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A Very Gotti Christmas

Christmas is a special time. Victoria says that last year it was pretty terrible. This year she wants it to be different.

*No yelling.
**No fighting.
***And — everyone better like the gifts they get from me.

Oh, Victoria, you so silly. Which family are you talking ’bout? If it’s yours, you are in for some serious disappointment, mama.

I understand that hope springs eternal and this is the season for wishes and dreams. However, I can say this from experience — you’d be better off wishing for a pig to fly than a less-than-dysfunctional family Christmas.

Especially when you have Luigi take the boys Christmas tree shopping. I can feel the agitta building right now. Sweetie, Victoria. I love you and respect you, but…you need to hire some decent help!


You tell Luigi you want a full and fat tree. I understand what that meant.
Before I get into this whole tree situation, I did find it funny that Luigi had such trouble getting the boys into the truck. They really do have a hard time with readiness.

John yells at Luigi. He tells him, “Mr. Elf, go back to the workshop and make some toys.”

Victoria then yells at Luigi for yelling at the boys to get out of bed. Ay me! I feel like I’m back visiting my family in Boston. Anyhoo, Victoria gets the boys out and about by telling them “no tree, no presents.”

As a mother of a 2 year old and a 7 year old, it was refreshing to see that those sorts of threats work well into the teen years.

So, John’s driving and Luigi is backseat driving. They get to the Christmas Tree Farm. Luigi spots this massive 13 ft. tree. It was fat and fluffy and looked like it belonged in Santa’s backyard. Madonna Mia (and I don’t mean the pop star, okay!)

The boys try to tell Luigi that the house will only accomodate a 9 ft tree, but he says he’ll just hack some off the bottom. This is the tree. They argue back and forth. Luigi calls Victoria to ask her if it’s okay for him to choose the tree or should he let the boys. She tells him, “Do what you want?”

Victoria…honey. Dearie. Those words are words to regret. The last time I told my husband to “do what he wanted”, the man fed the kids jellybeans and candy canes for dinner. (I had a PTA meeting to attend.)

You’re killin’ me, here.

Meanwhile, Vicky and her friend Robert who by the way belongs on BRAVO Television – he’s Harvey Firestein, Nathan Lane and the 6th Queer Eye Guy all rolled up into one (yes, people I believe he’s gay and NO I don’t have an issue with that…anymore — oh wheee…I know the letters and comments are coming now!) – head out to do some Christmas shopping.

Victoria says that nothing puts her in the Christmas spirit like giving to others. They shop for children at a local hospital. Then, they deliver their presents to the kiddos. Victoria says she knows what it’s like to have a child sick in the hospital. I wonder which child, but she doesn’t mention that.

The boys are still arguing with Luigi. Finally, they attach the 13 ft tree
to the top of the truck. I’m not sure how they made it home ‘cuz the thing was lop-sided and blocking the driver’s view seriously.

Victoria and Robert then go to Central Park for some ice skating. Vicky hasn’t been since she was a kid. She says, “ice skating – it’s not like riding a bike.” Her coach, Katie, takes her around a few times. Victoria decides she’d rather have a hot dog than continue the trip down Nostalgia Lane.

Finally, the tree makes it home and Luigi has to cut off about 4 feet so it’ll fit in the living room. He puts it in the tree stand and it looks lop-sided to me, but hey…maybe it’s the Leaning Tree of Pisa
🙄 (My mother may disown me for that comment — if I’m lucky.)

Victoria and Robert get back to Casa Gotti. She hates the tree and asks Luigi what forest he took it from? She also wants to know how much it cost. $350.00

I’ll repeat that…


Victoria asks him….”What’s wrong with you?” I’ve been wondering that question since the first time I saw the man.

He says, “It’s a gift, ha.” Victoria tells him that trees only cost about $45.00. And why did he get such a big one?

She hates the tree.

Cut to Victoria saying, “Hey Santa, all I want for Christmas is a little cooperation.” Wouldn’t we all? And maybe a Paris Hilton necklace or a Survivor DVD — check out the Reality Shack Holiday Gift Guide for more information! If all else fails, I accept gift cards too. Really! (How you like that for a segway, ha?)

Victoria says she hates stress. As she finishes that sentence, we find out that the network wants them to do a promo for this Christmas special. (Funny! I can’t recall ever seeing the promo. However, a copy was auctioned off at ebay recently!)

They want the boys to sing a ‘parody’ of “Jingle Bells” — with Gotti-inspired lyrics. 😆

Have they been watching the show?
If so, what makes them think the boys will do this?

The boys keep the network people waiting. In such ‘uncharacteristic’ fashion, right?

Victoria says my boys are “true divas”. She calls them down. They say they ain’t singing. Carmine wants to leave. The network gives them some presents and they decide to try and sing the words.

The “presents” are — scary looking Christmas sweaters and a vest. I mean Bill Cosby wouldn’t wear these sweaters. (Remember the sweaters he used to wear on the “Cosby Show” or am I now letting you know that I am old!)

The boys and Victoria are none too happy with these. A friend of the boys comes to help them finish up the shoot. After about 24 takes, Victoria’s had it.

When the network people leave, they settle down for a cup of egg-nog. Victoria swears she can taste alcohol in it. It’s a carton from a supermarket…oh well! Amaretto flavoring doesn’t necessarily mean alcohol especially if the carton says “non-alcoholic”; however, it’s been a long day for the Gottis.

And Xmas is 11 days away!

—Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos. If you’d like to yell at me about my insensitivity…sure, I encourage it. Email me at panndyra@realityshack.com. I can’t promise I’ll answer you…and if I do…I may just have to insult you back.

I am an equal opportunity jerk.

Don’t forget to check out the Reality Shack Holiday Gift Guide at http://www.realityshack.com/giftguide


Freelance writer, webmaster of realityshack.com, chief editor at applemagazine.com, contribtor to TechLife News and maketecheasier.com, martial arts instructor, and mother of two.