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Hurry, Rebekah! Date!: Queer Eye For The Straight Girl Episode 1.-1 (Sneak Peek)

Hurry, Rebekah! Date!

The Gal Pals pile into the SUV for a Special Sneak Peek make-over! Yes, this recap is out of order because the first episode comes first, dammit. So, for a more in-depth description of the Gal Pals, you can check out “Nicole H (and the H stands for Hotness!).” But just as a refresher (and this is the last time I’m doing this because after three episodes, we should know who everyone is without word-picture flashcards):

The Look: Robbie Laughlin. The epitome of cuteness.

The Life: Danny Teason. The man who would be my one true love if he weren’t gay or if I weren’t a straight woman. And, by the by, I know I said he had a British accent, but on listening more closely, it may be Australian. Or maybe it’s both. Who knows?

The Locale: Damon Pease. Roger Lodge’s lost half-brother.

The Lady: Honey Labrador. Still the most awesome name on the planet.

The down-on-her-luck gal is Rebekah. She’s in her late twenties and has had one serious relationship. Or, as the Gal Pals put it, only one serious relationship. Hey! I’m probably around the same age as this Straight Gal and I’ve had two serious relationships. That’s right—only two. I don’t know what the four of them are so upset about. Love is love. You can’t make it happen. Rebekah is a host for Hurry Date, yet doesn’t date anyone.

(Hurry Date is a service that crams a bunch of people together for about an hour and serves discount drinks. The women, in this case, sit in one place. Every three minutes, the guys move on to the next woman for a quick date. Kind of like a date-ette. This scenario may be familiar to QEFTSGuy fans who saw a guy sent to Hurry Date. In his case, the women moved around the room, but I’m pretty sure that was so the camera could stay in one place. I’ve heard from people who have done HD without television cameras on them that the guys are the ones who move around—probably because some women wear skirts and heels and that could spell disaster). She also wears all black all the time. Robbie says it must be Halloween every day at her house. You know, because of all the black. I thought orange and black was Halloween, but he’s The Look, so I’m not arguing. The mission, they decide, is to send Rebekah on her own Hurry Date.

Credits. The cartoon woman they make over looks quite similar to the international symbol they put on the door to the Ladies’ Room in public places. I never thought she needed a make-over. I’m just sayin’.

The Gal Pals pull up to Rebekah’s house which is a Spanish-style house. From the outside, it’s pretty. Danny laughs that all gays in a Spanish duplex is a movie in the making. Heehee. The Four L’s run out of the SUV and pound on Rebekah’s door. Why are the stylists always running? Rebekah opens the door and they pile in. Rebekah looks like…well, if you look at her face really quickly, she looks a hell of a lot like Kelly Clarkson of American Idol fame. I must say that the straight girls on this show are a lot more put together than the straight men on QEFTSGuy. Rebekelly is wearing a black t-shirt and black lounge-around pants. Yup, all black. Trick or treat.

They all barrel through the house. Robbie lounges over a cabinet and does a combination of calisthenics and choreography from “Cabaret.” Damon announces that he’s overwhelmed by the terra cotta. The living room really isn’t all that bad. The walls are all red, a darker red than what they should be, but the room is bright and the hardwood floors are nice. The kitchen, on the other hand, is a bright yellow and dark blue and has an ironing board where the breakfast nook should be. Damon later wonders why the handles to the cupboards are right smack dab in the middle of the doors. Someone didn’t study levers in high school.

Out of nowhere, a 100 decibel alarm sounds. They all run to find Robbie standing with a guilty look on his face and a bullhorn in his hands. Rebekelly says she uses it to summons firemen to her place. Heehee. I like Rebekah a lot. Danny gains control of the bullhorn and shouts orders at everyone to go to different rooms of the house. Honey finds a joystick to play with while Robbie finds Rebekelly’s handcuffs. Looks like she has some policemen over as well. (I know the politically correct terms are firefighter and police officer, but Rebekah is a straight girl so she would want the male version of those careers coming over. Okay?)

Honey runs down a hallway and finds a bathroom. Ew. The tub is gross. The bathroom looks like, dare I say it, a guy’s bathroom. That’s not good, Rebekah! Honey lifts the toilet seat. Ew again.

Meanwhile, Damon is in the living room making fun of Rebekelly’s make-shift bar area. She says that she dreams of having a bar. So far, it looks like plywood gone wrong. Keep dreaming! Maybe it will come true by the end of the episode.

