home Archive Weep No More, My Alex: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Episode 3.7

Weep No More, My Alex: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Episode 3.7

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

The Fab Five’s all a-flutter out to the SUV. They read the dossier about 29-year-old Alex Manolopolous (I’m totally guessing at the spelling of that). They ooh and ahh over how he’s Greek. Ted’s factoid: the Greeks invented gay sex. So everyone hoorays for the Greeks and gay sex. Because where would Queer Eye be if not for those ancient gay philosophers?

Alex is a banker, and he thinks his job is soulless. He’s been married 5 years to Carine but they don’t spend much time together anymore since he’s been going to acting class. Yes, Alex wants to be an actor. Because that’s much more soulful. He’s also the paternal brother of triplets, meaning the other two are identical. Kyan feels bad for Alex, who he calls the “odd man out.” Ted says, “I feel bad for them [identical brothers] because their names are Aristotle and Socrates.” Are they gay, too?

One more thing about Alex. He’s a smoker. Oh, and one last thing—he’s got no connections in the acting world and has had no auditions. This is turning out to be the saddest story ever told. Carson suggests that Alex sleep with someone for that first step to stardom.

Jai says their mission is to take Alex “from acting class to a class act.” This should be interesting.

Credits. Blue is a great color for Ted.

The guys run up to Alex’s house and enter. Alex is a guy with somewhat messy black hair and stubble. He’s wearing a striped green shirt. Kyan asks what plays Alex had been in while in school, and Alex mentions “Annie.” Kyan pounces: “Annie. That’s why you have the hair like this.” Here we go again with the unhealthy hair obsession. I get that it’s his job but is that the only aspect of it?

The house is empty. Carson calls it “very white.” A parquet floor, bright white walls, and not much furniture. There are piles of crap here and there. There’s even a white TV that was hand painted by some brunette woman. I have no idea who she is.

Jai finds out that Alex has no headshots. Jai passes out and they need smelling salts to revive him. Just kidding, but that would be fun.

Carson comes out of a closet (heehee—I love puns) with white button downs. “I have the perfect look for this home.” He makes Brunette put the shirt on backwards and it looks like a straight jacket.

Then they go onto a porch which Thom assumes is for smoking because everything is dingy and tinted yellow.

Then we hear Carson yelling, “What on God’s green earth is this?!” There are piles of dirty laundry in the kitchen. He asks, “Who does the laundry?” Brunette giggles, “Not me!” and sticks out her boobs. Hey, they’re gay, sweetie, and there’s no need for that. Carson responds, “Good answer.”

Thom brings Alex into the bedroom. It’s all white, too. Thom is disappointed that nothing in the house reflects who lives in it.

In the white, white kitchen, Ted and Carson inspect some bacon. Ted is unsure about it. Carson says that it’s fake. Facon. “Facon bacon.” Heehee. Then Jai dons a furry white rug and puts a piece of facon in his mouth and he’s Fred Flintstone. Okay then.

Thom is going through closets with Brunette. She has a shoe closet. Then a separate closet for her tops. Oh! This must be Carine! No one mentioned that. Sometimes I don’t catch on that quick. Carine is a petite, olive-skinned woman with long, straight hair. And she has several closets. One more for coats and belts.

Meanwhile, Carson has on Pricilla Queen of the Desert eyelashes. I don’t think this is his first experience with them. He knows how to wear them well.

Over in the kitchen, Ted finds frozen food and is upset.

Back to the closets. One for Carine’s pants. She tells Carson that she doesn’t share her closet space. He says, “Good for you. I wouldn’t either.” He’s so serious about it that it’s funny.

And now Jai has gauze wrapped around his head and Kyan is weeping over him as ketchup is smeared on the floor. Oh, I’m going to puke. I have this thing about ketchup—if it gets anywhere other than where it’s supposed to be, I freak out. And now, seeing that the ketchup is on a person and not a fry, I’m freaking.

Alex, who is now wearing a blue top that you’d see on Scrubs, tells Jai that he got into acting in high school and liked it then. He wants to revisit it now.

