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Witch Doctor Kim and Her Rockin' Violin: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Episode 1. 7

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

What madness is this? No file footage shuffling out to the SUV? Have the Queer Eye people heard my cry? Instead, the Gal Pals are taking a building by storm! They infiltrate the offices where Kim works. She’s wearing her black hair in pigtail buns, has on an open button down over a tee, baggy pants, a messenger bag, and no make-up. They whisk her out of the building. Honey grabs cookies from someone’s desk on the way out.

In the SUV, Kim needs a cigarette. Danny opens her dossier and finds that she’s a punk rock princess and used to be a farm girl. And she was a shoplifter. Danny says that part of the day will be teaching her how to not get caught. She says that she learned that she shouldn’t wear mesh or see-through clothes, as she did when she got caught. Damon says, “Vandals never wear sheer.” Heehee.

Danny says that Kim wants her band to be successful so she can make money and pay for stuff. She’s 32 and spends her money on partying. The GP are not too impressed with that. Kim says, “Well you’re going to take care of me, right?” Robbie says, “We will take care of you TODAY, but you’re on your own after that.”

Credits. You know those Learn to Dance tapes that come with footprints to follow? Well, there are some crazy-ass dance steps that scroll across the bottom of the screen. Try that, Danny.

They arrive at Kim’s apartment and the music stops. Robbie says, “I’m so sorry, Damon.” The apartment is a wreck. Crap is all over the place. Some walls are while. Some are a pinkish-red with white splotches of primer. Honey ventures into the bathroom and calls it disgusting.

Kim has a box and a pile of brain-fetus art that’s really coyote backbones and skulls. Elsewhere, Honey finds a whip and starts whipping the room and then tries to whip Robbie.

Danny enters the kitchen and thanks God that he had his rabies shot. There are empty water bottles, nasty towels, and dishes everywhere. He yells, “This is DISGUSTING.” So far, that’s two disgusting rooms.

In the living room, Damon finds a doll body with no head. He and Danny assume that one of the skulls should be attached to the body. They decide it’s either a voodoo doll or a date that never escaped Kim’s voodoo powers. Since when is she a witch doctor?

Robbie then flies out of the closet (pun!) in a frilly, rag doll dress and straw hat. Danny calls him Woody’s girlfriend from Toy Story.

Meanwhile, Honey hops onto Kim’s computer. She finds poetry. She thinks that’s the secret to Kim’s personality. Kim’s a musician, so poetry really isn’t a far leap.

In the bedroom, Damon calls Kim a witch. Danny finds a large black cloak and says it’s good for a witch hunt. If she’s the witch, why would she hunt witches?

In other part of the house, there’s pathetic, grayed linoleum flooring. Danny calls it very “pet cemetery.”

Over in the living room, Robbie steps on a skull.

Danny pulls Kim aside for a heart-to-heart. She tells him she’s not where she thought she’d be at 32. She wants to be successful. She will always play music, regardless of how successful the band is. She wants to spread her wings and she goes into a diatribe about cocoons.

Meanwhile, Damon folds Honey and Robbie into the sofa bed. Heehee.

Cut to Robbie and Kim in her closet. He pulls out some white go-go boots. “NO!” She says, “They were for a costume!” He says, “Well, these boots were made for walking. Away from here” and throws them. He asks what she wants to wear on stage. She says it needs to be a tough punk image and moveable. She’s a self-proclaimed “nutcase on stage.”

In the corner of the apartment, Kim has stacked up leaves and big branches. Damon likes the concept but thinks Kim needs to go about it a different way.

Robbie then goes through the box of skulls. He says it’s like going through the junk box of a 12-year-old boy rather than a 32-year-old woman. Danny and Honey vigorously nod their heads in agreement.

Honey ventures back into the bathroom with Kim. Kim has lots of make-up and never throws anything away. Honey tells her that she has to throw stuff away because bacteria build in it. Then Honey says that she already threw out a bunch of stuff. So there.

Damon sidles up to the potbelly stove and says it’s where Kim cooks children. Okay then.

Meanwhile, Honey talks to Kim about her wrinkles. That’s nice.

