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You Know What They Say About Paybacks – My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Episode 5

by LauraBelle

As we have watched contestants be dismissed from My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance all these past weeks, we have seen them disillusioned with N. Paul Todd, and many share a similar disillusionment with Big Business as a whole. It leaves us to wonder what the ending of this show will hold for us. Will there be a big reunion where we see everyone voted off reunited to be let in on the hoax? Or will we never get that pleasure?

The morning after Tanya has been dismissed, Kerry is elated to have come so close, yet survived the chopping block once again. With a note saying that routine and empathy are kissing cousins, the contestants vying for a job with the fictional corporation of Iocorp are invited by their fictional boss, N. Paul Todd, to a corporate retreat. Though traditionally most corporate retreats are designed to build bonding between employees, this will be decidedly different. As is the Iocorp way.

Arriving at the estate, everyone is invited to a big dinner with Todd. The first exercise is called by actor William August a doubled-edged sword. His alter ego, N. Paul Todd, invites everyone to speak their honest, open feelings with him in an open forum with the promise of no repercussions. David speaks first, saying one of his concerns has been there has been too large of a focus on power and money. Todd shoots back, “So I’m a greed-driven whore?” David backpedals slightly, saying that was his first impression. Todd replies simply that he appreciates the thought. I could spend the next five paragraphs repeating the things I would love to say to the bosses I have had given the chance. I think I will save everyone the grief, though.

Robert pipes up next, going back to the golf outing a few days earlier when Todd had been a no-show and kept the men waiting while dining the ladies. Robert says he was pissed off, and that he referred to Todd that night as F. Paul Todd. Todd simply says, “Thank you.” Annette speaks next, saying she thought Todd was arrogant at first. He replies, “Thank you.”

Damian asks what the angle is, pointing out most companies of Iocorp’s standing want to stay out of the public eye, but they seem to be doing this show for PR. He doesn’t understand since it doesn’t seem to be a money issue. Todd says, “Thank you; I appreciate it.” Actor William August tells us the longer it went on, the more comfortable they seemed airing their grievances.

Michael wants to go back to the golf outing once again.. He feels it was disrespectful, and if it was a true business meeting, says he would have pulled all offers off the table. Todd, again, just says, “Thank you; I appreciate it.” With a promise of “Paybacks are a bitch,” actor Williams August lets us know that tomorrow the tables will be turned. He plans to hit them with everything he has.

The next morning a chef is onsite preparing a cookout of steak and eggs for the men to share with N. Paul Todd and his assistant David. As the men are shooting some innocent company banter back and forth, Todd wants to only talk about the women. He says he feels like a wolf in the henhouse, and doesn’t know how the men can bare to live in the same house with them. He asks if Whitney’s greats are enhanced, and David feels it’s being disrespectful.

The actor playing assistant David, doesn’t want to talk about women, so switches the conversation to his favorite topic, Damian. He questions Damian on his workout routine, noting he seems to be zero percent body fat. Noting to the camera later, that he didn’t appreciate that interruption, Michael says, “Hey, we were talking about girls’ boobs here!” Assistant David then brings up wanting to see the play Mama Mia, making Michael wonder if the wedding ring is a facade.

Remember, these past five paragraphs could have been all my grievances of my own bosses. Think about it, you could fill up the same space.

After breakfast, all the men enter into a pickup game of basketball. William August says he was hustling. What they don’t know is that in his real life, when he was younger he actually played semi-pro ball in Europe. After thoroughly embarrassing himself on the court Todd puts a $1000 bet on the table to the winner of a one-on-one against him. David accepts the bet. Robert says he’ll split it with David. Thinking it will be a breeze, David cites the twenty-seven year age difference between him and N. Paul Todd. Todd starts trash-talking, calling David a girlie-man, beating him soundly, and asking if he needs some “Eco-pons” – the fictional economically-safe tampons they were trying to sell in their last challenge.