Thom, subtle as usual, comes into the living room and asks, “What happened to your house?” Ha! Ha! BTW—Alex is back to wearing the green shirt so I think some weird editing occurred. Alex says that they’ve been there over two years and Thom says, “No!” because he can’t believe it.

Meanwhile, Jai tells Carine that Alex has way too many clothes in the kitchen. Carine agrees. They start to go through the pile and out jump Carson and Ted and scare the crap out of Carine. Heehee. Fun with dirty underwear.

Back in the living room, Subtle Thom says, “It almost looks like you guys were running from the law.” Heehee. Alex says that he doesn’t want to fight about decorating with Carine. Man, he’s scared of her.

Jai, Carson, and Ted now surround Carine in the kitchen. Carson says, “So he doesn’t like to make out?” Carine says, “He doesn’t like to kiss.” The boys are appalled. Carson says, “But that’s half the fun!” Ted suggests, “You should teach him how, Jai.” Jai doesn’t seem very thrilled with the idea. He says he’ll suggest kissing Carine more to Alex. That’s pretty much where the lesson will end. Carson takes one for the team and says, “I’ll go and kiss him right now.” Atta, boy. Alex’s excuse is that he’s too tired to kiss. They don’t buy it.

In the living room, Carine tells Thom, “I like to shop. He hates to shop. He likes sports. I hate sports.” So she’s basically listing why they shouldn’t be married because they have absolutely nothing in common. With her list and Alex’s fear of her, it’s hard to understand why the two of them are even on speaking terms. Kyan and Thom as Carine if Alex likes sex. She says yes. They ask if she does and she makes that hand motion that means “kinda.” Thom and Kyan hush her up—not liking sex is a curse!

Alex enters the bedroom with underwear on his head. To be further humiliated, Jai points out that they found “lube in the tissue box—it’s two in one.” Then Alex tells Carson that Carine buys all his clothing.

In the kitchen, Alex tells Ted that he loves Carine and does everything for her.

The FF make Alex make out with Carine before she leaves. Then they sit on the couch and make Alex do his monologues. He does something from “Big Fish.” They clap. He cries. Jai tells Alex that he has an audition for a film because Jai pulled some strings. Alex will get the part in the film if he does well. Which is the basic rule of most auditions. Alex practically cries again.

Carine interviews that Alex is not interested in physical appearance.

The acting coach interviews, “His hair. It lives.” Like Frankenstein’s monster, I suppose.

In the SUV, Carson lectures about how behind every great man is a great woman, and tells Alex that he can’t forget Carine. Alex gushes that he knows. Then Carson asks, “Are you going to dump her when you make it big?” Heehee. Oh, that Carson. Jai gets all excited about how, later in the day, Alex will be meeting with the big wig from American Psycho. Everyone’s excited for the audition. Hopefully, this is not the same guy who was involved with American Psycho 2 because that movie? Was bad.

Carson and Alex hop out at Bergdorf Goodman Men’s. Alex confesses that he doesn’t trust himself with style. Thanks, Master of the Obvious. That’s why you’re getting a make-over. Then he goes a step further, telling Carson that he’s scared. Jeez, it’s just clothing. Carson hugs him because Carson finds any reason to hug a straight man.

First, Alex puts on a fitted black sweater. Carson says that too many men wear very baggy sweaters. Over the sweater goes a motorcycle jacket. Carson comments, “It worked for James Dean; it can work for you.” Ah, Jimmy Dean. I used to be obsessed with him until I found out that, if he were alive today, he would be about as old as Walter Matthau. (Yes, I know that he’s passed, too, but he lived until, like, 70). Alex puffs out his chest and says, “How you like them apples?” That statement makes you a man apparently.

They move on to find the perfect shirt for a headshot. Pinks. Purples. Soft browns. They decide on white button down with vertical stripes in these hues. It’s an okay shirt. They dress it up with a blended plaid blazer.

Carson tells Alex he can’t be scared all the time. “Own the world, even if you have to charge it.” That is so going to be my new motto.