Elsewhere in the house, Robbie has wrapped Damon up in brown paper. Danny shakes his head at them. “That’s productive.” Heehee.

Kim then plays the violin for them. Danny says that music is clearly her dream. Isn’t that what she’s been saying? He tells her that he has record company people coming to her show tonight.

The GP leave and the Hunky Helpers enter. Damon turns to follow the HH, but the GP pull him back on track.

The bass player interviews that Kim is a rocker chick.

The friend interviews that Kim shops in thrift stores.

A band member interviews that Kim is inspired by poverty.

In the SUV, Kim feels chaos. She says she needs to learn how to focus. Robbie says that focus is the word that popped into his mind, too. She wants her home to be like an outdoorsy place. Like a treehouse. Robbie says, “This isn’t Swiss Family Robinson!”

They arrive at a furniture store with an indo-Chinese theme. Obligatory seat sitting. Kim leans back in a teak loungy chair and says, “Captain, I’m ready for take off.” I guess she likes it.

They find a shelving unit of dark wood that has about nine cube shelves. I want them for my apartment! Damon says they can flank the shelves. Kim says, “And by flank, you mean…” Thanks for asking, Kim, because I had no idea either. Apparently, flanking means getting two and pairing them against a wall. Damon and his technical lingo.

Next, Damon throws Kim on a dark wood four poster bed. Damon and Robbie sandwich her. She laments, “Too bad you guys are gay.” They all get up, Kim leaves, and Robbie and Damon look at each other wide-eyed as if to say, wow she needs a man.

Moving on to Danny at Crunch gym. Danny is wearing only a pair of shorts. My heart is pounding and seriously I felt my eyes get wider than they’ve ever gotten before. I have no idea what’s going on right now because I can’t get over Danny in his semi-naked state. Something about kickboxing and a guy named Chad.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Danny with no clothes. Okay, now Kim is kicking and punching. Danny? Still in the shorts but now he has on boxing gloves. Grrr. More Kim punching and kicking. Chad and Danny fear for their lives as Kim takes out all her aggression.

Danny says it’s time to shower up and, much to my dismay, the cameras do not follow him. Sigh.

Kim meets up with Robbie at JackHenry. Danny is now fully clothed to accompany her. He should be naked more often. In fact, that should be a law. Danny can’t wear clothes. Anyway, they meet up with Tia who dresses lots of rock stars.

First she tries on a cream colored bustier with black lace at the top and a halter strap and skirty thing. She says it may inspire the band to wear colors other than black.

Black satiny pants. Metallic heels. Painted jacket. Layered tank and no bra yet her nipples don’t show through. Magic!

Next she puts on a denim bustier and blue jeans. She explains that the band never wears blue jeans. It’s always black. She suggests that she get the jeans and ease the band into the idea of them. She doesn’t want to wear them at the big gig. Too much change too soon. Kim, they’re jeans. Get over it. Instead, she pairs the denim bustier (which is blue denim so she’s very hypocritical here) with a black mini-skirt.

She moves on to FrankStudio with Honey for a haircut. Honey and Robbie slurp down apple martinis as Honey explains that FrankStudio has a lot of apple scented products. Frank won’t strip the color out of Kim’s hair because it’s too dark. He will cover up her gray and cut angles. Wow—by the time he’s done, Kim looks fabulous. Angled. Layered. No more pig buns at the top of her head.

Over to Danny at the historical Village Studios where Floyd and Dylan have recorded. She meets BT, a producer and DJ, who listens to and criticizes Kim’s song. She does some violin finger plucking (that sounds dirty!) and BT suggests she put it at the beginning of her song. He wants her to make her song sound “uber professional.” That’s an industry term, you know.

Danny and Honey then give Kim an electric violin. Or a floating violin. Or is it a violin made of metal? Okay, I have no clue what the hell it is but Kim sure is happy about it and that’s what counts.

The lead guitarist interviews that Kim’s taste and look suffers.

Her friend interviews that she works hard to make it through life.

