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Freelance entertainment writer, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.

The Amazing Race, May 6 – Captain Poopy Pants Wins the Race!

Brendon has his shaved ice passed and he and Redhead Rachel take of. They commit a big mistake by jumping in a cab to Aloha Stadium. J.J. finishes the task and he and Art take off, running, wondering if they should pay their taxi first. Running, Border Patrol gets to the helicopters first and say they feel like Magnum P.I. as they board.

Big Brother realize they should have gone on foot, and Brendon gets upset as Redhead Rachel tells him to stop freaking out. They messed up. He says they worked so hard and messed up on the stupidest stupidest things. She tells him to shut up, and he tells her he doesn’t want to listen to crazy Rachel.

Rachel and Dave hit the beach and need to rescue a distressed swimmer. One will be towed on the sled by another riding a waverunner. After everyone is safely on shore, they’ll get the next clue. They head out to the swimmer with Dave navigating the whole way. He grabs the swimmer and puts him on the sled fairly quickly. They work their way back to shore. As he lays on top of the disressed swimmer, Dave tells him he’d probably prefer Rachel on top of him and apologizes.

Border Patrol land on the beach and decide to just jog there and figure it out. Big Brother is arguing all the way back to the helicopters as she is screaming. Redhead Rachel yells at Brendon, then whines about messing up. It’s really hard to sit and listen to her at times like this. I’m not sure how he’s put up with it for the past few years.

Blonde Rachel and Dave finish their rescue and get a clue sending them to Coral KIngdom Gate for their next clue. Border Patrol hit the shore and start the rescue. They used to do rescue for Border patrol so figure it will be pretty easy. Blonde Rachel and Dave’s driver was going in the wrong direction and has to do a U-ee to make it right. Dave is just as condescening with the female driver as he is Rachel. This is nearly as hard to take as Rachel’s whining.

Border Patrol picks up the distressed swimmer and head back to shore. They complete it and get the clue to move on. Big Brother’s helicopter lands, and they take off to save the swimmer. Blonde Rachel and Dave and Border Patrol are still in the cab on their way to Carol Kingdom Gate. Dave calls it frustrating to have their fate completely in the hands of a stranger. They arrive just before Border Patrol and see directions telling them to ride a standup paddleboard across the fispond to the marked dock. They are not allowed to stand up. Rachel and Dvae take off … standing up.

Border Patrol arrives at a different spot and finds a Roadblock. One person from each team must ride down a hill, then pick up a lava rock and try to make a goal with it. Art chooses to do this one and grabs a sled and oils it up. He heads down the hill and wipes out. J.J. of course thinks he could have done it better and thinks they’re losing the time they had made on Rachel and Dave.

Blonde Rachel and Dave meanwhile have skipped that last Roadblock altogether and go running into the pit stop that they seem to have found by accident. They jump on the giant mat, but Phil tells them they are the first to arrive, yet they have not completed the Roadblock and have to before he can check them in. The other teams waiting to cheer them on are shocked. Blonde Rachel and Dave head back to find out what they missed.

Art is still trying to make it down the hill as J.J. announces it’s not their day. Rachel and Dave ask for directions to Coral Kingdom Gate and find out they’re half a mile too far. She tells him not to talk to her for about the next quarter mile. Rachel and Brendon finsih their rescue and head to the Coral Kingdom Gate as well.

Blonde Rachel and Dave arrive and find the Roadblock. J.J. can’t believe it seeing them show up. Art is still trying to ride this sled. It’s going to be him against Rachel. Dave and J.J. shake hands. Art almost gets it. Rachel wipes out right way, despite Dave saying he knows she has ridiculous skills. Big Brother stops for directions and find they’re still a half mile out. Rachel and her “ridiculous balance” completes the sledding as Art beats the ground.

Blonde Rachel tries to make her goal as Art still keeps falling off. J.J. complains it’s his sixteenth try. Rachel still can’t hit the goal. She tells Dave again to “shut the [muted] up.” The local completely cracks up. Art falls off again. Rachel finallly makes her goal, and they get the clue, knowing where they’re going this time, to the pit stop on “Finish Island.” J.J. tells them it was a good job on the sled. It’s hard for him to stomach though how close they were to a million dollars.

Big Brother arrives at the Roadblock and Redhead Rachel must do it. She falls off the sled and cries, yelling at Brendon. She gets it eventually and has to try and make the goal. She dances around while J.J. is just beside himself. The local loves the competition in all of this. Art makes one more attempt with the sled and finally makes it. He starts trying to make the goal as well.

Blonde Rachel and Dave run in yet again and this time are pronounced the winners of this season of The Amazing Race. They have set the record for most legs won by one team. She says it was amazing and she can’t tell Phil what it’s done for their relationship as she didn’t know what she would do when he was gone in Iraq. it was awesome to spend this time together. He has a new appreciation for his life partner. I wonder if this is before or after she keeps telling him to “shut the [muted] up.”

Art finally makes his goal as Redhead Rachel keeps trying. She makes it just after this and pouts her way in. Bad sport. Border Patrol congratulates Blonde Rachel and Dave on the mat, which is big since they weren’t talking. They are officially team number two. J.J. calls it a spectacular journey, and that doesn’t diminish depsite not winning, although it is a little bittersweet. Art says it’s not bad for a couple of old guys.

Big Brother run in and congratulate Blonde Rachel and Dave. She cheers her third place finish now. She calls it a cool experience for them as a couple. Brendon thinks everything between them and the other teams is done. He also thinks the Race has tested their relationship in ways not otherwise possible. It’s an experience and adventure they’re going to treasure the rest of their lives.

This was a crazy season right up until the end. At times Kentucky team Bopper and Mark seemed the only worthwhile team, the only ones who seemed to have the best spirit of the adventure and reason for doing this. They didn’t argue or whine or make fun of the other teams. Perhaps this makes them the true winners.

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