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Samantha's Happy U-Haulin' Barbeque: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Episode 1.4

Hoppin’ on into the SUV for some more make-over fun…but wait! Through the magic of television, the SUV morphs into a U-Haul on the parkway and the Gal Pals appear in pink jumpsuits. It’s moving day! The lucky gal? Samantha, a twenty-six year old wife who lives in a spare room at her in-laws. That sounds fun! She and her husband Dan (what’s with the Daniels this season?) have just bought a house and they need to move because they currently sleep in a hide-a-way. Damon happily suggests, “They play hide-a-wiener in a hide-a-way!” And Samantha has big boobs and can’t cook. The mission, they decide, is to get Samantha “movin’ and groovin’.” I love a mission that rhymes.

Credits. Robbie is very Mission Impossible-like when he drops down to the animated house with a hairdryer.

The Gal Pals pile into Samantha’s in-laws’ house. She’s got on a red shirt (again, another motif this season for all the straight gals), a black cardigan, and glasses. She wears her hair in a ponytail. On the couch is grandpa who speaks no English. Of course, this means everyone has to stand directly in front of him and shout “Hola!” Dan the Husband is there too. Thankfully, no one yells foreign hellos at him.

They find the hide-a-way, a plaid fold-out couch that Honey quickly folds up never to be used again. Then everyone starts grabbing stuff and bringing it outside to load into the U-Haul. Grandpa better watch out before they pack him in, too. Hanging outside is one of those decorative flags. This one has patchwork flowers on it and is pretty tacky. Danny grabs it and says, “This is a freedom flag gone wrong!” but then adopts it into his color guard for the gay pride movement. Basically, he spends the next five minutes wielding it at anyone within five feet of him.

Inside, Damon and Robbie had packed Honey into a box. However, since she’s supposedly the only one who knows how to drive the U-Haul, they decide to let her out. She pops out, referring to herself as a “dyke in the box.” To be sold at toy stores soon.

As Robbie and Danny wrestle on the floor over a stuffed animal, Honey steps over them, muttering something about how the lesbian has to do all the work.

Next there’s a shot of the grandfather hanging up the phone, but we hear Damon’s voice saying, “Hi. There are all these people in my house. They’re taking all my stuff.” Then the camera cuts to Damon. He immediately picks up a plastic dinosaur and asks, “Are we taking this with us?” Heehee.

Outside, Robbie is having a terrible time trying to fit stuff into the U-Haul. The futon frame just doesn’t want to go in. Honey tries to instruct him on how to do it, but he doesn’t listen and continues trying to jam it into a space where other crap already is. He yells, “I know about dresses and shoes!”, not about packing. Ha. Finally, they get everything into the U-Haul and wave good-bye to Husband Dan. Because there’s room for only four in the front, they pack Robbie into the back with a flashlight. He cowers and says, “I’m scared of straight people” very Blair Witch.

Up front, Danny asks Samantha to describe her family in one word. Samantha says “loud.” Then Danny relays the message to Robbie by yelling through the wall of the truck. They arrive at the new house and finally let Robbie out of the back.

The house is a giant blank slate. Damon loves that the kitchen has all new appliances. Danny and Robbie do a little chant in the bathroom. Damon goes out to the backyard. He loves it. There’s a nice patio. He says they just need to trim back the plants.

In the front yard, Danny wants to sift through the crap and have a YARD SALE!! Now everyone has to start yelling YARD SALE at three second intervals. Danny then hammers a YARD SALE sign into the front lawn with a pink pump. He says to Robbie, “Weren’t you finished with these?” Robbie finds a large orange cone and yells that there’s free stuff. Well is it a sale or is it a give-away?

Samantha peeks outside and is shocked, embarrassed and a little bit pissed that they’re selling her possessions. Danny now has on a pair of black panties over his pink jumpsuit. He goes through some lingerie with Samantha and asks her if she uses any of it still. She says of course she does, so he tells Robbie to stay away from the lingerie and not to wear it or steal it (I guess he’s caught on that Robbie’s a klepto). Says the man wearing the panties.

Cut to Honey making lemonade. Lesbian Lemonade. No secret ingredients. Only a lesbian’s touch.

