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Omigod! It's Charles Manson! Or Is It Brud?: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Episode 3.5

Yet another round of make-over madness as the Fab Five…wait a minute…Okay, no recap of the tease tonight because my cable box has decided to not change channels at 10 PM and I tried to manually change it from Dr. Phil’s Romance Rescue on Channel 2 to Bravo on 44 but somehow the box got stuck on Channel 4 and I couldn’t switch it. Meanwhile, my friend who had watched Dr. Phil with me was cackling on the couch because she loves to see me freak under pressure. True story. No tease. So the following information is from Bravotv.com.

Brud L. is in his forties and has a huge beard and lots and lots of hair. Kyan’s going to have a field day. He’s divorced but has remained with his ex-wife, Susan, anyway, and now they’re having a recommitment ceremony. They have four kids who love them and they’re one big happy family except that they’re not married. His kids have never seen his face because of all that hair.

Credits. I finally got to Channel 44 and it’s all smooth sailing from here.

They pull up to Brud’s house and pound on his door. And here’s Brud! A mountain-man of a hippie. Long, long salt-and-pepper hair in a pontytail with a bushy salt-and-pepper beard and bushy salt-and-pepper eyebrows. And oh the tie dye! He’s got on a purple shirt with a tie dye flower burst on the front of it. However, Thom is standing in front of him wearing a purple paisley button-down that isn’t a far cry from Brud’s attire.

Carson finds out that Brud is sporting “Thirty years of hair.” That’s how long it’s been growing. They meet son Joshua and wife-ex-wife Susan. The house is pretty clean and basic. Blue walls, white walls. More hugs and introductions. They take Brud’s hair down and pull at his eyebrows. Kyan tells him, “You have very beautiful eyes. You’re hiding behind all that hair.” Uh-oh. Sounds like Kyan is on his Haircut Diatribe again.

Thom follows Joshua upstairs and finds a second apartment space. They meet Lenny there. Another son.

In the kitchen, Ted asks Brud if he ever wants to get the kids out of the house. Brud laughs and says, “Yeah. Yeah.” He’s very Jersey.

Carson finds a pet lizard. Thankfully, it’s in its tank.

Kyan finds a large bottle of Heineken outside in the shrubbery. I’m thinking it’s what kids these days refer to as a “forty” but I can’t be too sure. Kyan asks Brud if it’s for when things “get really bad.” However, I think it could be an attempt at decoration.

Carson has released the lizard! Literally. He pulled the pet out of the tank only to skeeve at it and make someone else hold it.

Thom surveys the living room and says it’s pretty cute. Wood furniture. A purple wall. A green wall. It’s all very Queer Eye Décor already. Susan explains that they painted some walls for when Lenny had to make a movie. Thom calls it, “Kinda fun.” Wow, usually he’s so harsh.

Brud says he used to go to the basement to be alone.

Cut to Thom in the basement meeting yet another son, Andy. Apparently, the kids now own the basement, too.

Up in the living room, Carson exclaims, “Look! Our people have been here,” as he removes a decorative jar from the shelf. The jar is labeled Fairy Dust. He sprinkles some around and then some on Brud.

Kyan asks Susan if she remembers her husband’s face. She says it was thin with beautiful eyes. Just as Kyan thinks it still is. Susan, by the way, is wearing a nice red shirt and some gold jewelry and she matches Brud, you know what I mean? They just seem to go together.

Ted and Carson wade through a bunch of movie props. Carson finds daggers and other weaponry. Ted shrieks, “He IS a crazed serial killer!” as he holds up a bloody, armless rubber torso.

Carson leans against the fireplace mantel and candidly asks Brud, “Don’t you scare small children?” Brud, without a beat, says, “Yeah.” Ha! Parents, too.

Ted is fighting with Carson over the torso. Jai is shocked by the gross prop and yells, “I’m telling mom!” Heehee.

The whole family, three sons and a daughter, gather on the couch and chairs in the living room. The FF says that the family is good looking. Carson refers to them as “handsome and Charles Manson.” Susan really gets a kick out of that one. They talk about how no one really knows what Brud looks like because he has all that hair. Well, isn’t that what he looks like then? They should be saying that no one knows what he looks like clean-shaven. Otherwise, he would be invisible, which would make this an entirely different show.

