and Christie have to take a charter plane with everyone else. Mirna/Schmirna, Brandon/Nicole, and Chip/Kim all arrive at the old airport and aren't sure if they're in the right place. Schmirna gets the bright idea to steal the cab of whoever arrives next to leave, but Colin decides to leave his bag in the trunk, thwarting their rude idea. We get to see that special brand of reality TV fighting, and Mirna complains that she's back in high school from all the bullying. (This is coming from the girl that primps herself before meeting Phil.) Kami and Karli are now out looking for the Great Pyramid, and somehow they can't find it. In the middle of the desert.....nothing around......and yet they still almost get lost trying to find a giant thing sticking out of the sand. ....*facepalm* After them come the plucky bowling moms, who despite having no money, are enthusiastically begging for cash, and manage to hit up some tourists for enough money. However, their taxi driver is almost stupid enough to make them dead last and on a very later plane.....but it turns out the flight has been delayed, so all 7 teams are on a level playing field. So everyone arrives in Luxor, and it's a taxi cab race to the temple! And it's Mirna and Schmirna in the lead, with the moms coming in a close second....and then Chip and Kim's driver breaks all kinds of crazy laws to put them way out in front. (I think Chip and Kim have gotten all the crazy fast drivers so far.) They reach the Karnak Temple, and are confused as to where to find tickets. The twins locate it first, and then everyone piles on after them. Colin elbows Mirna in the face, and Mirna's response is that he's jealous of her. (Jealousy Count: 2) Inside is a Detour! Herd It or Haul It. The teams either have to herd sheep into a little boat, or haul water on a donkey. I see herding sheep and think "sheesh, that looks way hard." I see hauling water, and I think "teams would be crazy not to pick this." Only 2 teams choose the water, obviously. Of course, I can see the rationale in Marshall and Lance choosing the sheep because of less walking. But the others.....eh. Whatever works! On a side note, Chip makes me roll over laughing with his "riding a Fushu* to a Meshu* and taking a Dushu*...I don't know anything in this language!" (*not exactly what he said, but you get the point) Colin and Christie and Brandon and Nicole are the waterhaulers. Colin and Christie work without arguing (for once!) and Nicole tries to castrate Brandon by methods of donkey. "I want to have kids!" he cries, and she laughs at him. Needless to say, my observation of the water thing being quicker is right, as the two teams finish and head on their way to the next stop...the Habu Temple! So Chip kicks butt hauling in the sheep and goats, as do Linda and Karen and Kami and Karli. And what does Mirna do? Complain. Schmirna lets a sheep go, and Mirna is saying this is too tiring. Every time I see Mirna, I want to think that she's cute.....but then she opens her mouth. So I stick to looking at Nicole. Anyway, long story short, Charla and Mirna get the goats on the boat and get going long before Marshall and Lance work their way to the boats. I'm really feeling for the poor guys at this point. Once arriving at the Habu Temple, Colin and Christie discover a Roadblock.....Dig For Stone Scarab. Colin volunteers and as he's running to the dig site, he says "What's a scarab? A sword?" ....*facepalm #2* But then Brandon doesn't know what one is either.....and I just shake my head. Haven't these people seen The Mummy at least? Come on. Chip and Kim arrive shortly thereafter, and Colin, Brandon, and Kim are digging like there's no tomorrow. Colin comes up with the scarab, and shows Brandon and Kim, and then CC split like a banana to the next pit stop, which is on Crocodile Island in the Nile River. After CC leave, Kami and Karli, Mirna and Schmirna, and Linda and Karen show up, but not necessarily in that order. And it's a race to see who can dig the fastest. Kim comes up with the scarab, and hides it from the others who don't know what one is....Schmirna exclaims "It's..it's like a rock!" to help encourage Mirna to dig faster. The twins discover the next one, and Brandon finds the one after that, leaving Mirna and Linda (or Karen? I don't know the moms apart) digging in the site. Mirna is complaining some more, but this time Linda is outcomplaining her! Finally Mirna discovers her scarab, and it's just the moms digging. We're treated to watching Colin and Christie arrive first, yet again, and they win a vacation trip to somewhere that I can't remember. Chip and Kim come in second, followed by Kami and Karli in third, Brandon and Nicole in fourth, and Mirna and Schmirna in fifth. All the while, as they're finishing, we watch Linda complaining while digging that she can't find the scarab. And I am just laughing to myself because I presume it's under that big mound of sand that's now in the middle of her dig site. Marshall and Lance are plodding along, slowly but steadily, and we are treated to a shot of them arriving near dark, and Linda still digging, until finally she finds the scarab and the moms are off to the Nile and to Crocodile Island, coming in sixth place. Not bad for not having any money and being dead last. Marshall and Lance are now the losers. *sad face* Lance digs for a while, then counts the other dig sites and sees that six have already been dug, and just decides to give up. Phil comes out to them, and says it's the first time a team has been physically unable to complete a leg. Marshall's knees are killing him, and the fat Jewish brothers that can change a tire are eliminated. Next week....uhhh, well, my tape ended a bit early so I missed the preview....but I can fill in blanks. Mirna and Schmirna complain and/or fight with somebody. Brandon and Nicole say how great the other person is, and Colin and Christie are hot-headed at somebody or each other. Sound good? Yeah, me too. That's all from me for now! This is my first official column/recap, so go easy on me. Any comments/complaints/questions, hit me up at atarus33@yahoo.com. And toodles!

