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Real Housewives of New Jersey, Ep. 3 – “Third Eye Blind”

Third eyes, busybodies, and a Solstice showdown.

The Guidices are still reeling from poker night when Rich Wakili gave Joe a black eye and busted lip … on accident. Before the rest of the family arrives, Teresa discusses the magazine articles and interviews with Jacqueline who touches up her eye make-up.

Lauren is still sticking to her diet and has lost a few pounds. She’s committed, preparing vegetables and boring grilled chicken. Having struggled with her weight her entire life and being the sister of two handsome brothers only feeds Lauren’s insecurities.

Caroline highlights Laruen’s brains and talents, but not quite her looks. Stressing on the brutal in Brutal Honesty. My God. Even some encouraging words like “You’re gonna lose it. Just keep working at it like you’re doing.” Or “Remember, part of this is genetics, we’re plumper people anyway” could actually help, Caroline. Really.

Caroline sometimes wishes Lauren had been a boy so she could be held on a pedestal like Albie and Christopher, have a higher metabolism, and be so beautiful and handsome. Because she does need to lose weight. Hmmm, I think I know why Lauren’s self-esteem may be as low as it is.

The whole family is out on the ocean, okay not exactly — they have a yacht. But this still spells danger. The children — those beautiful and gorgeous children — are all over the place. Riding their scooters through the streets and huddling near water.

Audriana is ripping through couches and giving the adults a chase while Milania tries to get Antonia into devilment whenever she isn’t verbalizing her anger.

Here comes Big Sister Gia. “What are you doing? Get off of that right now!”

Milania’s hanging from the rack in the closet. Oh my god. I know that all too well, being the eldest of three.

The busybody youngsters drive Rosie to an impromptu cigarette break. Jacqueline mentions that Caroline is going through menopause and now Teresa has an excuse for all the attitude.

No Teresa, your cookbook just finally popped a pimple that had been bothering loved ones for years probably.

After the yacht day, Melissa and Jacqueline stop by Caroline’s to chat and dish out info. Caroline gives out “sage” advice, as she’s known for. Gah.

The housewives attend a Summer Solstice Party, where everyone’s dressed in white for purity and goddesses or fairies are flowing all over. The women have a “third eye” placed on their foreheads to ward off negative energy. Didn’t someone else have a third eye? Like previous housewife Danielle? I could be off.

I really feel for Jacqueline. Teresa continually asks if Melissa told Jacqueline and Caroline about the family situation. Or more specifically, did Melissa repeat that Teresa called her a gold-digger. To be honest, it’s been said before, and Melissa defended her marriage with Joe and shrugged off Teresa’s cruel comment. Why is it such a big deal now?

Jacqueline’s in an awkward position because she has a loyalty to Teresa, her friend of almost ten years, but then she likes Melissa who isn’t the complete b*tch Teresa made the woman out to be. The pressure in that friendship is boiling. Teresa better be careful, she barely has anyone left on her side — friends nor family.

When Melissa comes over and talks with Teresa face-to-face , the word “jail” comes up, and Teresa storms out. One of the Kims, another woman, and Jacqueline go after Teresa — just as she probably wants — and questions her leaving.

Either Jacqueline tells Teresa what all is said and keeps whatever they talk about discreet or she isn’t a good friend. Teresa feels Jacqueline puts herself in the middle of drama on purpose (i.e.: wishy-washy). I foresee this friendship coming to an end quickly. I’ll give it one or two more episodes.

Melissa walks out to the parking lot to talk with Teresa once more. Kim stands nearby just in case, I guess. In case of what? I’m not sure, since she’s clutching her expensive purse in protection to bolt.

There is a lot of hand dancing between the quarreling women.

Teresa brings up cheating, yet doesn’t want Melissa or anyone else to bring up the cheating rumors about Joe Guidice. She turns things around — yet again — on the other person to take the negative attention off herself.

Teresa calls Kim over to mediate (wasn’t she standing nearby for that?) and Kim backs away like “I just want to leave.”

Teresa blames the whole fight on her brother. Dang, Teresa, really?

Rosie, Kathy’s sister, drops some knowledge on Teresa. Stop twisting words around and go directly to the person to speak her mind. Don’t get someone else to do the dirty work for you.

Melissa hands Teresa’s crap to her and Teresa tries to throw it all back. This five minute argument is so good I can’t do it justice by trying to get the words down. Can you script stuff this good? Wow.

On the next episode: Jacqueline skypes with Ashlee. Teresa tells her husband, Joe, everything that went down at the Summer Solstice party. Caroline offers [unsolicited] advice.

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