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Pitches, B*tches, and a New Show! – The Surreal Life 4, Episode 5

by Samantha

This week begins with the Surreal Lifers jolted awake by what sounds like another mini-pee episode! Moans are heard throughout the house … waking everyone in it. No my friends, Verne isn’t in the corner peeing again – it just so happens to be Christopher Knight lifting weights. He sounds like a deer in its last agonizing throes of life. Chris is wearing the worst imaginable outfit EVER to work out in. Not only does it not match, it’s just UGLY. Adrienne is doing stretches next to him on the floor, wearing a red top and underwear-defying shorts. Chris pretends he doesn’t notice her amazingly taught buns … but we know better. He lets us in on the fact that she is the most “amazingly beautiful woman I have ever seen.” Adrienne is shown on the treadmill; the camera man was having a GREAT time considering the view … all butt, which, I may add, is an amazing behind.

Surreal Times arrives informing the celebs that they will be given the chance to pitch TV show ideas to the giant heads of VH1. Will there be a wee man behind a curtain like the Wizard of Oz? Ideas are thrown around by the cast. Adrienne suggests getting Verne to do stunts. “Give ‘em some initiative! Shoot him outta a cannon into my boobs!” Somehow, I think Verne would do this. Brat, alas, is not talking to the rest of the gang. (BIG surprise) She doesn’t think anyone but her is taking this seriously. Because she isn’t a has been. Brat has to make sure she gets this show so she can make money, even though she doesn’t need any cause she’s an A-list rapper.

The gang jumps into the Surreal Van (could you stand cruising in a van with your freaking picture on it?) and heads over to the MTV/VH1 offices. The magnificent seven arrives and is greeted by Missy, Chyna Dolls friend, manager, and roommate. OH MY GOD. This woman has had so much plastic surgery that she could easily be compared to Mr. Wacko Jacko himself. Personally, I think she was called in not to help Chyna with her pitch, but to restock her stimulant department, if you know what I mean. The freak show runs amok, talking, bouncing saline injections, a non stop annoyance. After asking Adrienne if she was a lesbian and if she had her lips done (which Adrienne handled rather calmly), it was time for the interviews.

First up is Jane. She walks into the office and notes a LONG table she must sit at the end of. 3 big giant heads of VH1 (Jeff, Jill, and Linda I think) ask Jane to pitch it. Jane starts off by saying she lives in a 600 square foot house on a coffee plantation in Panama. WOW. She’s Jane of The Jungle! She goes on to describe the monkeys running about her home, naming her show “Monkey Mountain”. “This is discovery channel stuff” note the execs..”What does it have to do with VH1?” Jane then replies, “Umm…well….cause I’m a rock star?” Tell em Jane! NEXT!

Chris is next up to bat. When asked to describe his show, he proves the little time he put into thinking it up. “Celebrity Chariot Racing.” This buys some glares and stares from the giant heads. “We will put celebrities in dangerous situations that may very well result in death.” Although I believe this would be a great way to rid ourselves of the likes of Omarosa and Trishelle, the big heads don’t like the word “Lawsuit”. NEXT!

Marcus and Verne come in for a swing. Marcus informs us that this show would be “some sort of comedy variety awards show.” Taking snippets of good moments of TV and movies. Have we not seen BEST WEEK EVER? Oh yeah, he’s from Sweden. NEXT!!

Brat waltzes in and pitches a show called “Brutally Honest”. This is a chance for her to be mean and ruthless, telling people why she doesn’t like them and what they need to change. Isn’t this what she’s already been doing??? When asked if she could be honest with exec. Jeff she replies, “One ear is bigger then the other…maybe you can get some plastic surgery and fix it.” “GET OUT” was his response. This show should be called “Brutally Rude”. NEXT!!!!!!!!!

In walks in the stunning amazon Adrienne. “Beauty and The Brady” is her working title. (Best one so far!) She asks for two weeks to get Christopher Knight to ask her to marry him. Shock and disbelief from the big heads. Wasn’t she supposed to like the equally stunning Marcus?? When the bee sting wears off Jeff asks “Cant you do this now? You have a little over a week left.” Adrianne responds with “If I can make money off it, I’ll hold off.” This girl is smarter then I thought. NEXT!!!

Here it comes. The train wreck to end all train wrecks. Missy and Chyna walk in, and the panel is already shaking. “Man-eaters” is the shows’ working title. Missy and Chyna then proceed to crawl on the table, sit in the women execs laps, nibble on Jeff’s ear and explain how they will get revenge on men by stealing shopping carts from the homeless. God Help Us! After the departure of Hurricane Missy ‘n Chyna, the execs look like they can use a drink or two.

Back at the Mansion again (minus Missy) the Surreal Lifers wait for the final judgment. Who can extend the meager 15 minutes given to them? The phone rings and is answered on speaker phone. It’s Big Giant head Jeff! Jane is given a “NO!” Marcus and Verne? “NO!” Chris? “NO! Chyna? “NOOOO!” Adrienne? Jeff blows her cover on the marriage idea. Adrienne is embarrassed and covers her face. The other roomies try to pry outa her what exactly her idea was. Now to Brat … Brat gets the show! Are you kidding?? I will NEVER, EVER watch this show. This woman his full of hate, and deserves it in return!

Adrienne runs off to the kitchen to hide, but is followed by both Chris and Jane. Chris tells Adrienne it’s time for a chat. She informs Chris of her idea and is hurt when Chris laughs at her for it. Chris tells her to drop the act, and to basically leave him alone. What team do you bat for Chris?? Adrienne looks like she is about to cry, grabs a drink with the rest of the gang and tries to suck it up. Many drinks later (the whole gang is getting wasted) Adrienne and ManChyna wrestle. This girl has BALLS to go against this thing. We get a great shot of very pretty undies on Adrienne, yet the camera man graces us with NOT having to see Chyna’s… Thank you Mr. Camera Man! Chris then follows Adrienne outside to tell her she is modeling herself off of Chyna. Adrienne is very upset and adds, “Why would I want to choose as a role model someone who is in self destruct mode?” I agree. I see no comparison between the two.

Brat decides to practice her show right there and busts out a mic to start digging into Adrienne. Adrienne looks very uncomfortable about this “Brutally Honest Episode.” Didn’t she get embarrassed and torn into enough? Brat doesn’t seem to think so. She sets it up so Chris can start ripping into Adrienne, who, by the way, looks like she’s about to bolt right outta there. Chris states Adrienne is beautiful but he questions her motives. Adrianne takes the mic and tells him she finds him attractive, but if he can’t like her for her, he can walk! Adrianne runs off to the bathroom to cry. I feel sorry for the girl. She was attacked by the cast about her crush the second exec Jeff let the cat out of the bag; attacked by her man accusing her of wanting to be Chyna; and attacked AGAIN by the cast on the Chris thing. Nothing a little booze can’t fix!

Next week … Ron Jeremy as Cupid? Chris and Adrienne talk about a “relationship”… and Jane gets Kinky!

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