Danny raids the closet and tries on all different kinds of clothes. Included are a Hawaiian shirt and some flowers. Okay, then. Cut to Robbie riding a bike through the living room. He bumps into furniture. Tilts to one side. Yells out “I’m okay!” but he’s all alone and no one cares. Back to Danny, who is now playing Twenty Questions with Rebekelly. He asks her what her main goal is at the end of the day. She wants to have a home where people can come over and feel comfortable. They can’t do that now with the ugly walls and makeshift bar.

People will not want to come over if Robbie remains outside on the balcony with her bullhorn. He shouts at the neighbors that Rebekelly is a packrat but they shouldn’t be afraid. They will fix her.

Back in the living room, Damon mocks the torch lamp. He grabs it and sings Sinatra style into the top. Now, I’m ashamed. I own three of that same lamp.

Meanwhile, Danny talks to Rebekah about more of her goals. She says that her schedule is very wacky and that has taken a toll on the rest of her life. She falls out of the routine to keep a clean house and to make time to take care of herself the way she should. I hear you, fellow busygal! I know the woes of a schedule that shouldn’t be called a schedule because nothing ever happens the same time on the same day twice.

Then Danny breaks her closet. He hangs on the bar until it caves in and makes all the clothes come tumbling down. Robbie finds this absolutely hilarious.

Honey finds about a zillion plastic gloves in the kitchen along with thirty potholders. Damon calls Rebekelly a germophobe in a germy home. Rebekelly has a lot of plastic food containers and lids scattered all over the place. There’s no organization here.

Back in the bedroom, Danny throws crap out the window. Then he instructs Rebekelly to do the same. All the crap lands in the pool out back. The pool boy is going to have to work double-time to get the chemical levels back to normal.

Back in the living room, Honey handcuffs herself to Damon. He complains about being yet again attached to a lesbian. In the closet, (heehee—I crack myself up) Robbie wonders if Rebekelly is a waitress. Because of all the black shirts. I would love to know where Robbie came up with these preconceived notions about black shirts—Halloween and waitressing? That’s it. Robbie tells Rebekelly that she needs to buy mix and match pieces with lots of color. Then they cuddle on her double pillow top mattress. Robbie puts an end to the cuddling, citing that he would like to keep his job and laying down with a woman leads to getting fired.

Elsewhere in the house, Danny breaks a doorknob.

Back to Robbie in the closet, who has found a long black wig and a long black gown. He calls it “very Versace.” See, now THAT is what I call Halloween-like. He’s a witch.

In the living room, Damon tells Rebekelly that her color scheme is workable but needs adjustment. He plans on working with it.

Omigod! Danny is in tiny black briefs. And he’s swimming in the pool. Ahhh. Only the pool doesn’t seem to have any crap floating in it anymore so either someone cleaned it up or it’s out of sequence. But who cares because Danny is wet and glistening and check out those abs and that rear. Yowza!

Danny gets out of the pool and towels off. In two seconds, he’s dressed and ready to fly out the door with Robbie, Honey, and Rebekelly. However, his crack is still wet. Honey and Damon aren’t surprised. It’s apparently a usual occurrence. How risqué for Bravo.

In the car, the Gal Pals minus one and Rebekelly gab about how it’s time for her to put herself out into the dating world. Cut to home, where the Hunky Helpers show up and lift things. Shameless slo-mo shot of one HH wiping sweat off his forehead using his shirt, which reveals a very sculpted upper torso. Back to the SUV and Banana Republic. Robbie instructs Rebekelly to find colorful outfits. Honey and Robbie sit while Rebekelly changes and gives a fashion show. The first outfit has some dark colors and a bright top. She is loving this. You can tell that Rebekelly loves shopping. Her favorite outfit is white pants (cream, Robbie corrects her) with a creamsicle-orange colored top. Then Robbie goes into the dressing room to do shadow puppets for Honey. Ha.

Rebekelly then hops over to Plantation, a furniture store, to meet Damon. They kiss kiss hello and do some obligatory couch sitting. He also shows her a lamp that gives off a warm glow and makes everyone look fabulous. I need that kind of lamp at work. We have florescent lighting which does me absolutely no favors. I leave the house thinking that I look okay and when I get to work, jeez, even I’m scared of me. Rebekelly loves the lamp and couch. Damon says they’ll get them and Rebekelly needs to leave to get herself a hottie.

