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The Very Unnecessary Make-Over of Kristen: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Episode 1. 6

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

The Gal Pals climb on into the SUV once again to make over a down-on-her-luck straight girl. Only this time, the straight girl really doesn’t need a make-over at all and there’s really no reason to have her on the show other than to televise her wedding and give her a lot of free stuff.

Kristen is a thirty-four year old Irish-Italian-Catholic. She has what Danny calls a “Brad Pitt Boyfriend.” His name is Peter and he’s from Copenhagen. That’s in Denmark, where I’m planning a vacation this summer! Kristen and BradPeter are getting married in less than eight hours. Robbie exclaims, “I need a dress!” So does Kristen, and I think hers is a bit more important. He loves Kristen because she loves Gucci. She also has dreamed of a European wedding. Damon suggests an intimate Tuscan theme. And that’s the first of many, many times Damon will say Tuscan in this episode. Let’s count them for fun!

Credits. Flippy dress or stiff A-line…that animated girl has got it all.

The GP pull the SUV up to a house in the Hollywood Hills. They’re all impressed with the big house until they run up the path to the door. Danny comments, “Looks like the gardener hasn’t been here in a while.” The plants are a little sparse and sad.

Kristen opens the door in a blonde ponytail and nothing else! No, just kidding. She’s not wearing a red shirt which has been a common motif for all these straight girls. She’s wearing a fitted, dark, ¾ sleeve shirt and a pretty little necklace. No make-up but, in this case, she REALLY doesn’t need it. Why is she getting made over?

BradPeter emerges wearing all black. How Euro. The place is pretty nice. Neutral shades on the walls. A nice brown couch and a few chairs. A rug with a circular pattern. In the kitchen, there’s a plate of chocolate chip cookies on the counter. Danny’s like, “Oh, she baked for us. She knew we were coming.” He’s joking, of course. But Kristen responds, “Yeah, I did bake and they are for you.” The GP all awwww over her. That is kinda sweet and it’s a nice ‘thank you.’ Maybe she’s on the show because she’s giving them free cookies. She obviously doesn’t need pointers in the kitchen either.

Honey actually asks her why she’s getting made-over. Kristen says, “Everyone could be better.” She had that excuse planned for a while.

Damon says that the place is really nice. He finds mold on something in the kitchen that he pulls out from some deep dark place. I have a feeling he may have planted it there just to find something wrong with the place. So instead of a make-over, maybe Kristen needs a good Mold and Fungus Remover Guy.

Danny is not so big on the dust factor. He finds dust everywhere. He finds a bottle of champagne or wine and says, “This is nice to offer guests but only when there’s not an inch of dust covering it.” He gets half a Ha for that.

In the bathroom, Honey has found a bath bomb. Apparently, it’s a soothing bath thing that turns the water blood-red so when you climb in, it looks as if you have slit your wrists and drifted off to a happy place. Kristen walks in and is taken aback. “I was saving that for like two years.” HA! Now that’s comedy.

The GP raid the bedroom, which they think is bleaker than the rest of the house. The walls are dull and there’s a bed with dull bedding. Danny finds his favorite thing in the bedroom—he holds up Kristen’s thong. She claims that it’s BradPeter’s.

Then Danny hits the jackpot of embarrassment when he climbs into the far reaches of the closet and finds Kristen’s stash of NON-DESIGNER CLOTHES! OH, THE HORROR! Seriously, if that’s the worst she can do, she doesn’t need a make-over.

Damon and BradPeter chat it up in the bedroom. He calls Kristen a control freak, but in a loving way. Damon asks what kind of celebration he wants. BradPeter says a glamorous party “to celebrate us.” Damon says, “well, it should be about the both of you.” Because it’s a wedding, you know.

Back in the closet, Danny finds a leopard coat. Then he pulls out a shirt that looks like it’s made out of gold satiny stuff. Kristen claims it will come back in style one day. If not, she can always wear her Gucci stuff.

Damon asks BradPeter what changes he wants to see in the bedroom. BradPeter says, “a cushioned headboard.” Damon says, “Oh, OH!” Yup, you’ve gotta watch out for those Europeans. They’ll tell you how it is.

In the kitchen, Danny and Kristen dish about BradPeter. First off, BP is learning Spanish while Kristen is teaching herself French. This is sickening to me because it’s just too perfectly cute. However, Danny finds it endearing and now loves BradPeter even more. Why can’t you just love ME, Danny? Why?