Hopping on over to Thom, who greets Alex with a “Hello, Pumpkin!” Aww. Being nice to make up for the claws that came out earlier. Carine’s there, too! Thom makes Alex kiss her again and then claims to be a marriage counselor by bringing people together with furniture. They look at white, masculine furniture. Obligatory sofa sitting. A white sofa with velcroed covers and removable cushions. Mauve ottomans. Dark wood dining table that opens up to have whole family over.

Alex tells Carine about meeting the casting director. Thom says, “Not only are you going to get a new sofa but your husband might be famous!” Heehee.

Moving to Ted in a chocolate store where they meet Key (spelling that phonetically). Her chocolates were ranked #1 by Zagat. She gives them samples. I want some samples. Alex says, “It’s like a party in my mouth.” Mmm. Key gives a lesson on truffles. Ted says, “Nothing is more romantic than chocolate.” Then tells Alex that he’s going to make his own chocolates from scratch. Alex is scared. Again. Wimp.

And now, time to meet up with Kyan who says it’s “the day for dreams to come true.” He’s going to work on Alex as an actor on the outside. They sit with Gina who gives Alex a versatile haircut. Alex says that Carson has such an eye for clothes (that’s why Carson is on Queer EYE and is the STYLE GUY). Alex is so the new MOTO (Master of the Obvious). Then he tells Kyan that he feels more confident. Kyan’s like, “Did you hear what you just said?!” He’s in therapy mode. Alex is becoming a new man, and Kyan is right on Alex’s heels in the race to be MOTO.

They talk more about acting. Clothes can change who you are on the inside. Wow, that’s materialistic. I guess he means that taking care of himself and not being dirty makes him feel better about himself. Alex shaves and puts on the striped shirt. He looks good. He’s clean. Then the meet up with the headshot lady Deborah and take headshots.

Alex moves on to Jai to talk about the film that he’s auditioning for. He’ll be trying out for a co-worker role. Margaret Cho is in the movie. Jai brings out a “special guest” who is none other than Alex’s acting coach. Then Jai and Alex act out a scene. The acting coach coaches. They act more. She coaches more. This is the most boring scene in Queer Eye history. Even the cucumber conversation between Kyan and Brud was better than this.

Mom interviews that Alex is a dirty boy.

The brothers interview that actors should come with a cleaning lady. They should be seen and not heard.

Heading home in the SUV, Alex says that his one hang-up had been his external appearance and that the day has made him a new man. Umm, didn’t his wife say that he didn’t care about physical appearance? Someone’s lying!

They enter the house and Jai is speechless, that’s how good it looks. His mouth drops open. Jai, you don’t live there! If you love it so much, get Thom to re-do your own place. Finally, Alex comes in and he, too, is speechless. Carson pets his arm and says, “I know, you’re overwhelmed.” Because Carson finds any reason to pet a straight man’s arm. To lighten the mood and get Alex to breathe again, Carson points to the table and says, “Look! Nothing’s more fun that a bowl full of balls!” And, yes, there’s a bowl full of balls on the table. Wait, they might be apples. But a bowl full of apples just isn’t as fun.

Thom points out his handy work. He’s installed chocolate brown molding and now the walls look brighter, whereas before they were a drab, empty white. He’s made a meditation area where he used to smoke. Pretty satin pillows and scented candles abound. Then he says, “And I cleaned the windows!” Ha. Amazing what a little cleaning will do.

Alex notices that Thom used his marlins on the wall. Also, Thom hung up Carine’s artwork. The white couch and chairs and colored ottomans and rugs cover the parquet floor.

In the bedroom, there’s a green comforter and a cleaner space overall. Then Thom tells Alex to clean the toilet once in a while.

And now it’s time for more therapy with Kyan. Kyan sits down with Alex and gives him a quit smoking kit. Alex mentions that one of his brothers had cancer and he doesn’t want to go through that so he wants to stop smoking. Kyan launches into a lecture about nicotine and eating and urges and addiction and cravings and withdrawal. At least he’s not harping on the hair.