Danny gets the dirt on Samantha’s relationship. She was dating Husband Dan for about nine years. They’ve been married for about a month. Samantha says she wants to create a home by the end of the day to repay Husband Dan for supporting her throughout law school.

Cut to Robbie with his big orange cone. He screams, “Samantha and Dan just got out of lock up and they just moved in!” Heeheee. Then, to call more attention, “And Honey is a lesbian!” Because lesbian is a rabble rousing word.

Back to Danny and Samantha, who has no clue this is all going on outside. She talks about their family’s tradition of gathering and barbequeing. Danny is going to help her host the family BBQ.

Robbie, who will not be ignored, is now toting his big orange cone door to door. He approaches the house of someone named Shamus, which I thought is a boy’s name but a woman is at the door. Two little kids run outside. Robbie asks if they want to meet the neighbors. The woman says sure, in a way that means “I’m going to agree with everything you want so that you’ll leave me alone.” Then the little girl pipes up, “What’s a lesbian?” The Shamus lady laughs all embarrassed and Robbie giggles all cutsie. Robbie leans over and says, “A lesbian is a woman who is in love with another woman.” Sex ed on the porch! In the background, Damon and Honey can’t believe that he’s teaching the little girl what a lesbian is. Honey tells him that he’s said quite enough and Damon asks, “Is she crying now?” Ha.

Robbie abandons the porch and takes up his big orange cone once again. “Lesbian for show and tell!” Heehee. Never give up, Robbie. Live the dream.

Out on the front lawn YARD SALE/GIVEAWAY, Danny dons a crocheted pink poncho over his pink jumpsuit. “What is this?” he asks all appalled. It is semi-ugly. The whole neighborhood arrives to steal Samantha’s stuff. They make some girl put on a black dress. Then she takes it off. No one buys anything. The GP decide to load everything into the house. They want to keep one shelf that’s Husband Dan’s and start out everything else from scratch.

Samantha’s friend says that Samantha is a bargain shopper.

Husband Dan says she dresses up to her neck. Sexy!

The U-Haul has been traded in for the SUV and the GP are finally out of their jumpsuits and in normal couture. And you know who else is back? Damon’s Hunky Helpers!! They walk into the house in slow motion. Hooray.

In the SUV, Honey and Robbie ask Samantha what she wants to look like at the end of the make-over. She says she wants to be sexy again.

Cut to Hunky Helpers in slo-mo, moving things. Sigh.

Back to the SUV, Samantha explains further that she wants to be sexy but not too revealing. Robbie clarifies, “Not a prostitute.” Ha.

Back to one more shot of the HH! Slo-mo sweaty, tattooed biceps. I want to date that arm.

In the SUV, Samantha says she loves being girly. She loves pointy shoes. And for this, Robbie loves her! They get out of the car at Planet Bunk (or Funk?) because it has a wide variety of jeans. Robbie wants to accentuate her curves because she has nice hips and he loves “the twins.” Samantha says she likes straight legged jeans but can never find ones that fit right. That’s because, as Robbie says, she’s buying the wrong cut. No tapering dammit! He wants flare! He wants four inch heels! I think he wants these things for himself more than for her.

Robbie puts her in a dressing room and says that if she needs help, he’s can help without looking. He’s good at “turning [his] back and closing [his] eyes.” But then he peeks around the dressing room curtain anyway. Why is Robbie constantly hitting on the straight girls? Samantha asks, “Should I take off my bra?” Immediately, Honey yells back, “Absolutely!” Heehee. Samantha walked right into that one.

Now we see why Samantha asked that. Her new shirt is a brown tank with a racer back and a flowy scarf thing down the front. She can’t wear a regular bra with this top. She’s wearing the flare jeans, too, with heels. The pants are a bit long; Robbie says that she should get them fixed so that she can see the tip of the toes and heels.

The next outfit is a clingy black shirt with a very wide neck that’s almost off the shoulder but tight enough so it won’t fall off as if she’s Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. She is wearing another pair of jeans and red shoes. Awesome.