Grand Finales – C'mon John Heffron

So, this was it. The big grand finale. That’s cool. I was about ready. Weren’t you?

Jay Mohr and crew spent the first hour and 15 minutes leading up to the performances. Two surprise guests returned. One was Grandma Lee, an almost-made-it to Vegas from the Florida auditions.

She’s a hoot. She has a Mo (Three Stooges’) style hair cut. She talks about her grandkids a lot. However, she’s not the sweet warm cookies n’ quiltin’-type of Grandma. Not by a longshot. She quips that she’s finally reached an age where “she can sneeze, poop, pee, fart and cough all that the same time”. Now, that’s what I call time management!

She also talks about how soft child-rearing is these days and mentions how she whacks her grandson when he bites his sister. She quips, “Grandma’s got a brand new game – Sudden Death!” It was nice to see her again. If y’all are in Florida, check her out at the ComedyZone Jacksonville, her regular club.

They kept showing clips of the Best of the Worst. Now, I honestly don’t want to see these things. They aren’t funny. They’re just downright painful, especially the Schwarzenegger impressions. Ugh! It made me want to change the channel, but there was nothing else on.

Then, Marina Franklin showed up. She got all the way to Vegas but not to the house. I find her about as funny as Bonnie McFarlane (and that’s not saying much!) Marina devoted a bit of her act to impersonating a southern Baptist preacher. Her singing is good. Perhaps, she missed her calling and should audition for [b]American Idol[/b].

Another clip break. This one was devoted to fan favorite and sentimental hero, Jay London. Jay was one of the best things about Last Comic Standing 2 and one heck of a great sport. Seeing him is always like seeing an old friend. They showed more clips from his Roast @ the Friars Club too.

The stalling tactics continued. Jim Norton performed. He talked about being sick ‘cuz he wasn’t feeling well. A good comic can take material from his life right then and make it real for the audience. (I’m not saying he hadn’t used the schtick before, but when playing to an audience, the choice of your material is vital. The honest approach is always a good one. I applaud him for it.)

The producers also showed a clip of Jim being told that he was ‘too successful’ for Last Comic Standing and had to leave. My only question was this – did they not realize this before? Also, Todd Glass, Kathleen Madigan and John Heffron have all had moderate success prior to the show as well so…how successful is too successful for Last Comic Standing? Hmmm.

I liked the clip section about comics imitating comics. Todd’s impression of Corey Holcomb was hysterical. Some crushes were revealed. Here goes – Todd had a bit of lust for Bonnie McFarlane so I guess the rumors of Todd loving Tammy are just that – rumors. Gary had a ‘man-crush’ on Todd. Duh! Anyone with eyes could see that.

Ant quipped that he found Jay London absolutely “adorable”. Jay said Tammy made him feel warm inside. I guess that’s why he made her a grilled cheese sandwich. How cute!

Kathleen fell in love with the dog, Rusty. She did have a good point by saying he “had the best body in the house.” Now, that’s catty! Take that, Big Brother.

Some of the pet peeves that came up in the house included:
John Heffron’s addiction to ‘martial arts’.
Jay’s eating style. Yes, he does eat with his mouth open. What a shocker!
Ant’s forced cackle.

Everyone agreed basically that their least favorite joke belonged to Ant. It was the:

[i]So, how many of you recognize my accent? (pause) San Francisco. You didn’t need Scooby Doo to figure out that mystery.[/i]

Then, Alonzo, Gary and John performed. It was about time. Alonzo was up first. He had some good material about shopping with women and how there’s no right way to hold a purse and look cool or masculine. His writing is brilliant, but he was just not as on as I’d seen him at other times.

Gary did his cookie bit. This time, he talked about Fig Newtons. (Doesn’t he know I’m low-carbing it? My goodness.)
He’s also got a girlfriend, ladies. Sorry. That made my husband’s day. As if. Gary looked sharp in Hugo Boss and had a solid set. Again, I’ve seen him funnier, but he was fighting off some nerves, I think.