Over to Carson and the closet. Or I should say closets because there are quite a few of them. Carson has switched closets on Carine, giving Alex the “good” closet. That doesn’t bode well for a happy marriage.

They get Alex all dressed. Carson says that his clothes for any audition should be generic but memorable. He says that Alex shouldn’t wear black. Brown is better. Alex zhuzshes.

Next he puts on a narrow dark suit with a white shirt that has light gray-silvery pattern things. And sneakers. Okay, Carson. What’s with the sneakers?

Ted brings Alex to the kitchen to make passion fruit truffles. Sugar. Cream. Puree. Boil. Stir. Melt bittersweet chocolate under hot cream. Wear rubber surgical gloves for rolling chocolate and dust in cocoa. Yum!

Jai shows Alex the headshots. Alex appreciates it all. Jai tells Alex to go with the suit. Then he tells Alex that he’s not telling him what to wear and he doesn’t like to go against what other people say. But Alex should use his judgment as an actor. Wow. Overstepping boundaries once again. But here, Jai might be right because he does the acting thing. I smell trouble a-brewin.

In the living room, the guys recap what Alex should do. Jai tells him to definitely not smoke before the audition. Carson tells him to wear the brown sweater. Heehee. That’s exactly what Jai told him not to do in secret. This should be good.

Alex tells the guys that this has been the most amazing day of his life and then starts to weep like a little girl and calls himself a cry baby. Umm, yeah. There’s a way to cry and then there’s a way to weep. He’s weeping! And getting all high-pitched. The guys say it’s okay to be emotional. He says that it’s his dream coming true and that’s why he’s crying. Weeping. WEEPING! When the guys leave, he remains on the couch. Sniffling.

Hip Tip: Ugly rain gear kills a stylish look. So you should definitely wear the matching hat and umbrella as Carson does.

Carine interviews that Alex is dedicated to acting.

The FF enter the loft and sit on the Critic Couch. Carson is ready for some “thespian on thespian action.” Heehee.

First, Alex makes truffles. The guys tell Ted how they can’t believe that you can make chocolate truffles at home. Ted says, “It’s not that hard.” Then in the same breath, he watches Alex and yells, “That’s wrong!” Alex is adding things into the mix that will burn on the stove. Next, he puts a glass bowl on the stovetop. The Fab Five can’t believe what they’re seeing and neither can I. It takes a special kind of stupid to try to heat something on the stove in a glass mixing bowl.

Alex finally gets back on track and finishes cooking by wiping the floor in the corner of the kitchen with a Swiffer Wet Jet.

Next, he gets naked, much to the excitement of the guys. They scream about his pecs and how he’s so flexing on purpose. Of course he is. Giving back to the guys. When he gets out of the shower, he goes to the wrong closet to get dressed. Habits can be hard to break. Heehee.

Then Carson yells, “Newsflash! That’s not the shirt I told him to wear.” As Alex puts out a white button down with some soft pattern, he mumbles something about Jai. Carson shoots a glare at Jai: “Jai! Did you tell him to wear something else?” Jai squirms and says that he told Alex that he personally liked the suit better. Carson dives at Jai and chokes him. “You told him to wear something else? You bitch!” Jai shakes like a rag doll being throttled by the family pet. Strangulation can be quite comical.

Alex then writes a love note to Carine. Ted says, “I told him to do that!” Why be proud that you told him to write something? The note starts out, “By the time you read this,” so several of the FF jump in and say, “I will be dead!” Heehee. Alex then writes a second note to give to Carine. Both notes say that he loves her. Ted says, “I didn’t tell him to write two. He thought of that on his own!” Again, writing a second note is not a far leap from writing one note. He could have just combined the two and wrote an entire love LETTER. I’m just sayin.

And let the sweating commence. The guys realize that Alex is practically dripping. So much for the shower. Carson says, “He’s sweating like a whore in church.” Then Thom asks, “Is he sweating or crying?” Whatever the case, Alex is all wet. Then Kyan notes that Alex is “giving himself a proctology exam.” Ewwww. He’s just putting those stupid gloves on.