Before getting a hottie, Rebekelly has yet another task. Robbie and Danny my love, decked out in army fatigues, shuffle Rebekelly off to Beach Boot Camp. Rebekelly says she’s not sure if she should clap about it or cry. Heehee. Cry, Rebekah. This ain’t gonna be easy. The instructor looks like Ron Palillo of Horshack Welcome Back Kotter fame but not when he was Horshack, but the way he looked when he was on Celebrity Boxing and lost to Dustin Diamond of Screech Saved By the Bell fame. Who, by the way, still looks like Screech because he hasn’t died his hair or gotten a nose job as Ron Palillo did. NonRon shows Danny and Robbie how to do push-ups with bicep free weight movements added into each repetition. Sound confusing? It is and seems painful. Robbie complains that Danny’s are bigger than his. I assume he means weights because Danny says Robbie would rather use pink Barbie weights. Heehee. So NonRon tells Rebekelly, Robbie, Danny, and a bunch of other people to do a push up. They do. Then NonRon tells them to do push-ups for four minutes straight. What? Is he kidding? Who can do push-ups for four minutes straight? I can’t do them for even a minute straight. That’s why I’m not in the military. This is not the proper way to do push-ups. You’re supposed to do sets of push-ups and count. There’s no time factor. NonRon says that push-ups are the best thing you can do for your body, and if you can do push-ups, you can do anything. Like tap dance and rule the world. Rebekelly struggles through the push-ups, which must be hard to do on a soft surface like sand, but Danny seems to pull them off without a problem as does Robbie.

A bit later, they have to run. Rebekelly asks, “What if you can’t make it to the end?” Aw, that’s cute. They tell her in military fashion, “THERE IS NO CAN’T, SOLDIER! YOU WILL MAKE IT!” Well, that’s not exactly what they say but she basically doesn’t have a choice in the matter. The next shot of Rebekelly is her falling behind all the other runners. This is completely unfair because this is her first workout in ages and they’re making her run on sand. Not easy! Not fair! Then we see Rebekelly indeed finishing with Robbie holding one of her arms and NonRon tugging on the other. Her incentive to make it to the end? A shirtless Danny at the finish line! Okay, maybe that’s not her incentive but it would be mine because in my world, Danny would be straight and in love with me. In any case, Danny is half naked again and I’m loving this episode for it.

Post sweaty workout, Rebekelly meets Honey at a jewelry store. Sidenote about Honey’s shirt. It’s fuchsia, which is a great color on her. And the top seems like a wrap or poncho but is attached to the shirt so it’s two-in-one. It’s very cool and I want one in every color. Honey tells Rebekelly that buying crystal is the way to go because it’s pretty but won’t break the bank. Tanya the salesgirl shows them an antique-ish necklace. They like it. Honey points out some trendier necklaces that may be pretty but put Rebekelly on the younger side of twenty. And what’s wrong with that, Honey? I don’t want to grow up!

Honey instructs Rebekelly to have one focal point when it comes to jewelry. Tanya adds that you need to limit your sparkle. Is it wrong, then, to wear body glitter, glitter gloss, a shirt with glitter cotton threads, rhinestone studded pants, Bedazzled boots, and crystal jewelry? Is it?

Rebekah’s mother interviews that Rebekelly has the apartment of a girl on the go.

Rebekah’s co-worker says Rebekelly keeps people out of the apartment for good reason.

Her friend calls the place a pigsty. Say like it is, why dontcha.

Back in the SUV, Rebekelly tells Danny, Robbie, and Honey that her body aches from the workout. When they ask how, she says, “It kind of hurts to breathe.” Heehee. They go back to the “only one relationship” conversation. Rebekelly says she’s not scared to date. They pull up to the Spanish house and run up the steps. Because they’re stylish and, therefore, must run.

Rebekelly’s face breaks into a huge smile. She omigods at the living room. The walls are beige, accented by red and brown curtains, accessories, and a large brown ottoman/coffee table. She says she will definitely spend more time in there.

The dining room is useable. The chairs look like they are made out of those car driver’s seat massage beads, but Rebekelly seems to like them. And now she has a real bar! Wishes really do come true. Live the dream, Rebekah!

The kitchen is now all yellow and the cupboards no longer have handles directly in the middle of the doors. The ironing board is gone, replaced with a tiny table and chairs. A good look but now she can’t iron her grilled cheese sandwiches. What? No one else does that?

Robbie gushes about bags and how they are the number one accessory to make an outfit. He suggests using clear pouches to hold make-up and other stuff, life breath mints, to organize within a bag. The perfect evening bag is usually black—ooh, a waitress on Halloween—and have a digital camera. Cool, she gets a camera! And a humongo box of condoms. To be used at the same time? Who knows?

