— By Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
The Fab Five are in dress-down outfits, which is new file footage, as they run out to their SUV for yet another make-over. Michael is the straight guy of the day. He’s 31 and owns a motorcycle repair shop. Carson refers to him as a “biker dude.” Since he’s owned the shop, MotorMike has worked really long hours and hasn’t had a girlfriend in three years. He’s very stressed. Ted suggests that he’s also very horny. All the guys chime in in unison, “Horny!”
MotorMike likes 21-year-old Courtney but she hasn’t quite warmed up to him yet. Perhaps it’s because he washes his hair only twice a year. Can we say head lice?
MotorMike is looking to expand his business. He’s throwing a party for investors. Thom says that MotorMike is “so not ready” for the party. Their mission: Get him ready to win over the investors and the girl. Or, as Carson says, fix the “grease monkey.”
Credits: I wish all traffic lights changed to the beat of the music.
It’s a mad dash into MotorMike’s place. The guys immediately rush for his hair and smell it. He’s a bit grungy. His hair looks like it could be in dreadlocks or it’s matted like dog’s fur. He’s unshaven and wears faded black. His place has white walls and is messy. Just like every other guy’s place we’ve ever seen, so no details are really necessary here. Well, maybe one detail: he’s decorated the place with sharp metal objects and gun-related materials. Carson calls out “Sprockets!”
As the boys shift and shimmy around the place, they decide it’s “no place for open-toed shoes.” Ted opens a small box that’s lying around. “These are bullets . . . for a gun.” He closes the box quickly and leaves it alone. Heehee.
Thom surveys the dining area. “Why does he have all these weapons . . . and a tablecloth on the wall?” Ha!
Kyan is in the bathroom, being appalled as usual. He grabs MotorMike’s toothbrush and holds it out to Ted. “Would you use this on your teeth?” Ted is completely grossed out by it and says, “I wouldn’t use that to clean my toilet!” Double Ha!
Thom finds some very tacky Vegas memorabilia. Kyan finds a guitar and plays while Jai sings, “I’m a straight guy who never washes my hair!” They’re so entertaining.
Jai then finds a yo-yo amid the mess. He yo-yos for a bit. Then he comments, “When he’s finished with the weapons, he plays with a yo-yo.”
Over in the kitchen, they find a pitcher with sticky stuff in it. MotorMike explains it’s sangria left over from a year ago. Omigod, how does he not have roaches?
Carson finds all black in the wardrobe. All black. Seriously. Then he complains about the egg crates on the mattress. Sigh. I had those in college.
Ted finds a bunch of birthday cards and notes that most of them say something encouraging MotorMike to be happy. Ted asks, “Are you a moody person?” MotorMike denies being moody in a very moody fashion. Don’t piss off the man with the guns, Ted. Just walk away.
Meanwhile, Thom has made tiny pig tails in the front of his head. He’s now playing the guitar and singing about ugly walls.
Jai talks to MotorMike about starting a new business. He says that it’s going to be a great opportunity to meet all the investors at the party. They will bring about great changes. Thanks, Master of the Obvious.
Thom finds the leather couch under a bunch of crap. He says, “The couch is broken.” I never knew a couch could be broken. This one is. And it has nails protruding from it. Nice. Carson grabs onto a hanging light fixture and says, “This lamp commemorates the year of the electrical fire.” Heehee. The living room is such a hazard area.
Kyan finds out that MotorMike is stressed. Kyan’s response: “oh, that’s not good.” At least Kyan isn’t unhealthily obsessed with the hair this episode. However, this would be the perfect episode to harp on the hair considering it’s a dirty rats’ nest.
Thom decides he likes the circular sprocket things on the wall but they’re not displayed properly. He says that galleries would put them together in different ways and not, as MotorMike has done, hang them on a random nail in the wall. MotorMike admits that his décor is “cheap and stupid.” And how about far from child friendly?
