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Getting to Know You Repeatedly: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Casting Special

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

And now for an hour of filler-fun. An anonymous woman’s voice talks about the Gal Pals and how they’re “the best friends any straight girl could ask for” while we see clips of all different Queer Eye for the Straight Girl episodes. The voice-over woman, who probably has a phone sex job judging by the tone of her voice, continues to repeat herself. I swear she says that best friends line at least five times. Finally, she says, “Meet the Gal Pals.”

Credits. Vroom, vroom, Honey.

The music transitions into the theme song for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Didn’t the phone sex operator just tell us we were going to meet the Gal Pals? What gives?

Apparently, we need a history lesson. PSO voices over that Carson, Kyan, Thom, Ted, and Jai became America’s sweethearts once Queer Eye came onto the scene. No mention of Blaire, the queer who fell by the wayside after the second episode of the first season, making way for Jai. Where is Blaire now? Crying into his morning protein shake, no doubt. Dumb move, hot shot.

In 2004, Queer Eye went international! Fab Fives appeared in all sorts of countries like France, Sweden, Denmark, Italy, and Spain! A clip reel ensues with international gay men climbing through international closets, speaking languages other than English. The only thing I kind of understand is one Italian guy tells another guy something about a mother and a shirt. My foreign language skills could use a little polishing.

The original Fab Five won an Emmy.

Enter the West Coast guides for straight girls living on the West Coast. So says PSO, who slightly growls when she says Coast. She must earn at least six figures a year.

Danny interviews that straight girls are hysterical, inappropriate, appropriate, and loving. And I love him, so we must be meant for each other.

Honey interviews that they don’t do make-over shows. They do make-better shows.

Robbie interviews that each girl already has everything she needs to be fabulous. They just unbury the fabulousness on the show.

Danny calls each episode one big gay party.

Damon interviews that gay men and straight girls get along so well. Honey contributes that to the love of shopping and checking out men. Danny says that there’s no ulterior motive when it comes to gay men because they’re obviously not looking for more than friendship with a woman.

This is the part of the show where we meet the Gal Pals.

PSO says that Robbie is The Look. Robbie explains that he’s all about fashion and grooming. Although I think Danny does more grooming tips on the show than Robbie. Robbie’s too busy stealing clothes.

PSO says Damon is The Locale. Damon explains that he gives each home a new design.

PSO says Danny is The Lifestyle. Danny My Love explains that he does everything. Really? Don’t tempt me.

PSO say Honey is The Lady. Honey explains that she has something unique about her that helps her connect with the girls—her gender. Yes, that’s why she’s The Lady. She has a vagina, which makes her qualified to give a female perspective.

This is the part of the show where the Gal Pals gossip about each other.

Danny interviews that the chemistry between the four of them is “brilliant or destructive.” Cut to scenes of the GP fighting.

Robbie interviews that he and Danny are always fighting. Cut to scenes of Robbie and Danny beating each other up and wrestling on the floor.

Damon interviews that Robbie is a prankster because he wears funny outfits. Cut to scenes of Robbie dressing up in women’s clothes. Those aren’t funny outfits, Damon. Those are the clothes he’s trying to steal.

Robbie interviews that Danny thinks he’s so cool because he’s British. Then he makes fun of Danny, saying that “Danny thinks he’s James Bond but really he’s a big queen.” Cut to scenes of Danny dancing and twirling and doing high-kicks. Those are Bond’s new moves, actually.

Damon interviews that Honey is motherly. Cut to scenes of Honey yelling, “Boys! Boys! Boys! Someone is going to get hurt!” Danny adds that Honey has no qualms about flirting with their straight girls. Cut to scenes of Honey sneaking peeks at girls from all different angles.

Honey interviews that Damon is a mama’s boy and is the youngest of them all. I didn’t think Damon was the youngest. I thought Robbie was. He doesn’t seem all that young anyway. Damon calls himself inappropriate and blames it on his being youngest.

Damon then says that the Gal Pals are like brothers and sisters. Much like his relationship with lost half-brother Roger Lodge.