Back in the bathroom, Robbie breaks out the hot curlers and shows her how to put them in. They will help reduce frizz in her curly hair. I’m with you on that one. Frizz Across the World, Unite! Honey gives Rebekelly a quick make-up lesson. First lip liner. Next lip stick. Finally lip gloss. Robbie partakes in the lip gloss step, applying a clear shimmer to his cute lips.

Move to Danny in the kitchen in a black muscle shirt making canapés. I would love to see that in my kitchen one day. Apparently canapés are the new caviar and pâté. I prefer frozen mini-quiche from Costco for my shindigs.

Everyone munches on the canapés and recaps what Rebekelly needs to do for the night. Honey yells, “Be yourself!” and Rebekelly answers, “Parting is such sweet sorrow!”

Co-worker interviews that Rebekah has yet to meet the perfect man.

Mother interviews, “What dating life?” Nice one, Mom. Kick your daughter when she’s down.

The Gal Pals gather round the critic couch with drinks and watch Rebekelly in action. They gush about how they love her. Rebekelly sets the table and makes crustini. However, she can’t figure out how to turn the oven on. Buy it a drink! **drum riff** The Gal Pals yell at the screen that the knob is on the top. I sympathize with Rebekelly because when I moved into my place, I found an oven with no knobs at all. It has one-touch buttons and I couldn’t figure it out at first, either. She finds the knob. They cheer.

Rebekelly starts getting herself all gussied up. Robbie comments how she’s gorgeous even without make-up. Damon is impressed with how she does her make-up. Robbie then gushes over her “soap opera hair.” Rebekelly puts on the outfit with the cream pants and orange shirt. Damon calls her a “tangerine dream.” She packs a bunch of toiletries and necessities into her evening bag. The condoms from before are lying on the bed. Honey starts to say, “If she puts that whole box into her bag…” and then Rebekelly picks up the box, shrugs, and does just that. She throws the whole box of condoms in the bag, but she’s laughing when she does it so she knows that she’s being cute and funny and she is great! The Gal Pals cheer again.

Her friends arrive and Danny comments that this was one of her goals, to have people over. Rebekelly gives them a tour and they can’t get over the place. They’re happy they can see the floor. Damon gets upset over just how shocked the friends are. He wonders if they thought he was going to hang up a dishrag and some paper plates and call it a day. Hee. They like the Asian theme, which Damon calls Gaysion.

In the kitchen, Rebekelly takes a huge knife to the champagne bottle. Yikes! Thankfully, she gets it open with no injury. Danny complains that she’s serving champagne in the wrong glasses. Hey, you work with what you got. Not everyone has champagne flutes. Rebekelly makes a toast to her friends. They joke that it’s her first time cooking as they eat the canapés. At the table, she shows off her boots (my mother would so yell at me for putting feet near food). Robbie says the boots are hot on her.

Rebekelly leaves her friends behind and makes her way to The Highlands for Hurry Date, and the host is her friend (because Rebekelly hosts too, remember), and the host-friend is paying Rebekelly back because Rebekelly hosted HD while her friend did the dating a few weeks ago. The friend is a petite blonde who gets louder by the second. She seats Rebekelly on a loungey little loveseat. The loveseat does not offer a very flattering position to sit in but Rebekelly is too excited to notice. She also has a large glass of something in her hand. Atta, girl. The host-friend explains the Official Hurry Date Score Card. As she does so, the Gal Pals are in hysterics because the woman is shouting. The Gal Pals joke that she’s running HD for six different countries and that’s why she has to be so loud. When she finishes her spiel on the Official Hurry Date Score Card, cute Robbie yells back, “OKAY!”

The first guy comes over, the host screeches out “HURRY DATE!” and the dating begins. The first date needs to learn a little something about personal space. I mean, he plops down practically in Rebekelly’s lap. The Gal Pals notice this and yell at the screen for the guy to back away. Rebekelly is probably feeling awkward and doesn’t know how to politely back away without seeming repulsed. I would be repulsed if I saw this guy coming at me from ten feet away. The Interloper of Personal Space says he’s a filmmaker which Honey calls the “oldest line in Hollywood.” Well, yeah, because that’s where they make films. Rebekelly doesn’t seem very comfortable yet. She asks what kind of films he makes. Damon answers from the critic couch that he makes porn. Heehee. Robbie says to the screen, “Blow the whistle!” I don’t know how she sits there for three minutes straight. And how do we know it’s three minutes? Because the host rings a bell and screeches even more loudly than before, “HURRY DATE!!!!”

