We open the episode with nighttime on Koror. Caryn is talking about how they were on a high from the challenge, they had the flint and were gonna have fire, and then bam. Capsized and nothing. She wasn’t happy. And what made the campsite worse was that Janu found rats in the campsite, and began the “Ick Ick Ick” rats dance. (You would think a Las Vegas showgirl would be comfortable with rats.) Caryn then goes off on a mini-rant about how much the island sucks and how it was a mistake to come here, and blamed Tom for it because he made the rash decision to go to the new island. Caryn and Tom get into an argument, and when I say argument I mean Caryn yells at Tom and Tom kinda just shrugs and nods while Caryn yells. Katie comments that Caryn is being annoying, the group had made the decision to try the new campsite, it was a mistake, she needs to stop complaining about get over it.
On Ulong, Stephenie says that the tribe agrees it was a good idea to boot Jo. The tribe, however, has a problem with selecting a leader, but James steps up and says that “This tribe is American, we’re gonna have a democracy.” (I burst into giggles at this point because military music actually starts playing in the background. I’m honestly expecting James to pace back and forth in front of Ulong and deliver a redneck Patton speech.) They get the treemail for the challenge, and Angie says she is determined to show that she’s an asset to the tribe.
At the challenge, Jeff asks Koror about their flint, and they fess up to the fact they lost it. (Bad idea, psychological advantages are still advantages.) Jeff looks like the cat that ate the canary, and openly admits to Jeff that he’s happy they lost the flint. Hah, I could have only made that sentence more confusing if I said that Jeff looked and Jeff and winked, and Jeff only laughed and asked Jeff how he felt. Neener neener. Anyway, Ian mentions that it doesn’t bother them, that their tribe is the “Bad News Bears.” I wish I knew what that reference meant. Because then I could be cool like Ian. Because Ian is cool. And tall too.
Jeff unveils the challenge, it’s an obstacle-ish course, they have to swing across a pit, cross rotating drums, go over a balance beam, cross a rope, and grab a flag. The first tribe to get all ten flags back wins. What do they win? Fishing mask, fishing gear, and flint for Ulong if they win. At this point I’d like to register a complaint to CBS. False advertising. What happened to the “getting no help” part in the preview for the premiere? *shakes head* I’d like to see a Survivor where the twist is NO REWARD CHALLENGES PRE-MERGE. Make them actually survive. Anyway.
Oh, there’s one part I forgot. On the rotating drum and balance beam part, the other tribe gets to throw swinging sacks at the people crossing. Tom and Gregg volunteer to throw sacks for Koror, and Jeff and Ibrehehehehem get the sacks for Ulong. Willard sits out. And so the game begins! James and Coby go first, Coby has trouble and falls in, but James gets across, gets a flag, and tries to get back. He leaps across the drums, falls off the platform, and hits the water hard. Bobby Jon has the same fate, struggling with the drums before ending up slipping into the water. Ian falls in after retreiving the flag, and Jeff Probst is shaking his head, wondering if the challenge will ever finish. However, Angie steps up the pace and she kicks ass through the obstacle course, obtaining the first flag for Ulong. Meanwhile, Katie gets stuck on the *first* part of the course, not being able to swing across.
At this point, my friend who is being sexiled from his college dorm room walks in to watch with me. (Not by his choice, he was kicked out.) Anyway, at this point it shows Willard giving advice to Katie on how to swing across the pit properly. My friend looks at me and asks “Since when did they let Mr. Miyagi on Survivor?” I started laughing hysterically. And from now on, Willard will be known as Mr. Miyagi. Anyway, long story short, Ulong kicks Koror’s ass as they win 10 to like 3 or 4. Ulong is happy, Koror isn’t.
Jeff is happy because now he can feed his tribe. Angie is happy because the tribe realizes she can actually do something besides be mopey and have tattoos. BJ comments that Angie dominated during the challenge. Jeff then transforms into his superhero identity “MEGA-A$$HOLE” and comments that he’s happy the other tribe lost their flint, and he hopes they never find it.
We then shift to Koror (nice segue CBS!) who is gamely out searching for their lost box. Tom is the narrator of the story, saying they went out at a bad time, it was almost like paddling in a fast-moving river. Both he and Ian dive in to look for the box, and eventually they find it. Ian says it got tiring treading water and diving and diving and treading water, but finally he hooks the box to a rope, and with a combined effort the lead box is raised and Koror obtains their flint. Ian says “Even though we lost the challenge, we won the day.” Awwww, Ian, how cute.
At Ulong, the group is having a nice group sit by the campfire…well without Ashlee, who decides to go to sleep because she’s tired. Jeff notes that “she didn’t eat anything, and we don’t want people slowing us down.” BJ says that they are a tribe, and some things you have to do as a tribe, like sit around a campfire when nobody really wants to and they *actually* want to go to sleep, but fear everyone’s talking about them, so they sit up and talk about the person that had enough sense to get some sleep. When they do go to sleep, observant Angie notes that Kim and Jeff have become cuddle buddies. Alright, raise your hand if you think that if Ashlee had flashed Jeff some of her ample boobage and cuddled up next to him, he’d be less inclined to think that she’s slowing the tribe down. Everybody thinks that too? Good.
