home Cooking Top Chef: Texas – Reunion – The Ballad of Beverly the Bullied

Top Chef: Texas – Reunion – The Ballad of Beverly the Bullied

Quickfire Hits
• We start with Qui-Gon’s montage, as the champion he gets the first series of video clips. I hope you enjoyed it – because we don’t get anything else from the champion. Although we do get to see The Destroyer’s hairy bum, and get to talk about it for a while. So we have that going for us. Which is nice.
• Qui-Gon won $185,000, a Prius and a trip to Costa Rica. Nice haul.
• Next, we get to get into the Sarah cursing controversy. You know, the scandal that none of us ever heard of until the reunion. It seems in the heat of the moment after losing, Sarah told Emeril to eff off. Part of me says that this is just another example of how she was a poor sport. But another, larger part of me thinks that, good for her! Emeril was a terrible judge this year. I wanted to say that every time he opened his mouth and deadpanned absolutely nothing of consequence. But Sarah got all teary, and was offended that it was brought up in this setting, yada yada, I don’t really care.
• Crappy questions about there being 29 chefs (translation, the chefs didn’t much care for it), and if Bev is stable (whatever). We get a montage of all of the chefs crying, which is anchored by a hysterical clip of Sarah admitting to crying after sex, you know the teary orgasm.
• Are Malibu and Grayson dating, because they flirt on Twitter. Um, no. Great job, Bravo fans for asking the hard hitting questions.
• The Grayson montage was awesome. She asks if they are rolling, and cursed. Heh. She’s ballsy, she had the slaughtered chicken with the unborn egg. She pelvic thrusted. She gave us sex in the mouth. She jammed out with her clams out. Someone got her wet. Wow. And the Little Green Frog. Seriously, Top 5 characters ever on the show. Reserve a spot for All Stars 2.
• Casey and Ryan are doing a Healthy Choice commercial? Really?
• The Mediocre Chef spinoff? Genius. I loved it. They edited together the chefs’ joke about appearing on Mediocre Chef. The prize would be $125 and an ad in the local paper. The editing of judges praise with crappy dishes was awesome. It was punctuated with Tom asking Grayson if she thought she could win with the infamous chicken salad sandwich. HA!
• Of course, the idea for Mediocre Chef is really Worst Cooks in America…
• Were the judges nasty? No, just cranky from the freakish Texas heat.
• RILCK montage. Meh. Malibu is vain. Double Meh.
• Malibu montage? Really? The only reason we got this was because he campaigned for, and won, Fan Favorite. I will not dignify this with any more attention.
• Medic montage – man, lots of them got hurt this year. Why was it not funnier?
• Was Ed a dick when Sarah overheated? Yep. And he admits it. Wait, he admits to being a dick, on TV, and he didn’t implode? Hmm, Heather? Paging Heather!
• Glasses montage – Kobayashi Maru, Yoda impressions, pink knife bag, two pairs of glasses, socks and sandals, the cigar, chicken talking, and it seems his hair is trending in NYC. Strange.
• Montage on being mean to Bev. I think I covered that in my song parody. To add to it, Lindsay thinks she was so mean about the halibut because they did a 40-hour challenge, followed by having to open a restaurant in eight hours. Sarah apologized to Bev at Whistler (of course, that didn’t stop her from continuing some smack talk, but it does confirm what I had said already, that Sarah seemed different in Vancouver). Lindsay sat next to Bev and lovingly rubbed her arm before the montage. They seem cool with each other.
• But Heather? Not so much. She did not cross the line, because she just gave her opinion. I call BS. It’s the George Constanza theory – it’s not a lie, if you believe it. Come on. Just because it was how you felt, doesn’t make it right. If I feel like walking to the other side of the room and making out with the attractive woman by the buffet table at a party, it doesn’t make it right. She may not appreciate it. My wife certainly wouldn’t appreciate it. Actions have consequences, sister. Friggin apologize for being a tool. Jeez.
• That said…to whomever sent a death threat to Heather and Sarah. Get a friggin life. It’s a reality show about cooking. There shouldn’t be death on the line. Although, that would be a crazy ass challenge.
• Then again, they did give the chefs guns this season…
• Qui-Gon and Grayson got to cook for the First Lady, along with Blais, Casey, Spike and someone else (I couldn’t see). All part of the very important Let’s Move program fighting childhood obesity. Michelle got to use Padma’s line, “Your time starts…now!”
• Monobrow said it was much harder than Masters. Yep. And he’s raising money for charity by plucking. NO!!! Don’t lose the Brow!!!
• The Gail is a bitch montage? Also, really, really hysterical. They had inappropriate Gail comments in response to serious moments. Best one – her saying Poop, Poop for no reason. HA! What was the context on that?!?
• Great point – if Qui-Gon had won the first part of the Whistler challenge, the ladies did not think they would have ever put food out because the ice would never have been chipped.
• Would you rather game. Oh, Bravo, you’re such a 15-year-old girl. Heather would rather make out with Bev than cook only Asian. Sarah would take Italy over Texas. Duh. Malibu would be an action star instead of a porn star. Great.
• Judges montage – Padma scared by a fake snake. She makes a labia joke. (oh my) There’s a slow clap. Besh likes getting rubbed. Theron is blonde where it counts (oh my, oh my!). There’s an Acid Queen. Theron wants eight-balls and hookers, and scolds Tom for touching his penis. And, scene.

So long for another season. See you waaaaaaay too soon for Masters.

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