The final finalist of the grand finale was up. John Heffron everybody. John had a solid and hysterical set. I laughed my butt off. He talked about marriage. I guess I can relate. He also mentioned that he’s neurotic and child-like. I can relate to that too. John was back to his old self and in near-perfect form. He’s gonna be hard to beat.

Remember – you can vote three times by phone for up to two hours after the broadcast. You can also text message for the same amount of time. Internet voting takes place VoteNbc.com. Three votes per email addy is all you can do. (Hey, if you’re me, that’s like 69 votes or something!) The Internet vote closes tomorrow at 1 pm EST/10 am PST.

The results show is on Thursday night.

[b]NOTE WELL – LCS 3 starts August 31. It is a Last Comic challenge between the finalists of last season and this one. MY GOD! That’ll be sweeeeeeeeeeet.[/b]

We’ll Always Have the Hut – For Love or Money 4, Finale


by aurora

The finale is here, the finale is here! And they’ve gone back to the dreaded two-hour format. Best settle in, ‘cause it’s a long ride to the end.

Three guys remain – Caleb, David, and Mike. Caleb and David are holding checks worth an astounding single dollar, while Mike has been sitting pretty with his $250,000 since day one. It’s getting down to the wire, and the producers decide to shake things up a bit. That’s right, new checks.

Jordan arrives to meet up with our heroes and invite them to join him in the vault. (Yes, I know that sounds like the premise for a horrible porn movie…bow chicka wow wow…) Jordan’s hair has been dyed again, a rather unnatural shade of almost-blue black, and he’s returned to wearing his impeccably pressed suits with bad ties.

The guys all figure out that going to the vault means that there’s something coming up regarding their checks. See, they’re not just cute, but smart too! Caleb says that he and his dollar aren’t too nervous about heading off to the vault room.

In the vault room (every home should have a vault room, by the way), Jordan opens up a small cabinet-type dealie and shows the men four new checks. Just like in FLOM3, the guys now have the chance to swap their checks for new ones. Two of the new checks are worth a dollar, and the other two are worth a cool million.

Mike is up first, and he seems to struggle with his decision. Cue voice-overs from Caleb and David, saying that Mike would be crazy to swap his check when he knows that he has a guaranteed $250,000. Apparently Mike is indeed crazy, as he opts for a new check.

The decision is a no-brainer for David and Caleb – worst case scenario would be that they still end up with a buck. Caleb and Mike are shocked that David decided to swap though – they both thought he had at least half a million. Back upstairs, David grins and asks the other two guys how much they thought he had. They tell him, and he holds up one finger (no, not that finger). Mike and Caleb are sufficiently surprised.

It’s time now for the fantasy dates, an idea ripped out of the pages of The Bachelor, but still a time-honoured tradition for any dating show. David gets his 24-hour date with Rachel first, and he heads out to meet her in the limo. Rachel reminds us that she feels David is saying all the right things, but she fears he’s doing that just to win his check.

They arrive at a spa resort, and check in. They go walking on the beach and end up sitting on the sand watching the waves roll in. Rachel is peppering David with questions, and he tells her that he has a mental checklist of what he wants in a woman – and she fits the bill. David’s laying it on thick for sure, but it’s hard to tell if he really means what he’s saying. Rachel gets the same vibe from him.

The two of them end up back at the resort, cuddling and kissing in front of the fire. David comments privately that the kisses are nice, but they don’t make him feel weak in the knees. Rachel seems to be enjoying them though, as we see several shots of her biting David’s bottom lip.

David and Rachel head back to the mansion the next morning (after spending the night in separate rooms), and Rachel drapes her legs all over him while she lays back on the limo seat. It seems that two of Rachel’s favourite flirting techniques are hanging her legs over a guy and playing with her hair.

As David goes back into the house Caleb comes out for his date, while Rachel touches up her lipstick. Caleb has been doing a lot of thinking, and is having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Rachel is still making out with three guys. Is she telling them all the same things? If she is, then she’s being disingenuous with at least one of them. Is it him? The questions plague Caleb as he greets Rachel in the driveway.

Rachel is happy to see Caleb and tries to kiss him – uh oh, Caleb’s not into it. He ducks and gets into the car. Rachel keeps trying to get kisses out of the poor guy, but he’s not having any of it. He’s not mean to her, he just doesn’t want to make out apparently. Good on ya Caleb. Rachel doesn’t understand it – they had such a great date last time and now he’s playing hard to get again.