Honey compliments everyone’s ass as Robbie pushes Samantha out of the store to meet Damon at a modern furniture store. The store has furniture that’s “young, hip, and cool.” Obligatory couch sitting. The couch is, as Robbie says, “like butter.” It’s a butternut squash color and leathery. Damon says that to keep it looking fresh, she can occasionally switch out the pillows and use different color combinations. He goes off on a pillow tangent, realizes that he’s lost everyone, and says, “Okay, so let’s move on then!” Heehee.

They discuss Samantha’s really small bedroom. “Have you seen the size of my closet?” she moans. They find a bed that has drawers underneath for storage. Damon loves the bed but suggests getting it in a lighter color. The dark wood would make the room look smaller. Ooh, even I knew that!

Robbie skips over to some oddly-shaped chairs and slides across them. Then he curls himself into a fetal position to lay on one. Damon scoops him up and sends him over to the beds. “I’m giving you a time out.” That doesn’t last long because it’s “hugs all around!” and Samantha leaves to go see Danny. The gay one, not the one she’s married to.

At the gym, Danny is wearing a muscle shirt. I’m gonna have to say that again. At the gym, Danny is wearing a muscle shirt. One more time, with feeling: AT THE GYM, DANNY IS WEARING A MUSCLE SHIRT. Okay, it’s out of my system now. And he has on TIGHT PANTS. NOW it’s out of my system. He shows Samantha around the gym a bit but says that they’re not going to use any of that equipment. “We’re going to use this!” and he makes a sweeping motion at a rock wall. Samantha is less than thrilled about rock climbing as Danny tells her that she’s going to work all her muscle groups.

They meet James the Expert Rock Climber. James is cute! And he can climb rocks as well as boost people up onto rocks. I love a man who’s multitalented. Danny tells Samantha it’s time to “chalk up!” and he claps some chalk on his hands. They stand at the base of the wall and Danny, who is twelve at heart, suggests racing up the wall. Samantha deadpans, “Can I get a twenty minute head start?” Heehee.

James the Expert Rock Climber gives her some help by pushing and spotting while Danny directs her as to which hold to grab next. They finally finish and slouch against the bottom of the wall again. Danny gets all Jane Fonda and asks, “Did you feel the burn?” Samantha looks as if she did. Somehow, she finds the strength to get to her feet and leave while Danny stays behind “to play some more.”

Samantha meets up with Honey at Alex and Friends Salon, which she calls “Beverly Hills in your own backyard.” She and the make-up artists talk to Samantha about the essential things they need to put on when they go out. It’s all about the eyes. Since Samantha has big eyes, she needs to use concealer, base, and mascara. The Secret Key To Beauty: Q-Tips. Use them for everything. EVERYTHING. Except for when blending in the concealer; in that case, you have to use your ring finger because it’s the weakest finger. Aww, poor finger.

Next it’s mascara. Use Loreal because they sponsor all of Bravo’s shows along with the Crest White Strips that we haven’t seen in a while. One side of the Loreal mascara moisturizes while the other magnifies. Ooooh. The make-up artist says to wiggle it at the base. Ha Ha Ha! Oh, wait, she’s talking about the mascara. Nevermind.

In the mirror, Samantha likes what she sees. Her eyes really stand out. But that could also be because she’s taken off her glasses. Seriously, she wasn’t that much in need of a make-over. This is a classic rip off your glasses and shake out your hair and you go from librarian-school-marm to Claudia Schiffer in one fell swoop. Anyway, her eyes are great.

Over to the hairguy who Honey asks about thinning hair. Samantha’s hair has been thinning in the past few months. The hairguy says to use mint conditioner because it stimulates hair growth. And you get to smell like gum. Hairguy loves Samantha’s oval face and it’s a perfect face and hooray for her face. He plans to cut the corners of her hair to accentuate the oval perfection that is her face. How you cut a corner of hair, I have no idea.

Husband Dan says Samantha always likes to be in control.

Mom says it’s the first time Samantha is on her own. I guess she means the couple.

In the SUV, Honey says Samantha’s hair is amazing. It’s angled around her face. It’s lovely. Samantha thinks Husband Dan with love it because it’s a natural look. If she had come home blonde, he would divorce her apparently.