The treemail for the immunity challenge instructs the tribes to learn Morse code. Huzzah they aren’t wasting the war theme. I’m happy. The challenge is simple. Hah. No it’s not, this is Survivor. Each tribe has a box tied by a rope through a barrel to a pontoon. They have to drag it 50 (feet? yards? inches? some sort of unit of measurement) across the sea floor. Every ten whatevers, a buoy will pop up to let them know how far they have to go. Once they reach 0, they can dive down, and open the box, which contains eight canteens with morse code on them that are tied together. They untie the canteens, go back to the beach, and have a phrase that they have to make using the morse code on the canteens. The phrase they need, once correctly identified in canteenage, wins that tribe immunity. (Privately, Mark Burnett laughs at the Survivors. “What, you thought this would be just a mental challenge? Hah! Such stupid Survivors.”)
Katie sits out for Koror, challenge starts. Ulong has the head start, as Mr. Miyagi has trouble swimming to the pontoon, but once he’s there, the fun begins. We watch Jeff, Ibrehehehehehem, James, and BJ all try to be manly and pull the box in. Angie, Ashlee, and Stephenie all get in on the action too. Kim, however, refuses to even dive, and kinda just hangs there. Koror, on the other hand, starts high-tailing it. Maybe it was editing, but every time it switched to Koror, it was Tom and somebody moving that box. Tom and Ian. Tom by himself. Tom and Ian again. Tom and…uh…is there anyone else on Koror? Anyway, long story short, Tom is He-Man, and while Ulong can’t stand underwater for more than ten seconds, Tom is heaving and hoing, and they get the box to them way before Ulong is even close. They retrieve their Morse code, go up on the beach, and start deciphering the clever phrase they need for immmunity…..Immunity. *slaps forehead* BAD MARK BURNETT. BAD. NO CREATIVE POINTS. Anyway, as a slap in the face to all those Ulong at home watching, we see them dragging the box and seeing the “30” marker pop up as Koror wins immunity.
Have we learned a lesson today? Yes we have. Koror = fish. Ulong = monkey. Land challenge = Ulong domination. Water challenge = Koror domination. Let’s see if it holds.
Ashlee comments that everyone was disappointed that they lost, and on top of it all, oh my gawd it’s raining and maybe our fire went out. Hunny, this is Survivor. That happens. A plague of locusts wouldn’t phase me on Survivor. I’d just assume it was a twist. Anyway, Angie and Stephenie and somebody (I think it was James) are discussing who to vote for, and they say Kim because of the Jeff and Kim sex party going on at night. James is irritated because Kim didn’t even help at all at the challenge. Jeff, of course, tells Stephenie he wants to vote for Ashlee because she’s slowing down. (“And her boobs aren’t mine for playing with.” He says to himself when Stephenie leaves.) BJ tells Stephenie that Kim and Ashlee are really the same, it just depends on who he feels like he wants to vote for. He doesn’t feel threatened by Jeff and Kim yet. Stephenie is annoyed because herself, Angie, Ashlee, and James all want to vote out Kim, but BJ is the cornerstone and undecided. Kim wants to know if she’s being voted out, and tells James to tell her, and James gives her a wink and the finger point/gun thing and says ok.
At TC, um, Jeff asks some questions to Ulong. Honestly I wasn’t paying much attention at this point because I could care less what happens to Ulong. I think Kim almost cried in there at some point, and there was major denyage by Jeff and Kim that there was any “alliance” going on. To be honest, I get major Sook-Jai vibes from this group, with James being the Robb of the group. (as in, the only entertaining one on in the bunch…you either love him or hate him, but he’s the entertaining one regardless)
So they vote. Ibrehehehehehem speaks his first words of the episode, saying that he’s voting for Kim because Ashlee picked him in the tribal pick ’em and he’s just being honorable or something. They really just showed his voting confessional to remind you that he’s actually on the show. Jeff votes for Ashlee and says that “he’s a man of his word, and to be honest you just bug the hell out of me.” The part we don’t see is him saying “You bug me because I can’t see those big knockers of yours and can’t use them as pillows.”
Anyway, in a vote of 6-1-1, Ashlee is voted out. Kim gets a vote (from Ibe) and Jeff gets a vote (from Ashlee). I love the WTF? look that Jeff gets when he sees his name come up. (Ashlee knows what I know. That Jeff’s an ass. Not you Jeff, the other Jeff. Yeah, you Jeff.)
Ashlee’s Final Words: I’m so incredibly grateful for this opportunity, my tribe sensed that I was ready to go home, and I’m sorry I didn’t use the excuse that I was cold to cuddle up to Ibrehem, he’s cute. (Oh gawd, please Ashlee don’t ruin my perfect image of you.)
Next Time: Koror goes hunting (SHARK ATTACK!), Ulong runs into a problem when Jeff has leg problems (..must…hold…back..laughter…), and Caryn and Katie get into a fight (ohhhh, yeah, THEY are on Koror. I forgot.)
So basically, this season is not impressing me too much. I can count the number of people I care about on one hand, and add the people that I can accurately describe and have distinct personalities on the same hand. I like Coby, James, Tom, and Ian. I hate Jeff. There are, in fact, 11 other people left on the show. But really, they fail to entertain me and I honestly don’t really care about them either. Okay, I care about Mr. Miyagi. Because he’s fun. But the other 10, I find it much more entertaining to make fun of them. Why were people excited for this season again? I think about 15 million people are going to shoot me for this, but bring back Vanuatu. Please. E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have a different opinion. (Everyone probably does.)