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Eva the Diva Brings It On Home, Y’all

by Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos

{Author Note: I live in Texas, y’all and well the show was preempted due to a college basketball game. I love basketball but had set my DVR and didn’t count on them going overtime. So, I saw the final minutes before I saw the beginning. UGH!!!! I hate to backtrack.}

BTW – VH-1 is airing the entire season of ANTM 3 as a marathon on Saturday! Catch it if you can.

It’s the final three – Amanda, Eva and Yaya. At the end of the last episode, they were all told by Tyra that the judges don’t feel confident in any of them as America’s Next Top Model. Harsh words, but the girls realize that they need to ‘bring it.’ It’s on, y’all.

Amanda has to work on her presence in person. On camera, she’s flawless. In person, she’s all hippie-dippie. Eva needs to work on toning down the spunk and serving up some elegance. Yaya is regal and refined, but maybe too much so, sometimes bordering on arrogance.

Yaya — arrogant? Color me shocked. Nah. She’s just educated at an Ivy League University. She spit out a Japanese pickled plum and wore a respeito t-shirt when she called out the immaturity surrounding her.

Not Yaya. Never.

Amanda mentions how Ann hugged her and Yaya before she left, but not Eva. She said that Eva treated Ann like “poo.” Hmmm? That’s some seriously creative editing because I’ve seen Ann treat Eva pretty poorly too. Yaya says that even if she and Amanda could do something to make Eva feel more included, they “probably wouldn’t.” And Eva’s the only b&*ch in the house? As a b%&*h myself, I feel qualified to sniff b*#tchitude out in others… yes, like a dog.

(Hmmm… Maybe the significance is just funny to me because I know what you call a female dog. I was educated you know… I’m being naughty and I don’t care if Santa gives me coal this year. At least, I’ll be able to heat my house.)

Finally, we get to Tyra mail. It talks about how actresses have usurped covers of magazines – the crowning glory of the supermodels. She says it’s time to reclaim the models’ right to a magazine cover? (I guess Tyra ain’t trying out for Coyote Ugly 2 then. I mean models never try and get all up in the grill of actresses. Rachel Hunter. Rebecca Romijn. Gisele Bundchen. There’s no precedent for model-turned-actress is there?)

Anyway, I’m digressing again. It’s a disease. I have wandering tangentitis. I sure hope Amanda talks about being blind again so I can get some help for my disability. Won’t you help? ‘Tis the season. {Meoooooooooooowww! Who spiked my egg nog?}

The girls get to the photo shoot. Jay Manuel tells them that they’re shooting an ad for Cover Girl. Ahhh! The Tyra mail was a play on words. I get it now. The winner of the competition’s photo will be used in her first campaign for Cover Girl as part of her faboo prize package.

I won’t recite it because Tyra always does and I never really listen when she speaks. I’m always checking out her cleavage (and I don’t even go that way) or Janice Dickinson’s collagen clod-hoppers that some people call lips. They look more like hooves on her face.

Each of the ladies bring their A-game. Amanda was up first and she was just eating up all the praise. She was like ‘I used my inner joy and love for bunny rabbits and Paris to serve up smiles piping hot,’ or something nonsensical like that.

Eva was next. Amanda was watching her and said that Eva smiled nicely but she just didn’t seem to have the “inner smile”. I don’t even want to contemplate the smile from within. I think it may be naughty. If it’s not, it should be. Jay, however, sees a softer side of Eva. She’s let her guard down since the beginning of the competition and he’s very impressed with her internal transformation. (Wait? Isn’t that the catch-phrase of the Swan, which I also re-cap. This week’s is right here. It’s a good review. You should read it. ——— End shameless plug sequence #1).

Finally, there was Miss Yaya. She said that she was trying to use her education to keep her positive. That’s nice. I use my education to write scathing, nasty reviews. Which of us is wasting hers more? I’m not sure right now, but don’t send me an email and tell me it’s me. I don’t want have to prove my mother-in-law right, okay?

* Note – Eva was the Cover Girl of the Week again, y’all. She’s been it since I think Toccara’s departure. Toccara, baby, I miss you. Call me. See we knew what the judges didn’t until the end of this episode. The girl has ‘it’. *

Since there’s no rest for a top model, after the shoot, the finalists made their way to a go-see with Mr. Jay and Ms. Jay. They met with Noriko Fukushima, a prominent Tokyo fashion designer (high fashion that is!). They try on some of her best stuff and look fierce doing it. Yaya complains about her ‘hoochie’, see-through skirt and Amanda hates the modern Japanese wedding dress. However, she plays it off to the designer like she doesn’t.