They go for a walk (holding hands, so things aren’t as bad as they might seem) and end up having dinner together. Now, I have to go a little astray here and mention one of Rachel’s quirks that annoys the heck out of me. It’s petty and I know it, but I’ve held off mentioning this long enough. When Rachel eats, she hunches down right over her plate, and holds her fork so that her elbow jets out high into the air. Then instead of lifting the fork to her mouth, she lowers her head to the fork. There, I said it. And I feel better. I like Rachel a lot, but every time they show her eating I cringe. Now where were we?

Right, dinner. Caleb is still stand-offish, and says things like “how do I know you haven’t said this to the other guys too?”. Privately Rachel seems annoyed – she’s getting close to the million-dollar moment, and Caleb’s hesitation is throwing a kink in her plan. She tells him flat out that her feelings for him are genuine, and he can choose whether to believe it or not.

Eventually Caleb comes ‘round, and as they head back to their cabin they kiss – a real kiss, none of this peck on the cheek stuff. They end up at the cabin, and make out some more. In the morning they leave together – no separate rooms this time! As they walk back to the limo, Caleb says, “We’ll always have the hut!”.

It’s Mike’s turn, and after leaving Caleb at the door Rachel fixes her lipstick again. Mike comes out and Rachel greets him warmly – all the while Caleb is watching out the window and looking a little gloomy. You’ve gotta feel badly for Caleb – his emotions seem to be going through the wringer.

Mike and Rachel head off to their hotel and go stand on the balcony. They see a tour bus outside, and decide to be spontaneous and hop on. For Rachel, this is the perfect time to lay on the charm. She gushes to Mike about how much she likes him, how great he is, and how beautiful he is. Privately she admits that she wasn’t being completely honest – no kidding! Poor Mike – now he thinks that Rachel is so into him that he doesn’t need to play any harder.

Mike admits privately that, although he thought swapping his check for an unknown amount would alleviate the pressure of the money, it’s had the opposite effect. Now he can’t stop thinking that he might be holding a check for a million bucks.

Over dinner, Rachel asks Mike if he likes her. She tells the camera that “maybe Mike would feel bad and pick me over the money, because I’m just so gosh-darned sweet!” Uh, yeah, sure. Anyway, Mike whispers in Rachel’s ear, asking if he’s the one. He tells her to wink once for yes, and twice for no. Is Rachel totally playing this guy? **wink** Yup, she sure is.

Back at the hotel, Mike nearly slips up and shows his hand. He tells Rachel that he could never giver her up, but privately says that he almost uttered ‘for money’ at the end of it. Rachel confesses to the cameras that she doesn’t think Mike’s the one, but she does think he would choose her over the money.

After the dates are done, it’s once again Elimination Night. Tuxes are donned, and doubts are expressed. Caleb says that if Rachel is true to her word, then he’s safe. Both David and Mike seem to think that Caleb is on his way out though, because he hasn’t given Rachel what she’s been looking for. (Which is apparently undying declarations of love, from what I can gather.)

Each guy gets a chance to talk to Rachel, quickly, before the elimination. The ‘fireside chats’ don’t go swimmingly for Rachel, as she complains that Caleb doesn’t step up and lay it out for her (he simply says that if she wants to keep him, great), and Mike tells her to keep him if she ‘wants to have some fun’ with him. Not what she wanted to hear! Rachel has been keeping Mike around as a safety net – he’s been the most forward with her physically and she thinks she has him where she wants him. Now she thinks he’s not as serious about her as she originally assumed he was. What’s a girl to do?

The men line up outside and Rachel comes out, thanking them for spending more time with her. She calls down Mike first, and tells him again that they have a natural chemistry and that she has strong feelings for him. Caleb winces in the background as Rachel tells Mike he’s safe, gets to keep the ring, and be tortured by his unknown check amount for a bit longer.

David’s next. Rachel had a lot of fun with him and thinks they have a lot in common. She loves that they have a strong friendship, but that’s really what it amounts to – friendship. She’s looking for passion, and she just doesn’t feel that they click on that level. As David takes off to burn his mystery check, he wonders how Rachel could only feel friendship for him since she couldn’t stop kissing him.

Caleb is finally called down and Rachel gushes about how much she likes being with him, and that he’s once again wowed her. I’m thinking of sending Rachel a thesaurus this Christmas. C’mon, Caleb impressed, amazed, dazzled, excited, and inspired you Rachel! Wowed has got to go.

Anyway, Caleb is obviously safe and keeps his ring. Rachel thanks the two of them and says how pleased she is that they’re the last two guys left.