Next, Damon is in some random closet in some random hallway, pulling out junk. He tugs on a frosted glass thing. “Is this a trash can or a light fixture?” Heehee.

Danny then gets into his Barbara Walters mode and digs into Kristen’s past. His mission is obviously to make her cry. She reveals that her mom died the night before her high school graduation. Her mom was a strong woman, and that’s why Kristen is so strong and set in her ways.

They all gather round near the front door. Danny wants to make out with BradPeter. He hugs him and then falls to the floor. The GP say they need to get going with Kristen but Danny still wants to stay behind with the straight guy instead. Kristen suggests that maybe Danny knows a kissing technique she’s not aware of and that he can teach it to BradPeter. Danny and Damon jump on this slight opportunity and make a BradPeter sandwich, kissing his cheeks at once. BradPeter takes it all in stride. Finally, they release their lips and go off with the straight girl.

Kristen’s sister isn’t sure if Kristen will let go enough to enjoy the wedding.

Peter says that Kristen doesn’t do well with the unexpected.

In the SUV, Kristen explains that the most romantic she gets with her fiancée is cooking for him and bringing him a beer. Danny’s like, “He thinks that’s romance?” She nods. He says that she’s lucky he thinks so.

Hunky Helpers? Either they weren’t in this episode or I blinked and missed them. Sigh. They would have redeemed this episode.

They get out at Bed, Bath, and Beyond to put stuff on Kristen’s bridal registry. I love love love that store! Danny grabs a hand-scanner and scans a crap-load of home items into her registry. They find square plates and Kristen loves them. “We love anything square!” So Danny zaps the SKU about twenty times. Then they come across candles and Kristen goes a little nuts over them. “Do they have them in chocolate brown?!” Chocolate brown is her favorite color.

Damon then picks out sheets for a more romantic bedroom. He tells Kristen to buy anything over a 450 thread count. He begins to launch into the History of Thread counts, but Danny distracts Kristen by yelling, “I found your wedding dress.” He’s holding up some hideous curtains in front of him. Heehee. He says, “They’re a bit la cage…” Damon, not skipping a beat, launches back into Egyptian sheets and cotton mesh and everything you need to know about European fabric. Ah, Tuscany. They have sheets there, too.

Kristen then heads over to St. Poochie for couture wedding wear. Kristen likes the champagne-gold tinted dresses. They are really pretty. She wants a sexy dress. Robbie suggests, “More sophisticated, less whore.” Heehee. While Kristen goes into the dressing room, Robbie finds a tiara. Honey says that he’s found an accessory to go with his nickname and then she calls him Princess.

Kristen comes out of the dressing room wearing a ruby red dress. Um, didn’t she just say she liked the gold tinted dresses? Why does she have on Little Red Riding Hood’s ball gown? They like the strapless but she says the red is too much. Ya think?

Next is a strapless dress with lots of beading. She doesn’t like the beading.

Third is a strapless fitted dress that’s straight down and made for really skinny people. She wants to wear it home. So that’s the dress, right?

Wrong. Forth dress is a strapless dress fitted on top with a fuller skirt. Robbie? He’s wearing a dress too! They both want to wear their dresses home! Kristen can’t decide between the two. Robbie says not to decide there. Honey will take both dresses back and Kristen can decide later.

Robbie and Kristen leave to find Danny and BradPeter in a dance studio. Danny’s wearing a black sleeveless shirt with the Union Jack across the chest. And he’s going to dance. Sigh. He’s going to teach them salsa-hip-turn-and-dip. Sounds like it would be yummy with some nachos. Danny warns Kristen, “you need to let him lead!” Because she’s a control freak and probably can’t. Kristen starts to freak. Robbie yells, “It’s just dance!” I wish I could yell that in all pressure situations and then everything would be okay.

Danny instructs: “Forward and back and forward and back.” And his hips swivel just so. Then he grabs Robbie as his dancing partner and I swear he cops a feel of Robbie’s ass. Turns. Hips. Right. Left. Then turn her out! Just like the song…turn this mother out…or not. Kristen and BradPeter dance just fine.

Danny wants BradPeter to grope Kristen during the dip. So they dip and molest each other. Robbie yells, “This isn’t a brothel!” Um, weren’t they just told to do that?

Kristen meets up with Honey and the Loreal Make-Up Man to talk about make-up. She doesn’t wear a lot and wants a natural look. Honey and TLMUM tell her she needs foundation, and he can make the perfect match for her. Then he plucks her eyebrows.

