home Archive Episode 2 – Butt Crack Attack

Episode 2 – Butt Crack Attack

In this episode we learn how the teams got their names. Daniel’s team (Biz Markie, Mia Tyler and Joe G.) are the Eastsiders because they all come from the East Coast originally. The other team is called “Ralphie’s Angels” ‘cuz it’s three ladies and Ralphie May. The ladies are, of course, Kim Coles, Wendy “The Snapple Lady” Kaufmann and Judge Mablean.

We also know that the Eastsiders’ game plan is to engage in psychological warfare, under the auspices of their Baldwin Brother, Daniel.

Mablean was first to weigh in. She obviously felt confident because she said, “I’m even stepping light.” Her goal was 5 lbs. She lost 6, so she exceeded the goal. The panel asked her how she did it. She told them that she is motivated by being team captain and really wants to lead by example. She also says she feels ‘cared for’ because of the panel helping them along the way.

Her new target is 9 lbs.

ANT asks Mablean to do her impression of Kim. Kim’s none too happy with it, but – from the editing, it seems accurate, if not flattering. Kim’s been vocal about how difficult the process is and can often be caught complaining instead of exercising.

Daniel, who doesn’t miss a trick, comments on the dissension among the “Angels”.

Biz Markie is ready to weight in. He’s always rapping, but it does take some practice. I guess you can’t get a rap perfect on the first try. It was kinda funny watching Biz work on one for a ‘commercial spot’ for the show. I think it demonstrated exactly why the guy hasn’t had a mainstream hit in — oh, about 15 years. (Yes, that was cruel, but that’s me. B*tchy & cruel!)

He had a 7 lb target weight loss. Last week he was 344; this week, he met his goal exactly. He was down to 337. Dr. Katz told him that was a ‘bull’s eye’. He also wants to be sure that Biz is making changes that he can stick to for a lifetime.

That’s one of the best parts of this program – that it takes the proper approach of lifestyle changes because that’s what will get long-term success. (As if I would know. LOL!)

Marisa, the hypnotherapist, reminds Biz why he’s doing this. Biz told her that he wants to be outlive people
older than he is. He doesn’t want to die of his own stupidity.

We also get to see Biz in his workout gear. He wears these pants that show off his prodigious butt crack. TMI (Too Much Information) y’all. I guess VH-1 feels that celebrity butt crack is more appealing than, what, plumber butt crack?

YUCK! The only celebrity butt I want to see is Brad Pitt (or Johnny Depp, or just about anyone else but Biz Markie. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW).

Biz’s new target is 7 lbs. He tells Harvey that he’ll double it. (We’ll see, won’t we?)

Ralphie’s up next. He’s tired. He doesn’t feel good. His schedule is very grueling. His girlfriend is Lahna Turner. She’s a very funny comedian in her own right. (I’ve seen her live; she often performs as Ralphie’s opening act. And she can sing too.) Lahna talks about how it’s been non-stop for Ralphie for over a year.

Ralphie jokes that his 481 lbs were a ‘light’ weight. He told the panel that he really took Dr. Katz’s nutritional advice to heart.

*No Fried Foods
*No Red Meat
*No Cheese

He admitted that the last part was hardest for him. Cheese really makes a sandwich. I agree, Ralphie!

He also exercised; forced himself to do so. His perseverance paid off – the man lost 12 lbs. His next goal is 16 lbs.

Mia Tyler has a reputation as a tough-chick. She and Harvey, the fitness trainer, don’t get along. They got off on the wrong foot, especially when Mia forgot her sneakers for Fit Camp. She asked Harvey what to do and he told her she was stupid for forgetting sneakers and to stop making excuses.

She doesn’t like the way he talks to her.

She told him, “I’ll pop you.” I’d like to see that. Maybe FOX will pick that up for another round of Celebrity Boxing.

Harvey joked that he and Mia must’ve been married in a previous life. Her goal was 4 lbs. She thought she had hit it. In the end she lost 5 lbs. Way to go Mia.

Marisa asks her why she’s here. Mia says she doesn’t want to be ‘thin’. She wants to be healthy. She also tells Harvey that her size doesn’t make her less sexy because sexy is more about attitude than size. Harvey, obviously, disagrees.