Back ‘home’, Caleb and Mike seem to be zoning out. All they ever seem to do in that house is sit around and think about the money. Surely they got to do more than that? Caleb ponders the possibility of picking Rachel and then having the relationship end after four months. Mike says at least they would have had that four months. Both guys are waffling, unsure of the strength of their feelings for Rachel, and worried at the possibility of choosing a check only to find out it’s worth a dollar.

In one of the funnier bits of the show, Mike says privately that he’s 27 and hasn’t had a lasting relationship yet. He calls himself ‘relationship retarded’, and wonders why he thinks this one would work when none of his others have.

In a scene that was probably meant to add drama but proved rather useless, Caleb and Mike are called down to meet with Jordan. Jordan gives them both their checks and asks them to feel them – do they feel like million dollar checks? Mike thinks his feels heavy – it must be a million. Caleb has no idea, and doesn’t want to guess.

Rachel is called down next, and she’s given her check as well. She smiles when she sees the pretty blue paper with her name and “One Million Dollars” written on it. She’s conflicted though – she does have feelings for these guys and doesn’t want to walk away with nothing again. Jordan reminds Rachel that if she chooses the money, she will never be able to see the man she picked again. How do they enforce this? Do they put all the guys in the witness protection program after the show? Do they hire a private detective to follow Rachel around for the rest of her life? I’m baffled.

Rachel is then told that she can join the guys for lunch. The meal can only be described as uncomfortable, as Rachel and Caleb are silent while Mike tries to goof off. Mike is much more endearing when he’s being a goofball, but apparently this isn’t the time or place for his antics. While Mike squirts chocolate syrup straight from the bottle into his mouth, Rachel holds her head in her hands. Meanwhile, Caleb is picking at his lunch, not in the mood to eat any longer. He says he was starving before Rachel arrived, but he’s suddenly lost his appetite.

Rachel starts to tear up and excuses herself. She tells the camera that this sucks right now – she really didn’t want to have feelings for these guys, and now things are getting too hard for her.

She comes back and asks Mike to go for a walk with her. She tells him that his comment during their fireside chat left her confused – does he just want to have fun with her? Does he have any reservations about her or a relationship with her? He admits he does, and privately says that that was likely the wrong thing to say, but he decided to go with it anyway. Rachel is left even more confused, even though Mike is obviously interested in her and makes that very clear. Maybe he’s still thinking of the wink she gave him on their fantasy date, confirming to him that he’s the one. Mike should know by now that Rachel needs very explicit verbal confirmation of his feelings for her.

Time for a private talk with Caleb. They sit together and Caleb lays things out for her. He says that she has both of the guys convinced that they’re the one, so he wonders which one of them is being played. Rachel tells him that she’s being true to him, and that her feelings are real. Caleb seems okay with this – either that or he realizes that it’s so close to the end that there’s not much point in dragging this discussion out again. Rachel is now uncertain though – Caleb seems to change his mind awfully quickly. He’s the wildcard, and she’s a little scared.

The morning of the final elimination dawns. Both of the men are unsure of what they will do if Rachel chooses them. Mike seems to think that he will indeed be the last man standing, but he just doesn’t know what to do – take the girl or the cash. Caleb is totally unsure and nervous. However, he’s made up his mind what he will do if he has to make the choice. He just hopes that he doesn’t live to regret it.

Jordan meets with the guys for the last time. He gives them their checks and tells them to put them in their pockets. Later on, one man will have to roast his while the other will need it as a prop for the dramatic finale. Jordan then tells them that they will be called out one at a time to meet with Rachel and hear her final decision. They will finally find out if they’re here For Love………..or Money. But now they must go to their rooms and wait. Caleb and Mike share a hug and wish each other the best.

Rachel is ready to meet her guys one last time. She’s worried about the possibility of leaving empty-handed, but she’s made up her mind. She feels that one of the guys is an awful lot like her, and she’s a bit scared.

Time for split screens and fades to black and white – classic For Love or Money finale stuff!

Mike’s up first. Rachel recants how she felt when she first saw him, how she was struck by how beautiful he was and that she felt an immediate chemistry with him. She had fun with him on their lawn-bowling date, but wasn’t sure if there was a potential for a relationship there. The second date that day, however, opened her eyes to the possibility. The fantasy date was great, and she had a lot of fun with him. But…

~~Mike fades to black and white, the screen splits, and here comes Caleb…~~

Caleb looks like he’s about to be sick. Rachel tries to comfort him a bit before plunging into her speech. When she first saw him, she thought he was incredibly cute. On their dates, she needed him to open up to her more and he did (which wowed her of course!). On their fantasy date, he was standoffish and that made her worry…however…

~~Split screen, black and white, time for a commercial. We return to Mike…~~

At that blasted fireside chat, Rachel started to worry about Mike’s intentions. Then when they chatted the next day, she felt like he was telling her that he wasn’t the one for her. Rachel starts to cry a bit, and Mike apologizes profusely for giving her the wrong impression and for hurting her. Rachel tells him that she cares about him, but doesn’t feel that they are right for each other. Mike hands his ring back and they hug.