She’s excited about her first night in her new home. She tells Honey that she doesn’t expect to get any sleep. She thinks that she and Husband Dan will be running around the house looking at all their new stuff and the new walls and sitting on the new couch. Honey asks, “Is that ALL you think you’ll do?” Does Honey think about anything aside from sex?

Damon welcomes everyone back to what is now a home. The living room has soft yellow walls. The butternut couch is there with some matching cushy chairs. Green plants accent the room. She also has built-in shelves under the divider between the living room and kitchen. Samantha tears up. “I can’t breathe!” She’s all “omigod!” as she points to the new shelves. Damon says she’s now “chachified” which I’m pretty sure translates to, “She’s got a lot of crap on her shelves, but it’s nice crap.”

They bring her into the bedroom and Samantha exclaims, “You guys are good!” The GP laugh the “I know but you’re sweet for saying so” laugh. The bed has taupe bedding with matching subtle irredescent curtains. Husband Dan’s shelving unit is along one bedroom wall. The walls are off-white. The room is as spacious as it can be, and Samantha is very happy.

Next, they head to the backyard. Damon has installed a BBQ grill on the patio, and Robbie points out the landscaping with pretty plants. Samantha loves the long table, perfect for a family gathering. Along the perimeter is a bamboo fence. There’s also some dinnerware on the table and we hear Damon’s edited in product endorsement voice over. Why do they do that?

Over in the kitchen, Danny and Samantha have on two-foot-tall white chef hats. They’re going to make pesto-spinach stuffed tomatoes (to-MAH-toes, as Danny says). They sauté some spinach, throw in some cheese, do another 80 steps. Samantha asks, “should I be writing this down?” Heehee. Danny mocks frustration, “No, I’ll do it for you.” Next is pork-corn marinated kebabs. He shows her how to cut the corn into inch-long pieces that are a lot longer than an inch. “I’m overestimating, but I always do that with inches,” Danny smirks. As Samantha watches, she says that she thinks it’s something she can definitely do.

Next they make a marinade, which is also a fun phrase to say out loud. Red wine, olive oil, chiles. A lot of chiles. More than necessary. Samantha says that Husband Dan likes it hot. I think all the GP do, too.

They head out to the grill. Danny places two kebabs down and the flames start flaming. Samantha says, “Whoa.” Yet, she agrees that the cooking is simple and doable. All this fun and a chef’s hat, too.

Robbie steals Samantha away to talk about accessorizing. Accessories are Robbie’s favorite thing in the world. Probably because they’re the easiest things to steal. He shows her how to take a fuchsia striped scarf and turn it into a belt with some brooches. Also, he has a belt that gets wrapped around the waist a few times and then can hang down like pants jewelry. Metallic leather boots. An olive shrug. Earrings galour. He shows her a million combinations she can do with what she has.

Next, Honey kicks Robbie out of the bedroom, sits Samantha down, and has a heart to heart about seduction. Seriously, she really doesn’t think about anything aside from sex. Love it. She pulls back the comforter to reveal satin sheets. Oooh. The easier to fall out of bed when they’re sleeping. Then Honey gives her a gift basket. Of sex toys. Lotions! Foreplay cards! Edible oils! Sex as a game!

They all gather into the living room and Danny brings on the champagne. Samantha comments that she’ll be drunk before the party’s even started. Honey gives her a Kate Spade bag with all the make-up she’ll ever need, ever. Danny gives her a cook book with an inscription. I love how they give each gal an inscribed book at the end of each make-over. That’s seriously one of the best presents to ever give someone, period. She doesn’t want to read the inscription because she’ll start crying again. They tell her she has to read it. She does. And she cries. Then she says they’re incredible.

Then Samantha thanks each one of them individually. To Danny, “I wanted to kill you when I saw that rock wall,” but she’s grateful that he challenged her. To Robbie, “You put new life back into me and my clothes.” Robbie gets all teary-eyed. To Honey, “thanks for the make-up lesson because it’s better than any keepsake” because she’ll now remember how to be beautiful. To Damon, “you put your heart and soul into my home which is my heart and soul.” They all say “you’re welcome.”