All cleaned up after the basketball game, all the men and women are asked to dress in full business attire. Surviving the last ouster, Kerry is the new team leader of Concad. Whitney names the new leader of Femron as Annette. With the other fictional assistant to N. Paul Todd, Jamie, now in tow, the teams will enter into a paint ball challenge. The teams will need to step in front and “protect” their leader, shielding themselves with briefcases, as they are led through the course of running through an open field, into a limo, to a desk to sign papers, to a filing cabinet, and finally across the challenge line. This is supposed to be showing that a successful boss needs to be surrounded by a good team. Shooting the paint balls will be N. Paul Todd, dressed in fatigues. Annette guesses correctly that after he allowed them to take shots at him at dinner, he will now return the favor.

Femron is up for the course first, and Annette points out how funny it was to see briefcases sneaking by above the top of the limo. Once at the desk, Annette needs to sign papers while her team shielding her. William August informs us the funniest moment to him was watching Michael nearly dancing as Todd continued to fire at him, and Michael was trying to deflect every shot. William just might be correct. Michael notes he was a goaltender in college, and he is now putting those skills to good use. Horror of all horrors, Annette is faced with a paper jam in the copier on the makeshift desk. Whitney gets hit in the butt with a paintball. Like Todd didn’t plan that. Although if it was truly planned, he would have aimed for her boobs, trying to check the bounce-off, to see just how enhanced they were. Just as they finish at the desk, Annette is hit, so they need to follow the rules and complete the last part of the course again.

Concad is up next, needing to shield leader Kerry, who is much taller than Annette. Damian feels he got five hundred bullets in the ass, and wonders if Todd had been aiming there. No, that was aimed at Whitney. Only his assistant David would be trying to hit you there. The men are getting hit repeatedly in their privates. Robert gets so ticked, he whips the Rolodex at Todd. Damian notes the humor that David doesn’t swear, and was struggling as he was hit repeatedly, and just kept saying, “Darn it.” Nearly at the end, Kerry is hit, and they need to go back to the filing cabinet.

The two teams end in a tie, and one player of each team will shoot at a briefcase. Concad chooses Michael, who hits it five times. Robert, spending time previously as a Marine (having Marines in my family, I am told there is no such thing as an ex-Marine), shoots for Femron, and only hits the briefcase three times. Femron will be headed to the boardroom for a dismissal.

In the boardroom, the first thing N. Paul Todd does is collect on his basketball bet. He notes that during the paintball challenge, although he saw loyalty, trust and friendship, they are only temporary assets. He says ask he is flanked by David and Jamie, and even though they would take a bullet for him, they would also shoot him in the head to get ahead. He says he trusts them so much he distrusts them. Everyone looks completely bewildered.

Kerry names David and Robert, Todd’s two basketball betters, as her nominations to leave tonight. With everyone else dismissed, N. Paul Todd tells David and Robert all his questions need to be answered by a five word sentence. Asked for a mission statement, David says, “To impact people’s lives.” David apparently can’t count. Todd asks who cares, as he doesn’t like this answer or his answer why. Robert’s personal mission statement is, “To have fun in life.” Asked why he wants a job at Iocorp, he says, “To make lots of money.” David the assistant says, “Bingo.” David the contestant, asked the same thing says, “I now respect my boss.” Todd asks who cares, and then continues to dismiss David’s caring attitude and embrace Robert’s aggressiveness of power. After the nominated two are dismissed to the reception area, Todd says to Jamie and David, his assistants, “Time to meet the boss.” counting his five words on his fingers.

Back with his decision, Todd and assistant David keep the five-word game going. As Robert and contestant David join him, again he points out how he took his criticisms well on the retreat, and wants them to answer his thoughts now with the same, “Thank you; I appreciate that.” He brings up their looks, basketball skills, personalities, etc., and they say the same answer. He tells David he is a nice guy, and nice guys finish last. He tells Robert he is a loose cannon, and big mouths blow deals. He then follows with, “It’s been fun, Bob. Get the hell out of my office.” Robert retorts, “If you’re ever in Manhattan, look me up. It’s been real.” Todd turns to David with good new and bad news, and says he’s the new leader of his team, but with only three people left on the team, no one will have immunity.

Leaving the building, Robert says if he ever has a paintball gun in his hand again, Mr. Todd shouldn’t be coming near him. I bet he could write five paragraphs to tell N. Paul Todd. I’m also hoping if there is a reunion show revealing the show’s real premise, that Robert brings the paint gun.

I welcome questions and comments at LauraBelle@realityshack.com

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