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Recapping the Romance: Queer Eye for the (Romantic) Straight Guy Episode 3.4 and a Half

And now for another fun-filled episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Or is it Queer Eye for the British Guy? Or for the American Guy Living in London? No, we’re back in the United States. It’s Queer Eye for the ROMANTIC Guy. Not only that, but it’s The Best Of Queer Eye For The Romantic Guy. So it’s not a new episode; it’s a highlights episode. Can you tell that I’m annoyed about how much the title of this show has changed this season? In case you haven’t caught on, I’m annoyed!

Basically, this is a clip show so get ready for quick tid-bits about romance. Here, you’ll learn what you should and should not do. And you’ll get to reminisce about your favorite straight guy make-overs. I’m assuming the FF are jet lagged from London, and, therefore, I won’t keep complaining about how this show is simply fluff and filler. Off we go!

So Kyan introduces himself in a voice over and says that he’ll be our guide for looking back at the most romantic moments of seasons past so we can all rejoice in the goodness and love that is Valentine’s Day. Also known as the day I try desperately to stay away from the disposable razor aisle at the local CVS. Lots of quick shots of made-over guys kissing and hugging their loved ones. Kyan says that behind all the make-overs are women and every straight guy needs to be loved and the Fab Five love to play cupid.

Credits. Jai keeps rockin’ those headphones like no one’s business even though they may weigh more than he does.

Kyan says, “The first step to romance is looking inside yourself.” Kyan sounds as if he’s talking to a bunch of four year olds. He needs to take voice over lessons to back down on the condescending tone. Since the first step deals with looking on the inside, they show a bunch of shots of guys looking in the mirror. Because they have X-Ray vision and the mirrors reflect their souls?

The sub-title for this segment is “Find Your Inner Dater.” Cut to Jai giving advice on meeting girls. Then lots of men complaining about how they don’t know how to be romantic or talk to women. Some women complain about how their men aren’t romantic. One woman complains that her husband proposed to her during a commercial break of NYPD Blue—well, you married him! Some guy has kept something from his old girlfriend in his apartment which is anti-romance. Cut to Carson telling Straight Volleyball Coach that “There’s no ‘I’ in team—there’s an ‘M’ and an ‘E’ though.” Ha!

Now shots of the guys giving quick advice and showing their quick wit.

Sub-title: Romance Killers. A lot of hair. Smelly feet which make the guys wear gas masks and take fungus cultures. Smelly rugs from cat urine and tuna. Smelly sweaters. Stray dreadlocks which Carson makes into a mustache. Thom humps a bunk bed. Too much cologne. Carson refers to Broadway Straight Guy’s underwear as “birth control.”

Sub-title: First Impressions. Meeting at bars. Drunk love. Meeting at work and sexually harassing each other. Hitting is a turn on. Practice dating. Internet Straight Guy mock dates Thom and then goes to Hurry Date all over again. Thom talks about masturbation for no other reason than saying masturbation.

Sub-title: The Well-Groomed Guy. Cut your hair. Cut. Cut. Cut. Kyan wants men to cut their hair. He terrifies men. He hugs them. He gives men nose-hair trimmers. Use Crest White Strips because they sponsor Bravo. Hair product. Use it. Lots of it.

Sub-title: Dress to impress. Carson is offended by K-Mart clothes. Big shoes are clown shoes. All black makes you look like Branch Davidians. Texture and color are good. Tight jeans are good when there’s no “ballroom, like a cheap hotel.” Cheap clothing can be stylish.

Kyan molests a bald guy’s head and voices over his self-introduction once again.

Sub-title: Dating don’ts. Guys don’t take their dates’ coats. They forget to offer drinks. Broadway Straight Guy doesn’t shower and, as Ted says, “he was smelly!” Bad introductions. Psycho callbacks from the Internet Straight Guy. Stand-up Comedian Straight Guy shares intimate stories about porn and his girlfriend with his girlfriend sitting in the audience. I’m sure she’s happy the Queer Eye folks are showing this clip right around Valentine’s Day, so she can keep the romance alive. Rocker Straight Guy takes his date to a club next to a strip club. Nice!

Sub-title: Dating Dos. Jai says be gracious, take a coat, offer a drink, give a tour. Open car doors. Pull out chairs. Offer your jacket to cold dates. Greet a woman with a kiss, but only if it’s not the first date. Put a napkin on your date’s lap if she’s lost the use of her hands. Feed her too. She’s an invalid. Blonde girl from the movie Airheads can’t get over the New Tom because he does things that the FF have taught him to do. She comments, “The old Tom didn’t do a lot of things.” Isn’t that the point of the make-over?

Sub-title: We Love A Flirt. Artist Straight Guy Brian flirts with someone who licks him. Internet Straight Guy shows his butt to girls who ask him to. Some drunk woman wants to have his children. A broken necklace for Rocker Straight Guy? No! He has his date put the necklace back on his neck and he moves his hand to her knee! Oh, he’s got the moves! He’s Mr. Smooth! Ted asks Jai to help him with his unzipped pants. Old people get it on. Carson hits on the straight guys.

Sub-title: Winning her heart. Military Straight Guy Ross and Coach Straight Guy all want to please their women. Hairy Straight Guy wants to make shellfish. Bald Music Straight Guy wants to sing a song. Lots of massage, confidence, and dance instruction.

Sub-title: Stand by your man. Women are proud of their men. They love them anyway. They move cross-country for their men. Toupee Straight Guy gets support from his wife for getting rid of toupee. British woman with the big eyes tells Simply Red Straight Guy that his hair was stringy and now he looks a lot better.