Joshua wants them to remove all his facial hair. Kyan exclaims, “You’re the voice of reason in this house!” Kyan is so easy to please. All the kids want all the hair gone.

Carson asks who’s in charge of the big event at night. They say Alyssa is. Then the kids get kicked out of the house for a while. Carson wants to give them quarters for video games. Heehee.

Ted pulls Brud down to the garden. Brud is growing peppers and things. Edible flowers. Ted is in shock at the edible daisies. Brud makes him taste them.

Susan tells Kyan they got divorced even though they didn’t really want it. But they were going in separate ways and didn’t want to hate each other. She says divorce wasn’t fun but they couldn’t physically leave each other. And it worked.

Meanwhile, Carson is in the living room gathering dynamite and a crystal ball.

Back in the garden, Kyan and Brud talk about renewing the vows. Brud says that Susan is his best friend. They drifted apart and they came back together.

The FF send Susan off. Carson promises that Brud will look like “Barbara Mandrell” by the time she returns. Heehee. Kyan tells Brud, “Your wife is lovely.” Brud says, “Thank you.” Aww.

Ted tells Brud that he sees him as an artistic person. Oh, that could lead to danger and another one of Ted’s Kitchen Obstacle Courses.

Carson finds a painting in a closet of a fairy. He calls it the Kitty Litter Fairy because it happens to be hanging over a box of kitty litter. And the cat’s been there. Ew.

Thom is in the back yard. He wants to make a cool event and hide the pool.

Back inside, Carson and Ted have locked themselves in the closet. Ted says, “There’s a musty smell in here.” Carson answers, “I think it’s cat urine.” Ted responds, “Oh, is that all?” Ew.

Thom loves the flora in the backyard. Ted flips a wine bottle in the kitchen.

Carson goes through Brud’s wardrobe while Brud stands by wearing a green floofy thing on his head and a red boa around his neck. Carson holds up a white shirt with a mandarin color and tells Brud, “You put the man in mandarin.” Brud chuckles. How can he not chuckle? He’s wearing feathers. Carson likes the shirt collar. He has a Fashion Vision—linen, comfortable, relaxed clothes.

Thom is sporting a dynamite belt in the kitchen. Dynamite here is not an adjective. It’s a belt made of dynamite. Ted suggests he not wear the belt.

Cut to the pool and Carson yelling, “Let’s go swimming!” He jumps in shirtless with denim cutoffs and saves the rubber torso. Shirtless Brud is right behind him. They play “Marco Torso.” Then decide to go shopping instead. Good idea.

Susan says Brud is hairy and mountain man looking.

Daughter says that Brud’s clothes are older than she is.

In the SUV, Brud says he came up with his own look. Carson wants to change just the “axe murderer part.” Carson and Thom start listing all the different events Brud’s hair has seen.

Back at the house, Ted cleans the kitchen.

Thom asks Brud if he’s ready for the wedding. Then corrects himself and says recommitment. Then Carson calls it the “reaffirmation of commitment to each other—that sounds so gay!” Heehee.

Thom and Brud stop off at Smith and Hawkins, a gardener’s paradise. Joshua shows up to help pick out a trellis for the ceremony. It’s wrought iron and square. Obligatory sitting. Only this time it’s on lounge chairs. Teak wood—Thom suggests they don’t seal it and let it turn gray and it will look pretty at their house. I like the sealed look. Then they move on to wicker which usually isn’t good for outside, but what the heck. Thom gives a wicker lesson.

Brud heads over to DKNY with Carson, who asks Brud if he likes his blowout. Heehee. Andy shows up. He calls Brud “the dude.” Like in “The Big Lebowski?” Carson picks out soft colors and fabrics. Andy likes them. Carson says, “Andy knows fashion!” Brud tries on a jacket. Some shirts. He gets changed in the middle of the store for no reason other than that Carson tells him to. In a white suit and blue shirt, Brud says he looks like, “Charles Manson with a suit on.” By the way, Brud does NOT look like Charles Manson and I don’t know why everyone keeps saying that he does. Sure, the hair is similar, but No No No. It’s NEVER OKAY TO COMPARE YOURSELF TO A DERANGED MURDERER/CULT LEADER. I know, I know, Manson never actually killed anyone but he put out the orders, dammit.