Mike goes back to the vault room to torch his check. He seems okay with what just happened, and promises that he’s going to give 110% from now on when it comes to relationships. He finds out that his check was worth a dollar, and he’s glad – he hopes Caleb is holding a million.

Speaking of Caleb, we’re back to him and Rachel. Rachel says that his lack of trust frightened her. She loves what he said on their last date though, that he had an opening for a best friend. When she first saw him, she thought he was the one, and she still thinks he’s the one. She’s choosing him.

Caleb looks happy and relieved, and hugs Rachel. He tells her how flattered he is, but…there’s something he needs to explain to her. As Rachel looks on wide-eyed, Caleb tells his tale of coming into the show thinking it was a simple dating show, and then finding out it was For Love or Money. He tells her about his original check being for a million (to which Rachel utters “Oh My God!”), how he ended up with a dollar, and then finally a mystery check. As he is telling his story, Rachel is looking like she’s going to pass out. She nervously winds her fingers through her hair, hands shaking.

Caleb goes on to say that a million dollars is a lot of money, and that he could do a lot with it. He’s gone to bed every night with a million-dollar view. But in the end, all he can think about is Rachel. He crumples his check and tosses it on the table beside them. He chooses her!

Now it’s Rachel’s turn – she has something to tell Caleb as well. Caleb looks at her in disbelief. “I knew it!” he exclaims, as she tells him that she too was one of sixteen girls, yadda yadda yadda. He calls her out on her feigning surprise about his confession, but she tells him not to worry, and to just wait. She says that she too has a check, and it’s for a million bucks. Would he like to see it? “No”, says Caleb. She pulls it out anyway, and says that the money would go a long way with her. Her mom has worked all her life and doesn’t want to work any more (don’t we all?).

But…she crumples her check and throws it on the table beside Caleb’s. She doesn’t want the money – it won’t make her happy. She wants Caleb.

They hug and kiss, and Caleb ponders the fact that if they were willing to give up so much for each other right from the start, things can only get better. Rachel says that she has no regrets, and that love is much more important than money. They head off together for the waiting limo as the credits roll.

Oh, the value of Caleb’s check? A dollar.

And so ends another summer of For Love or Money. No one walked away a million dollars richer, but two love connections were apparently made. Will they last? Who knows.

We’re looking for writers! If you want to volunteer your time to recap one of the new fall shows, drop me a line at carrie@realityshack.com.


Assistant – Roughing and Bluffing It

The show starts right off with an elimination. He decides to test the assistants on how fast they can get dressed and to his bedroom when he sets off the ‘bat’ alarm. Poor Stefani got ousted ‘cuz she was last in. Oh well! She can always get work as an Elvira impersonator. The goth thing is soooooooo last decade. C’mon.

Anyhooooo, Andy decides to take his ‘kids’ camping. They get on the bus and everyone, but Andy starts singing camping songs. I don’t know if they are or not ‘cuz I’m a city kid who never went camping. I guess they were camp-type songs.

Andy gets so mad and tells them to stop singing, but he wants everyone to be happy. I think Andy needs a new gig, as a spokesperson for Prozac. He sure could use some –often!

He proceeds to take a nap. They get to camp and he takes another nap. He tells ths assistants to set up his tent. He’s not exactly roughing it. That tent looked better than the house I grew up and my last apartment. My god! He even brought a microwave.

He gets a few phone calls during the show from his agent which are bad news. It seems Andy’s missing out on movie work because of his commitment to this show. That’s too bad. I really wanted to see him in “In the Army 2- I said ‘yo mama’, not Osama”.

He takes it out on his assistants. What a shocker! He tests their ability to tell the truth. Apparently, he believes that honesty is a skill that Hollywood appreciates. Now, that’s funny.

They get back to the house and he hires a lie detector dude a la Meet the Parents & Meet my Folks…(It’s been sooooooooooooo done!). He clips Anna because he says she’s the least honest of the remaining assistants. He bemoans the choice because she’s so hot.

Too bad, Andy. I feel for you, really I do.

GUG – Episode 3

Victoria is single and looking for love. This hottie walks into the STAR/Men’s Fitness Offices and shows off his impressive six-pack abs and portfolio. He asks for Victoria’s info. She’s awfully flattered and a bit taken a back. AWWWWW! Ain’t lust grand?