Danny guarantees everything should be lovely. Kisses. Hugs. It’s a love fest. Robbie calls out, “You’re my favorite! I love you!” as he leaves. Samantha, by herself, continues crying, but just a bit.

Hip Tip: Change your hair color, change your make-up. We knew that already, Honey.

Husband Dan says Samantha needs help in the kitchen.

Samantha’s friend says that Samantha’s really good at reheating things.

Instead of the Critic Couch, the Gal Pals gather round Danny’s ultra-modern kitchen for some kebabs and kvetching.

Samantha begins by doing her eye make-up. The GP are impressed with her technique. Danny gives her a 12 out of 10. Then Samantha shoves all the sex toys into a drawer under the bed. Honey calls out, “It’s easier if you take them out of their boxes!” Samantha doesn’t.

Then there’s an accessory crisis. Samantha has out every piece of jewelry she can find. Damon says, “I think five brooches might be too many.” Heehee. Samantha finally chooses a minimal amount. Crisis averted.

She puts on a tight red tank and blue jeans. The tank still has the tag on it. They wonder if she’s going to return it. She checks herself in the mirror, decides she likes what she sees, and then expertly tears the tag off the back by blindly reaching back for it and yanking.

Over in the kitchen, a new crisis arises. Danny shouts, “NO!” but it’s too late. Samantha has started combining ingredients without first sautéing the spinach. Maybe she should have written it down. Not so simple and doable now, is it? With food on the stove, the doorbell rings and Samantha leaves her kitchen post. Robbie says, “She’s running to the door like a crazy woman!”

Husband Dan is outside. He grins when she opens the door. “Look at me!” she yells all happy. Husband Dan loves the way she looks and loves his new home. The food starts burning so she runs to the kitchen with Husband Dan yelling after her, “You’re cooking?” in disbelief. She’s sort of cooking. She shows him outside, leaving the food to burn once again. They keep kissing each other. Love, love, love.

Samantha returns to the kitchen and stirs a globby, green mess around. “I did this wrong.” Danny says it looks like “something that passed through me last Thanksgiving.” That’s so gross. Samantha then makes Husband Dan do the pork-corn kebabs and multiplies the marinade amounts by eight for no apparent reason.

Honey says, “She’s still stunning.” As if that makes up for the ruined food. A pretty face does not feed a family.

Samantha continues to run around. At one point, she clanks and carries three vases outside and Damon just about passes out. Husband Dan cuts himself while cooking, and Robbie goes Monty Python, “It’s just a flesh wound!”

The family arrives. Danny says Samantha has a “glam mom.” The whole family loves the house. The GP check out the gay friends. Damon yells, “The queers are here!” The gay friends love the couch and the bed. More family come. And more. And more. And everyone loves everything and everyone.

The food? Still not on the barbeque. Danny points out that the grill isn’t even on yet.

Samantha drags her girlfriends into the bedroom for a fashion show. Then she shows them all the sex toys. One of the friends says that they should come with instructions. Damon asks annoyed, “What’s wrong with them?” Honey says she thinks they’re kidding.

Danny is still harping about the uncooked meal. Cut to Samantha’s parents pitching in with the food in the kitchen. The entire family joins in. Danny now thinks it’s great that they’re all helping. They’re all hungry!

Husband Dan and Samantha come outside, and he thanks everyone for coming to celebrate their housewarming. Samantha then thanks everyone, too, and wishes the Gal Pals were there because they’re loud, just like the family. She invites the family over to enjoy the house just as she will enjoy it with her husband. Cheers! Clapping. Kissing.

Danny said that they got Mom’s stamp of approval so it all worked out, and he hopes that Samantha will cook on her own some day. Damon says they all did a phenomenal job. Cheers again.

Danny says that you can barbeque fruits for dessert.

Honey says to keep your mascara tube closed tightly.

Damon says that you should wash leather furniture.

Robbie says that you should replace the plastic heels with rubber heels to be safe in high heels.

And that’s how to go from dowdy law student to uber model sex goddess with some mascara and just a few kebabs.

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

What exactly is the secret ingredient in lesbian lemonade? Email me at christina@realityshack.com

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