Next, Brud tries on white linen and a brown button down. Carson shows Brud how to tie the drawstring. He then gives him some sunglasses. Brud says they’re crushing his eyelashes. Carson calls him the Unabomber. Again, NOT OKAY.

Carson and Andy go work on Susan, who has miraculously appeared. Brud leaves to find Ted. Ted says that Brud has a great eye. Artistically speaking. They meet Sylvia, the woman with the largest eyeglasses ever. Seriously, she’s wearing two magnifying glasses taped together. Lenny’s there! They’re all going to make cakes. Sylvia says all ingredients are special and they make sugar flowers to decorate a cake. Sylvia instructs, “Roll it around. Cut it four times. Then press and pull and press and pull.” A little flower is born! Brud’s doesn’t go so well because the sugary substance starts to melt in his hands. At least he’s trying.

Then they decorate the cake! Sylvia pipes an edge. Brud pipes the rest. She says, “Hey! You’re good!” He is, actually. Next, she does some green leaves that kinda look like big green boogers hanging off the side of the cake. However, there aren’t any flowers on it yet, so hopefully it will eventually look better. Brud tries. Worse boogers.

Sylvia and the boys down a bottle of champagne and Brud leaves.

Jai meets Brud at Doyle and Doyle to shop for jewelry for Susan. And she’s there. She jokes to Brud, “You look so different!” because he hasn’t had his haircut yet. Ha! The jeweler says to buy antique jewelry that speaks to you. As Susan tries on the rings, we see her hand and wrist tattoos. Cool. She’s never owned diamonds. Brud loves a ring that has a silver braid. Jai says that it can represent his hair so he’ll always have it with him. I’m sure that’s why he chose it, Jai.

And now it’s Kyan’s time to shine. It’s his big moment. It’s the orgasmic time when Brud gets a hair cut! Brud dons a white robe and Kyan hugs the stylist. Then he hugs Brud because Brud looks nervous. They decide to shave first to find a jaw line and then shape his hair around that.

Electric clippers. Kyan is in awe of his face and his teeth. Brud can’t speak. Next, some woman plucks his brows and Kyan asks Brud what his vows will be. Love love love. Brud sits up and can’t believe what he sees. No one can. He’s taken at least ten years off of himself. He has eyes! He has lips! He looks fabulous in phase one.

Onto phase two—the cutting of the hair. The stylist lops off the ponytail and then Kyan makes Brud hold it. Kyan then wears the ponytail and pretends to be Susan so Brud can practice talking to her. Kyan says he looks like a movie star. Brud says that he doesn’t not like it but it will take some getting used to. His hair is short with a little longer top-front. No color. Good. Color would be too much.

They walk outside. Kyan says to Jai, “Dude, you’re not going to believe it.” Jai falls back against the SUV. “Omigod!” He hugs Brud. “Omigod! You look a million years younger!” That’s real nice, Jai. He’s not a dinosaur!

One of the sons says that all their friends love to hang out at their house.

Another son says that when pops wants to be alone, he goes into the garden to escape all the friends.

Jai is still in shock driving home. Brud predicts screaming and crying. Brud doesn’t remember their first ceremony.

At the house, Ted and Thom are amazed at the transformation. Thom says, “It feels like I’m meeting you for the first time.” Brud is still in shock. Thom wants to rename him.

Thom has put up new wallpaper and has reupholstered the furniture. All the stuff is the same but the wallpaper pulls it all together instead of having all different colored walls.

In the backyard, Thom has created a bamboo fountain. He says, “I know, it’s a little gay…” Ted jumps in, “A LITTLE gay?” Thom insists it’s perfect for the ceremony. He’s also set up a sweetwater bungalow for Brud and Susan to enjoy year-round. Teak chairs and a picnic table complete the look.

In the kitchen, Ted helps Brud bake a cake and he’ll leave the decorating for Brud for later. They’re not making a three tier cake but a smaller cake. Ted asks how many people are coming. Brud says about thirty. Ted asks if they’re big drinkers. Brud says, “Oh, yeah!” Gotta love the Jersey when it comes out. Ted then has Brud beat the mixture as Ted takes a load off. “This is fun!” Ted says. Heehee.

Ted folds eggs and almonds and stuff. Brud says, “You’re doing a great job!” Ha.