She goes back into her office and writes her info on a sticky note that she adheres to the guy’s chest. Then, they talk about landscaping. He says he’s got a landscaping business. So, they make an ‘appt’ for Saturday.

At home, Victoria and John, her middle son, get into it over a tattoo. She doesn’t want him to get one; but he wants one soooooooooo bad. He wants to get this huge cross in honor of Grandpa (John Gotti). Still a NO.
Well, John John’s not so good at the hearing. What 17 year-old is? Anyway, John John decides to get a tat anyway. (You’ll have to wait for Vicky’s reaction, ‘cuz I’m movin’ on for a bit.)

The ‘landscapers’ come. Victoria and her friend Tula are all decked out like it’s a date and they watch the guys get all sweaty. It’s kind of funny watching them salivate over these young men like the women in that Coke commercial with Lucky Vanous. (Wow! Can I pull out a pop culture reference out of my a$$ or what?)

The best had to be when Tula says. It’s like Campbell’s soup, “MMM MMM Good!”

The guys spend more time playing bball with John and his friend Larry. After all, they are closer in age to them. I guess Victoria’s gonna need a new landscaper again. (I smell a throwback to Murphy Brown’s ongoing secretary gag…I just hope that PeeWee Herman doesn’t make a guest appearance on this show. That’d be really freaky!)

Somehow, Victoria and her friend make a date for an outing with these guys. The boys show up late. An 1 1/2 to be exact. Now, Victoria’s not patient. (Remember the Ed fiasco) So, she tries to explain to them about how they should treat a lady. She started lecturing them like they were her sons.

I guess that relationship’s not gonna happen. Oh well, I was so hoping for a new Demi/Ashton thing. Victoria says that she’s not like that. She wants her men to have something more ‘under the hood’ so to speak. I say, ‘that doesn’t mean you can’t take him for a test drive once-or twice’.

Back to the tat. John goes to get the tat with his buddy Larry and family friend Vito. (Sorry, but why did Vito want to be known as just a FAMILY FRIEND? C’mon. Don’t invite the stereotypes in if you don’t want them there….just my observation)

He lied to his mama about it. She finds out and goes ballistic. Rightly so. You go, Victoria. Show him who’s boss. His argument is – “Well, I got a smaller tattoo. That should count for somethin’, ma.”

Indeed.

Did I mention that I love this show? It reminds me of my upbringing in Boston.

Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos
—the opinions expressed in this piece are mine and mine alone. Thank you. 😆

Reality-itis Can Be Fatal

Yes, researchers at the Mark Burnett (not that Mark Burnett) Institute for TV Related Disorders and Ways to Mess with the Media have discovered a new, potentially fatal condition called Reality-itis.

“We suspect that millions upon millions of people worldwide are struggling with this disease. It robs them of their lives and so much more,” Jeff Probe, the center’s director, announced today at a press conference.

Symptoms of this condition include:

= blathering on like an idiot
= fear of sitcoms and dramas
= depression during the off-seasons of Survivor, American Idol, Bachelor/ette and/or America’s Next Top Model (this last one is reserved for those who have the disease in the most extreme measures).
= an ability to understand Randy Jackson when he speaks
= extreme irritability when America votes off your favorite contestant (like Latoya or Jay London {no relation}, Jennifer Hudson, Rupert Boneham or any other reality tv fave)

Do you suspect that you have this condition? If so, take the following quiz: (Answer yes or no to the questions)

1) Do you remember the names of the last three Bachelor’s?
2) For men – Do you style your hair like Ryan Seacrest?
3) Have you ever had nightmares with a naked Richard Hatch?
4) Do you know the difference between Average Joe, Joe Schmo, Joe Millionaire and For Love or Money?
5) For women – Do you wish that your husband proposed to you like Boston Rob did to Amber?
6) Did you believe for a second that Johnny Fairplay’s grandma was dead?
7) Have you ever craved a cockroach, rat or maggot?
8) Have you ever eaten a cockroach, rat or maggot just because? (Childhood doesn’t count)
9) Have you voted for any contestant on American Idol, Last Comic Standing or any other show MORE THAN ONCE?
10) Can you name the hosts of Amazing Race, Big Brother and The Bachelor?

If you’ve answered yes to 3-5 questions, then you have a mild case of reality-itis. Watch three sitcoms a week, take an advil and some pepto-bismol. You’ll be fine.

If you’ve answered yes to 6-8 questions, your case is moderate. You must go out at least once a week and NOT to a friend’s house to watch your favorite show. You will also need to watch a high stakes drama like CSI: Arkansas or Law & Order: Jaywalking at least twice a month. If your symptoms persist, you may need to skip a season of Survivor or American Idol.