Danny interviews that, because they spend so much time in the SUV, he invented a car dance. So that’s where that choreography came from a few episodes ago! The mystery has been solved! Cut to scenes of Danny and the GP dancing up a storm in the SUV.

This is the part of the show where the GP repeat everything that PSO already said at the beginning of the show.

Robbie interviews that he’s The Look. He embodies his job from head to toe, especially when it comes to bags and shoes. He’s most upset that many girls can’t walk in heels. He says that going through closets is the best way he can find out about a girl. He also says that the girls he works with aren’t afraid to voice their opinions, cry, or “throw you against a wall and threaten you.” Heehee. That’s the first amusing comment that’s happened this episode.

Danny interviews that he loves The Life because “it’s a broad spectrum—health, fitness, food, wine, and dreams.” He’s the dreamweaver. He can get you through the night. He also finds out about the girls from their closets. However, he goes that extra step and actually talks to the girls. He has a heart to heart until they cry, and that’s when he knows his job is done.

Damon, as The Locale, interviews that he re-does the home. He says that it’s hard to figure out the girls’ personalities when he first walks into a home. I’m guessing that’s because they have no real style going on and that’s why they need him in the first place. He mostly updates the furniture and then “picks and chooses” important focal points, and works around them. He thinks “the gift of giving a new home is huge.”

Honey interviews, “Every time someone asks me what I do, I explain that I talk to them about being a woman.” Because she’s The Lady. She says she bridges the gap. What gap? I thought that gay men were the perfect friends for straight women. There should be no gap. Honey says she gets to know the girls through their make-up regimen and their books. She claims that every woman needs pampering and fun.

This is the part of the show where we see audition tapes and the casting directors and producers talk about the auditions. Are we having fun, yet?

Hundreds of men from the “gay mafia” showed up to the audition. They were handsome, funny, diverse guys. One of them wore braids and looked like Pocahontas if Pocahontas were a gay man living in L. A. They had many professions: hairdresser, actor, songwriter, hypnotherapist. One of them had a fake chin. One of the casting directors calls the producers to tell him, “Every gay man in LA is an event planner.” Let the laughs roll as we see a rapid set of clips of gay men telling the CD that he’s an event planner.

Danny likens the audition process to a gay club on a Saturday night—a bunch of queens crowded in a room with a camera in the middle. The guys had only five minutes to make an impression.

Robbie says that the process was “more grueling than I ever imagined.”

Damon says, “It went on forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.”

Robbie, Danny, and Damon “wanted it.” Really wanted it. Badly. And that’s why they got the job.

The gay casting director/producer person calls Danny “a force inside a great package.” The straight casting director/producer person says, “I’ll stick with a force.” The gay CDPP cackles.

The Critic Couch has now appeared in a tiny brown room and the GP are watching the audition footage. Danny calls Damon a character from Team America. Split screen of Damon and character—wow, they do look similar. I wonder if he, too, is related to Roger Lodge.

The CDPPs say that Damon’s eyebrows were memorable. The gay CDPP says that Damon had appeal because “he could be your best friend or he could be your lover.” The straight CDPP says Damon was “talented.” The gay CDPP cackles again.

During the audition, they asked Robbie if he was familiar with hair and make-up. Robbie says, “Am I familiar with make-up? I’m wearing it! I’m on camera!” Everyone laughs. The CDPP call him a great friend.

The CDPP explain that they brought in a “real live straight girl” to the auditions to see whose chemistry worked. While with Robbie, she says, “I don’t do heels.” Robbie blurts out, “I’m leaving! Those are my favorite things!” Everyone laughs again.

On the Critic Couch, Danny tells Robbie that he liked that he wore a jacket to the audition. Then they realize that all three guys are wearing jackets on the Critic Couch. Then Honey says, “Look at the three of you!” They’re all sitting with their left legs crossed daintily over their right legs with perfect posture. “And look at me!” Honey has her legs spread wide and is hunched over, her elbows leaning on her knees. They all laugh some more. Heehee. That’s maybe the third amusing thing this episode. Robbie’s casting bits make me smile too.