Brud meets Jai outside. Jai says that the garden is amazing. He gives Brud an i-Pod for no other reason other than Jai has become the Electronics Fairy. He then instructs Brud to write his vows and then tells him basically what to write. Overstepping your boundary! Then he tells Brud to delegate all the different tasks, especially who is responsible for the ring. Brud says, “Thanks, man!”

Carson goes through a bunch of outfits for Brud to choose from. Khaki-colored suit and white button down. They love it. White mandarin color shirt, white pants, and sandals that form to the foot. They love it. A cool jacket. The boys love the ink. Brud calls it addicting. Carson has him try on a linen tie dye with white pants. Brud can’t believe how he looks.

Kyan warns Brud that his skin will be sensitive for a while so he shows him how to make a mask with yogurt, peaches, carrots, and cucumbers. Brud chops everything up perfectly. Then he blends it all. Kyan says carrots are calming and cucumbers are cooling. Good to know. Brud tells Kyan that a cucumber is twenty degrees below air temperature. Kyan says, “Yes, I did know that. That’s why it’s cooling.” Wow. That could be the most boringly scientific conversation on a make-over show. Luckily, it was between Catty Kyan and Brud, who I have come to love. Plus, Brud said it half-jokingly, as if to show that he already knows that cucumbers are cooling, so there.

Carson and Ted lick Kyan’s face after he has put the mask on. Jai is standing there with an “ew” look on his face. Kyan goes to rinse his face with regular water because saliva doesn’t really cut it.

They all sit in the living room. The FF say that “Brud is now the Stud.” Thom says that the kids cannot claim the backyard. It’s Brud’s. Brud thanks them. They leave Brud with Thom yelling, “Take care of the big gay fountain!” Then we hear Ted chuckle, “Big gay fountain,” under his breath. Heehee.

Hip Tip: If you like a five o’clock shadow, shave from the jaw line down. Damn, Kyan looks good scruffy.

Casting Call: Queer Eye is looking for fathers and sons to be made over together. Ah, two generations of mismatching mayhem to make-over magnificence. Wow, that poetry class is paying off.

The children say that they’re happy their parents stuck together.

One of the sons says that it’s the best time for his parents.

The Fab Five gather round the Critic Couch highly excited. Carson and Jai come in as a couple walking down the aisle. Ted serves champagne.

Enter the Grateful Dead soundtrack. Nice! This is really great music for Brud. The Dead sing “I will get by” as Brud first decorates the cake. Jai mentions that it shouldn’t go too badly because Brud used to be a chef. At first, they’re all impressed by his technique. He spreads all this icing over a slab of cake. Carson “loves a creamy filling.” But then the creamy filling starts to cream overboard and oozes out all over the place. The guys are no longer impressed.

And it’s raining outside! Excellent. Brud says, “Oh man!”

Brud has added the second layer and smoothed the rest of the icing over it without excess oozing. The guys are impressed. Then he starts in with the green piping. The guys are, yet again, no longer impressed. Instead of making leaves, he’s making zigzag lines around the side of the cake and. Ted says that it looks “kinda terrible.” Yes it does. The icing itself looks like toothpaste but that’s apparently beside the point.

And now Dr. Ted schools us on the art of superstition and reproduction. If it rains on your wedding day, supposedly you get pregnant. Who knew?

Brud finished the icing. Voila, they’ve got dessert. Thom exclaims, “That’s the scariest cake I’ve seen in my life.” Heehee.

Brud then writes down his vows in a journal as Jai had told him to do. Jai has gotten quite bossy with this vow business over the past few episodes. Maybe that’s because there’s been a vow and writing theme. The FF try to make out what Brud is writing but the camera angle is weird so they really can’t see all of it. Thom thinks there’s a line that says, “I like you in the dark.” Ha! Brud ends the vows with “I love you.”

Cut to a shirtless Brud entering the kitchen. I am so against shirtless men in the kitchen. At least when they’re cooking for others. But thankfully, he’s not cooking. He’s blending a mask for his skin. Kyan is impressed. Carson is instead focused on Brud’s large tattoos on his arm. Carson says that the “skin art” is “kinda hot.”

After the mask, Brud moseys on over to the closet to choose an outfit. He picks out black linen drawstring pants and a tie dye coral linen shirt with a white jacket. The tie dye shirt sounds horrid but looks nice. It’s a far cry from the homemade cotton tie dye of his hippie days, which ended just hours ago.