Now, if you answered yes to 9-10 questions, your treatment is quite severe. You will need to become a Reality TV contestant. Sorry, but that’s the only known cure.

Bet Your Life – Don't

I watched this movie from beginning to end. I think I deserve combat pay. I’m going to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of this god-awful movie. It was terrible. The writing was senseless; the plot thin and contrived, and the action sequences were far too predictable. Yuck. I haven’t been this saddened by a film since I rented [b]Legally Blonde 2 – Red, White & Blond[/b].

This movie was the culmination of the Next Action Star reality series. I guess it fits. NBC took a rating stinker of a reality tv show and made a ratings stinker of a movie to match it. UGH! I want my money back for all of the Matrix movies.

The acting was fine. It’s not like Oscar-contenders were needed to carry this crap. However, Billy Zane as the mad-cap, over the top, bad guy was perfect. He was the brightest light in this dim movie.

Corinne and Sean did a commendable job given the material and the situation. I do hope that they show up on other projects in the future because I feel that their talents were NOT utilized in this picture.

I bet you are wondering what the movie was about right about now, huh? Just so you know, I’m stalling until my Prozac kicks in ‘cuz I’m not sure if my weakened emotional state can handle reliving this thing yet.

Okay, here goes. [b]Bet your Life[/b] centers around Sean’s character, Sonny Briggs. Sonny’s an ex-football player turned limo driver and gambling addict. He owes lots of money to a loan shark. The loan shark wants to kill him. So, he sends Carmen, played by Corinne, to kill Sonny. While Sonny’s trying to head her off, he comes into contact with this guy who has a gold card for a nearby private casino. The guy gets killed by some dude in a helicopter.

Sonny freaks and runs into the casino. It’s owned by Joseph, the freak in the helicopter. He’s played by Billy Zane. He is unbalanced but in a very bady way. Sonny catches his eye, so to speak.

Why you may ask? Well, it’s not because Sonny’s cute. Joseph is a hunter. His prey – humans. (Wasn’t that a movie already starring Ice-T called “Surviving the Game”? That had a plot, at least.) Somehow, Joseph gets Sonny to bet his life. All Sonny has to do is avoid being killed by Joseph for the next 24 hours. If he does it, he wins 2.4 million.

Now, Sonny’s being chased by Joseph and Carmen. Great! He gets a fifteen minute head start. He cashes out his winnings at the casino (I told you he was a gambling addict, right?) Then, he goes to the airport. There’s a car chase, of course. He gets on a plane – to Cleveland. The best line of the movie is when Joseph says, “We’re going to Cleveland. That’s just cruel.” (Sorry, Cleveland, but it was FUNNY)

Cleveland jokes aside, the plane ride was predictable with Carmen catching the same plane as Sonny. Once they land, Sonny takes off in a cab driven by Jared Elliott, one of his housemates from [b]Next Action Star[/b]. They get chased and the cab gets destroyed.

Sonny takes off on foot. He ‘rents’ a camper and both Carmen and Joseph catch him on a bridge. He survives and somehow persuades Carmen to help him win this bet and he’ll split the 2.4 mil with her. She agrees to a 50/50 split.

Again, Joseph finds him, but he never kills him. He’s a terrible shot for someone who hunts people for sport. It’s amazing. Anyway, Sonny finally realizes that he’s wearing a tracking device. Two were planted on him at the Casino by some Las Vegas honeys, one of which was played by another housemate, Jeanne Bauer. It took him over an hour to figure this out. Mensa, watch out! There’s another genius in town.

Then, there’s more action sequences. Carmen finally reads the rules of the game. I’m so glad she was there, ‘cuz Sonny had the rules for hours and never once bothered to look at ’em himself. You know what they say about men and directions!

Anyway, they learn that the final rule is that the hunted have to return to the Casino at the end of the 24-hours or the prize is forfeit. So, Carmen and Sonny hijack Joseph’s jet because he mysteriously shows up. (GPS tracking devices have really improved a stalker’s abilities. Isn’t technology wonderful?)

Back in Vegas, they somehow get away from Joseph’s cronies, but who cares. By this time, I’m ready to shoot Sonny myself because I’m tired of this movie and I’m wishing I hadn’t agreed to review it. Anyway, Sonny wins the cash, and perhaps the girl. He punches Joseph in the face because Joseph records all that goes on during these hunts for his high rollers to bet on. He then offers him a double or nothing opportunity to try this all again.

Hell NO! I don’t want to see a sequel. If you haven’t seen this movie, don’t. I’d rather watch “Gigli”.

Panndyra –
These opinions are my own. I take ownership of them and no one else has to share them. Thank you.