Dang, I spoke too soon. Here’s Kyan having The Talk with MotorMike. “And how long have you worn your hair like that?” “Since I was 17, 16.” “Does Courtney like it?” What? How about asking about why he doesn’t wash it? Who cares if Courtney likes it? Whatever. Courtney’s not even coming to the party so MotorMike is bummed and his hair is the least of his problems when it comes to her. Apparently, she doesn’t give him the time of day. Or night.
Carson is back to the black wardrobe. MotorMike says that black is cool. Carson says it’s boring. Thom suggests it’s very “Unabomber.” Umm, didn’t I say last recap that it’s NEVER OKAY TO COMPARE SOMEONE TO A MURDERER? Yeah, it’s still not okay. Carson asks MotorMike what he thinks he should wear when meeting with the investors. MotorMike disgruntledly says a suit. Carson suggests a sport coat and maybe a leather pant. MotorMike is much happier with that. Carson gives him a hug. Aww.
Ted breaks the news to MotorMike that he’s going to cook for the party. MotorMike responds, “Cook for fifty people? What am I suddenly a navy chef? Can’t I get it catered?” Ted answers simply, “No!” MotorMike complains that there’s no time. Ted says, “Make time.” God, I so love Ted when he gets tough!
It’s time to take MotorMike shopping so they jump into the SUV. One of the FF says, “Buckle up!” MotorMike says, “I’d rather die than wear a seatbelt.” Well, you will, Mikey, you idiot.
Total side note—I used to date a guy who absolutely refused to wear his seatbelt because it “annoyed” him. Just think about what’s more annoying: a seatbelt that may irritate your neck or huge beer gut (he liked to drink…) or a tree branch jutting through your abdomen and eye socket because you’ve been thrown from a vehicle because you were in an accident and didn’t wear your seatbelt? I’m just saying.
MotorMike’s co-worker says his hair is a big issue.
MotorMike’s friend says that the ladies look and say, “Excuse me? No.”
Ted asks MotorMike if he’s bummed that Courtney’s not coming. He is. Never fear—it’s Jai to the rescue. He tells MotorMike that he called Courtney and got her to come and not to ask how he did it. Well that stipulation is kind of shady.
Ted asks if MotorMike is scared of not being ready for the evening. MotorMike says that he’s a control freak and meeting investors is like meeting potential partners and that means giving up control. So he’s freaking. On the inside, apparently, because his voice is so monotone. Jai says, “your excitement never ceases to amaze me.” Heehee.
They arrive at Queens County Cycles and meet old man Martin who wears a very spiffy suit. He tells MotorMike that he needs to write a business plan and be careful with investors. MotorMike needs to convince the bank or the investors that he’s worth investing in. A good business plan will get him there, and Martin will help with it. How kind. We like Martin in the spiffy suit.
Ted takes MotorMike to plan out the party. He suggests having the bar at one end and the food at the other to ensure a constant flow of people. That’s a really good idea! He also tells MotorMike to clear out all the bikes except for one, which should be a focal point. Then he should clean up some of the grease stains on the floor. Heehee.
At Natuzzi, Thom wants to give MotorMike a leather story in the living room. Obligatory couch sitting. They find a red-brown low rider leather sofa that MotorMike loves. Next, Thom shows him a natural leather pony skin cow hide hairy chair. At least I think that’s what he called it. MotorMike says it’s not something he would automatically pick out because it looks like a cow. Thom says, “Well, your house is a sad place.” HA! Comedy from the master.
Next up is rugs. MotorMike hates rugs because they have to be vacuumed and he doesn’t own a vacuum and “doesn’t want to deal with them.” Some things in life you have to deal with. Then again, we’re contending with a man who also wants nothing to do with shampoo on a regular basis.
Moving onto home décor. MotorMike hates knickknacks. No vases. They don’t look enough like sprockets. Thom is exasperated and sends him off to Carson before throwing the vases.
