home Archive “You’re No Donald Trump!” – The Apprentice 3, Episode 5

“You’re No Donald Trump!” – The Apprentice 3, Episode 5

“You’re No Donald Trump!” – The APPRENTICE 3, Episode 5

By: Cori Linder

He believed he was the less expensive version of Donald Trump, but would this cost Michael everything and lead to a poor standing with the billionaire?

When the Net Worth team members return to the suite, nobody—especially Audrey—seems to miss Kristen. Audrey unleashes her anger towards Kristen, saying that she (Audrey) is a nice person until you cross her. I become immediately grateful that I am not near an intersection.

It’s apparent that Michael is also far away from any intersection for he seems to be living in “La La Land” (or “Michael Land” as Erin refers to it) where he sees himself as identical to Mr. Trump. Perhaps, he should be comparing himself more to John Belushi.

The challenge:

Jill Kramer is substituting for Carolyn this week, but there seems to be no real difference—same stoic expression, just a darker shade of hair color.

For this task, the teams will be doing business on wheels (adjoined to 28-foot Airstream trailers). Using their Visa credit card with an amount of $5,000, they need to design each trailer and create almost any type of service business. The team who generates the most revenue wins.

Assigning project managers:

Net Worth – Tana immediately volunteers to be the project manager because she wants to prove she is a leader. She believes they will destroy those “pencil-neck geeks” on the other team. Did she forget that Michael would be in that group?

Magna – Bren will be the project manager and soon realizes that his group tends to over analyze things and lacks creativity. (Where’s Danny when you need him?)


Magna decides to create a massage business although Stephanie objects to the idea. They eventually hire a massage therapist. While the others check out the trailer, Erin, Stephanie and Michael are in charge of finding a location and developing a marketing plan. “Massage-a-go-go,” says an almost giddy Michael. “You’re a pig-a-go-go,” responds Erin. Not only is Michael continually sticking his foot in his mouth, he seems to be gnawing on it. The “think before speak” axiom doesn’t apply here.

Led by Tana, Net Worth opts to go out of the box and hire a casting agent to meet with prospective actors. Angie is thrilled with the idea and tries to recruit the casting agents via cold calls. Finally, they find one.

Meanwhile, on the Magna team, Erin and Michael bicker about the business name while Stephanie complains about the dirty kitchen. Michael seems more concerned with eating than with the task at hand.

Food has apparently spilled onto the other team members for Bren asks Michael, Erin and Stephanie to spend time buying and delivering cheeseburgers. This request repulses Stephanie, prompting her to complain some more.


After a slow start, Net Worth’s mobile business begins to roll. For $25, a person can meet with the casting agent and discuss acting opportunities. Soon, there is a long line of customers. The team’s success is due, in part, to talking with prospective customers and informing them about the chance-of-a-lifetime opportunity. The casting agent is even hiring customers for actual acting jobs.

Magna’s “City Spa on the Move” business opens, and the team members turn into street hustlers trying to recruit customers. Paying no attention to the pink flyers in his hand, Michael fears his male ego might deflate if he solicits men to buy massages.

In the boardroom…

George, Mr. Trump, and Jill enter the boardroom, and I am suddenly missing Carolyn and her snide expressions and remarks.

The results are very close, but Net Worth slightly edges out Magna for the win. Their reward is to visit Mikimoto where Miss Universe and Miss USA will help them to spend $20,000 on pearls. Tana buys cuff links for her husband, and I’m wondering, “Is this woman too good to be true?”

Meanwhile Magna prepares to get down and dirty in the boardroom. Michael believes his team members are evil while Bren, decked out in his innocent-looking multi-colored bow tie, reveals that he’s going to come out as a “vicious and mean son-of-a-bitch.”

Back in the boardroom, the I’m-a-carbon-copy-of-The-Donald Michael is donning a pink tie—perhaps Mr. Trump predicted this and chose to wear a navy blue tie.

Bickering, sarcasm and insults permeate the boardroom while Erin’s witty one-liners please Mr. Trump. Bren complains about pompous Michael and negative Stephanie, which has polluted the entire team. Erin claims they had to be street hustlers but Michael lacked passion.

Bren brings Stephanie and Michael back into the boardroom, and Jill comes to life a bit more. Interrupting Bren’s complaints about Stephanie, Michael foolishly sticks his foot in his mouth again and leaves it there. “How stupid can you be?” Mr. Trump asks. “You claim to be like me? The difference is that I work hard. You’ve been lazy; you’ve been nothing but trouble…” Michael is fired. And then, something a bit odd (and desperate) follows—Michael hands Mr. Trump his business card as though he believes they can one day be business partners.

From the beginning, Michael saw himself in Donald Trump and basked in their supposed similarities. Perhaps it won’t be until the end of the cab drive home when Michael will notice his vinyl seat, the running meter on the dashboard, the back of his driver’s head, and the gum that is so often stuck to the side of the door, and realize that his taxi cab was not the limousine that drove home Mr. Trump.

Until next time…

Quotes of the week:

“The only thing separating me and Donald Trump is a few billion dollars. I think we’re the same people. He likes eastern European women; I only date eastern European women exclusively.” – Michael

“When Bren decided the name, Michael threw a five-year-old temper tantrum. ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy’…and I was like, ‘Now Michael, Mommy is busy.’ ” – Erin

“If I were to empty out a swimming pool and fill it up with an inch full of water, that would describe Stephanie—shallow.” – Bren

“Mr. Trump, Michael has become the boardroom cliché.” – Erin


Freelance writer, webmaster of realityshack.com, chief editor at applemagazine.com, contribtor to TechLife News and maketecheasier.com, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.