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Season Two — Premiere: Horror in the Hamptons

The second season starts with home movies of the three Gotti boys as babies. Gosh, they were so cute before the hair gel.

Enough reminiscing because the boys, who are now teens, want to go away for the weekend and enjoy the Hamptons. They try to tell Victoria that it’s not to do anything ‘funny’. Victoria’s like, “I know what goes on at the Hamptons.” Heck, I know that the Hamptons is a resort/beach area a lot like Cape Cod (in Massachusetts where I grew up) and well, they can have lots of fun and it ain’t good, especially if you’re a mama.

Damn! I’m old. I am on Victoria’s side and don’t want them to go. Maybe, I’m just a b&@*h who doesn’t want to see anyone else have fun, especially if I can’t.

The funny thing is that Quack Quack wants to chaperone the boys. He’s 34, but acts more juvenile than the boys. John says to his mom that they’ll be okay with Quack Quack. He’s a “responsible adult.” Neither one of them can really believe that, can they?

Victoria tells John that she’ll see how they behave during the next week and then, she’ll let them know if they can go. Then, we see a segment of the boys doing chores and behaving like “Stepford Children” as Victoria calls them, throughout the week. They wash the car; they don’t talk back and they are just perfect angels.

Of course they can go.

Wait! Did I mention the sub-plot of this 2-part involves Luigi, the not-so handyman. Victoria has a geese problem on the grounds. They are using it for their bathroom. Victoria tells Luigi to clean up the poop and he tries to get one of his underlings to do it. He won’t.

Luigi proceeds to chase after the goose for like oh 10 seconds and then sits down, saying it’s too hard. The goose was too fast for him.

Back to the boys. They can go to the Hamptons for one night. They tell Victoria that Quack Quack wants to take them for 2 nights. Victoria tells the boys, then calls Brian and tells them that they can leave the next morning, but not before. He says he’ll be by around 10 am.

Well, the boys had other ideas. While Victoria’s still asleep, they head out around oh, 6 am. When Victoria awakens, she notices that Carmine, Frankie and their buds have already left. She talks to Frank on the phone and he tries to tell her that he didn’t realize they were going. He was asleep.

She scoffs because he’d have had to be awake to get in the car, right!

John comes downstairs and learns that his brothers have already left. He’s not too happy. Victoria calls Quack Quack and tells him to get over there ASAP. John and Quack Quack leave in separate cars. Victoria wonders why they do this. So do I frankly.

Meanwhile, Luigi is smoking in the house. Victoria smacks him with some pillows. He still hasn’t cleaned up the bird mess. Big shocker there, right?

Victoria’s worried because the boys are alone in the Hamptons without adult supervision. She tells Brian and John to get there as quickly as possible. No stops. Nothing. So, what do they do. They stop for lunch at a restaurant where they proceed to try and pick up some girls. Victoria told them no girls at the house, but it looks like Quack Quack, the ‘responsible adult’ is going to ignore her dictum (it means order, y’all! What were you thinking?)

Quack Quack has already called Carmine at the Gotti house in the Hamptons and told him they were going to party. And – the girl that he tried to pick up at the restaurant was only 17. He’s 34. Some responsible adult!

After they ate, John and his friend took off in his car. Quack Quack got lost. It took him like 3 hours to find the place. Victoria was frantic that her kids were alone and livid that Quack Quack was stupid enough to get lost. (She shouldn’t be that surprised!)

He finally makes it to the house. The boys want to play football with him because they need a patsy (or a punching bag.) Quack Quack would rather go in the pool. In the end, they get to play touch football with him and it’s obvious that he’s their target.

Cut back to Luigi. He’s still trying to chase geese and ducks. He notices that one is hurt. He keeps saying that “everytime I chase the geese, they come back.”

Victoria and her friend, Susan, go to a spa so Victoria can relax. It’s tough. She’s worried about the boys. Meanwhile, back in the Hamptons, the Gotti boys and their friends are having lots of fun. They throw a friend in the pool. They argue with each other. John calls Frankie “Pepperoni Tits”. It’s a blast.

The two of them get into a fist fight. John calls Victoria to tell her what happened. She’s pissed off. She says that when John gets upset like that, he does stupid things. Then, they go and end the first part of the 2-part episode.

John rode off on a pocket motor bike. He falls off as he’s trying to pop a wheelie over a pothole. He scrapes up his back, his arm and his shoulders pretty well. No one tells Victoria about it, but he’s banged up.

Victoria says that this trip is her worst nightmare. She’s worried that Quack Quack needs more supervision than the boys and they’ll get into some serious trouble. Of course, she has more Luigi problems back at the house on Long Island. It seems that her wrought-iron cabana fell into the pool.

Victoria tells Jen to make sure that Luigi gets it out of her pool. Now if that ain’t the blind leading the blind I don’t know what is! Luigi’s like, “now?” Jen’s like, “yes now.” Sooooooooo he says, “you got-ta da rope.” She gives him rope and he tries to pull it out by himself.

Jen’s like, “Luigi you so strong”. I was getting ill. He broke his guido bracelet (yes, I can say that. My mother was born in Italy and it was a ‘guido’ bracelet. Mamma mia!) He wants Victoria to pay for it.

Back in the Hamptons, Frankie cooks dinner for everyone. He knows his way around a stove, although the guys razz him for setting off the smoke alarms.

Luigi is hovering at Victoria’s house. She says to him, “You’re here for something. Is it money?” Wow! She’s gotta be psychic or something. Luigi tells her that he broke his bracelet. Victoria says she isn’t going to pay for it. He then takes a picture frame she was fiddling with and breaks it. The maturity is astounding.

The boys are getting ready to go out to the Star Room. They pinned a sign to Quack Quack’s back that said, “I love single gay men.” My husband thought that was funny. At da club, they let the boyz in but not Quack Quack.

Victoria’s back on Long Island. It’s 1:30 am. She can’t sleep. She tries calling the guys but no one’s picking up their cell phones, not even Quack Quack, who, by now, is getting his party on with a lady.

Victoria’s friend, Susan, tells her that they could go to the Hamptons and the Star Room if she wants and is that worried. Victoria is mulling it over. Eventually, she gets a hold of Quack Quack, who has the drunk lady with him. He tells her to be quiet because he doesn’t want Victoria to know he’s got a girl with him. The drunk girl doesn’t listen and wants to know who Quack Quack’s talking to.

Victoria wants to know who that girl is. Quack Quack says it’s a friend of his and he’ll bring her back home soon. Yeah! Not before he takes her to his room for a massage, as he put it.

The next morning, the boys awake to discover that Quack Quack is gone. They leave. Victoria calls Quack Quack and summons him to her house. She’s so angry she’s threatening to kill him. She thinks that maybe Quack Quack is a ‘mole’ that her ex-husband placed into her life to give her aggravation. (Hmmm! She may NOT be far off.)

The boys arrive home. Victoria notices that John is hurt. Now, she really wants blood. John tells her that Quack Quack is not a responsible adult and he shouldn’t be their chaperone. Duh! That’s an understatement. Carmine told her that Quack Quack had an overnight visitor as well.

As the show ends, Quack Quack is at Victoria’s house and she’s yelling at him.

Next week – Mamma Victoria’s birthday party, complete with Luigi jumping out of a cake. Oh God!

=== Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos. Email me at panndyra@realityshack.com with your answer to the following question: WOULD YOU LET QUACK QUACK WATCH YOUR KIDS?

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