Back in the kitchen, Alex starts getting very agitated at the dessert. The truffles won’t stay put on the plate. They keep rolling away from the position Alex puts them in. BTW– he rolls the chocolate in the cocoa while wearing the white shirt. Not smart.

Next, Alex puts product in his hair. He shakes his hair back as if he’s the Breck girl. Then he throws out his cigarettes! The Fab Five yell, “Yeay!”

Carine comes home. Kyan says, “She’s a hottie. I don’t care how you slice it.” She walks in calm. Looks around. Doesn’t say much. Carson and Kyan say she should be having a more thrilled reaction. Alex points out all the things that Thom pointed out to him before. Carson says, “If this acting thing doesn’t work out, he can always get a job at Colonial Williamsburg.” Ha!

Finally, Carine reacts when she sees the meditation porch. “This is great!” Back in the living room, Alex shows her the book Kyan gave him to stop smoking. Next, he shows Carine the little closet. She’s not too thrilled.

Alex models his suit for Carine. Carson says, “Courtesy of Jai Rodriguez.” Thom asks, “Jai, is there anything else you told him to do? Like put the soap on the other wall?” Carson says, “Or how to make the truffles better?” Jai says, “I told him to shave against the grain.” Kyan turns to Jai, “Thank you!” Oh, how I love banter.

Alex gives Carine a turquoise thing. They both have one and it’s for good luck. Carine kisses him and says she loves him. Alex leaves out the truffle heart. She thinks the suit is gorgeous. Carson is so bitter. Alex leaves. The Fab Five cheer him on. Carine finds the truffles in the kitchen and smiles.

The FF are beyond nervous as Alex goes to the audition. Thom says, “You know how he is. He’s either going to freak out or cry.” That’s so mean but so true! Some woman in an orange shirt comes in and annoys the crap out of Alex and two other actors who are waiting. She points out that it’s Friday the 13th. The FF think she may be hitting on him. She’s reading for the same part that the other guys are.

Ted asks if he’s swearing bullets. Carson says, “He’s sweating whole guns.” Then Alex gets called. He runs through scene with the casting director who has a head of hair Kyan would love to get his clippers on. During part of the scene, Alex whispers the lines. Then Kyan whispers to Jai, “Why is he whispering?” Jai whispers back, “Because the character’s standing right in front of them.” Kyan and Carson both whisper, “Oh.” And the scene ends. And the casting guy does it again. Everyone says, “Good.” Alex thanks the casting director.

Jai says that Alex is being so professional. Carson says, “You are what you dress,” and finally gives Jai credit for making Alex wear the suit.

Alex goes to see his family who give him an excited cheer. His brothers are there. Carson says that they’re so cute and I concur. Carson would “like those two soufflakes in my gyro!” and I concur. He tells them about the film audition. The part is for a banker and they all guffaw because of the almost-irony.

Jai pulled some more strings and had the casting director call the restaurant about the audition. He says that he’s going to have Alex back for an audition for something else, too. Alex can’t believe it. He starts weeping as he tells the family the news. His mom starts crying, too. Alex says he wants to thank the Fab Five.

Thom loves that it ended with him crying “because it’s so him.” Kyan asks two questions: “Does he get the part? And does he keep the closet?” Thom says, “I think he’s got a better chance of getting the part than keeping the closet.” Very true. Carine is probably switching it all back right now.

They cheer to Alex being a big star.

This week’s tips:

Jai says to call party guests ahead of time to gossip about who’ll be there.

Carson says that radishes get out stains from soy sauce.

Thom says don’t match all your bedding, but coordinate it as you would an outfit.

Kyan says that switching facial products can lead to breakouts.

Ted says parsley is a natural breath freshener. P. S. It also makes you burp.

The Fab Five succeeded in turning a soulless banker into a soulful actor who plays a soulless banker. So basically they’re back where they started, only with more tears.

Did you see American Psycho 2? Email me: christina@realityshack.com


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