While Brud is in the kitchen again, the kids come home. Alyssa is first in a black dress with a flower in her hair. “Omigod!” She smiles. She covers her mouth. She covers her eyes and uncovers them. “Omigod!” She’s in awe. The brothers follow, all wearing white button down tuxedo shirts and black pants. “Omigod!” They smile. They cover their mouths. They slap their foreheads in disbelief. “Omigod!” They keep saying it over and over again. They laugh in disbelief. “Omigod!” This is the most shock I’ve ever seen. It’s well deserved too because they’re actually seeing their dad for the first time. They had never seen his face. That’s gotta be weird. They all hug. Brud says that he had fun all day but that they’re behind schedule.

Brud then takes off the sunglasses he had on to complete the look, and starts to delegate. But before he can get out the directions, they break into another chorus of “omigod!” and “that’s so intense!” because now they see his eyes and not his bushy eyebrows. The kids pitch in around the kitchen and the house. They move the dining table towards the wall and Thom flips out. “Why are they moving the furniture?!” Um, Thom, it’s raining. They’re gonna be inside and they need the space. Take a pill.

The boys remain in the kitchen as Alyssa takes her dad aside to plan the ceremony. Because she’s master of the ceremony. Cool. Brud tells her about his vows. She “omigods” some more and continues to laugh. When they’re done, Brud makes his way back to the kitchen to yell at the kids and tell them how they’re doing everything wrong. But he’s obviously yelling out of nervous energy and they don’t seem to pay any attention to him anyway. His pits are sweating. Alyssa says, “Mom’s gonna have a heart attack.” Brud agrees.

And here comes Mom! Thankfully, she doesn’t have a heart attack. She walks in and her first reaction to the house is, you guessed it, “Omigod!” Then she sees her family standing in the kitchen. They’re lined up as if they’re a cheerleading squad. She notices a strange man standing in the middle of her children. “That’s Bruddy? Is that your father? Bruddy, that’s you?” One of the sons says, “Take off your sunglasses,” which is really funny to say because he’s saying it because he wants his mom to see his dad’s new look completely, but it seems like he’s saying it to prove his dad’s identity.

Mamma Susan hugs Pappa Bruddy and they can’t get over each other. Susan is decked out in a white shawl and pearls. They love each other! He’s great! She’s pretty! She wants to have sex with him! Right then and there! The kids didn’t need to hear that. She cries. The FF give a simultaneous “Awww!”

They all head out to the backyard. Kyan tells Thom that he did a great job with the pool, which is now camouflaged. Carson says that the couple is falling in love all over again. The guests arrive and the FF can’t help but make fun of the wardrobe. After all, they are on the critic couch.

When all the guests are in the house, the kids reveal Susan and Brud. Kyan describes the scene best when he says that they’re all “gasping, crying, hooting, and hollering.” Lots more “omigods!” Brud’s future daughter-in-law hits on him jokingly.

Alyssa starts the ceremony by saying they’re all there because of love. She’s nervous. She starts bawling.

Brud says his vows that include stuff about rain and sunshine and rainbows. Seriously. But it’s sweet. The family and friends yell “keep on truckin” which is a necessary toast at every wedding. Brud gives Susan that spectacular ring, and she’s completely taken aback by it. Ted notes, “even the bikers are tearing up.” They are! It’s all so sweet.

Then a son rings a cow bell and it’s time to eat. Kyan says, “Somehow in this environment, even the cake is okay.” Still scary, but now okay. He then notes the “ink” in some woman’s “cleavage.” Everyone eats. They’re all happy. Everyone loves each other.

The Fab Five think they’ve done an amazing job once again. They toast to Susan and Brud, mazel tov and cheers! Jai says Susan gets to sleep with a whole new man. They toast to family and a house of love.

Kyan says to clear your skin with hydrocortisone and other things I can’t spell on the first try.

Thom say to use small centerpieces because big isn’t always better and that joke isn’t funny the second time round.

Carson says to use a dryer sheet to clean your shoes and to tuck them in at night.

Jai repeats his tip: don’t use nicknames on work email.

Ted repeats his tip: use beer to cook things.

What a long strange trip it’s been for Brud and Susan and the Queer Eye gang.

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

Is it ever okay to kinda look like Manson?
Email me: christina@realityshack.com

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