Carson complains, “You look like you don’t even like me!” MotorMike ensures him that he likes him. Carson says that the clothes are very European and Mexican and they should be able to find something. He “embraces” the black and offers a cowboy shirt with white stitching. Then he shows him a green shirt. MotorMike doesn’t like much. He doesn’t like color. He does like a plain shirt that Carson finds. Carson finds a fake gun and threatens MotorMike with it. MotorMike isn’t scared. He may be a robot.
Onto western wear. MotorMike doesn’t like cowboy boots. Carson tells him, “Turn that frown upside down sad clown” and goes into the whole frowning takes more muscles thing. Then there’s a very uncomfortable silence while Carson waits for MotorMike to smile. Eventually, he does for whatever reason.
While MotorMike changes, his cell phone rings. Carson answers it, “Queens County Cycles, big queen speaking.” Then he shouts that he can see MotorMike’s penis. Then he tells MotorMike to call his mother when they’re done. Ha! Ha!
He gives MotorMike Rayband aviator sunglasses and a jacket. MM likes the jacket. But not much else. He tells Carson that he feels like a jackass. Carson says, “Maybe that’s because you ARE a jackass.” Heehee. Keep the comedy coming. They agree on the cowboy shirt but Carson, exasperated, will look for a better fitting jacket for the jackass.
Ted then takes MM shopping for food. MM still wants catering. Ted refuses. He’s going to teach MotorMike some easy dips. They buy paprika, pine nuts, walnuts, chick peas—MM guesses that he’s making hummus. Better yet, MM likes hummus!
Moving onto Kyan in the salon. He introduces MotorMike to Joey the stylist. He says that Joey matches MM’s aesthetic. Joey’s a jackass, too? Kyan says that if he had hair like MM’s he would either wear it in an afro or shave it all off. MotorMike asks appalled, “SHAVE?” Joey says that if he buzzes it off, it will grow back. MM bursts out, “Cut it off!” and throws up his arms. Kyan screeches like a little girl. Buzz buzz buzz. The facial hair comes off. The hair gets lopped off. Then Joey buzzes down to the scalp. Kyan says, “You look good. Sexy.” A blonde lady in a pink dress comes over and says, “Hubba hubba” and gushes over him. MotorMike’s reaction? “It’s a bald head.” Kyan admonishes, “You know it looks good.” No, Kyan, YOU know it looks good. Because you’re obsessed with men cutting their hair and you should know.
In all honesty, it looks better than the Medusa thing he had going. And now he doesn’t have to worry about all that upkeep that goes along with long hair. Oh, wait, he didn’t worry about that anyway.
MM’s co-worker says that the apartment is mainly for sleeping.
MM’s female friends says there are a lot of biker magazines with naked chicks lying around.
In the SUV, MotorMike thinks Courtney will point and laugh at his new haircut. Because she’s twelve?
Kyan asks MM if he’s learned anything. MM says he’s learned to accept change. He has? I guess the bald head is a sign of acceptance, but he hasn’t been all too keen about anything else. Yet. (ooh, I’m learning the art of suspense).
Back to the apartment. The walls are a gray-blue. The couch and chair from the store are there. MM loves it! He hugs Thom! Aww. The bed has white bedding and a leather paneled headboard that was custom-made. MotorMike says that he had doubted the guys but he’s not one to hold back his opinion, and he had just been honest. But now he’s happy. Especially since Thom found him a woven leather rug! It will last forever!
Back in the living room, Thom shows off the artwork he created. Each sprocket is now in a white picture box in a pattern on the wall over the couch. No more tablecloth hanging there either. There’s another rug there, too. MM is okay with that. MotorMike calls his apartment “a pleasure.” That’s actually a cool way to describe it, and Thom is touched by it. Aww, bonding.
Kyan brings over a metal wheel to the couch and sits with MM. He says that he wants MM to practice meditation-lite. He should find a state of mindlessness and focus on just the wheel and not on peeing. Oops, that should be mindFULness. Simple mistake. Either way, MM is up for it because he likes wheels and metal and not peeing and getting a bladder infection.
