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Top Chef: Texas – Reunion – The Ballad of Beverly the Bullied

Because we just needed another hour of programming of Top Chef: Texas, we get the obligatory one-hour reunion show, hosted by Andy Cohen. Awesome. This means that if you wanted to, you could sit down and watch the full season of Top Chef: Texas (with commercials), or you could watch the full extended edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, along with one of the two Star Wars trilogies. Hmmm…

Anyway, there was no plot, no challenges, so I’ll do this column mostly in Quickfire Hits. However, I will just touch on the main part of the reunion, and in fact, the main theme of the entire season. And I will do it in an art form respected the world round as the single most romantic form of poetry. The song parody. Billy Joel fans will know the classic – The Ballad of Billy the Kid. We will change it to The Ballad of Beverly the Bullied.

From a show known as Top Chef in Texas
Came a woman with pack of knives in her hand
And her time on the show
Was full of bullying, I know
And she cooked every form of Asian in the land.

Well, she started with a note, from her family
She pinned it to the mirror, to motivate
And her spunk and her size
Took the others by surprise
Except, she didn’t seem to have any vertebrate

Well, she always got real clumsy
Yes, she spilled on Padma’s pants
But she soon put many other chefs to shame
She won Last Chance Kitchen
And made the Final Four
But the other ladies never treated her the same

Well, she got thrown under the bus once by Heather
And Lindsay of the Corn mocked her fish
And Sarah who just missed winning
Sent Beverly’s head a-spinning
With her passive-aggressive tone about Bev’s dish

Well, after watching their act on TV
Sarah was the one who felt the shame
She got right onto the phone
Luckily, Bev was right at home
And told her, I’m sorry, and I was lame

Well, she always got real clumsy
Yes, she spilled on Padma’s pants
But she soon put many other chefs to shame
She won Last Chance Kitchen
And made the Final Four
But the other ladies never treated her the same

On a show known, as Top Chef, the Reunion
Sat a girl, looking for an apology
Except she wouldn’t get the words
Heather’s excuses were for the birds
She’ll be the villain of this anthology.

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