Kyan voices over, “Hi, I’m Kyan,” because we all have the memory of a goldfish and need to be reminded that he’s hosting a Best Of edition. “We can’t have romance without fire.”

Sub-title: Create the mood. Light candles. A lot of candles. And Staten Island Straight Guy talks baby talk. And light more candles. Thom has a conniption that Long Island Straight Guy hasn’t lit candles but then claps when he remembers. Straight Guys light candles inside a book shelf. Smoke comes out of the fire place—Coach Straight Guy needs to open the flue. He does so by sticking his flammable arm into the fire. Elsewhere, Cowboy Straight Guy has a Moroccan wonderland of candles and torches going. Simply Red Straight Guy can’t light a match.

Sub-title: Romance no-nos. Make your girlfriend answer the door and cook. Jai says all the straight guys wind up doing that. Chinese Straight Guy gives a really bad massage. Airheads Straight Guy has left out an ex-girlfriend’s teddy bear (Thom’s fault!). Elsewhere, a wife is carrying buckets of ice around while Simply Red Straight Guy keeps his girlfriend outside in the cold while he puts his jacket on.

Sub-title: Food is sexy. Straight men cook. Blonde Straight Guy tells his girlfriend not to touch the stove because “this is all me and I’m doing this for you.” Which is a nice contrast to the last sequence of all the guys making the women do half the cooking. Simply Red Straight Guy flips out at giant prawns and downs a bottle of gin. Coach Straight Guy is going to burn the house down. Hairy Straight Guy has oysters and his girlfriend calls them an aphrodisiac. Lots of couples eat. Eat. Eat. Chew. Talk with their mouths full. Kiss. Eat.

Sub-title: Dance! Dance! Dance! Old men. Young men. Hairy men. Stiff men. They wind up in dance studios with Jai and happy-go-lucky dance instructors. Some guys wind up having a punching lesson instead. Old Straight Guy wants to dance but doesn’t want to be the first one. Aww, that’s endearing. I love old people. Thom says that Hairy Straight Guy “only wants to dance with Jai.” Ha! Then Carson calls it a bad episode of Soul Train as Hairy Straight Guy does a punch-myself-in-the-hand dance move. What is that all about? Old Straight Guy and Military Straight Guy count as they dance. It’s cute. The FF dance too! The women are happy. The guys cop a feel.

Hip Tip: Don’t use your cell phone at a restaurant. THANK YOU, JAI!!! Someone had to say it.

Voice over Kyan is back. He says, “Playing cupid is fun, but working with these guys is our pleasure.” I think that’s exactly what he said at the beginning of the episode.

Sub-title: Sexy guys. This segment should have been sub-titled Men Without Shirts. Because that’s all it is. Carson dressing and undressing guys. “Sweet home Alabama, you’re a hottie!” Heehee. Guys have abs! Guys have tattoos! Guys have pecs! Guys have biceps! The FF drool and hope for gay twin brothers. Sunglasses make the man. Carson swoons over Blonde Straight Guy. Thom puts in clear shower curtains! Carson gets cuddles by Cowboy Straight Guy.

Sub-title: The Reveal. Friends and relatives cry and shriek and are in shock. Why? Because Straight Guys have cut their hair and shaved and cleaned their homes. The FF are impressed with the pretty girlfriends and wives. Airheads girl screams, “Oh my God, the shoes!” Some of the women can’t stop laughing. Some give this over-zealous open-mouthed kisses.

Sub-title: Steal her heart. Bald Music Straight Guy thanks his wife and sings to her. Long Island Straight Guy makes a toast to his wife putting up with him. Awkward Straight Guy loves his girlfriend and appreciates her. Airheads Straight Guy asks Airheads girlfriend to move in. Staten Island Straight Guy woos his girl by saying she puts a “spark in his pants.” Yup, that screams romance.

Sub-title: Sweetest gifts. Necklaces. Massages. Flowers at the work desk. Hot foot massages. Lockets with pictures of sons and husbands. The Old Straight Guy has a watch to give and he’s nervous and I love them. Jets Straight Guy proposes.

Kyan’s voice over is back!

Sub-title: Unforgettable proposals. A bunch of guys get ready to propose. The biggest nights of their lives. It’s a big deal. Champagne. Chocolate. Stand-up Comedian Straight Guy asks girlfriend’s parents in Polish for permission to propose, which is sweet. Guys sweat. A lot. Women are happy and shocked and crying. Except for Cowboy Straight Guy’s girlfriend who says, “Nothing would make me happier,” but doesn’t seem all too happy about it.

Sub-title: Wedding bells. Straight Ray and Asian Straight Guy get suits and ceremonies and decorations for the reception. They give toasts and write vows. People get married. People cry. People dance. It’s all very wedding-like.

Sub-title: Seal it with a kiss. Straight guys kiss their women. Airheads use tongue. Military Straight Guy kisses his girlfriend’s eye. The Fab Five swoon over Blonde Straight Guy’s kiss.

Kyan voices over, “And remember, a kiss is just a kiss, except for when it’s the best kiss of your life.” Does that make any sense?

The Fab Five’s highlights reel hopefully has reminded straight guys of the world the dos and don’ts of romance for this Valentine’s Day. And has probably opened old wounds for some of the women who had to sit through seeing the pre-make-over men embarrassed all over again. Now that’s got romance written all over it!

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

Was this episode more fluff or more filler?

Email christina@realityshack.com

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