In the kitchen, Ted explains that they bought MM all new pots and pans and dishes from Target because all his old stuff was covered with either mold or year-old sangria. First they make infused parsley oil in a Cuisinart and squeeze it through cheesecloth. Then they make hummus, which Ted says, “Couldn’t be easier.” They throw all the “stuff” in the Cuisinart and press a button. He serves the hummus by swirling it around on a plate and drizzling the oil over it.
Next they throw together some oil, onions, walnuts, pepper, cumin, and salt and voila! It’s muhamamamamamahahadada or something like that. MM calls it too subtle, but now that he has the basics, he plans to spice it up for the party.
Carson takes MotorMike into the bedroom to make out with him. No, just kidding. But wouldn’t that be a fun twist in plot? So Carson is concerned with MM’s outfit that has to please a bunch of different people. He shows MM some boots that are made out of a single piece of leather each so there are no seams and no water leakage. He says to use a hard brush to clean them, some cream to condition them, and a silicone spray to protect them, “like an invisible condom for your shoe.” Heehee. He said, “condom.”
Carson gives him earrings that have his shop’s logo on them. MotorMike says, “It’s an actual gift!” He says that Carson is thoughtful and that it means something. He shows emotion! He’s not a robot after all. Carson says that he also got MM a necklace and then proclaims himself “so nice!”
Instead of the boot, Carson suggests MM wear checkered Vans. What? I’m so objecting to that. Bikers do not wear checkered Vans. Maybe taxicab drivers do. But bikers do not. Carson also makes MM wear new boxers and MM makes him go into the closet while he changes into them. He then puts on military luxury nylon pants, a black t-shirt with a biker company logo on it (it’s the company he wants to do business with which I think is cheesy but the FF think is a good business move), the cowboy shirt, an unconstructed sport coat, and a bandana in the pocket. So he’s wearing basically everything in his closet all at once. The FF applaud.
MotorMike is not loving the Vans. Kyan tells him to embrace change. MM likes the shirt and the sport coat but doesn’t feel sexy. Jai exclaims, “You don’t?” He’s genuinely shocked. Carson throws a hissy fit, throws some clothes on the floor, shouts, “I don’t care!” and storms into the other room, slamming the door behind him. Heehee.
Jai then gives MM a lesson on how to remember names. Repeat them and use word association. “Like with a name like Kyan—it’s Ryan with a K.” WHAT? Wouldn’t that be Kryan? Then he tells MotorMike to meet as many people and collect as many business cards as he can. MM is like, Of course! He may be dirty, but he’s not an idiot.
Champagne and last words of advice in the living room. MotorMike appreciates the FF’s thoughts about everything, and it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it? MM says that he needs a moment to get used to the baldness and the new stuff. He says, “To make it me, I have to live it.” That’s cool. They toast to “making it your own way.”
As they jump into the SUV, Thom yells, “Hit the bricks, yo!” I so hope he’s joking.
Casting Call: The Queer Eye folk are looking for a son, a father, a grandfather, and a great-grandfather to make over. I assume they mean from the same family, but they don’t specify.
What? No recycled Hip Tip this episode?
MM’s co-worker says that MotorMike has no business experience but is a smart guy.
On the Critic Couch, Thom yells, “Hide the silver! The greasers are here!” Carson responds, “Okay, Ponyboy.” Everyone loves an “Outsiders” reference! So cool! So literary! Carson’s ready for some “hot biker action.” Kick on the “get your motor runnin” music.
MotorMike’s kitchen skills motor is out of service. He’s having an extremely difficult time with the Cuisinart. Ted calls out, “Be one with the Cuisinart!” as Kyan advises, “Be mindful!” MM then starts to put the wrong oil into the food processor. Kyan thinks MM is going into a “dark place.” Frustration abounds! MM struggles more with the food. Carson recalls that MM was a tool while shopping. Thom says, “Two words: jack ass.” They fear he may become that jackass tool again and give up. Ted is beside himself. He says, “This man builds motor vehicles!” So why can’t he operate a simple kitchen appliance?