By the way, I’m deciding to protest the obviously edited-in voice overs, found throughout this episode. So if there are big gaps in sequence, that’s why. Such as right here.

They head on over to the Loreal True Life Pod!! This is really cool. It’s a pod that allows you to see yourself in all different types of light. They start with daylight and move through until evening. Kristen likes the evening best. Don’t we all!

BradPeter says he met Kristen in 1999 in a Hollywood bar. How special.

A friend says that they’re really sweet together.

In the SUV, the GP and Kristen are curious about what color her bedroom will be. Pink or brown? Chocolate brown? Her favorite color? Could it be?

She arrives home and says “Omigod” a hundred times. The walls are mauve and the bedding is a buttery-yellow. There’s a shelving unit over the bed; alas, no cushioned headboard. Sorry, BradPeter. The furniture is darker wood, a nice contrast to the walls.

Honey gives Kristen a book of vows and toasts. She suggests Kristen write a toast for her friends. Then Honey talks about her mom and makes Kristen cry again.

They hop back into the SUV to see where the wedding will be held. They have her close her eyes and they say something about going through gates. Kristen’s like, “Gates?” And Damon says, “Yes, it’s a prison!” Ha. Actually, it’s The Paramour, and Kristen is overwhelmed. Damon says that the Paramour has a Tuscan feel about it. Then he says Tuscan a few more times.

Danny, Damon, and Robbie go for a skip around the pool. Then they come back and Damon plans where the couple will stand for the ceremony. The Paramour lady says that the couple can face the guests if they like. Danny says that at one angle, they can see the Hollywood sign. Is he kidding? As if that’s important?

Inside, the room has vaulted ceilings, shiny hardwood floors, and a distressed fireplace. Mood lighting too.

Danny introduces Kristen to the owner of Catering by Field. BradPeter’s there too. And let the eating begin. They first try a Romaine and mango salad versus a pear salad. The mango wins. The entrees are beef tenderloin, chicken piccata, and a vegetarian choice, which doesn’t have an official name because it’s just some vegetables on a plate. Danny calls it all “stunning.” I didn’t know food could be stunning, but so be it. They decide that the dinner will be the beef with the vegetarian option. Down with chicken.

Moving onto Paul of Breadbasket to choose a cake. They taste chocolate, white sponge, and lemon. Lemon falls by the wayside as BradPeter likes the chocolate and Kristen likes the white sponge. Danny says they’ll have a layer each. Next they need to decide the shape. Square, of course! They love anything square. Kristen also wants a monogrammed cake. Danny says it’s completely doable. Enter Robbie, nibbling on the model cakes. Then he grabs Kristen. It’s time for hair.

They meet up with a woman named Ixy. At least that’s what it sounds like and I don’t want to spell it Icksy because that’s too close to Icky and that’s kind of insulting. They’re at the Kenneth George Salon to learn styling techniques. Kristen wants her hair down because she feels more comfortable that way. Ixy gives her waves with a curling iron and then separates the curls to make it fuller.

Then she teases the crap out of the top. Because it’s 1983. Then the graphic pop-up says not to fear teasing because it gives you a fuller look when you have thin hair. And because it’s 1983.

Honey comes in and likes the romantic soft hairdo. Ixy and Robbie leave and Honey gives Kristen a Kate Spade bag full of make-up, which is now the gift Honey gives everyone. Then Honey goes into giving Kristen something old, new, borrowed, and blue. She hands her a box and says, “Here’s your something old.” Kristen opens it to reveal a charm necklace that belonged to her mom. Honey explains, “Your dad sent it.” It’s engraved with her parents’ wedding day. Kristen is really touched and happy about it.

The Gal Pals come in with champagne. Kristen is surprised and feels blessed about the day. Damon says he has faith in the night. Danny says, “enjoy and don’t control.” Honey says to focus on the beginning of her new life with BradPeter. Kristen toasts to the GP, especially to Honey for making her cry. She’s just joking. Cheers. The GP leave but Danny lingers with a hug. He calls out, “I want to see Fred and Ginger on the dance floor tonight!”

Hip Tip: You can tell if white wine goes bad if it turns yellow. Take it right back to the store if it looks like pee! You tell em, Danny.

Kristen’s friend feels love in the air and says the couple was meant to be.

