“Clean Cucumbers and Dirty Innuendo Drown in Body Wash” – The Apprentice 3, Episode 4
By: Cori Linder
Something doesn’t smell right in this week’s episode—but it’s not the soap.
When the Magna team (minus Danny) returns to the suite, Michael is greeted with cold stares and the verbal spanking by Bren. “I agree,” admits Michael. “And, I apologize if I’ve offended anybody.” Michael then explains that “everybody needs a dose of medicine” and that a “good steamrolling gets you in check.” It’s apparent now that Michael has finally figured out the strategy of this show: The less you’re liked by your team members, the less time you’ll ultimately be spending with them.
The candidates will meet with Donny Deutsch to help Dove launch its new product, Dove Cool Moisture body wash (get your free sample at http://www.dove.com/apprentice/default.asp). They need to approach the task as filmmakers and make a 30-second “extravaganza” movie. They must go out-of-the-box (the key word here is “out”) and create something that blows Donny away. Donny will then recommend who did the better job.
Assigning project managers:
MAGNA – Without advertising experience, Erin is ready to be a project manager. This is when Bren, a Republican district attorney with a spotted bow-tie, offers his idea: a female chef teaches a young male protégé how to “wash his cucumber,” entices him with her fresh scent, and then becomes horrified when the man walks out with the male waiter. The group members are shocked that such a “soft-porn” idea could come from such a man; even George is affected. His normally stern expression momentarily gives way (don’t blink or you’ll miss it) to a stupefied jaw drop. Michael doesn’t think that the homosexual spin will delight Donny or Dove. Did nobody give thought to the use of the cucumber?
NET WORTH – Kristen things she’s the perfect project manager for this task; after all, her boyfriend is a director. Of course, this makes perfect sense. I wonder if spouses of medical doctors tell patients the same thing. John (looking more and more like the actor Vince Vaughn) pitches the idea of sweaty models running in a marathon and suddenly needing to rinse off with the soap. People are laughing, but what’s the joke?
The Magna team splits up to work on props and casting. They are running late while their hired actors/models are waiting. One particularly annoying model/actress complains the whole time. Is she not aware that hundreds of producers and casting agents are watching her diva attitude on the show? Bren grovels and appeases her, sheepishly citing that 9 years of marriage have made him specialize in dealing with a pissed-off woman. Hopefully, his wife didn’t watch this episode.
On the Net Worth team, Kristen excuses John and Craig to go work on music. “In life, I do everything myself,” she smugly says to the camera. “Because I know that when I do everything myself I do things better.” Don’t fret, Kristen, you’ll get to do something by yourself later in the show—only, I don’t think you’ll enjoy it. John worries that the commercial won’t incorporate the joke successfully.
As John is busy producing the music for the commercial, his joke idea is being demolished in the studio. You know there’s a problem when the male model is scrubbing BODY wash on his FACE, and Kristen is laughing hysterically. A sense of humor doesn’t seem to be her strongpoint. Audrey and Angie are upset and think the entire idea is unfunny and unoriginal.
Both teams continue to film their commercials. Magna “lovingly” washes the cucumber, laughing at themselves. Net Worth, on the other hand, reviews the final commercial and suspects that the comedy has somehow left it.
Dressed in matching uniforms, each group presents their commercial to Donny Deutsch and his team. Donny chastises the Magna team on their “goofy” uniforms. The commercial with the cucumber and sexual innuendo is just bad, bad, bad. The annoying model/actress definitely didn’t redeem herself in her acting. The Net Worth team doesn’t fair much better.
Donny is disappointed in both teams and says that he has nothing. Well, Donny, you have an entire 1-hour episode on national TV that advertises the soap…does that make you feel better? He tells Mr. Trump that Magna chose the wrong audience and didn’t understand the product. Net Worth made the mistake of having the actor rub the body wash on his face. “You both suck!” Donny tells them.
No exemption, no reward, admonishes Mr. Trump. Both teams have to face the boardroom.
In the boardroom…
Mr. Trump says he’s angry at both of them. Erin defends herself nicely, claiming that despite the bad commercial, her team stuck together. He tells them that they must have been crazy to think that the stupid cucumber commercial would not have offended anyone. Kristen, however, blames the models for her mishaps, and then later on Audrey for being a “loose cannon.”
Mr. Trump tells Kristen that she was a bad leader and couldn’t hold the team together. Despite her pleading, he tells her she is fired. Apparently, he couldn’t stand the stench of her soap commercial.
Until next time…
Quotes of the week:
“It was like the dad in me just kind of awoke and it was like, you know what, somebody has been bad and I’ve got to discipline him.” – Bren (When Michael returns from the boardroom)
“Let’s put it this way. I’m on this team no matter what. If I have a few sick members and they’re not listening to my ideas, let’s make this vegetable porno the best vegetable porno you can possibly make—with a gay twist.” – Michael
“If I get a cold, somebody is going to be in trouble…I’ve been here for an hour and 47 minutes with no supervision.” – A very annoyed model/actress waiting for the Magna team to arrive
“Erin obviously doesn’t know how to deal with a pissed-off woman. Nine years of marriage, that’s my specialty.” – Bren
“I want to see something outside the box…this is right in the middle of the box…this IS the box!” – Angie (commenting on the Net Worth commercial)