In the SUV, heading home, Danny tells Kim she has so much riding on her show. He says it could change her life. Kim retorts, “It better or you’re all fired.” Honey bursts out laughing. Ha! That’s comedy.

Ooh, more Hunky Helpers. They move things. They hang things. The help hunkily.

Kim enters the apartments and says, and I’m not kidding here, “Holy monkeys and bananas and sundaes and trees.” What??? Damon says he loves her hair. Now there’s a relevant response.

He explains that all the material is tactile and smooth. He made bamboo walls, which are awesome! Also he installed and flanked the shelves.

The dining room is now salmon colored and the table is dark wood.

The living room walls are a lemony-sage color.

The bedroom is blue. The four poster bed is in the middle with burgundy satiny bedding and a real mattress that forms to your body. They all climb into the bed. Damon hung floating shelves on the wall. Her skulls are now on the shelves.

The bathroom is clean, thankfully, and bright white. Damon added crimson accents.

Honey brings Dr. Perricone in for a skin care lesson. I think Dr. Perricone has a book out right now. He be famous. He also mumbles and I have a hard time understanding what he’s telling Kim to do. Something about anti-inflammatory pore tightening, facelift in a bottle with a few squirts, and edible lip plumper. That’s all I got from him. He leaves, mumbling a good-bye.

Honey gives Kim the Kate Spade Bag ‘o Make Up.

Over in the closet, Robbie lays out outfits for Kim to choose from. He mixes the new clothes with the old ones. They decide she will wear the denim bustier, black mini-skirt, and combat boots for the performance.

They gather near the door to the apartment. She grabs Danny’s hands and says, “We’re in love!” WHAT? BACK OFF SISTER! Where did that come from anyway? She says that she’s in love with all of them. They she cries and says she’s blessed. Because God speaks to people via make-overs. They believe in her. Group hug.

Hip Tip: Contrast is the fashion trend. Robbie says it’s okay to wear sequins and jeans.

Kim’s friend interviews that Kim loves to party.

The drummer interviews that Kim is an artist.

The Gal Pals gather round the Armani Critic Couch. Kim showers, towels, and does her skin regimen. She scrubs her face rather quickly. She then has no idea what make-up is what and almost pokes herself in the eye with the eyeliner.

Danny asks, “Is there a reason she’s doing this at 70 miles an hour?”

Damon points out that Kim puts her hands over her head to shield the light as she looks at her make-up in the mirror. On stage is darker and she’s predicting how she’ll look in different light.

She puts on fishnets, the black skirt, and, well, then she has some trouble with the bustier. The GP yell at her to suck it in and squeeze it on. Robbie says, “It’s a one of a kind top so I’d like to see it in one piece.” Heehee.

She finally gets it on. Then she puts on her blue boots and painted jacket that Danny wants as his own.

Kim arrives at a club called The Gig. The band “wows” and “omigods.” Kim asks for a drum beat and then proceeds to strip off her jacket and model her new look. They like it. Robbie loves her boobs. Kim shows the band her new violin. They love it. Honey calls her sexy.

The Gig fills up. Danny freaks out because the A&R people aren’t there. The show starts. The crowd cheers. Kim rocks the stage with her violin. There’s a flute player too—that’s very Jethro Tull. Kim faces the audience while playing, which she’s never done before.

Now Kim sings. It’s Evanescence like. The A&R people arrive. Ooh, bongos. Robbie calls Kim, “A total original.” The music moguls whisper to each other. The show ends. Danny comments, “all that without a boob popping out.” Ha!

Kim meets up with the music moguls. They invite her up to the offices to talk about representation.

The Gal Pals are amazed and squeal. They toast to Kim and say, “You’re on your way!”

This week’s tips:

Honey says put eyeliner in the freezer if you need to sharpen it.

Robbie says to wear lingerie as a tank top.

Damon says that pillows are fun.

Danny says he wants to marry me and take me around the world and then father eight children. Or he says that stretching is important when working out. You decide what’s the truth.

The punk rock witch doctor is made over into a punk rock witch doctor. Umm, wasn’t this supposed to be a make-over?

Email me: Christina@realityshack.com Do you think Danny should be legally bound to be naked?

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