The Gal Pals are all decked out in shiny suits; Honey is wearing a shiny purple dress. They watch the wedding workers and caterers set up. Kristen shows her sister the locket and the sister is touched as well. Then she shows her sister both dresses and her sister loves them both, too.

Honey loves Damon’s chocolate brown Tuscan motif for the wedding. The napkins and things are chocolate brown and off-white. On top of the napkins are gold boxes with chocolate inside.

Kristen goes to put on make-up and her sister is impressed. She can’t get over the fact that Kristen is doing her own hair. Kristen says, “I need a drink.” Heehee. Because, as we’ve learned from previous episodes, alcohol cures everything.

Kristen makes a “severe part” and then teases away. Robbie shouts, “It’s so cute!” And so is he. Her hair is gorgeous.

Danny notes that the guests are coming “in droves.” They’re all decked out in shiny, pretty suits and dresses, too. The GP approve. Danny calls them a “classy group.”

Meanwhile, BradPeter gets dressed all by his lonesome. He begins to tie his white bow tie. All alone. Damon says in a Barry White voice, “Oh, Peter!” He’s in love.

Kristen and her sister toast to the perfect L. A. wedding. Cheers.

Kristen chooses the fitted wedding dress. Her hair is all flowy and curly. She’s seriously glowing. So pretty.

Kristen’s dad arrives and gives her a peach and white flower bouquet that Damon had prepared. Dad is in awe of his daughter. “You look like a bride,” he tells her. It’s slightly in disbelief and slightly in awe. So sweet.

Then he tells her he has something to give her that her mom gave him on their wedding day, and he’s carried it with him in his wallet ever since. He hands her a shilling for good luck, which is an Irish tradition. Aw, now I’m on the verge of tears.

Danny exclaims, “Everything is in its place and it’s all gorgeous! Perfect!”

Dad walks Kristen down the aisle. She’s luminous. Radiant. So pretty. When she reaches BradPeter, Danny calls them the “picture postcard couple.” They are!

A Justice of the Peace talks about life and love and light and wife and husband. They exchange rings. She’s very jolly and conducts the ceremony as if she’s trying to hold in a belly laugh. Vows. They’re married. They kiss very sweetly. Then Kristen bounces up and down all excited.

The hardest part is still to come according to the GP. They still have to dance and there’s that toast Kristen has to give. And all that is much harder than committing yourself to someone for the rest of your life. Kristen walks in and bounces some more because she’s seeing the room decorated for the first time and it’s all chocolate brown and Tuscan! They sit down and Kristen exclaims, “Damon is amazing!”

People eat. Chew. Eat. Robbie notes that no one is talking so the food must be good. Well, remember, Danny said it was stunning.

Dad announces that there’s a tradition that when the bride leaves the room, all the ladies kiss the groom. “But watch how you kiss because I’m watching you!” It’s a Danish custom. So the women line up and kiss kiss kiss. One of them says, “Nice to meet you,” after the smooch. Ha. At the end of the procession, Damon yells, “Me!” because he wants a kiss. No dice.

Then comes the first dance. First Kristen and BradPeter shimmy towards each other. Danny says, “I don’t remember that!” Then they do some side stepping. Danny is exasperated: “They’re just making this up as they go along!” Finally they start turning and hipping. Then comes the dip. And the big grope. And a kiss. And BradPeter so grabs Kristen’s boob. Aww, I love a pornographic first dance.

The cake cutting is next. First BradPeter feeds Kristen. Next, she tells him to shut his eyes. Damon and Robbie yell, “Be nice to him!” Instead of smashing cake in his face, she gives him a quick kiss and then feeds him the cake. If I ever get married, I’m so doing that because it was just too damn sweet and I can’t believe they’re getting me to be so sentimental.

Kristen then toasts her guests. She thanks them because without them, the day would be nothing. Then she thanks the Gal Pals for teaching her to let go. Cheers! Skol! (That’s Danish).

Danny says that they had a fairy tale wedding that is a springboard into a happy marriage.

They cheers to Kristen and BradPeter.

Robbie says to buy a wedding dress that can convert to evening wear so you can wear it over and over and over.

Damon says that candles make romance.

Honey says that a bride still needs to eat on her wedding day.

Danny says that white wine turns yellow if it’s old. As he said thirty minutes ago, so what was the point of the Hip Tip if he was just going to repeat it?

A non-make-over but a happy wedding day for a chocolate brown kind of gal.

–Did Kristen really need a make-over? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com

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