While the guys rotate and hurry, Rebekelly makes notes on the Official Hurry Date Scorecard. Danny and Robbie chant, “No. No. No,” for Rebekelly’s answer.

Date two comes over and apparently has cold hands. “Warm heart” Robbie says. My cousin used to say that a lot. What the hell does that mean? Cold hands? Wear some gloves. This guy doesn’t look too bad but Rebekelly must be uncomfortable because she closes up her jacket so he can’t see any of the goods.

Then, suddenly, a whistle. “ROTATE AND HURRY DATE!!!” Robbie shouts back, “It’s called Hurry Date, so HURRY!” He shakes his head and hands, and rolls his eyes to the back of his head. A pretty good impression of host-friend.

Date three has Jack and water. Robbie comments that the alcohol makes it unfair because the more time that goes by, the more judgment is impaired. Keep this in mind. Rebekelly and Date Three, who is very cute in a button down shirt, talk about how their names are spelled uniquely. She seems more at ease now. She’s getting into it. Robbie notes how Rebekelly is relaxed. He guesses she might be on the floor soon because she gets lower and lower into the loveseat. Keep this in mind too.
More dates. More ROTATE HURRY DATE ACROSS SIX COUNTRIES. There’s a hot guy in a suit and tie, but the Gal Pals don’t seem to like him. Damon (I think) jokes, “yeah, hi, I collect crickets.”

And now, host-friend brings over this so-called special guy named Adam. I think she means special in a good way, but I think Adam may be special in the way that old ladies warn their grandchildren not to laugh at particular people because those people aren’t different but “special.” (Or, she says that this is a special date. Either way, we will now refer to him as Special Adam). Special Adam claims to be in the music field. Rebekelly responds, “That’s kinda hot.” Unfortunately, Rebekelly seems really, really into Special Adam. Her coat is open; she leans in towards him. She is now sunk very low into the loveseat so that only her upper chest and head are straight up and down. The rest of her is sprawled to the floor. Special Adam sinks down into the cushy seat, too. Danny calls him, “familiar,” which makes me think Danny is British again because that’s a British term for too damn close.

I’m thinking that Rebekelly has consumed a bit more liquor than she should have. I mean, I’m probably being completely superficial, but at first glance I would think that Rebekelly could do a lot better. And yes, editing is involved here so I’m only assuming that Special Adam’s conversation seems boring if not non-existent. The more I dislike Special Adam, the more Rebekelly slides into him. She calls him cuddly and hugs his arm. She wants an “intimate three minutes.” Danny says, “She’s lit.” I’m hoping that he’s using that in the way I use it, to mean beyond intoxicated. Remember how Robbie said the alcohol gives a skewed view of the dating world? Well, here it is. The Gal Pals cheer her on. Why are they condoning this? So many other guys seemed better than him.

Rebekelly then asks Special Adam if he wants to cheat. She holds up her Official Hurry Date Score Card and smirks, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Special Adam chuckles, and Rebekelly doesn’t wait for him to answer. She grabs his card and peers over his arm at it. She says, “Let me help you out here,” and scribbles something on the corner of the card. Honey commentates, “She just gave him her number! Yes!” Oh, Honey, let’s hope not. Is anyone else seeing the wrongness in this pairing? Rebekelly then mock-pleads with Special Adam not to tell her host-friend that she cheated. Special Adam agrees. Then the whistle blows!

Robbie admonishes the screen, “Why are you yelling at her?!” Honey sinks into the critic couch holding her head and laughs, “My ears are bleeding.” Heehee. Robbie asks, “Does she realize she’s in the room and not a hologram?” They are Hil. Air. E. Us.

Host-friend approaches Rebekelly when all the dates are over and says her number one match is waiting outside with a glass of champagne under the stars. Oh, God, NO! I know where this is going. Honey asks the Gal Pals who they want it to be. Does it matter? We all know who it is. It’s Special Adam. They comment how she’s really into him and was from the start. That’s because the big glass of whatever she was drinking was finished by the time Special Adam rolled around. The Gal Pals are happy she is confident. Rebekelly kisses her number one match. The Gal Pals cheer her on. They think this could be the start of something.

This week’s tips:

Robbie says the fashion trend is contrast.

Danny says you should weight train twice a week.

Damon says that you can get wax off your sofa with ice and a credit card. (You can do a lot more than that with wax, ice, and good credit, believe you me.)

Honey says to put on all your cosmetics before putting on the jewelry.

That’s it for this week, with one more woman going from single to dating in a hurried, alcoholic haze.

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
Did I miss anything? Email me: christina@realityshack.com

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