The CDPP explain that they had a casting call for a show called Liquid Lesbian for which every single lesbian on the West Coast showed up. It was a fake show because they didn’t want people to know there would be a lesbian on queer eye. During the casting, they ask a bunch of lesbians “would you rather” questions. Finally, they come to the infamous, “Ginger or Maryann?” Now, remember that beer commercial where the guys are playing pool and they ask each other that question and one of the women says that Ginger was a bimbo so all the guys choose Maryann? Well, not here! In unison, the lesbians say, “Ginger!” and everyone laughs.

Honey explains that in being the lady, “the womanness is there.” What the hell does that mean? The CDPP say Honey stood out because she was demanding and smart.

On the Critic Couch, Honey says that she thinks she took off her jacket when she realized a lesbian casting director was coming into the room. Seconds later on the audition tape, she slides off her jacket. The boys cheer.

The CDPP finally mixed the gay guys and the lesbians and mass chaos ensued as everyone realized that a lesbian would be on the show. The Gal Pals say they first thought that they were being duped.

Damon interviews, “the lesbionic twist was phenomenal.” That’s so not a word but I’m so loving it. Plus, he can get away with making up new words because he’s the youngest and has big eyebrows.

On the casting footage, Robbie and Honey chit chat. He tells her that he loves the Debra Messing look she has, and she says, “Yeah, no boobs.” They giggle. More footage of the GP getting along in the hallway. Kinda like a pressureless singles mixer because they aren’t interested in each other.

This is the part of the show where we watch the GP get “the call.”

Danny “whoohoos!” into the phone. Damon smiles. Honey says she’d love to be on the show. Robbie? Yells at his cat. On the Critic Couch, the GP cheer for themselves.

This is the part of the show where we learn about where the GP came from. It includes baby pics which is cool. And it repeats stuff we’ve already heard this episode.

Danny was born in London and raised by his great-grandmother and grandmother so he learned all about cooking. He became a dancer and an actor and did plays in the West End. Then he traveled the world. Some cool pics of Danny with hair. So weird.

Damon is from San Diego. He opened a floral design shop and became an event planner. He explains that Thom from QEFTSGuy does all the re-do on his own, while QEFTSGirl has Hunky Helpers. Damon says he’s too lazy to do it all himself.

Honey is from New York. Yes, that’s her real name. She says that if she didn’t get the Queer Eye job, she’d probably be a stripper or a Bond girl. Perfect for Danny’s Dancing Bond. She has two siblings, and they were all raised by her single mom. She had been married and had a daughter. Then realized she was a lesbian and everyone was shocked, especially her husband. She produced several independent films, including one about gay marriage.

Robbie is from Oregon. He studied theater and loved clothes. As much as he loved Oregon, he moved to L. A. as soon as he could. He modeled, and we see lots of modeling pics. He did commercials, too.

This is the part of the show where the GP talk about their experiences on Queer Eye. And repeat stuff they said before.

These experiences include watching a birthing video and kickboxing.

This is the part of the show where we see a gag reel of Hip Tips.

The CDPP explain that the only part of the show that requires a bit of acting ability is the Hip Tips. Damon hates Hip Tips. No one is good at them. We first see clips of them messing up and laughing about it. By the end, they’re all cursing on the gag reel.

This is the part of the show where the GP offer miscellaneous commentary that didn’t fit anywhere else in the show, except for when they said it the first time around using different words.

The episodes have a range of emotion. Robbie says that it’s more than make-up and furniture.

Honey talks about the show with Kristin and Peter and their wedding. They all reminisce about Melissa. And then about all the other girls.

The CDPP are proud of the show.

Gag reel of the Gal Pals making a final toast on the Critic Couch and not getting it right. Ever.

Let me start by saying that I truly love the Gal Pals. That being said—Do you ever feel as if you’ve wasted an hour of your life? Try to imagine what it’s like to then write about it…

Email me: christina@realityshack.com What would you rather be doing right now?

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