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Meeting Each Other or Meeting Ourselves? – Starting Over, 01-21-05

by LauraBelle

The only person you ever meet in a relationship is yourself. These were the closing words that Iyanla spoke in Group. How true they are. Perhaps what makes us close the door on a relationship is seeing too much of ourselves.

Cassie reads the letter to the Licensed Clinical Social Worker that she wrote to the adoptive parents of her birth son. The social worker asks for it to be redone, to address her birth son’s needs more. She guesses that Cassie is seen as a threat to them. Cassie says she has to believe they want to do the right thing. Rhonda tells her she is meeting with a private detective that night to help her find this birth son she has longed for for eighteen years. The confidence is growing in Cassie so much that she says she doesn’t need anyone picking apart her words in how to do this, she just knows it needs to be done. Later Cassie calls her aunt looking for support, and doesn’t find any as her aunt feels she shouldn’t be meddling in this other family’s business.

Iyanla walks into the group session and asks what is a friend? Bethany believes it’s based on knowing when you need each other. Denise thinks it’s about counting on each other. Iyanla realizes the women don’t see it as a give and take situation. They see what they receive, but they don’t know what they give. The topic arises if they are all true friends with each other and if they trust each other. Denise believes you choose your friends, and she really didn’t choose to be with these certain five people.

Asked if they trust each other, the answers are mixed, and vary from woman to woman. Candy admits she has clashed the most with Denise in the house, and Denise admits to feeling the same way. They bring up the situation from the day before over Candy controlling the way Denise makes her food. The say they have solved the problem, but Iyanla doesn’t believe it very much. Renee speaks up and says she has the largest problem with Rachael. Through tears, Renee says Rachael puts up a wall to her when she tries to open up. But when Rachael repeats the words back, she’s not picking up everything Renee has been saying. To help this situation along, Iyanla is giving Candy and Denise the assignment of going out to dinner together, and is asking Rachael and Renee to find an activity to enjoy together as well.

In discussing privately with each other why Rachael doesn’t get along with Renee, Rachael tells Denise that Denise is one of the first people she can really open up with, and they realize they trust each other and are willing to be vulnerable with each other. Rhonda meets with Bethany over her friendships. Bethany has cut all her friends out of her life after her amnesia. She doesn’t remember them, so has avoided the pain she feels in being around them. To begin to reconnect with them, Rhonda tells her to call those old friends today and ask how they felt when she lost her memory, and how they felt it affected their friendships. Bethany is afraid to open up again to them for fear she will lose her memory again and wind up right where she was before feeling all that pain. She needs to be able to feel that vulnerability that Denise and Rachael have found.

Rachael moves on to a meeting with Iyanla, and they discuss how Rachael felt when she heard Renee talk of her struggle in getting to know her. Iyanla gets her to see she easily dismisses people she selects not to trust. Rachael has a huge moment of honesty and admits to sometimes feeling that she is superior to Renee, and dislikes her because she used to be just like Renee and sees that as wrong now. In pressing her last words of the Group, and how we only meet ourselves in a relationship, Iyanla tells her the perceptions they feel about each other are true, and that is why they have problems facing each other, as they are really facing the truth about themselves.

The day before Rachael had been given the assignment to decorate shells for cancer survivors in honor of her mom. Iyanla is now asking her to collect memories and information about her stepfather to have a future memorial for him. She also tells her she will combine that knowledge with the knowledge gained of her mother, and write them singly on note cards attached to the shells, as she gives them to the cancer survivors.

Cassie share her story with the private investigator and he is assigning someone that specializes in finding people to her case. He feels they have a good chance of finding him in just a few days. She is so close to her fairy tale dream she’s been dreaming of for four years.

Bethany calls her friends as told, and finds out very interesting things. She finds out friends she is close to now weren’t particularly that close before. She also finds her friends were hurt that she doesn’t come to them with her problems now; she only feels safe going to her father. She also gleams new things about herself, such as before, she hated country music, now it’s her favorite. She finds that quite amusing. Meeting with Rhonda later, she sees how she has shut them out and made her situation worse.

Denise is not looking forward, at all, to her dinner with Candy, but tries to put a happy face on for the event. They begin forcing a conversation over their dinner, but soon find they are not forcing any more, but enjoying each other’s company and finding new things out. They both realize they bring out the parts of each other they are in the house trying to resolve. A common bond is found when they realize they both had abuse and violence in their past. They have very similar backgrounds; they have just approached it and dealt with it differently.

Rachael and Renee don’t fare as well trying to connect. The walls are still up. These two are not willing to face the truth about themselves, so are not willing to open up to what the other woman brings out in them. Denise and Candy were able to do that, and come to an understanding that they realize the worst about themselves when they are around each other. Hopefully they can lead Rachael and Renee by their example.

I welcome all questions and comments at LauraBelle@realityshack.com

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