Cut to the panel. The girls show off their shots with Janice, Tyra, Nole, Nigel, guest judge Noriko and her translator. The panel “oohs” and “aahs” over the photos. I haven’t seen so many fake noises like that since well… you can finish the thought. I have to maintain some decorum.

Words like ‘scrumptious’ and ‘honey’ were used to describe the girls’ pics. Now I’m hungry. Darn it all.

Tyra did chide Amanda for wearing her glasses and reminded her that no designer would let her walk down the runway in them. I never noticed that. Models don’t wear glasses, unless they’re sunglasses and that was only in the 80s so they wouldn’t have to see the ugly-a$$ shoulder pads or suffer blindness from all of the fluorescent colors.

(Uh-oh! I said blindness. Not again. Now I’m becoming what I fear most – Amanda.)

Yaya was the first one into the final two. She was thrilled. Eva and Amanda were told by Miss T that each complements the other. Eva has what Amanda needs – presence – and Amanda has what Eva needs – high fashion knowledge. A ‘top model’ needs both. She also needs to be ‘accessible’. Personally, I don’t know where Tyra gets that idea. Models aren’t accessible really – unless you’re a rock star or movie star.

(Just kidding. Please, oh please, don’t contact me if you are one of these types. Please. Really. I just couldn’t deal with it, unless you were sending me an autograph, cash and/or merchandise.)

In the end, Amanda was sent packing. She was very upset and said that she just wanted everyone to see that people with disabilities can do stuff real good and that her blindness doesn’t stop her from feeling joy and finding joy in everything. It was a very “Zoolander” moment.

She said all of this while crying. Hmmm. Joyful tears? Not sure. It was very inspirational. Can I have a tissue?

Now, this part, to me, was very interesting. I was expecting a Yaya vs. Eva Godzilla/Tokyo style war. Instead what I got was Yaya and Eva mending fences. Yes. They actually began to relate to each other. This is amazing. I think if we put world leaders in a Japanese homestay and vote them off one by one (or execute them – I am a Texan after all), then we could have World Peace, or a worldwide dictatorship in the end. Either way, it may work. We could try the Middle East first.

(I smell a spoof coming on! — End shameless plug sequence #2)

Eva quips that it’s down to the “tomboy” and the “afro-centric” one. Yaya actually laughs. I think the arrogance may be a defense mechanism. Duh. Did we really believe Yaya was that evil? Did you really think I did?

Anyway, the ladies realize that they’re both not so bad once they started to actually talk and listen to each other.

They have their final one-on-one with Tyra. Eva goes first. Tyra asks her if she has any questions and Eva says, “What do you see in me?” Tyra tells her that she sees a young woman who has had a lot of troubles in her life who’s trying hard to be a good person. She may not be perfect, but she’s trying and that’s wonderful.

Eva cries and says she has always looked up to so many different people and hopes that she can be someone that others look up to. (Eva, I look up to you. I’m 5 ft tall. I hear you groaning as you read this. Yes, I do. Stop it.)

Now, it’s Yaya’s turn and they talk about Yaya’s afro-centricity. Tyra tells her that being a black woman and a model don’t have to be mutually exclusive. You can be accessible and sort of cross cultural boundaries and represent an image that others can relate to without giving up your heritage, identity or selfhood. (Wow! That was deep. I winged most of that paragraph.)

Now, they have to go to the Noriko fashion show. It’s their final challenge. Eva loves the catwalk because she can use her diva-ness to her advantage, or so she thinks. When Mr. Jay and Ms. Jay show them that they have to work in a box-shaped catwalk and are then told that they have to walk slow and somber… {oh lordy, I thought the girls were going to lose it.}

The show went off really well except at one point, Eva and Yaya almost collided. I wonder if they have model collision coverage?

When Models Collide (sounds like a FOX – TV special, don’t it?)

As soon as the show was over, the ladies got another shock – they had to go straight to panel. Competition is almost done, y’all (and so is this long-a$$ review). There is no guest judge. They roll footage of the girls on the runway. Yaya is critiqued first.

Yaya was told that she looked too “glacial” and “zombie-like”. Tyra told Eva that she looked like an “egret” – a large, long-legged and long-necked bird. Still not seeing it. Eva’s short. Nigel thought she had the right combo of “sass and zen”.

The panel gives us no indication of who the winner will be. I’m crossing my fingers for Eva. Hoping. Tyra tells the girls how proud she is of them both. They are “true models”. Eva is announced winner and says, “Watch out world – here comes Eva!”

We’re watching.

———- Check out my sassy and sometimes classy reviews of seasonal swag at the Reality Shack Holiday Gift Guide. There’s only 9 shopping days ‘til Xmas. (End shameless plug sequence #3!)

************As always, email comments, complaints and concerns to my evil twin at panndyra@realityshack.com. She’s happy to tell you what we think.********************************************

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