Well, he can! Kyan points and yells, “He’s got it, Ted!” MM makes infused oil. Then hummus. He swirls and drizzles like a pro. Then he makes some Hudammamamaaaddhaamama. Perfect.
He changes into the black pants and t-shirt. Then he puts on the cowboy shirt, elating the FF. Only to let them down when he murmurs, “I can’t wear this shit,” and strips it off in disgust. Thom says, “He’s going through a moment.” However, MM wears the Vans. The very non-biker Vans. Okay then. They clap because none of them are bikers and none of them will beat him up for wearing the Vans. I’m not even a biker and I would beat him up for wearing them. Anyways, I guess it’s not about me right now (although it’s usually always about me…) MotorMike puts on the blazer. They clap some more. Ted says that it’s going to be a bitch carrying the hummus on a motorcycle to the shop. He then says that he’s sent over some more food to make sure MM is covered. I should hope so because one plate of hummus and one plate of mahammamahhhaaaddda won’t feed fifty people. It wouldn’t even feed me and I’m one person (see? See how it all comes back to being about me?).
Over in the shop, there are lots of shiny bikes all lined up. MotorMike enters shouting, “What’s up, boys?” His co-workers yell, “Oh, man!” MM is barely recognizable. One guy cackles. Kyan says, “Don’t point and laugh! Embrace it!” Wow, someone over the age of twelve actually points and laughs. Who knew? Carson says, “I’d like to embrace him.”
Ted complains that they guys are setting up the party the wrong way. They’re putting the bar on the wrong side. Suddenly, people arrive and MM goes into hiding. When enough people are there, he walks in with his sunglasses on. He stands on the outskirts of the circle of friends and family. Moves closer. No one recognizes him, which is pretty funny. Finally, one woman says, “Oh no!” and laughs. Now there’s a reaction you don’t want.
Everyone finally realizes it’s him. They hug and kiss him. They like it. Courtney is there. She likes it. She’s a cute little blonde chick who looks, well, like she’s twenty-one. And she is, so there. Some of them check out his butt.
Men in suits enter. MM doesn’t show them his butt. He talks about what he wants to do with the shop. He offers a strong handshake. He takes their cards. He never puts down his beer. The Fab Five approve of his interaction, except for the beer part.
More suits. More business talk. Some guy says he could offer between 100 and 200 thousand. Jeez, can I have some of that?
Cut to the bar. It’s completely unorganized and in utter disarray. However, everyone has a beer, so that’s not impeding the consumption of alcohol. Ted is still annoyed that it’s not set up right. Such a perfectionist, Ted is.
Next, MM meets people from Confederate. This is the real deal and the company he really wants to work with. He rides a motorcycle down the street. The Confederate people like his garage and are impressed and interested. Ted says the bike is a “sweet ride.” He’s so macho. MM gets a leather jacket from the Confederate people and is blown away. He says, “Holy cow!” That’s so macho, too.
Thom says that MM “got the business” and now he has to “get the girl.” Enter Courtney once again. MotorMike says he did all this for her. She laughs. More flirting. Then some kissy kissy stuff. Wow, she changed her tune rather quickly. She wasn’t even coming to the shindig and now she’s the party favor. MM asks her, “What are you doing later?” As an answer, she molests his cheek and they get all kissy a bit more.
MotorMike thanks everyone for coming and he thanks “the queers and the straights.” Who are “the straights”? Is that a new band I should be aware of? The Fab Five toast along with him.
Carson says that MM turned the tides. Ted says that he now has a more open mind. Carson toasts to MotorMike on the highway of success.
Carson says that you can get gum off your shoe with WD-40 and a scraper.
Thom says to put furniture on towels when you move it so you don’t scratch the floor.
Jai says to work on your good posture and that soldiers are cute.
Kyan says that a big wallet can cause back pain so take it out of your butt when you sit.
Ted says pluck out the pits in olives before you choke on them.
And a medusa-haired motorman becomes the bald eagle of the bike shop of his dreams—and he got the girl, too! Ah, the American dream comes alive with a little help from his five gay friends.
What’s with the Vans? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com