Mia, I agree with you. Keep staying positive. Health over thinness is important. Health over obesity too! Mia does tell Harvey that his attitude can have a downside and may drive some people to be thin at all costs.

As a model, I’m sure Mia’s seen her share of eating disorders – and as a woman, I know I have. I struggled with Bulimia for over 14 years. Health and fitness, not thinness and certainly NOT at all costs. I like the fact that Mia is sticking to her beliefs and isn’t afraid to speak up. Go, MIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time for another segway.

Kim Coles has a crush on Harvey. They show her giggling with Mia and objectifying the man. Daniel thinks it’s very funny that Kim likes him. I can’t see it, but stranger relationships have happened. Kim says he’s sexy and passionate. I don’t think a romance will develop, however at least not until Kim’s at a fighting weight in Harvey’s eyes.

Anyway, Kim’s goal was a 6 lb weight loss. She lost 7 and celebrated it, especially since she’s premenstrual. She said she did lots of cardio, on the elliptical machines. (By the way, I love elliptical machines. If any elliptical machine company is reading this and wants to dontate one to my fat a$$, I’ll sing your praises all day, all night and all over the internet!)

Now, for the team challenge. This week’s challenge had the teams doing a swimming pool relay. Because Kim was so self-conscious about how she looks in a suit, she put on a wetsuit. Unfortunately, it was buoyant and made her float, not swim. Big surprise! Team Baldwin (the Eastsiders) won the challenge.

They got a bucket o’ prizes:

**Mia got a Celeb Fit Club doll and the opportunity to get her image made into a doll as well.

**Biz got a digital camera.

**Daniel got a diamond but he gave it to Joe G. so he could give it to his fiancée Dianne.

I was so impressed with that action by Daniel that I forgot to write down what the last prize was.

Now, it’s Joe G.’s turn to face the scale – and the panel. He’s having trouble with the fitness assessments. Harvey was concerned as was Dr. Katz. They had him undergo some testing on his heart to make sure he was up to the exercise portion of the challenge. Joe’s been a lifelong smoker and he’s a little upset at how out of shape he’s gotten. He used to be very athletic and played ball when he was younger.

Dr. Katz was encouraged when he received the results which showed that the problem wasn’t with Joe’s heart. He had a 7 lb. target. He told them it wasn’t high enough, so they made it 8 lbs.

I guess Joe knew what he was asking for. He actually registered an 11 lb. loss and shattered the goal. When asked what his secret was, he said: hard work, determination and his fiancée.

Joe reminded Harvey that he promised he’d give him a pat on the back if he met his goal. So, Harvey did. 14 lbs is his next target loss.

Wendy’s turn. She’s so sweet and refreshing. Her target was 5 lbs; she lost 7. She was so excited. She also talked about her dealings with hypnosis and Marisa Peer. She admitted her skepticism, but told everyone that she’s working hard on the emotional reasons why she overeats.

She did a ‘regression’ – that’s when you go back in your own lifetime (or in another if you do believe in that) – with the clear intent to figure out what’s going on in your present life. It was discovered that Wendy felt pushed aside after she went from being the baby in her family at the age of 2 to one of the older siblings of twins.

She says that this process is empowering her to understand why she overeats and is helping her to not do it now. The panel recognizes her determination and resolve. They congratulate her for it.

I also congratulate her on her spirit. She’s classy and sweet, but not a pushover – either. (Plus a family friend has a huge crush on her – Wendy, call me. I’ll hook you up with him!)

Finally, it’s the Eastsiders’ captain, Daniel Baldwin. His target was 10 lbs. Daniel’s having some serious trouble with his back and his knees. He hasn’t been able to exercise very much. Regardless, he still lost 7 lbs. He’s trying to lead by example, but seems to have a lot of respect from his team (even if he doesn’t get or give much to the other team!)

In the end, “Ralphie’s Angels” won the final assessment. They lost a combined total of 32 lbs; whereas, the “Eastsiders” lost 30 lbs.

— Hasta la vista, babies. I’m going to go eat some cookies, sit on my fat a$$ and watch more TV. I’m out!

***Got questions, concerns or comments? Email them to panndyra@realityshack.com

Isn’t ANT the greatest? —


Freelance writer, webmaster of realityshack.com, chief editor at applemagazine.com, contribtor to TechLife News and maketecheasier.com, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.